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He had went to the councilor and told him what Shataria had said to him. They never thought I was truly behind it, that it was just a mistaken joke, that she took it too far. It was, in a sense, but I was involved. I was so afraid to admit that, though, I lost my friendship. I didn't want anyone to know that I actually thought it would work out. I didn't want anyone to realize how stupid I was.

I tried committing suicide that night after I found out. I thought that my life was over. I didn't really get the full story; I freaked. It was a long night after that. The knife to my neck, Jamie calling my mom, my mom being so livid....I then got the whole story. I never knew until after the fact that Zappa "only did it to cover his own ass," and that they both "knew that I was not to be blamed". Both Zappa and the counsilor didn't even want me to know that it had happened; that it was brought up. They didn't want to embarass me. At first, I was angry at myself, depressed I did this, and for awhile I hated Zappa for even bringing it up.

But I soon went back into the same routine, and my mind even convinced me that he infact did like me, that he was sweet enough to not want me to know, not want me to be embarassed. He said that nothing was different, that he didn't feel different towards me. Well, he never truly said it, the counsilor did. I figured that he only even said anything was because there were probably other teachers around, that might have heard. If he hadn't reported it, I figured, he wouldn't been the one in trouble. I didn't want that, and he obviously didn't either. I never found out if there really were any other teachers around, I never talked to Shataria again until the next year, just a simple exchange of her opening the door and me thanking her. Some things are better off unknown, and unsaid.

I was now sure that I was truly in love with Zappa, that these feelings weren't going away any time soon. I hated it, really, I didn't want this, I figured I had no chance. Some days, I knew I had some chance, or at least I used to think I did. I didn't get much sleep that year, and I wasn't doing too well. The last trimester of my Junior year, though, was the trimester with the highest grades. So something must have been going right...