Lilacs & Daffodils

A breeze swept through the landscape where I stood, going to what would become my usual place. Why did it always seem to be the wind? Perhaps, it is because it appears to be a sign - maybe that someone is there, trying to whisper over our shoulders. Perhaps that voice is trying to lead you somewhere, and perhaps that somewhere is a place that only exists in your mind. That sounds crazy though, doesn’t it? Granted, you’re the one listening for voices on the wind when no one is around.

That, that was my thought process. Does it sound insane to you? Because it did to me, which let me know that I was still sort of there. One thing though, was that I was sure I wasn’t alone in one of the loneliest places I could find on this trip to Michigan - a cemetery. No one was around. I remembered my Cousin that we were visiting telling me that it was one of the oldest in the state, so I suppose anyone related to anyone buried here would be buried right next to them or too old to come out and visit. That’s exactly what it seemed like when the gate I had to push hard to open creaked loudly with years of neglect. Weeds had practically taken over the crumbling tombstones that were almost hidden by the stone wall overgrown with trees and bushes that no one bothered to cut back anymore. It was like entering a wall in to a different world where these graves had been sealed off, away from the rest of the world.

And to me, that sounded absolutely perfect. No one looking in, and no one inside to look out or around at me except for the souls that possibly remained. I took a deep breath and shoved my hands in to my pockets, taking a few steps in to the eerily quiet place. It was creepy, but it was peaceful. “I’m sorry,” I said aloud. It was so silent in this place that my voice seemed to bounce clear off the wall on the other side of the burial ground. It wasn’t that big, but it was big enough to make me too lazy to walk to the other side. “Um, I’m sorry for bothering you.” Maybe that was a little weird of me, but its not like any living person could hear me. But just in case a few of the deceased were listening, I felt I owed them an apology if I was disturbing them.

The sun was shining, and it was really warm that day. But the cover of trees was so thick that the graveyard was shaded except for a few patches of light here and there. I walked quietly at a slow pace, glancing at the tombstones. Most of them were illegible, and some were nearly almost gone and all of them stuck out at odd angles. It was the perfect place for a zombie movie and I almost expected an undead hand to spring up out of the ground grabbing for my ankles with each step I took.

My own legs brought me to the end of one of the rows of stones. For the most part I was staying strictly on the path that had been made maybe a hundred or so years ago. One such grave, however, caught my attention. The sun wasn’t hitting it, but it still seemed a little brighter than the others. I moved closer to it, narrowing my eyes to see it a little better. Kneeling down (which wasn’t the most comfortable thing, considering my tight black jeans), I had to brush away a little bit of dirt to see it properly.

Kellin Quinn Bostwick

1890-1907

“You were really young,” I whispered, noting that he was the same age as I am when he died. I got back up to my feet, walking around to read the back. There were little music notes engraved - badly - so I figured he must have been musically inclined. I don’t know why I found this specific grave so fascinating, but I did. Stepping back around to the front, I thought of saying maybe a prayer or some sort of saying out of respect for this lost boy. Back in those days, I guess he was an adult. There wasn’t anything on how he died written on the stone, and no family surrounded him like the other plots were set up, which was weird. He was also all the way at the end of a row and kind of stuck out so oddly that I figured he must have been buried like that on purpose - standing out from everyone. “Kellin Quinn Bostwick. I’ll remember that name,” I said to myself.

Maybe the talking to myself thing was getting a bit weird, or maybe it wasn’t. Either way I pulled out my phone to check what time it was and knew that my family was probably starting to get concerned; I’d been gone a while. I got no service in this place but oddly enough I found that fact a little comforting. “See you later, Kellin,” I called over my shoulder as I walked away. I smirked; it was silly. Almost like an imaginary friend. But this long-gone soul seemed to be an outcast in death, as I felt myself to be in life. And that made him worth visiting again.

—-

I never really noticed just how boring this little town was until after we’d been there for a few days and I still hadn’t found anything to do but walk to the cemetery like I’d done my second day here. So, I decided that’s what I would do again. I told my family where I was going and walked out the door, just like that. I just felt so drawn to that one spot although I couldn’t place my finger on why.

I guess that maybe it has to do with what we’re doing in Michigan in the first place. It’s kind of my fault that we’re here. See, back at home in San Diego, I have a dark little history that not many people know about. People don’t like me. But that’s okay, because I don’t like people much either. It got to me though. More and more, each day, it got to me. It got to me so much so that I got to the point where I just hated everyone I was surrounded by, that I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.

I tried to kill myself.

I was just about to kick the chair out of the way and hang myself when Mike walked in and stopped me, screaming for my mom, and she came and I couldn’t explain anything or try to make it seem like I was doing something else - anything else - because I was a sobbing mess on the floor with Mike’s arms around around my shoulders. That was the first time I ever broke down.

My parents decided a change of scenery would be good for me, so a vacation to my Aunt’s house in Michigan was brought up. And here we are, less than a month later. And honestly? Nothing has changed.

I still hate everyone I’m surrounded by. I hate that my family acts as if nothing is wrong, like I’m totally fine now that they’re being a little nicer to me. It doesn’t make sense and its frustrating… and that’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m standing in a cemetery.

“I’m back,” I whispered, walking directly to that boy’s grave. It wasn’t as sunny that day, but it was still warm. I sat down in front of the tomb stone, stretching out and wincing as my back cracked and popped. “I hope you don’t mind me kind of laying here, on top of you. I feel at peace here for once.”

The wind rustled. Its silly, but it made me feel like someone was listening. “Was that you?” I asked aloud, smirking at myself. That’s alright though - I was allowed to be my weird self here. “I guess you’re wondering why I’m even here. Or maybe you’re not, I dunno. I’m going to talk anyways, seeing as you kind of can’t. I don’t want to be around my family. They don’t understand me no matter how hard they try and it gets annoying. I actually kind of envy you; You get to be dead, and not deal with anything, you know?”

Minutes passed and I just lay there. The grass was soft, even though it was overrun with a few weeds here or there. I closed my eyes, trying to picture what this Kellin person looked like, although I could come to no conclusion. I sighed, tilting my head up to stare at his tombstone. It was simple, but in good shape. Still, it was strange that it was so out-casted and out of place compared to the others. “What was so weird about you, Kellin?” I asked him. Not that there would really be answer though, would there.

“I hope I’m not bothering you. Is that a thing? Is it possible to bother the dead that have been dead for so long? Its not like you know me. We’re the same age, by the way. I guess it was kind of different back then though, wasn’t it.”

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and slipped it out of my jeans. It was the reminder I had set as I left the house, as ordered by my mother thinking I was looking for a cliff to jump off of if I wasn’t home in a certain amount of time. “I guess I’ll probably see you tomorrow,” I said, looking at the tombstone. I frowned though, making a last-minute decision to walk towards the bushes growing against the stone walls around the perimeter of the grave yard. There were overgrown lilacs and daffodils - good enough, for my purposes. I picked two of each and walked back over to Kellin’s tomb stone, laying them down at it’s base. “There, that’s for listening to me.”

It was meant to be a nice gesture, out of respect for him. I don’t know why, but I almost felt kind of bad for him. I shrugged the feeling as I walked out of the cemetery, careful to close the gate as quietly as I could behind me. I wanted to turn around and go right back in, but I knew that I couldn’t. My feet dragged slower and slower as I got closer to home seeing as I really didn’t want to face the obvious questions concerning where I’d been, but, I knew that I had to face it eventually. A small sigh escaped me as I opened the door, wishing I was still walking along the sidewalk.

—

That night I went to bed early. Not because I was tired, but because one of the things my family nagged me on was the fact that I never slept right. Maybe if I pretended like I was getting better, they would believe it and we could go home, and all of this awkwardness and fake-caring would end. It seemed like my plan would work when my mother smiled at me approvingly as I trudged up the stairs without even a goodnight to anyone in my family; straight to the bedroom me and Mike were sharing. My bed was closest to the window.

When I slept that night I dreamed for once. I was back there, at the cemetery. Right in front of his grave; I knew it was his because I could see the flowers I had placed earlier were still there. A boy was sitting on top of the tomb stone that I was standing in front of with his arms crossed and a sly little smirk on the side of his face. “Hey there,” he said, his voice high-pitched and smooth. He had dark hair a little shorter than mine and light blue eyes, and skin so pale it could be translucent.

“Hi?” I said, frowning.

“I’m listening. Thank you for the flowers.”

And with those words, he faded away, leaving me to stand there alone. It was such a short and simple dream and it was probably over within seconds, but from my point of view it took up the entire duration of my sleep. My eyes opened to sun streaming over my face. Part of me wished I’d never woken up at all, but that’s how I felt every morning.

“Hey,” said my brother from across the room. He had his cell phone over his face, his fingers gliding across the buttons with ease.

“Morning,” I said, sitting up and frowning at the cool air hitting my bare chest.

“You went to bed before we talked about it last night, but we’re going in to town today. Mom is gonna want you to come with us.”

“Why?” I asked, reaching for my sweatshirt on the ground.

Mike slapped his phone shut and swung his own skinny legs over the side of his bed. I cocked an eyebrow at his bravery; it was fucking cold here in the mornings. “Cause. She doesn’t like you being left alone. No one does.”

I sighed. If anything, I appreciated my brother’s honesty. I knew that no one trusted me anymore. As the dream weighed heavily on my mind though, an idea struck my head. “Do you know if there’s a library or historical sort of building here?”

“Why wouldn’t there be?” said Mike. “Why, you wanna stop by or something?”

“Yeah,” I said, finally getting up. We got dressed together in silence, for the most part. Skinny jeans, a tee shirt and a jacket - kind of standard if you can’t guess that by now. “What time are we leaving, do you know?” I asked him as he reached for the doorknob.

“Probably like.. soon,” he said, shrugging. Which kind of sucked for me, I wanted to go and visit that grave again. But the library, that excited me. I could find some answers there. Following my brother down the stairs, my mother immediately greeted us with her shoes already on her feet - which meant they were probably waiting on us to go out. “Who’s going?” asked Mike from the bottom of the stairs. I shuffled around him, nearly tripping and falling in the process.

“All of us,” answered my mom with a smile. It was hard for me to suppress the urge to roll my eyes and groan; going out in a huge group was probably on the bottom of a list of things I liked doing. None the less I shuffled out the door with them, sticking around my brother as we piled in to two cars.

We were parking around in the downtown area of - well, I wasn’t even sure what town we were in and I didn’t really care either. The plan was to walk around and shop and eventually get something to eat at some stupid cafe somewhere, but I had another idea. My family was chattering away - My parents and Aunt and Uncle, and even Mike and my cousin had found something interesting to have a conversation about. “Where’s the library around here?” I spoke up quietly. My aunt turned towards me with a curious look in her eye.

“Its actually a little back the way we came, around that street corner. You can’t miss it; I can actually see it from here,” she said, speaking over the sound of busy traffic.

“I’m gonna go there first then, and meet up with you all later, okay?” I said, looking at my mom. “I have my phone.” She nodded, but sighed. I could tell that she wasn’t exactly pleased. The walk down the street was kind of nice, but it would have been nicer if there weren’t so many people around. I didn’t like walking around a busy town without Mike by my side, seeing as I don’t do well in crowds. The library wasn’t too far though, like my aunt had said. It was kind of big and old looking. I walked straight up to the receptionist’s desk, thinking of how to word my question. She peered down at me through a pair of bi-focal glasses, already frowning at the skinny Mexican boy that appeared in front of her.

“Can I help you?”

The only thing I could think of to describe her voice, was sandpaper scraping against a chalk board. She’d definitely smoked one too many in her day. “Um, I was wondering if like, I could look up history about this town here. Sorry if there’s like another building for that, I’m not from around here.”

Her mouth twitched in annoyance at me and she sighed deeply, pointing to a set of stairs over to the left of her desk. “Up those, and to the first door when you go left. That’s where we keep the Town’s archives. Anything about any building and anyone that’s lived or died here that we’ve got.”

“Thank you,” I said, nodding at her and going on my way. She just flicked her eyes away from me, not that I really cared. Up the stairs, and the first door when I took a left. The room was kind of small. There was a book shelf on each wall, and a desk with a computer that looked almost as old as the town itself. I sighed, turning on, wondering if it would even be of help to me as I looked at the labels on all the shelves while the thing turned on.

It took a while, and a lot of reading, but eventually I was able to find what I’d come looking for. The computer actually turned out to be a rather large database, even though it was slow as fuck. It had a shit ton of obituaries though. I typed in his name in the little database search bar, and two items popped up - Kellin Quinn Bostwick, born April 24th, 1890, deceased June 2nd, 1907.

Brother and son.

Passed away last Sunday. Services will be this coming Friday.

Nothing about how he died. Underneath the writings, there was one grainy black and white photo that nearly made me jump out of my skin. I slapped a shaky hand to my mouth and I felt my entire body go cold, because the young boy staring back at me with a cocky smile, was the same one I’d seen in my dream last night. “You visited me,” I whispered. The picture was kind of small, but it showed his torso up, which was enough. The second link let on another interesting piece of information about this kid - a news article that was printed about him. The headline alone was enough to make my stomach churn.

BOY LEFT DEAD AFTER COLD BLOODED MURDER

A seventeen year old boy by the name of Kellin Quinn Bostwick, was found dead last Sunday night by his house on Mill street of Stanton, Michigan. He was discovered by his sister, Kailey, who immediately ran for her father who was and is still no where to be found. Detectives are still investigating the case, but released this statement - “We are working to find the boy’s killer. Whoever killed him, stabbed the boy in his abdomen ‘til he died. That’s all the information we can give you at this time.”

Following the detectives statement, witness Kailey Bostwick gave us this quote when we approached her at the family home on Mill Street: “We just want to be left alone right now. Its a very traumatic time.”

Bostwick had recently been exorcised a week earlier by the town priest, Rev. Smith after it had become he’d made his parents aware of his blasphemous thoughts concerning sexuality and was thought to be possessed by the devil.

My mouth kind of hung open after reading that last bit. “You were gay!” I said aloud, glad that no one could hear me. “Oh my God, you were gay. So they killed you!” And strangely enough, I was starting to like the sound of this boy more and more.

—

The flowers were still there, right where I’d left them, although they looked a little wilted today. I made a mental note to replace them before I went home a bit later on. Was it healthy that I loved coming here so much? It was just so quiet and peaceful and dead; yet alive. There aren’t even any birds chirping or squirrels running up trees anywhere. I felt free here. A smile actually came to my face when I was standing in front of Kellin’s tomb stone again, my eyes falling over the engraved letters. “So I found you,” I started. “And I read, everything, and I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

The wind blew again. How odd.

I sat down in the cushy grass, hugging my knees to my chest. My phone was off, not that it mattered seeing as I didn’t get service here as it was. I didn’t care if my mom went haywire because its not like she’d ever find me here. “I liked that you came to me in my dream.” I whispered. How weird was it, that I’d come up here, the middle of Michigan in some town no one had probably ever heard of, just to talk to some boy that had died like a hundred years ago. And I was finding comfort in it. I stretched out in the grass, with my feet near the base of his tomb stone and rolled on to my side. I think I might have been laying on top of where he was buried, but I couldn’t really be sure especially since the Earth moved as much as it did. Close enough, though.

“Oh, and just so you know, I’m gay too. I don’t think you were possessed… I think you were just human. It must have been so hard to come out to your parents though right? I haven’t told anyone.” In fact, this was the first time I was even saying it out loud. The dead can’t exactly speak your secrets to anyone else though. “And I guess your dad didn’t really like it, did he. I’m sorry…” I felt a yawn coming on. Guess I found it a little too peaceful in that cemetery. Or, maybe it was something else. I was tired, after all. Sleep comes easy in a place of resting though, and sleep it was.

I started dreaming pretty much right when my eyes closed. Everything was white, and pure. Was I laying down? Or was I just standing against a wall or something? Fuck, dreams are weird. Things were coming in to focus with each passing second though, and a dark blog appeared that filled out in to a human shape. A familiar one, that wasn’t really from Earth. “Hello,” came the high pitched voice, that seemed to come from everywhere and no where at all. Almost like the speaker was standing behind me and talking down my neck.

“Kellin?” I said, my voice loud and clear compared to his. Finally, he was a few feet in front of me, clear as day in a black shirt and black pants with that lop-sided grin on his face.

“You keep coming back,” he said happily. “I thought maybe you wouldn’t.”

“There isn’t exactly much else to do, if that makes sense,” I told him.

He stepped closer to me, crossing his arms. I could almost reach out and touch him if I wanted to but I figured that might not be the best idea. “No but.. no one ever came to visit me after I left. Until you, that is. Um, I guess you know why.”

I nodded with understanding. “Cause you were gay.”

“Because I was gay. My mom wouldn’t even let my sister out to put flowers on my grave. And she wouldn’t come to terms with the fact my father killed me.” A sad look crossed his eyes that glowed like little sapphires glinting in the sun. They were extremely pretty and Jesus fucking Christ if this boy had been born in my time period I’d probably be following him around with my bed hoping he’d just fall in to it. Can he read my thoughts? I feel like that’s something he should be able to do… “Yes, I can,” he said chuckling a little. Well, fuck.

“I can’t even imagine that,” I said, turning it back to the original conversation. “Hey, is this even real? Or this just my over-active imagination?”

“Who’s to say its not both?” he smirked.

Asshole. “Don’t do that, its confusing,” I frowned. He just shrugged, taking another small step closer to where I was standing. “So… so its been okay then? Me coming here?”

“More than okay,” he answered. “I have to go now though. You have to wake up.” His voice was so high-pitched as it was, and as he spoke it seemed to be getting higher and higher and more far-away than it was before.

“I don’t want to wake up,” I admitted. “Can’t I sleep forever?”

He shook his head, a wistful look coming across his eyes. “Not yet,” he whispered, his voice trickling down my back. “Not just yet.” He took one final step forward and for a moment he tilted his chin towards mine and I realized that he was trying to kiss me, but before he could succeed, he vanished in to thin air and my eyes opened up again.

“No,” I said sadly. I had rolled on to my back in my slumber, so the sun hit my eyes almost directly. A lump was swelling up in my throat; I don’t even know why I felt like crying, but I did. My chest hurt and honestly, I wished he would have kissed me before he left me here in the grass. How much time had passed since I first got here? Well, its not like it mattered. I got up, stretching my back out before walking to the bushes again. I cleared away the first flowers to make room for the fresh ones. I wondered which he liked more; the daffodils or the lilacs. If I ever got to speak to him again I’d ask him. And honestly something told me I’d be speaking to him again, very soon.

The second I walked out of the cemetery and turned my phone on, it went off again and again with like eight texts from my mom and a couple from Mike asking about my whereabouts. I ignored literally all of them and started walking home, trying to think of some dumb excuse I could give them. All I could come up with, though, was that my phone was on silent.

—

Every God damn day I went to his grave for the whole week. I never told anyone where I was going, I just went and sooner or later they stopped questioning me even though I was sure that they knew I was lying. At night I dreamt of him, but we didn’t say anything. I missed the sound of his voice, even though I’d only heard it twice; it felt as though it was haunting me with each step I took towards his grave. Was he doing this to me on purpose? Did I really mind, though?

The answer, of course, is no. I fucking loved it.

I turned my phone off and for the first time in over a year I walked with my head up, looking forward to when the gates to my own little sanctuary would come in to view once more. I was becoming obsessed with this boy’s life and death. When we went back in to town again two days after the first time, I went straight back to the library, with Mike following behind me out of curiosity. I quickly lost him among the bookshelves and went back to the archives to look up everything I could about Kellin. I found his address which was scarily close to the house we were staying at and walked to it one night and just stared. A new family lived there now, completely unaware of who had been there years before them. A shiver ran down my spine when I realized that Kellin had died somewhere around here as well, and at that moment the wind blew. I turned my head in the direction of the breeze, towards the woods, through which I think I saw a little creek that probably led to a pond. “Was that the place?” I whispered. The wind blew back in to my face, which I took as an answer to my question.

Imagine, if I had never actually come to this quaint little town in Michigan. If I’d never gone on such a curious walk and found that old cemetery my cousin told me about - the one he himself was too scared to go in to. And me, being the generally reckless person I was, went straight for. And now here I was being happily haunted by a ghost I wish was still around so I could just… be with him in life, instead of only in my dreams and when I visited his grave that was over a hundred years old. Imagine how much happier I wouldn’t be, now that I had something that had captured my interest.

The gate creaked open, just like it always did. I went straight for his grave with a fucking smile on my face. I was smiling, because I got to visit a dead person that I’d never met before. My hand sort of had a mind of its own and grabbed a wild tulip out of a patch that had been growing by the gate to lay at his tombstone before I lay myself down. “Please, I want to see you again,” I whispered. The past few times I’d been here I wasn’t able to fall asleep like I had that other time, so I figured it must of been his doing. “And… and here you talk.” I always talked to him. I told him about what I was going through and just… talked and really, I was sorting myself out and I guess he was listening.

Just like that a wave of exhaustion hit me. My eyes practically closed themselves and sweet fucking sleep came to me just like that. It was like a wave, washing over me completely and he came almost instantly with a smile on his face. “You called?” he said, his voice sweeter than any music I’d ever heard before.

“I did,” I said. “I just… Why weren’t you like, talking to me?”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to, not all the time,” he said softly, casting a glance at the ground.

What. What the hell. Of course I wanted him to talk to me. “I do!” I said quickly. “I- I don’t like most people.”

He nodded his head sadly. “I heard you the first day, Vic. You said you envied me.” He was moving closer to me now, like he had the first time I’d ever spoken to him in a dream like this. My heart started pounding in my chest; God I hoped he’d try to kiss me again…

“I just want to be dead. Especially since well, you’re dead.”

“Silly,” he breathed. And then, finally. He placed a hand to my chin and tilted it towards his face and gently pressed our lips together. His mouth was freezing against mine. It was like a bucket of ice water had just been thrown at me, but it was still the best kiss of my life. Well, I’m not even sure if it counted in real life. When he pulled away he smiled at me. “This doesn’t feel weird to you, does it?” he asked me. Slowly I shook my head. “I think I waited my whole afterlife for you.”

Those words had such an effect on me. I never thought I’d hear something so strange and yet so beautiful and kind. “I- I really don’t know what to say to that,” I said, feeling so light and giggly - something I was definitely not used to. “I… Kellin, are you gonna like… always be beside me now? I’ve felt you here all week, following me around. I liked it,” I said.

“I’ll always be watching you,” he told me, placing a hand over my heart. His other arm was around my back.

“I wish you were born the same year I was,” I whispered. He nodded sadly again.

“You have to wake up now, Vic,” said Kellin. “I’ll see you later, though.”

“No, wait Kellin I want to talk more-” I was cut off though, because he just pressed a finger to my lips and faded away, and my eyes opened once again in the sun, and we were worlds apart all over again. I sighed heavily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Strangely enough when he visited me I didn’t feel refreshed from the sleep at all, only more tired. I sat up to do the usual - more flowers for his grave. “I’ll see you later,” I told him. I kissed my hand and pressed it to the top of the stone; my own version of kissing him goodbye.

—

Trouble started the second I walked in the door and my mother got up to meet me. “Hi-” I started, trying to make myself look fine like I always did. She shook her head though, and started speaking in a low voice.

“Victor, I want to know where you’ve been going this entire time we’ve been here,” she said, her voice full of concern. “You never answer your phone, you leave every day. You ditched us when we went in to town.”

Fear seemed to envelope my entire body. “I- just, walking. I don’t ever feel my phone going off, I’m sorry,” I said, looking away. I didn’t like lying.

“No. Where do you walk?”

I shrugged. “Around.”

“Well, no more walking. You haven’t spent any time with your family, and we’re leaving a few days earlier. There’s a storm coming in on the West Coast,” she scolded me, shaking her head. That was a fucking joke, right? No more walking? Like hell I wasn’t going to walk to his grave again.

“What do you mean no more walking? And how much earlier?” I demanded. She frowned at me, looking like she was about to turn away to rejoin the others in the living room.

“I want to know where you are, at all times. If you want to go for a walk, you have to bring Mike with you. You haven’t been cutting again, have you?” she said, inspecting my bare arms.

“No, mom. I told you, I stopped that.” Lie. Half lie, actually. I hadn’t done it once since we got here (and that was after I’d found Kellin). “And no, If I want to go… out, I’m gonna go out.”

“You are not allowed to anymore!” She said.

I knew she was only doing this because she was worried about me, but it still pissed me the fuck off that she didn’t trust me. Although, maybe she shouldn’t. The thing that was bringing me happiness was bringing me a lot of heartache and a lot of bad thoughts for all the right reasons. “You don’t have to be so scared, mom.”

She just kept shaking her head, though. “No, Vic. I do. And when we get back home, your aunt recommended me a great therapist that’s in our area. I’m just letting you know this now.”

My eyes flew open at those last words. Therapist? THAT won’t be necessary. What could he even do for me? Spoiler alert: The answer is nothing. I stared at her angrily; I wasn’t going to let this happen. Misery loved to follow me around it seemed. I didn’t reply to her, I just walked past her straight up to my room and threw in my headphones for the rest of the evening. I was so alone, so isolated in this life. I rarely talked to anyone besides my brother and a few of my friends that I didn’t even know if they wanted me to stick around back home. When have I ever really contributed anything, to anyone?

Well, I think I made Kellin happy. Just by visiting him and placing some flowers on his grave, I’d made him smile. After tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to do that ever again unless we came back here on another stupid family trip, and my mom didn’t even want me to go off by myself to do even that. I wanted to dream again, and be with him. I wanted to feel his arms around me like they were earlier… I wanted him to be here. As if on cue I saw the trees moving around as the wind blew outside my window, like Kellin was trying to tell me that he was right beside me. “I miss you,” I whispered softly.

—

He kept his promise.

I dreamed of him again that night. He looked so sad, sadder than I’d ever seen him before, granted I guess I was just as upset. I knew what he was going to say before he even said it. “I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t want to leave you either,” I replied, feeling the tears stinging my eyes, although I don’t think I could have cried. “I… I don’t want to go back home without you.”

Kellin shook his head and pulled me closer to him. His touch was so cold and so gentle and so much more loving than anyone else I’d ever known. I slipped my arms around him as well, wishing he would kiss me because I wasn’t brave enough to kiss him first. “You’ll put flowers on my grave one last time?” he asked, and I thought I could sense a little bit of desperation in his voice and I guess he was feeling the same way I was - lonely.

I nodded my head, my lower lip trembling with the effort not to cry. He made it a little easier by gently kissing me for a moment. It was like being forced to break up when you really, really didn’t want to and I think that was the moment I made up my mind, in the middle of a dream. “I want to stay with you,” I looked him straight in his stand-out blue eyes. And he just stared straight back and kissed me again.

“I’m not forcing you,” he said without even moving his mouth. His voice just seemed to resound throughout everything. “But that’s up to you.”

“Don’t fade away yet!” I pleaded, knowing this feeling. He was already starting to slip away from me and it just wasn’t fair - no, I needed him, just a few more seconds! “Kellin, wait!”

My eyes opened up to complete darkness, save for the moon light cast across my bed from the window.

—

Sleep did not come to me again that night and my mind was probably playing tricks on me from the exhaustion I felt as I got things ready the next chilly, overcast morning, alone in my bedroom - the only place I was technically allowed to go. For now, anyways. All my things were packed away as my mom had ordered seeing as we were leaving tonight. The thing is, I just wasn’t willing to go with them. I hopped downstairs as quietly as I could and tried to act like I was going in to the kitchen, but of course, she followed me in to see what I was doing. I guess it doesn’t help that I rarely ever eat much. “What are you up to?” she asked me with her arms crossed.

“Getting a drink of water,” I said simply, getting a class out of the cabinet. She watched me fill it up in the sink and take a sip from it, waiting for me to leave the room. “Are you really going to guard the door?” I asked seriously. She nodded, cocking an eyebrow. “That’s a little pathetic.”

“Its keeping you in, isn’t it?”

“Nope.”

I literally just turned and walked out the door, even though she was calling my name over and over again for me to come back. Thing was, I wasn’t going to come back this time. Not to her. I was headed towards the cemetery again at a brisk pace, my eyes wide and alert, a little nervous that she’d get in the car and follow me. Well, as it would turn out, she wasn’t the one I had to worry about.

“Where are you going?”

I turned on my heel to face him. “Go back, Mine,” I ordered. He stood a few feet back and shook his head with wide, curious brown eyes that reminded me of my own, only his were so much more alive. “Yes. Its none of your business.”

“I’m following you,” he said, walking up in front of me. I shook my head at him and just walked on. It wasn’t going to matter soon as it was. “Vic, how far away are we going? It looks like its going to rain soon…”

“If you’re going to complain you might as well be talking to a wall,” I said. He bit his lip, flicking his eyes between me and what was coming up ahead as we walked. The gate came in to view, but I don’t think he noticed it seeing as it was so well hidden by bushes that had become so wildly overgrown. “Here is where you turn back and leave me alone,” I said.

“No. Is this where you’ve been going?”

I sighed in impatience and ran for the gate. Of course he could keep up; those fucking long legs came in handy for my little brother. Anger and annoyance bubbled up inside me but nothing was going to stop me from leaving those flowers on his grave one last time. My hand rested on the rusty iron, wondering how on Earth I was supposed to get rid of him long enough.

“A cemetery? That’s just creepy.”

“You’re just creepy. Wait here.”

“What?” He grabbed my wrist before I could push the gate open like usual. “Vic, what are you doing?”

“Same thing I’ve been doing since we got here. Please Mike, just let me do this, okay?” The wind started blowing as I spoke, the fiercest it had been all week. The sky was darkening. I wondered if it was Kellin’s doing at all

“What am I letting you do?” He asked, a worried, doubtful tone in his voice.

I couldn’t handle this, he was making it so much harder than it needed to be. “I’m just… saying goodbye.” It was true, but not in the way he’d expect it to be. He stared at me still, motioning for me to explain myself but I just wasn’t willing to anymore. “To someone I’ve been visiting with all week, you know?” As I spoke the last word I heard a crack of thunder and Mike looked up at the sky in fear. Storms weren’t exactly his favorite thing in existence.

“Can we please just go home?” he asked, fear slipping in to his voice.

“Yeah. Just gimme a minute. Start walking, I’ll catch up to you later.”

He frowned at me, but as the sky roared again he practically coward and started to power walk away from me. “Bye Mikey,” I whispered under my breath, and pushed the creaking gate open, closing it to seal myself, and this world, off from everything else. Though it was storming now, it felt sunny and warm in here. Like it did the first time I’d come here. Was that a rain drop that I had felt? The wind blow, tousling my hair. I went to the bushes in the back of the graveyard, picking two lilacs, and two daffodils, then turned to face his tombstone. I swear I could see the outline of his frail form sitting on it with that adorable little smirk that I’d grown used to seeing on his face. “For you,” I said, laying them down respectfully. “And for me.”

Rain was falling now. I had to make this quick. I took out the bottle of pills from my coat jacket, carefully swindled back home a long time ago from a friend’s house, Which was wrong, but at the time I couldn’t care less; and the note I’d written explaining well… mostly everything. “I’ll be with you soon, Kellin,” I said, swallowing the first. And the second. And the third. And all of them, until all 25 were gone and so was I.

At least, I thought I was. I was in that white room with a gentle breeze blowing my bangs around and good god, what was this warmth that was spreading throughout me? Oh, it was him. His arms were already wrapped around me, holding me against his chest. When he came in to focus I could see that he was crying. “You shouldn’t have done that for me, Vic,” he whispered. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Why?” I asked him, my own speech sounding slurred and rough. “I… couldn’t leave…”

“Oh, Vic…” his voice was so smooth, so soft against everything. I was so tired. So dreadfully tired. I wanted to close my eyes, even though they were already closed.

I lifted my head from his shoulder to look at him, but all I could do was grip the shirt he was wearing tighter and tighter as he held me closer and closer. I didn’t want to be with him only when I went to sleep. I wanted to be with him always. “I’m still dying?” I asked him. He nodded gravely, biting his bottom lip.

“You’re going so slowly,” he whispered. I could barely hear him.

“Stay with me,” I begged him. “I’m scared, Kellin.”

“Shh…” his voice sounded so far away now.

I knew this feeling. He was slipping away just like I was. And that meant something I truly, honest to God feared more than anything - I was waking up. “Kellin don’t leave me!” I cried. Fear welled up inside me, I think I could already here the thunder back in the realm of the living. “Come back! KELLIN!”

“Just wait…”

Sirens. Lights. Being jostled around. Screams? I don’t know. Thunder. A horn. People were hovering above me… I heard my mother… my brother… my father?

“You said you’d catch up to me later!”

Oh God, it was Mike. “You said you were coming back! You said I to let you go! I trusted you, God fucking damn it, Vic!” he was shouting now, and suddenly swallowing a bottle of pills didn’t seem like such a good idea. I could hear my mother sobbing. My vision was screwy and blurry but I could barely make out the shapes of my family as the fussed around in some small space - an ambulance - how they’d all been able to ride with me, I don’t know. My father was sitting, one hand covering his face, the other holding a white piece of paper. My note. They must have so many questions for me…. was that a breeze I just felt across my face? “Wake up you asshole!”

I wanted to reach out and hold his hand and let him know that everything was going to be alright, but I couldn’t. I was unable to move at all, not even my eyes. And suddenly darkness seemed to be swallowing me back up, and I was falling backwards just as the vehicle stopped moving and the doors were opening to reveal pouring rain outside. With the last of my energy I tried to whisper “I love you” to them, but nothing came out.

And suddenly, I wasn’t there anymore.

—

“You shouldn’t have,” he whispered. God, his voice sounded so close.

“Don’t try to pretend you aren’t happy I did,” I said, tightening my grip on his hand. “It’s like I waited my whole life to meet you. Well, I did, really.”

He sighed and turned his head away from me to stare at the group of people surrounding the small hole in the ground. “I’m glad they’re burying you there,” he said. “I think… I think it suits you.”

I nodded in agreement. Lay me to rest in the place that I found peace - right next to Kellin’s spot. My name would be added under his, only on a new tomb stone. My mother was sobbing and tears slipped from my father’s cheeks, and Mike just stared at my casket blankly. If anything, I was most sorry to him. For a moment I let go of Kellin’s hand. I know that he had no way of knowing, but my arms were around my brother for a few moments. “I’ll always be right beside you, Mikey,” I whispered. “Just know that I’m happier now.”

And, it was true. I felt so peaceful. So rested. So warmhearted and light and just, nice. His eyes darted to where I would have been standing and for a moment I thought maybe he heard me, but I knew that he did - deep in his heart. When he started to walk away I let go of him, but my eyes followed him as he walked back to the bushes where I had stood so many times before. My parents gave him a questioning look that he ignored, placing not two, but four lilacs and for daffodils down at the place where our tombstone would be. I watched them walk out as my father threw an arm around his shoulders while the mourners all left. “Are you ready?” said Kellin softly. I nodded my head, grabbing his hand again. “You sure?”

I took one last look around this place. Though I lost myself here, I also knew that I had found myself here. And now I would spend forever with this boy that I never actually met. It was better than the life I had been living though. Kellin tilted my chin towards his and kissed me again, deep and full of passion. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged me a little tighter and it felt like we were flying. I didn’t get to spend my life with him, but my afterlife.

And I was okay with that.