I can't do this on my own

I sit on my bed and stare off into space as the strange yellow and orange tones from the sun setting fill my room through my windows. My fingertips run over my many scars on my right arm but I flinch away when they run over the most recent ones. Tears threaten my eyes making me blink repeatedly so that I don't cry but it doesn't work and tears stream down my face as I look down at all my scars. My breath hitches up and my crying starts to get to the point where it's making me loose my breath and my heart pound out of my chest. I place my palm over my forearm and squeeze it, taking the pain as it comes which makes me cry even more.

Ever since I can remember things have been crazy. The first cut was when I was twelve after a person I thought was my best friend and actually cared about me, left. He broke me up inside and thanks to him all the other baggage I had gotten at school for being 'fat', 'ugly', 'weird' and everything else just made me crumble down into the pavement. I pushed through, though many times I wanted to to end it all and there are times where I still do. I can't take all these feelings buried inside me. At one point, one of them just randomly taps my shoulder and I break once again. Like right now, I'm breaking, well... I already have but this is only the beginning.

I kick at my sheets at the end of the bed and look around desperately through my hazy, water coated eyes around my room in search for a blade or anything else that can help ease the pain when suddenly I see an old CD case under my drawer and I quickly get to my feet. I stagger towards it, crying, trembling, but once I get there my phone starts ringing and the ringtone is the one I assigned for my boyfriend. I take a deep breath and dry the tears away with the back of my hands then turn around and pick up the phone from the bedside table. My thumb hovers over the green 'call' icon on the screen and finally my thumb taps it. I put the phone to my ear and hear his voice. His amazing British accent fills my ear sending shivers down my spine and my heart picks up pace in a good way. I love him, so much.

"Hey bird," He says.
"Hi Oli," I smiled. He was always able to make me smile or change my mood. He was literally the only reason why I hadn't ended my life a year and a half ago when we met. And he keeps me breathing to this day. I really don't know how I'll ever be if he leaves me, I'd probably die.
"Mind going out tonight with me? The lads cancelled practice and I want to spend time with my lovely bird," He say which causes me to smile wider and forget what I was seconds away from doing before he called and my thoughts.
"Of course, where to?" I ask biting my lip.
"Great, to a movie. I'll pick you up in thirty minutes babe, love ya'," He says.
"Love ya too," I smile and hung up.

I place the phone back on top of the little wooden table and take another deep breath before I walk over to my closet and pick out something to wear. I choose the space donuts shirt that Oli had given me as a gift for my birthday last year and then a pair of black skinny jeans which are ripped on the thighs. I put on my black vans and cover up my scarred arms with a cardigan. And finally, I proceed to do my make up and tease my hair a bit. Before I know it I hear knocks on my front door and run to it. I sigh and swing the door open to find Oliver standing there smacking his lips and when he sees me he smiles brightly.

"Hi." He smiles and wraps his arms around my neck. I snuggle into his chest and drape my arms around his waist. I breathe in his scent and smile. "Ready?" He whispers into my ear. I nod against the crook of his neck and bring my head up to give him a sweet kiss on the lips. He cups my face in his tattooed hands and deepens the kiss making my heart flutter. But soon he pulls away and runs his hand down my arm then gently slips his hand into mine and interlaces his fingers with mine. "I love you, bird." He smiles down at me. "I love you too, Oli." I grin up at him.


After a couple of minutes in the car we finally arrive at the theater and get out together. I walk over to Oli's side and wait for him to finish locking up the car. Once he does he slips his hand into mine again, giving my hand a little gentle squeeze and we walk inside. Oliver buys us our tickets to a great thriller movie which has the right amount of action for me and horror for him. We walk inside the large room and choose the seats at the very back to sit at because there aren't really many people up there and it will be just us two which is always great since most of the time he's away on tour and we hardly have any alone time, not to mention he's leaving again in two months for the period of four.

Oli pulls my hand over and places it on his lap then he smiles at me and with his left hand grabs a hold of it, leaving his other free which he quickly decides to put his arm over my shoulder and rub my arm as I lay my head on his shoulder. I feel Oli place a kiss on the top of my head and smile as the movie starts playing and all the lights go off. Pressed against Oli's chest with his arm around me, I find it easier to cope with all the horror scenes playing right in front of my eyes although I still shiver. Oli pulls me into him tighter like it's going to make a difference and I decide to just pay attention to his heart beat until he tells me it's safe to look. When I turn my head to look at the screen, blood and guts pop out of nowhere and I yelp making Oli chuckle a little but he rubs my back and stops... a little.

"You're a pussy," Oli snickers at me.
"No i'm not!" I exclaim angrily, slapping his arm a few times but not hard.
"You could of told me you didn't want to watch the movie, Maria," He laughs.
"I didn't mind... You held me the whole time," I smile at him and step in front of him. I get on my tip-toes and drape my arms around his neck then bring him down to my height and kiss him. Oli's hands grip onto my hips and pull me into him where there's nothing separating us. He runs his hands across my back and supports me as I arch my back and pull him down with me. My fingers tangle in his messy, almost shaggy looking brown hair and I smile as his tongue slips into my mouth.
"My place?" He cocks his eyebrow as he slowly pulls away. I bite my lip and nod. Oli grins mischievously and grabs my hand then drags me to his car excitedly.

We get to his house quickly and once we're inside he cups my arse in his hands and quickly picks me up. I giggle and wrap my legs around his waist tightly. Oli carries me to his room and presses me against the wall. His lips start moving faster against mine, deepening the kiss at a great extent as he slides my cardigan off of me and starts running his hands up my shirt to take it off of me. He only pulls away from my lips to take it off over my head but then his lips attack my neck and he moves his hands down my torso to my thighs, pushing them down and I know to unwrap my legs from around him and drop my feet to the floor. Oli nibbles on my neck and murmurs a seductive "Good girl," against my ear before tugging on the rim of my skinny jeans and unbuttoning them. Oli slides the zipper down and tugs on the rim of them until they fall to my knees. I kick off my shoes and shimmy out of the jeans quickly. Oli stops kissing my neck and slips his tongue into my mouth without warning. I drape my arms quickly around his neck, pressing him to me so he can't stop and fight his tongue in my mouth.

Oli cups my breasts in his hands and massages them a bit before unclasping my bra in the middle and throwing it away somewhere on his floor. He pushes me against the wall harder and presses his body against me. I hate how he's still wearing clothes so I tug on his hair until he pulls away and smirks. He steps back from me for a minute and quickly gets undressed in front of my eyes. "Fuck..." He murmurs as he looks at my body up and down and then with a devious smirk he launches back at my body and my back slams against the cool white wall behind me. My breasts are pressed against his tattooed chest and he groans into my mouth as I bite his lower lip then tug on it as he runs his hand down my stomach and rests his hand right on top the rim of my panties. With one hand he pulls on the rim and his other hand slides in freely. I moan out as his fingers lightly brush over my folds and he smirks. "Wet slag." He jokes. His words make me grow even wetter, he knows what he does to me when he speaks like that.

I arch my back and he slips two fingers into me, I pull away from his body and place my wrist on his shoulder then rest my head there and look down at the wonderful thing he's doing. He goes in deeper and I moan in pleasure. Oli really knows how to please me. He adds in another finger and makes me go wild, "Like that?" Oli murmurs in my ear. My mouth forms into an 'o' and I nod when suddenly I feel great pleasure take over me and press my legs together, locking Oli's long tattooed fingers in between them. I arch my head back against the wall and moan his name. Oli watches me tremble in front of him biting his lip and when I stop he pulls his fingers out and puts them directly in his mouth. "Oli, I need you so much..." I tell him. Oli smiles and lifts me up bridal style, then places me on the bed softly and crawl up over me. Oli reaches over my head to his bedside table and opens up the drawer there, then he gets out a condom and hands it to me. I quickly but carefully open the packet and once I have the condom in hand, I sit up and put it on Oli's hard shaft then I lay back down and prepare myself for what's to come.

Oli slides his hands up my inner thighs causing me to open my legs wide and then he adjusts my right leg over his shoulder and presses himself into me. I groan at first but as he slides in and out repeatedly I grow accustomed to his size once again and let myself drift off into the pure pleasure I feel. Oli's hand rests on my lower stomach and he rubs my clit with his thumb fast. I move my hands up to my breasts and massage them to get more pleasure out of the whole situation which really helps and I never break eye contact with Oli who bites his lips as he watches what I'm doing.

Suddenly I notice Oli groaning and panting just as much as me and feel him pull out completely to slam right back in. "Fuck!" We both yell in unison. Oli makes it sound so sexual sending me into an even bigger orgasm. "I love you so much." Oli arches his back and tells me as we ride our orgasm's together. "I know." I smile happily but still completely out of breath. Oli grins and pulls out finally then falls to my side and we both take our time to catch our breaths again.

After a couple of seconds just laying there, Oli gently grabs my left arm and looks at all the cuts with sadness. He knows about my cutting and has tried to get me to stop but I never listen, it's too hard when he's away. He turns on his side and starts kissing over my scars each time getting higher up my arm before finally moving and kissing my lips sweetly. "Please stop." He tells me. I gulp looking into his hazel eyes and nod. "I promise." I say but I know I wont keep it even if I do try hard enough. "Good." He smiles and kisses me sweetly again before laying back on the bed beside me and putting a sheet over our exposed bodies.


I look at myself in the mirror and sigh as I pat along my arm with a white towel to try to stop the bleeding. I press it hard on my skin and groan because it hurts a little. I know I promised Oli I wouldn't hurt myself again but I also know I can't keep that promise, 'ever'. This happened because my parents called me earlier this morning and told me how disappointed they were in me for still being with Oli and not having achieved hardly anything in my life. I'm only twenty-two, I have plenty of time to achieve something later if I want and really, I don't care much, it's not like it's going to change how shit everything is except for Oli and I. That's the only good thing going in my life.

I walk outside and lock the front door then go to my car and get in. I have to go to work and I'm dreading it even though I have Oli to look forward to later on in the afternoon because I'm going to watch the band practice since they're preparing for their tour. I start the ignition of the car and pull out of the driveway then head in the direction of my job as a waitress.

"You're late, Maria." My boss tells me with his arms folded and an incredibly scary face. I sigh and nod. "Sorry." I mumble. My boss huffs and walks out leaving me alone in the changing room to get changed into my stupid uniform. After I finally get ready I walk out into the kitchen and then towards the girls taking orders at the front counter. My fellow waitresses. They all look at me and then walk away because none of them like me. I sigh and look out at all the customers when I hear bickering behind me and turn around to face two of the waitresses looking at me and laughing.

"What do you think you're looking at slags?" I hiss at them.
"Oh just how emotionally unstable you are," One of them laughs.
"Yeh, Oli's a fool for being with you," The other says as she chews on her gum disgustingly. My heart sinks and I know it's true. I'm too much of a mess for him but he loves me and I love him too much to let him go whether it is for his own good or not.
"Like you're any better!" I growl.
"Didn't he tell me I was the best shag he ever had before, Annie?" The blonde one with the gum smiles deviously.
"And? That was before we even got together-"
"Aw, the American doesn't know how British lads work," Annie laughs venomously.
"No, you're lying, Oli loves me." I tell them.
"Then why did he shag me two months ago?" The blonde, Josie asks grinning.
"You- Fuck you!" I yell at them and everyone of the customers even the staff turn to look at us.

I take a deep and take my apron off. I throw it at Josie's face and stomp to the back. There I get changed into my previous clothes and throw my uniform on the floor, suddenly my boss walks in and before he can say anything I say, "I fucking quit! This place is only full of slags, I'm sorry but I can't take it anymore, I'm done." I push past him and walk out of the changing room to the parking lot outside and get in my car. I look at the steering wheel in front of me and before I can cry at what the two bitches said I turn on the ignition and drive to Oli's place. When I get there I jump out of the car and storm in to find him watching TV with Matt Nicholls. Oli looks up at me and gets up off the couch quickly then walks over to me and places his hands on my shoulders.

"What's wrong?" He asks worriedly and that's when the tears fall. I crumble onto his chest and grip at his shirt for support so that I don't fall. Oli grabs my hand and leads me to his room so we have a little privacy and I go directly to sit on his bed. I take a deep breath and look up at him until he sits down beside me. "Did you have sex with Josie from my work, Oli?" I ask with my eyes closed. "What the fuck!? No, ew, she's a filthy slag and I would never cheat on you, I love you too much," He tells me. "You're positive?" I sigh, he nods and lifts my chin up to place a kiss on my lips, "You're the only girl I'll have sex with until the day I die, I promise." I smile and hug him tightly.

We hold each other for a while before pulling away and I sigh, "I quit my job because of her." Oli chuckles and pulls me into him again then says "Wanna come on tour with me than?" I look up at Oli with wide eyes and a gigantic grin. "Would I be allowed to?" I ask him as my eagerness builds up inside me, Oli nods with a smile and I squeal then sit up on my knees on the bed and wrap my arms around his chest and put all my weight onto him causing him to fall on his back and me to fall on top of him. "In that case..." I bite my lip looking down at his gorgeous face, "Yes, yes, yes!" I giggle and kiss him gently, "Awesome babe," Oli smiles and kisses me back.