Status: Short story for a contest. Thanks for reading!

I can't do this on my own

This is sempiternal!

"I don't know, Matt, she's fucking cutting again, she wont fucking stop!" I groan taking a swig from my beer bottle.
"You sure know how to pick'em slags," Lee laughs. I shoot him a glare, "Sorry, ladies." He says raising his hands up in the air as defense.
"You fucking wanker," I murmur and turn back to Matt K.
"She's not worth it, Oli," Matt claps my shoulder and walks over to a blonde slag.
"The twat's right, you'd be better off without her," Matt N shrugs pointing at a girl sitting all alone in the middle of the field then I realize it's Maria. I sigh and stare at her back. She's driving me fucking mad! She wont stop lying and she wont stop fucking hurting herself which stresses me the fuck out.
"Fucking hell, you're right!" I tell Matt and he smiles tightly.
"When am I wrong asshole?" He smirks.
"All the time knob but not tonight, thanks mate," I tell him and turn around then start walking over to where Maria's sitting at.

As I get closer my heart starts to fucking ache and I try to push it back. I fucking love her but it's not worth it anymore. I've put up with her shit for too long, I'm sick of her always fucking around and doing shit to herself when she knows it fucks me up just as bad as her. I try to fucking help her but she never let's me the fuck in and I'm over it. I can always find someone easy to be with no matter how much I care about her. I'm so fucking angry right now. I groan and put my hands in my pocket then speak up, "Maria..." I murmur and hear how fucking sad I actually am to be fucking doing this shit.

Maria turns her head and stands up to face me. She takes a step towards me and asks a simple, "Hmm?" As she tilts her small head to the side and rocks back and forth on her heels like a little kid. I notice she hasn't covered her arms for once in quite a long time and gulp when I see the recent cuts.

"We- I-," Fuck why is it so hard to fucking say this!? "Fuck!" I groan angrily which startles her. I take a deep breath and look down at her, I try to glare and make myself believe I don't love her just to make this easier for me and finally, "It's over. We're over." Come out of my mouth. I shrug and turn on my heel to walk back to the lads since I can't stand to fucking see her like this. Crushed looking, I mean. "Why?" She asks me. I can see she's about to cry and I just blow up with anger at myself, "I'm sick of this, I'm sick of you always breaking your promises for fucks sakes!" I exclaim. "No- Oli please don't go-" Fuck, I'm so done with this. "Too late." I shrug pretending not to give a fuck when really I do. " I can't do this on my own, Oli! I need you, please don't go!" She yells and starts crying. I feel like a total twat but that's fucking it. I turn around and hurry away to the guys without another glance back at her.

Matt Nicholls and I sit there in silence just looking out at the horizon and suddenly the sound of a car skidding and people yelling catches our attention. We both look in the direction of the noise and see people standing around something... then it hits me and I get up. I start running and screaming out her name, fucking tears start falling from my eyes and truth be told I never cry. Once I get to the crowd I push them aside and get inside the circle to where Maria is. I quickly kneel down beside her and grab her hand tightly in mine. She's shivering, shaking, trembling. I take in the sight of her and feel fucking disgusted. I know she did this because of me, I shouldn't have fucking said those things. I shouldn't of fucking left her because of me being so selfish.

"Stay with me! Please don't die! I love you, I'm so sorry I didn't mean it, I love you so much! Please don't go, please!" I beg her. Her eyes glisten and she looks up at me then says, "I love you, too." Before another few tears stream down her right cheek and her eyes close. Her grip on my hand looses and I look at her with anxiety. I start freaking out. "NO! FUCKING STAY!" I scream.





"I love you so much!" I cry and lean my head in to hers. I place my forehead on hers and cry as I hold her hand. She's gone. She's fucking gone. Someone places their hand on my shoulder and I slap them away, "What the fuck ya want cunt!?" I snap at him then realize it's Matt and I get up then punch his face. "You fucking wanker! You fucking mind fucked me and because of you this happened!" I growl. "Bullshit! This was your decision, you didn't have to do what I said!" He punches me back and we start going at it until two guys from another band pull us back. Ambulance's start coming and after a few minutes they take Maria away. I fall to my knees and let myself cry like the fucking idiot I am. I don't care if I look fucking weak, I fucking love her.


I walk into the church and look up the aisle at the black and silver coffin at the front. I start walking past the rows of seats where the people that came to pay their respects are sitting and walk up to the front row where I sit and wait along with everyone else for the priest to speak. The old man starts speaking and finally after a while he calls me up to speak. I take a deep breath and stand up, then I walk the short steps up to the microphone in front of her and cough awkwardly looking out at everyone. Their eyes all bore into me to hear what I have to say. Everyone knows I haven't been coping well for the last two weeks and they all know I wont be the same Oli as I've always been after today. They all have their own assumptions as to why she decided to end her life also and most of them are right. Because of me. Being the wanker I've always been.

"H-Hi," I stutter and sigh, "I don't really know what to say but I guess I should talk about Maria..." I trail off and look around the room. A few people cough and others shuffle in their seats. Josh gives me a thumbs up sign to continue and with a deep breath I do. "We met a year and a half ago, at first I didn't think much of her until I saw her outside the venue all alone leaning against a brick wall. She was staring off into space and I walked up to her to ask what was up, she told me things and from then on we've been together... Up until two weeks ago. She was amazing, she made me so fucking happy-" I choke out, "I left her because of me being selfish and I realize how much of a wanker I am..." I turn around and walk up to her coffin. I stand over it and look down at her pale features. Her brown hair's curled on the tips and her hands are placed gently over her torso. I start crying and don't bother wiping at my tears.

"God, forgive me for everything, I didn't mean for this to happen..."

"I should of known..."

"Why did you go, baby?"

"I should of listened to you, I should of been there for you more, I was never enough... I was so selfish."

"I need you... I love you... So fucking much!"

I put my hand over hers and just look down at her. I'm going to miss her so much. The tears get heavier, my breathing quickens and the flash back of what she last looked like on the road gets thrown back at me like a brick. I fall to my knees and let it all out right there. I fucking hate myself so much. I'm never going to see her smile again, I'm never going to see her anything. I never even hardly loved someone as much as I love her. "Mate, it's time..." I hear Tom behind me. He kneels down next to me a little and claps my shoulder. "I can't live with myself, Tom... This is all my fault!" I mumble angrily. "No it's not... She had the choice to not do it... It's all her," Tom sighs. I open my mouth to say something but decide against it knowing I'd get into a fight.

I get to my feet with the help of Tom and we walk down the two steps, then down the aisle and out the church towards the graveyard. Minutes later everyone gathers there and we all watch as the guys lower the coffin into the six-feet hole. I walk up to the edge and look down. I take a deep breath and drop a bouquet of her favorite flowers and a bunch of Gardenia's which she used to adore. I look down at my hand and see a ring on my finger. I slowly take it off and kneel down on the dirt ground, I lean into the grave and place the ring in the bouquet, then I slowly rise to my feet again and turn on my heel. I look at everyone there, nod and then walk off. I can't deal with seeing that she'll be stuck down there for good, I need her back.


I get home and grab a bottle of rum and gulp it down then a beer and gulp that down. I grow angry and punch the wall leaving a fucking hole in it that's big enough to put a medium sized ball inside. I slam my head against the wall and start crying. I'm so drunk, I'm a fucking wreck. I miss her like crazy. I wish I could hold her right now, kiss her and do everything else with her but just- "Fuck!" I yell and slide down the wall to the floor. I lay there and cry. The pain in my chest grows exceedingly fast. This is what I've done for the past two weeks and I'll be doing this for the next couple of years I guess. I just want her back...

"Fuck..." I murmur and close my eyes. Tears still fall from my eyes but I quickly fall asleep and dream of her. Every inch of her. Every moment with her.

"This is sempiternal..."