Heartache

She clutched the tiny bear in her arms as the salty tears danced down her cheeks. She could taste them on her lips and she could feel those arms around her, the muscles bulging a bit, the colorful ink popping on his skin. His fingertips brushed up and down her arm as her body shook, the sobs wracking through her and taking up a lot of energy. Her eyes were red and puffy, with bloodshot lines running through them. The room was painted in neutral colors. The colors a soft yellow and green, the two people sitting in the middle of it. Baby clothes sat on the changing table, sitting in the corner close to the window, folded and with the tags still on. A crib sat on the other side of the window, with the mobile sitting motionless and attached on the side. The animals hanging above it and staring at the empty crib that was decked out in jungle animals.

She clung to him as her heart broke and her soul died, or so she felt like it. This pain was cutting through her, like a knife cutting through butter. She could feel it from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. The sorrow wrapped itself around her heart like barbed wire, and made it bleed. The crippling pain hurt and she felt like she would never be normal again; even with this man by her side.

His own heart felt heavy since they had received the news. He felt like he had been slapped in the face repeatedly, or like he had lost his best friend again. Life was giving him constant blows and he didn't know how much longer he could be strong for her. He knew that he needed to, because if not they both would collapse and there would be nothing left. Just like hers, his heart was being torn to shreds as if the barbed wire kept wrapping itself tighter and tighter.

Her sobs filled the room and he only had silent tears falling down his cheeks, not wanting to seem weak. He knew that it was okay for him to cry, after what had happened but he couldn't. He could only shed a few tears before he just reverted to his quiet self, his nose stuck in the crook of her neck. A frown covered his semi-plump lips, sans his lip ring. He remembered the day that they had found out. At first he was shocked, this being the last thing he needed right now. They were going to go on a world tour and he had yet to break the news to her.

He was so nervous and he felt like something was up and then when he received the news, his heart sped up and he felt himself get dizzy, his hearing going and he felt like she was getting far away. Her eyes were sparkling but then it began to fade slowly as she seen his reaction, having thought that he would have been happy. It was then that she thought that things were over and that he was about to tell her that he couldn't do this.

Those memories jogged through his mind as he held the girl in his arms, her sniffles the only thing that could be heard in the room. Her body jerked every now and then and he just wrapped his arms tighter around her. He wanted to say something to her, wanting to ease her pain but he couldn't find the words. He couldn't make his brain and his mouth work as one. He was disconnected from himself. His fingers stroked the fur of the bear, running the smooth material back and forth. He absent absentmindedly began to hum to her. It was the only thing he could get his mouth to do.

“How could this happen? I was doing so good,” She finally choked out, after a while of him sitting there and rocking her back and forth.

“I guess it wasn't our time,” he whispered to her, the only thing his brain could formulate to come out of his mouth.

“I was ready!” She spoke with fierce determination in her voice. “I wanted to be a mother! You're the one that was hesitant about it!”
She knew that she was lashing out at him and it wasn't right, he didn't deserve this. It wasn't like he was the one that caused her to miscarry.

“It's all your fault!” She accused, her small hands curled into fists and begins to pummel his chest over and over again.

Her anger fueled her hits, but then it began to die down until she collapsed against him, stuttering out a why with the tears that started to fall again. Her eyes were burning and her eyes were tired. She felt like she had cried for eternity and she felt like she was never going to be the same again. Her hand going to her now empty stomach, having had the dead fetus removed earlier. All of her dreams of holding the baby in her arms were crushed with the cold, callused words of the doctor. There was no emotion on his face as he gave those words that would change the couple forever.

“Come on baby,” he finally spoke and gently maneuvered both of their bodies off the hardwood floor.

She yanked herself away from him, still holding the bear, “No! I'm going to stay in here.”

Her voice was strong there before it tapered off, before repeating those words again. He frowned as she did, hoping that they would be able to spend time together and try to get through it together.

“Babe....why don't we just hold each other in our bed?”

“No, Matthew!” She spat, a fire burning in her eyes as she glares at him.

He rubbed his face and he can feel his anger starting to get the best of him, “Fine! You can stay in here.”

He didn't mean to snap, but that is what happens to him when he bottles up his feelings. He pivoted on his heels and made his way out of the nursery, slamming the door shut, causing the animals to start swinging on the mobile. She fell to her knees and a fresh batch of tears fell down her cheeks and fell onto the bears head, soaking into its' fur. She felt like no one understood the pain she was going through.

Her body was the one that went through the trauma with losing the baby. She had been attached since the day she had found out and no one understood that, especially Matt. He could never understand the pain she is going through. He couldn't feel the emptiness where their child had been nestled in the womb. Her hand rested on her stomach again as she cried but there were no more tears to cry. She felt like her whole body had gone numb. Her body curled up onto the rub by the crib and it moved with each breath she took in, it shuddering. Her sniffles were louder this time as she tried to get her breath back.

She could hear Matt moving around downstairs and her body was beginning to ache, but she wouldn't move. Her mind was made up, she was going to make her home in this room. It was as if it would bring the baby back. It was wishful thinking of a desperate woman. A woman who has been told that she would never be able to bare children. Something had gone wrong with the pregnancy, her body rejecting it. It was then the doctor's made the discovery that she would never carry to full term. That was the time her mind went blank and she didn't hear him giving the options that she could do.

“I wish you were here mommy,” she spoke so vulnerable, as if she were a child again. “I miss you everyday. You'd be here for me.”

She kept speaking to her mom, the one who had died in a car accident when she was sixteen years old. It made her feel better but she still didn't want to move. She just wanted her baby back, the piece of her and Matt that they both had created.

“How could this happen to me? I don't deserve this.”

Those words rang in her head as she laid there, her mind racing and time ticking by. She didn't know how long she had laid there before the door opened again and Matt brought in some tea on a tray. The ceramic mug sitting next to a vase that held a sunflower, one of them that he had cut from the garden. His eyes were red and it looked like he had been crying too. The heartbreaking look in eyes made her see the pain that he is feeling, the same pain that she was feeling.

She opened her arms to him and he instantly set the tray down, pulling her small body into his huge one. He hugged her tightly and whispered into her ear:

“I'm hurting too.”

His voice was thick with tears and she could feel him squeezing her even more than he did earlier. He held onto her before he collected himself and pulled back, his fingers brushing away at his tears and wiping them on his dark jeans. He knew that he had to tell his parents and the guys, not having through about that until now. His parents were going to be devastated, he thought as he moved to grab the cup of tea off the tray. He held it out to his girlfriend and she took it with shaky hands. He could tell just how bad this was effecting her. He couldn't even fathom the amount of pain that she was going through.

She took the tea from him and brought the mug to her lips, a soft scent of lavender filling her senses. Her mind began to relax as the hot liquid slid down her parched throat. She felt the calming flower work it's magic but it didn't take the heaviness of the sadness away. It only made it deeper but she felt like she didn't want to do anything about it.

Matt gently pried the bear from her one arm and picked her up, with ease, into his arms. He made sure that he didn't spill any of her tea down their shirts. Her body was tired and he knew that, he knew that after she cried she would need to rest. Which was why he was carrying her to the bed right now.

“Thank you, Matt,” She muttered as he fluffed her pillows for her, having set her on the huge bed.

He made sure she was comfortable and gave her a small smile, removing his shirt and dropping his pants, crawling onto the bed. His weight caused the bed to dip and her own body to move with the dip. Of course she just sat there until she finished her tea, her arm reaching out to set it on the cherry-walnut , wood of the table that housed the Tiffany lamp. She laid down after that, not even bothering to change out of the clothes that she was wearing. For once, Matt didn't mind either because he just wanted to hold her close to him. Which he did, his arms wrapping tight around her. The room was bathed in darkness with the click of the switch on the lamp. Both of their breathing were the only thing that could be heard. His breathing began to even out, the crying having really drained him. She, she couldn't sleep after everything that had happened. Her mind was running and the Lavender wasn't even helping either. Her cheek rested on the top of his head and she could hear him breathing. Her eyes were heavy but she didn't know if it was going to be restful.

Finally she closed her eyes and fell into a fitful sleep. She didn't know the future but she knew that her and Matt were going to weather anything, although this would never fade. In time it will get easier for the couple, but for right now they are going to have to cling to each other. Whenever a storm is hitting hard, all you can do is batten down the hatches and to dig your heels deep into the dirt and never let go. There will be fights and words said that sometimes can't be taken back, but a relationship is always workable. The ones you love will always be there for you to help you out of this rut and that is the thought that comforted her tired body as she clung to the man she loved.