Symptoms of Life

My head was swimming on the drive back to the school. Dr. Todd had picked me up at lunch to go to a physiotherapy appointment, letting me skip my free study hall period and dropping me off in time for my last class.

I was stuck back at the hospital. I think it was more of a permanent feeling. It felt like when they took my leg, they took the biggest and best parts of me, and just dumped them into a biohazards waste bin.

Rubbing my hand over the fresh bruise and swelling welt on my face I knew I’d gone too far. From the strict frown and coursing vein on David’s face I knew that Dr. Peterson had told him about the accident. I suppose he would have anyways. By law, David he was my guardian and a friend of his.

I could still feel that coursed threw me on the elliptical. It had slunk through my veins with a mischievous force, and all Dr. Peterson had to do was mention the magic words. He didn’t know what they were though, and that they were so dangerous. He didn’t know the power that that one single idea, or threat held over my physiological state.

I was all bruised up from the fall. The robotic leg had started to go so fast I was incapable of stopping it. The pedals of the machine kept spinning, faster and faster, until I collapsed under my own weight, smacking my head off of the control panel and landing on the hardwood.

I’d already admired the emerging blue spots all over my upper arms, knees, and shins long before Dr. Todd had gotten a look. I could think of where they all were, my fingertips tracing their locations and a small smile dancing onto my face whenever they pressed on a tender edge.

The prosthetic sat terribly on the stump now. It was swollen and annoyed with my behavior, taking on a red and purple look. Like it was a child holding its breath until they got what they wanted.

“We’ll talk about this tonight.” Dr. Todd snipped. One hand reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, while the other clicked the ‘unlock’ button. His face was set, stern, and I knew I wasn’t going to get out of it. I was definitely in shit.

I shuffled out of the car. The mid-afternoon air was still chilling, and I almost regretted leaving my parka in the assigned locker.

“Last period has already started, get a move on.” Dr. Todd shouted, driving off just as I shut the passenger side door.

I walked straight to the administration office, and the secretary wordlessly handed me a late slip for the third time this week. From there I continued down the hall. I could feel my eyes well up on the way down to the elevator. The prosthetic was usually tight, it had to stay on, but with the stump swelling it felt like the limb was suffocating.

I kept walking though, wincing at the mechanical sound of the ankle and knee joints, and praying to God that no one else would notice. The hall was empty though, and every stride of mine along with every heartbeat echoed aimlessly in the tall ceilings.

“Fuck.” I hissed feeling the joint twisting under my weight causing me to fall to almost the ground again. My eyes pricked with tears as I tumbled to a stop in front of the elevator and pressed down on the call button with full force. My hand swung back up wiping my eyes hastily.

“Do you always look so lost?”

A shiver ran down my back as I looked to the left. Mr. Hughes was standing a few feet away from me, smugly staring at the elevators control panel. His beard had definitely been trimmed, and his hair was sleeked back into yet another bun. He glanced at me quickly, before stepping into the awaiting elevator cab.

“I’m not lost.” I replied, setting a shaky leg into the elevator and slowly positioning myself into the back corner for stability. “I know where I’m going.”

“Where’s that?”

“Fourth period biology.” I muttered feeling the cell phone buzz in the blazer pocket. I pulled it out, wondering what there was left for Dr. Todd to yell about. Mr. Hughes barked a laugh as I glanced plainly at the screen feeling my heart freeze instantaneously.

’Tu me manques.’

The number was unrecognizable. I’d know his number upside down and backwards no matter the date or time or the events of the universe. The number made my hart stop dead in my chest. My thumbs twitched over the keyboard trying to find the right response the right words, maybe an apology. Maybe just something.

Mr. Hughes laughter and ramblings had drained out into the background until he touched my shoulder, jolting my attention to his face. My eyes were caught on his, while he reached the phone out of my trembling hand.

“Is it that stupid boy from last week?” He asked, his finger tapping the screen in curiousity.

“Yeah.” I muttered my eyes hitting the ground.

“Do you want me to block the number?” He asked, the phone was already unlocked and I could see him itching to flip through the screens.

“No.” I snapped, reaching for the phone, and falling slightly as he slid it up high and out of reach.

“Why not?” He demanded, his eyebrows raised and a serious look plastered to his face. “Why let him bother you?” I couldn’t answer, the words had tied my tongue up, and I searched wordlessly for the easiest explanation. “Well?” Mr. Hughes pressed, clicking his tongue and staring directly into me.

“It’s like,” I tried, thinking back to countless television shows, “it’s like not answering, but reading, is a tiny accomplishment. When I don’t answer, it feels like I’ve succeeded.”

“But you were going to answer.” He challenged, his eyes flickering to the phone where the beginnings of a sentence were scrawled. “You know, I do speak some French, and that response doesn’t say ‘go away’.” A small smile played at his lips as he shoved the phone into his back pocket. The elevator doors opened and he took a long stride out. “Phone’s aren’t allowed in school, Miss Todd. You can get this from me when the bell rings.”

He walked down the hall, with faster and longer legs than I could ever hope to keep up with. Instead I was left to stumbled wordlessly thirty feet behind him to the biology class.

My eyes squeezed tight while my hand locked in on turning the door handle. I stepped in, noticing the conversation stopping mid-sentence.

“So nice of you to join.” Mr. Gerris crowed, nodding to the reset of the class. I strode down to my assigned seat, sitting down in the middle of the room. A power-point was projected onto the front, but no one seemed to be taking notes. “We were just discussing what makes something living and what makes something human. Do you have something to add, Miss Todd?”

“They breathe?” I suggested, settling back into the chair and grabbing a pencil out of the side of my bag. The class snickered quietly and Mr. Gerris rolled his eyes.

Biology was not my type of subject, in fact nothing in school was in general not my subject. According to Dr. Todd all successful people were doctors, and in order to amount to anything in his eyes I needed to pass this course with flying colours.

“As I was saying, living things have to be able to adapt and reproduce.” Mr. Gerris shrugged, pulling the last bullet point onto his page. “Can anyone give me an example of something that cannot adapt or reproduce?”

“A rock?”

“Sterilized people?” The glass giggled.

Mr Gerris grimaced. “A good example of adaptability is lizards, they can regrow limbs.” Mr. Gerris sighed, leaning down onto his front lab bench.

“Humans can’t regrow limbs.” Someone piped up from the front. “That doesn’t mean they’re still human and living.”

“Might as well not be.” Someone mumbled from the back. “Fuckin’ gross.”

Mr. Gerris lunged on the conversation point, taking the talk into a deeper direction. I floated somewhere on the top of it. Mildly aware of the one-sided discussion taking place. My hands doodled circles onto the page. I wasn’t going to listen, there wasn’t a point to it.

The opinions of the class bit into my skin, slashing into me with hundreds of little whips of tongues. Their opinions were only skin deep, and my mind was stuck dwelling on the message.