Sick Pleasure

I was bored to the point that I was having to fight to stay awake. I didn’t want to be out with friends. I just wanted to be at home, in bed, and just let the depression take over me. Either that or go out in hopes of running into Abby and getting back with her. I hadn’t seen nor heard from her in about six months now.

I felt a head lean on my shoulder, a pair of arms twining around my own arm, and I looked down at the dark haired girl next to me. Matt’s girlfriend, Elaine, had taken it upon herself to set me up with someone, in what I assumed was an effort to keep me the hell away from Abby. Lena was a childhood friend of hers, and with the news of her having ended her last relationship, Elaine hurriedly made arrangements to get me and Lena together. She was alright, though I saw her more as a friend than a girlfriend, but I kept her around thinking that she could distract me until I hooked up with Abby again. It hadn’t worked half as well as I thought it would.

I sighed and looked to my right at Keri. She was leaning against the table, looking just as bored as I felt. She wasn’t fond of these group dates, mostly because of the girls. She’d never say anything to Jimmy, but when it was just me and her, she usually ended up complaining about how much she couldn’t stand Elaine, Tessa, and even Lena. Elaine stuck her nose in other people’s business too much. Tessa was a self-centered bitch, and Lena was too whiny for Keri’s liking. I wasn’t sure if I was just oblivious to the whining or if Keri was just too picky. Then again, it could be just because Keri was about ten years older than the others.

After a few seconds, Keri looked my way and shot me a look that said she wanted out now. I mouthed to her that we still had a while of suffering to endure, laughing when she mimed shooting herself with a gun. Lena lifted her head in curiosity when I did so, and I told her that I’d just thought of something funny.

As another story began to be told, I let my mind wander, the thoughts eventually leading to those of Abby. The last I’d heard, she’d been hooking up with some low life drug dealer, but I wasn’t sure if they were over or not. Abby’s flings never lasted all that long, ranging anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. I somehow managed to get the longest amounts of time with her, and even then it wasn’t more than six months or so.

A song came on over the restaurant’s speakers, a song I hadn’t heard in a few years, and as I closed my eyes, one an early memory of Abby started to play in my mind.

She was stretched out on the couch, holding a cigarette between her lips and staring at the ceiling. She crooned along to the Matchbox Twenty song playing on the radio, seemingly unaware of what was going on around her. I lit my own cigarette as I watched her. Her feet tapped the cushions of the couch in time to the song, and her hand swayed back and forth whenever she didn’t have the cigarette in her mouth.

“I wanna take you for granted.” Her back arched as she let herself really get into the song, now belting out the lyrics. I wasn’t sure if it was just because she liked the song or actually felt a connection to it, but I learned later during the years after that there was probably a really strong connection between her and the song.

The song ended, and another song started to play but was ignored as Abby put out her cigarette and forced herself off the couch. She didn’t say anything, not even when she walked over me on the way to wherever she was going.

“Abbs!” I shouted after being left alone for several minutes. I waited for a response, one that I never received, and after trying a second time, decided to check on her. It was easy enough, she’d found a place in the hallway to curl in on herself, her shoulders shaking. In the quiet, her almost silent sobs were easily detected by my ears, and I felt my heart break for her a little. Softly, I walked towards her, kneeling beside her and placing my hand on her arm.

“Abby, what’s wrong?” I asked, and her head shot up, her eyes narrowed and angry despite the tears that were still falling from them.

“Fuck off, Brian,” she spat, slapping my hand away. Stunned, I found myself unable to figure out a proper response in the right amount of time, only pissing her off more as she grabbed a hold of my shoulders and shoved me backwards. I winced as my back hit the floor, and she showed no concern for me as she walked away.

“Abby,” I called as I stood, having not yet learned better than to not push these issues with her. I followed her steps into the bedroom, being greeted by a clock radio thrown my way and ducking just before it hit me.

“Get out!” she shouted.

“I didn’t do anything.” This time I was hit in the stomach by a book, and I doubled over in pain.

“I said get out, dammit!” When I didn’t move, she stalked towards me and pushed me backwards, causing me to hit the wall. We both froze, eyes locking, and I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

Next thing I knew, she was pressed up against me, her lips on mine. Reflexively, I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her back, and she jerked them away, her hands pinning my own to the wall. I had no idea what had come over her, but who was I to complain if it meant sex? I’d have been a fool to try to stop her, especially when the previous outburst made it obvious she didn’t want to talk.

Being forced out of my thoughts as I was informed that everyone was heading on to the next part of the evening, something I opted out of and convinced Lena of doing as well. It wasn’t that hard, though she had ideas that differed from mine. I’d wait until we were back at her place to try and discourage them. If I failed at that, I’d suck it up and go through with it.



I stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. The desire to spend at least one night with Abby was too strong, and my heart ached for her. I was slightly tempted to call Keri but talked myself out of it since it was the middle of the night and she was most likely with Jimmy, who wouldn’t appreciate my call especially since it would revolve around Abby.

It didn’t matter if I couldn’t talk to her though. I already knew how the conversation would go, having had it with her multiple times over the last several months. Keri was the only person who was willing to listen to my whining. She was the only one who didn’t hate Abby, but she wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of her either.

Keri had come to the conclusion that Abby saw me as nothing more than a safety net, confirming a thought that had plagued me for years. I couldn’t find much room to argue with her either, since Keri had studied psychology for twelve years and had been in practice for two and a half years. It made sense though, explaining why she would always come back.

I jolted with the loud buzz of a cell phone, and I quickly sat up and grabbed my phone out of my jeans. I didn’t even bother checking to see who was calling, just answered it so that the noise would stop.

“Hello?” I whispered, trying not to wake Lena.

“Brian?” The voice on the other end was more than welcome to my ears, and I fell back against the bed, sighing in absolute relief. The ache in my chest vanished, only to be replaced with a yearning for more. “Some asshole stole my car. I need you to come get me.”

“Where are you?” I didn’t care that it was 3 in the morning, that I hadn’t slept all night, nor did I care to ask why she was calling me out of nowhere instead of one of her other friends. I just wanted to be with her again.

“Know that homeless shelter just outside of town? I’m waiting outside.”

“Be there in a bit,” I replied just before ending the call. I glanced at Lena, finding her to still be sound asleep, and slowly slid out from beneath the covers, making an effort to not make the bed move too much. I grabbed my clothes and walked out of the room, deciding it would be better to put them on in a different room. I didn’t give it a second thought as I left the apartment. Lean would find out I’d left in the morning and break up with me when she discovered why. I didn’t give a shit if I saw her again or not.

The fact that it was so late at night meant there were next to no cars driving and I could drive faster than normal. Being able to speed, I managed to cut the trip to the homeless shelter in half.

As I walked to the entrance, I found her sitting on the steps with an older homeless guy, both smoking and holding a bottle of beer. They looked to be deep in conversation, not realizing that I was walking towards them.

She was wearing white, nothing but white. From her hair to her shoes, she was covered in her signature color, a color usually associated with purity and all out good. Those qualities weren’t Abby though, the complete opposite. She was nothing but a devil in white, pretending to be something she wasn’t, and I was nothing but a toy from her to play with when she was bored. Yet I still wanted her with every fiber of my being.

I cleared my throat when I was about a foot away from them, causing them to look up, and she smiled brilliantly when she noticed me. My heart stopped for a second, and I returned the smile. She stood and turned to the older man, helping him stand and embracing him. It was one of the few moments that she actually seemed like a caring human being, and I fell a little harder for her.

As she pulled away from the hug, I noticed her discreetly slipping a fifty into the man’s coat pockets, though he didn’t act like he noticed. She said something to him quietly, earning a smile from the man, and then they parted way, with him going inside the shelter and her towards me.

I wrapped my arms around her the moment she was close enough to me, not caring that she was trying to break free.

“Give me some breathing room, alright?” she asked, trying to keep her voice teasing, but the irritation was definitely there, enough to sting. I let go, still keeping one arm around her as I led her towards my car. “Long time no see, huh?”

“I guess,” I replied with a shrug, trying to stay nonchalant. I wasn’t sure if the attempt was a success or a failure, but I didn’t give a shit about it. “What are you doing out here anyway?”

“My car was stolen,” she said as she opened the door to my car and climbed inside. In other words, none of your damn business. The door was slammed shut before I even started towards my side of the car.

Nothing was said as I put the keys in the ignition and started the car. Nothing was said even as the car was put into drive and turned onto the street.

“Same place?” I asked after a couple of minutes.

“Yeah.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her phone light up, the sound of her thumbs tapping against the screen joining the noise of the running engine. The twenty minute drive to her apartment was accompanied by silence, and as much as I hated it, I didn’t want to be the one to break it.

“You can crash here if you want,” she said offhandedly as I pulled into the parking lot. “It’s kind of late.” I only nodded, pulling into the first empty space I saw and killing the engine. She climbed out without waiting for me, having about a ten feet head start by the time I got out of the car. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I hurried after her, just so I wouldn’t be left behind.

“You know where to go. I’ve gotta take a piss.” The door to her apartment was slammed shut as she sauntered towards the bathroom. I spared a quick glance around the place, finding it to be the same as it was the last time I’d been there, and them made my way towards her bedroom. My clothes were ditched the moment I stepped inside, and I climbed under the covers of her bed and closed my eyes.

I peeked out of one as footsteps hit the hard wood floor, Abby walking in wearing nothing but underwear. She had a cigarette in her mouth, her hands being use to tie her hair back.

“Hand me the ashtray,” she muttered around the cancer stick, and I immediately obliged. The moment her hair was pulled through the tie she was using, she grabbed the ceramic tray and used her other hand to put out the cigarette. “I’m too tired for sex, just FYI,” she told me as she walked over to the light switch and turned off the lights.

“Who said I wanted it?” I snapped. She shrugged it off though as she wormed her way under the covers as well. “You’re welcome by the way.”

“Thanks.” Nothing else was said, and it wasn’t long until I could hear her breathing even out as she fell asleep. I turned over to face her, taking one of the few opportunities to see her face when it wasn’t being used to mask her emotions. It was times like these that you could see just how fragile she actually was, not that she would admit such a thing to herself much less anyone else. She refused to let any one soul in, and Keri figured that was never going to change. Keri also felt that would also lead to her never loving someone, and oddly, I was okay with that. There’s a sick sort of please to loving someone even if you know there’s no chance in them loving you back. The pain I felt let me know I was still alive, and I’d rather be safe in that knowledge than not feel anything.