Fix a Heart

I stared out at the crystal blue water, my hair being whipped gently around my face by the gentle wind. I stood at the edge of the pier, leaning over the railing with my forearms resting on it, supporting my weight as I leaned. The pier was vacant, its only visitor myself. I glanced down at the water just beneath me, how deep it looked. I judged how easily I could lean the rest of the way over the pier, hurl myself into the deep beautiful blue water. How long would it take for me to drown? How long, until this feeling inside would go away? A soft sigh escaped my lips and I looked back out at the slowly descending sun.

“I knew I’d find you here.” A voice suddenly called out.

I knew that voice all too well. I didn’t turn to look at the irritating boy who’d just entered my life a mere month ago.

“What are you doing here Nick? And how’d you know I’d be here?” I asked in a strangely calm voice, but the irritation leaked through in a slight undertone.

“It was the nearest place to go where you could hurt yourself, and go somewhere you liked. You told me once you’d go to the ocean whenever you could to feel safe.” He reminded me. I was taken back by how he remembered an insignificant detail. “And I told you I’d help you. I told you I wasn’t giving up.” His voice was very close to me now, I knew if I turned my head or moved my eyes a bit I’d see him with that same serious, concerned look on his face. I’d see his gorgeous brown eyes look at me with determination and I’d see that small flash of relief when I’d go back with him.

But I didn’t want to go back. I never wanted to go back. I was sick of this. I couldn’t be cured. They should all just give up and let me go my merry way.

“I’m not going back.” I said calmly, but in a tone that showed force.

“I didn’t ask if you wanted to, Avery.”

“I know what you were thinking. This has kind of become a tradition huh? I run, you find me. Give me a long speech about how what I’m doing isn’t good and I could kill myself, and it wouldn’t actually help. Tell me you truly care, though of course I don’t let myself believe it, but you tell me again and again. You somehow drag me back to my grandma’s, me of course protesting the whole time. Tell me this Nick, what’s the point?” I still hadn’t looked at him. But I could tell he rolled his eyes by the sigh that he let out.

“Don’t you already know the answer, Avery?” He asked.

I shifted my weight on my left heel and whirled on him. My face was hard but my heart sped a bit when I looked at him. I had this reaction towards him every time I saw his deep brown eyes turn on me. I forced myself not to react any further, as usual.

“Just let me go Nick. Just leave me alone for once. I’m not going back.” I said sternly, my calm starting to slip away.

He simply shook his head. I crossed my arms across my chest, tucking a lock of my black hair behind my ear. My blue eyes flashed to his face, and when his brown ones held my gaze, not baking down, I stared right back. I wasn’t backing down, and neither was he. We stared at each other until finally a wave of exhaustion washed over me and I sighed, tearing my eyes away from him. I started walking down the pier, back towards the beginning. Nick knew this meant he’d won, and he quickly rushed to catch up with me.

I wished he would just let me be. I wished he would stop trying to save me, stop trying to keep me from hurting myself. I never understood why he cared. He didn’t know me. He knows a lot more than you think he does, he just proved that. I scowled at my thought, and kept my face straight. I forbade myself from glancing at Nick’s face and seeing the smug look planted there at his victory. I had my hands curled into tight fists, pressed against my ribs as my arms were crossed. I hated myself for how easily I’d given up. I hated myself for being so weak every time.

I craved something to take the pain away. I hadn’t cut or done drugs tonight. I wished that I did though; it would have been harder for Nick to bring me back. I curled my fingers tighter; the jittery feeling of withdrawal was creeping up on me now that I’d allowed myself to consciously think about it. I slowly slid my fist to my pocket, and grinned to myself when I felt the bump of the baggie holding a joint and a blade. The grin quickly washed off my face with a gasp as strong arms wrapped around my body, pinning my arms to my sides.

“What the fuck?” I hissed, Nick’s hands creeping into my pockets and I struggled to get away from him.

“I saw your hand. You think I’m going to save you, just for you to go home and shoot up or whatever your choice of drug is tonight?” He sounded incredibly pissed off.

“Shut the hell up Nick. Like you fucking know anything. Get your hands off of me.” I growled.

“Fine,” He snatched the bag from my pocket and then withdrew from me, releasing his hold on me. I quickly spun around and glared at him.

“Give. It. Back.”

He examined the bag for half a minute before looking me straight in the eyes.

“What’s the blade for? Doing coke?” He questioned, his eyes holding a fierceness I hadn’t bothered to look straight in the eyes before. He’s never taken my stuff before; I’d never had it on me. He’d only found me high, drunk, and peering on the edge of suicide. I’d never seen the angry, fierce look before. Or if I had, never sober.

“None of your damn business.” I crossed my arms again, the feeling of withdrawal creeping back. Anxiety was crawling up my spine.

“So you’re that far gone huh? Into the hard stuff now?”

I wasn’t sure why he was questioning me like this. I wasn’t sure why he cared. “No, asshole, and it’s none of your damn business anyway!” I yelled at him, my fists shaking as the anxiety crawled higher and higher, and the demons in my mind screaming louder and louder.

“It isn’t? It isn’t my business when I’m the one person who creeps bringing you back home? The one who keeps you from killing yourself?”

“I never asked you to save me! Don’t you get it!? I don’t want to be saved! I want you to give me back my fucking bag so I can go home and cut my skin open and watch myself bleed while I’m higher than the Empire State Building!” I nearly screamed, my body shaking and tears starting to roll down my cheeks. He’d never seen me like this either. A sob built up in my chest, but I forced it down. I wouldn’t show him this weakness. My breath was uneven and ragged.

He was quiet for a moment and his face softened. “You’re not the only one who’s ever been like this before, Avery. You’re not the only one who’s ever craved the feel of metal biting into your skin.”

I rolled my eyes as I tried to force the tears back. But they kept coming. “Spare me the lecture, Nick. What do you know about what I feel? Why do you even care?”

“God dammit, Avery! I know how you feel because I’ve been where you are before! I’ve felt that overwhelming urge to slice your skin! I’ve sat in the bathroom, one part of my mind screaming to just do it and I’ll feel better, and another tiny part trying to remind me of the things I actually care about!” He shoved the sleeves of his hoodie up to his elbow and showed me the uneven white scars decorating his arm. I gasped very softly, the tears somehow slowing. “And you want to know why I care so much about you? A girl I met only a month ago? You want to know why I keep saving you from yourself, even though you hate me more and more each time? You wanna know why I won’t just let you go? Won’t just let you die? Because I fucking love you, okay? I love you. I keep coming back to save you, because I can’t let you die. I can’t let the girl I love so fiercely just die, before I’d even told her I loved her. Before I showed her. I need to have a chance to love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

The tears were a soft trickle against my skin. My eyes looked into his. I could see the love there, the want, and a struggle. I wondered what he was struggling against. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words got trapped in my dry throat. I closed my mouth again and swallowed a couple times. He waited, watching me, his arms half extended towards me, like they wanted to scoop me up and carry me away. And I could feel something in my heart. It was something I hadn’t let myself feel for a long time. I wasn’t sure if it was love exactly, but it was caring. I had forced myself not to care, not to love, for years to protect myself from more pain and disappointment. And I cared about this boy, no matter how much I tried to shove it away and ignore it, it was there.

“I’m not sure if I’m capable of love anymore. And I certainly don’t deserve it.” I finally said, so softly I wondered if he even heard it.

“I believe you are, and I know you do. You deserve to be loved and cared for.” He spoke so passionately, that it melted me. A fluttering grew in my chest and stomach.

I wasn’t sure who kissed who. It happened so fast, so suddenly that I didn’t even process the pressure against my lips until the passion of it rocked my mind. It was a fierce kiss, full of passion and love. It was filled with heartbreak and longing. But it was also filled with hope. It felt like too soon when he pulled apart, slowly and gently, and gazed into my eyes.

“I want to love you like a woman should be loved. But I want you to love yourself first. I want you to go to rehab, take care of yourself and become the person you want to be. Not this person who isn’t in control of your body. You’re a fighter, Avery. And I need you to fight. I love you so freaking much, its hurts. And I need you to fight for yourself.”

“I, I’m not strong enough. I don’t deserve you or to be happy. I want to love you. I want to be with you. But how can you possibly be with a girl fucked up like me?”

“You are strong. I love you because of how strong you are. I love you because of all your imperfections.”

Tears escaped from my eyes and I sniffled. “No one has ever been there for me like you have. I’ll, I’ll get help. I’ll get better. For you, for me,” I took a breath. “For us.”

He smiled at me, his eyes filled with love and he pulled me into his arms. I rested my head on his chest and breathed him in, closing my eyes.