Already Gone

He was perfect in every way. Handsome, generous, funny, centered, every quality that you look for in the perfect man is what he had. Of course he was entirely unaware of this fact, which made him all the more perfect. From his infectious laugh all the way to the sound of his heart beating against my ear when we would lay together, in my eyes there was nothing that would ever or could ever be wrong with him.

Of course, these were all the reasons why I couldn't bring myself to be a part of his life any longer.

He may or may not have known it as soon as I had, but somewhere along the way there came a moment of revelation that settled in, saying that what we had was going to end. Neither of us had any cause for it, there was never a whisper of infidelity or abusive behavior, we were truly compatible with one another. But for some reason, that just wasn't ever going to be enough.

Without realization, my hand had wandered up to my collar bone, searching for something across the exposed skin that was only the phantom of a memory.

He had a rare day off, surprising me at my apartment with promises of plans for the day. I had scolded him for coming to my door before noon on a Saturday, surely he knew better.

"That's what makes it a surprise," He smiled at me through the mirror as I finished getting ready. "It's unexpected."

"A call might have been nice!" I laughed, lightly shoving his shoulder while he leaned against the doorframe. "Lord save anyone who see's me when I've just woken up."

"Pretty sure I already have," His chuckle made me blush at the memory. I gave him an embarrassed look through the mirror as I finished putting things away.

"Alright then, Mr. Renner, where to?"

"Are you sure you're done getting ready?" He asked. For a moment I was horrified and turned back to the mirror fearful I have forgotten something, like pants. He laughed again as he stepped behind me, the glimmer of a silver chain dangling out of his hand. "Maybe try this on?"

I was waken out of my day dream by a cold hand on my arm, "Carrie?"

Blinking a few times, my mind was brought back to the reality that was six other pairs of eyes looking at me from around the giant table we sat at. I looked to the woman sitting next to me, her face holding an expressions of worry mixed with confusion. "Um, sorry." I stuttered, sitting more upright in my seat.

The meeting continued with me trying my hardest to focus on what the director of my department was talking about, rather than return to the memories that had not-so-suddenly come back into my mind. By the time we had wrapped up, I was exhausted and thankful that the workday was coming to an end. I shuffled a few papers around at my desk, letting out a tired sigh and finally letting my head fall into my hands, trying to gather myself before leaving for the day.

"It's him again, isn't it?" Looking up and seeing the same woman who brought me back to Earth during the meeting, I clasped my hands together and pressed my knuckles into my forehead as she continued to talk. "You know, you're allowed to miss him."

"No." I said sharply, standing up quickly and starting to pack up my things to leave. "No, I'm not."

I could feel her eyes on me as I turned off the computer at my desk and went to grab my jacket. "Why not?" She pushed, her eyes slightly narrowed at my complete lack of eye contact.

My head fell back as I let out a huff of air, looking over to my friend with a determined look. "Because," I started. "I shouldn't miss something that was destined to never work out."

At that, with the conversation was over, I made my way through the maze of an office I worked in and out the front door of the large corporate building into the afternoon buzz of the city.

"What are you talking about?" He stopped what he had been doing and looked over to me with a baffled, almost offended, expression. I started to shrug my shoulders, instantly regretting the words that had previously come out of my mouth. "No, don't do that. What do you mean, Carrie?"

I opened my mouth to start explaining myself, stuttering over the first few words. "I just... It's..." I sighed, willing myself to not cry over something like this, something that should have been addressed from the very start. "Jeremy, tell me you haven't thought about this too?"

"Carrie, I-"

"I'm serious, Jer." A sharp edge was starting to form in my voice and I had to stop myself from letting it grow any further. "We've both known it from the beginning, it's just never been said."

He was quiet for a while, those bright blue eyes refusing to look away from me. I could tell from that look that he knew I was right, but didn't want to say anything about it. Hell, I didn't want to say anything about it, but it was like a vicegrip on my heart that kept tugging and tugging until I couldn't stand the pain anymore.

"God damnit, say something." My voice had a hint of hysteria to it as I looked over at him helplessly.

"Why did you bring it up now?" He finally said, his voice much more stable than my own. He had his elbows on his knees, propping his chin on his clenched fist. "We were... Fuck, we're happy right now. At least, I am."

"Jeremy, you know I'm happy." I said, barely above a whisper. "I just...I don't want this to end with us hating each other."

My keys made a loud racket as they hit the table near the front door to my apartment. By the time I had changed into a pair of comfortable sweats, the sun had hidden behind the tall buildings surrounding my apartment. The same time as every other night, my phone began to ring with a picture of my mom flashing across the screen.

"Hi mom," I answered, pulling my feet under me as I pulled a blanket over myself and settling into the couch.

"Sweetie, you sound so sad."

My mother always had a way of telling how I was feeling just by the way I spoke, no matter what the distance between us happened to be. "Today was a bad day, mom."

"Well, get yourself comfortable and tell me about it, I'm all ears."

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "It's nothing really, I promise."

She had paused for a few moments, waiting to see if I would cave and actually tell her what had made my day anything less than perfect. "Jeremy called again," She finally said after what was probably minutes of silence. "You know I don't like lying to people, most of all that boy."

"Mom, please." I exhaled, squeezing my eyes shut tightly and trying to push away the oncoming images. "We all knew it was never meant to be-"

"You know I don't believe that for a second," She interrupted sharply. "That boy loved you then, and he loves you now."

"It doesn't matter that we loved each other, the fact of the matter is that we were never going to be able to make it work."

"Carrie, if you love someone, things are always going to work out." Her voice was more gentle, but I still had nothing to respond with. "Go to bed and get some sleep, you'll feel better."

I had only known him for about a year, only been dating him for barely a few months, and yet my mother insisted on me bringing him to the Sunday dinner our family had once a month. I was only a two hour drive away from where I had grown up, but my older brother was a solid five hours away, so we were all grateful for the monthly gatherings.

"You really didn't have to come," I turned to Jeremy as we walked up to the front door of my parents house.

He chuckled and threw an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer and planting a kiss on top of my head. "Afraid they won't like me?"

"Oh no, they'll love you." I answered. "They're just... I mean, I don't want you to think-"

"I'm glad you invited me." He said, the way he looked into my eyes reassured me that he meant it.

"Jeremy's nice," I looked up from where my hands were busy drying off dishes from dinner and out the window to where my father, brother, and Jeremy were all standing on the back porch and looking out to the acres of open land that were behind our house. They were all talking animatedly and seeming to be having a few good laughs.

"Yeah," I answered, shifting my gaze to the table where my mother and my brother's wife were sitting and sipping on come coffee. "He's pretty great."

"He sure has eyes for you," My mother said with a devilish grin on her face, looking away as she took a sip from her mug.

"Mother!" I rolled my eyes, putting away the last of the dishes and leaning against the counter.

"Just calling it as I see it." Her hands were up in defense.

"Bobby and Dad seem to like him too," My brother's wife nodded her head outside as the sound of deep, belly laughter carried into the house.

I took in all that they were saying, knowing it was true because I was seeing it too. What I didn't tell them was the deep, foreboding feeling that I had been feeling for a while now. A feeling that no matter what happened between Jeremy and I, we weren't going to be together forever.

The restaurant itself was dimly lit, with a secondhand singer crooning on and on at the piano on the stage. Jeremy has a much better voice.

I nearly slapped myself at the thought that had passed through my head. Here I was, sitting at the bar next to a guy who was supposed to have all my attention for the time being. Yet, my mind was wandering.

"I never hear about you dating anyone," He lifted the beer bottle in his hand to his mouth and took a swig, looking at me for an answer to the underlying question he had posed.

"I um," I started, having never been asked this question. "I guess I just never really felt up to it."

Liar.

Before I could say anything more, I reached for the mixed drink in front of me and took a fairly decent drink from it, letting the hard liquor give my senses a sudden schock. The guy I was with was a co-worker, he had asked me to go out to drinks numerous times before and I always said no. I couldn't really tell you what possessed me to say yes this time.

You were trying to convince yourself you're over Jeremy.

It was starting to become extremely difficult to concentrate on the conversation with my conscious deciding to put in their two cents every five minutes. There was no ignoring it now that my mind had actually taken the time to think about why I never dated after making the move from Los Angeles to Chicago.

In the past, when a guy tried talking to me at a bar or even poor Tom here who was trying his hardest to keep my attention, I seemed to find something wrong that left me with no interest whatsoever. Now, I had finally come to terms with that something was. These guys were always being compared to someone, and they had no idea.

The familiar SUV pulled to a stop at the curb a few feet from where I was standing, feeling more cliche as the moments passed with a box of miscellaneous items sitting at my feet. Jeremy stepped out of the driver's side of the car, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head as he looked at me with tired eyes.

"I really," He stopped, taking in a deep sigh and rubbing the muscle at the back of his neck. "Really wanted this to work."

"I know you did." My voice was small as I crossed my arms across my chest, a chill spreading over my skin even thought it was a beautiful day in California. "I wanted it too."

"Then why can't we?" His voice was desperate, pleading without getting down on hands and knees. "Honestly Carrie, there's no-"

"Don't start that, Jeremy." I said, softly interrupting him and having to look away as tears began to build up in my eyes. "It's going to hurt to be without you, but at this point it hurts more to be with you."

By now the tears were falling freely. Jeremy reached up, his hands on either side of my face as his thumbs gently wiped under my eyes. The way his eyes looked at me, those same piercing blue eyes that stopped my heart that night I met him, I could tell that he knew and believed what I was saying was true. He pulled my face up to his, pressing his lips against mine, my tears falling onto his cheeks and leaving a salty trail once I pulled myself away.

"Is there anything?" He asked. "Anything at all that I could have, that we could have done?"

"I want you to move forward, Jer." As my hand reached up and wiped under my eyes I took in a shuddering breath. "You deserve that much."

Kleenex littered the floor surrounding where I had made camp on the couch in my living room. I had put in a movie and let it play on repeat for the past few hours. Chills racked my body as the fever came and went over time, my head feeling like it was being crushed under the tire of a semi-truck.

I blindly reached around the floor as I heard my phone ringing, not surprised when the caller ID said it was my mother calling again. "Hello..." I groaned into the phone.

"You sound terrible," She said.

"Thank you." I grumbled, pulling my blanket over my eyes and digging myself deeper into the couch.

She chuckled lightly from her end of the phone, "Well, Jeremy called again yesterday."

"Momma, I don't know why you always tell me about when he calls.-"

A knocking at the door had me struggling to get up, keeping the blanket wrapped around my shoulders as I slowly shuffled towards the door. "I just wanted to tell you on the off chance something happened."

"What do you-" I was stopped mid-sentence by the sight before me as I opened the door. "I'm going to call you back."

Faded jeans hung around his hips, a faded maroon t-shirt under an old leather jacket, hands tucked away in his pockets. He stood before me with a half smile pulled to the side of his face, blue eyes still as bright as ever.

"You're kind of hard to find, you know that?"

I'm sure I was standing there looking like an idiot; stuffy red nose, high school sweats, tissue clutched in my hand - and yet I couldn't find anything to say. "How did you.... When- What?"

"You know, you're mom is not the easiest person to crack." He laughed, taking a few steps into the apartment and shutting the door behind him. His hands slid up and down my blanket covered arms, coming to a resting place on either side of my face like he often did all those years ago. "But I had to find you Carrie, I haven't moved on and I'm not going to. Not until we run this into the ground."

Still in total shock, I could only nod my head in his hands, his smile spreading to the rest of his face as he leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead and wrapping his arms around me.

There was no feeling of apprehension. No warning signs were flashing in the back of my head. Instead, I nestled my head into the crook of his neck and gave myself to someone for the first time in years.