I'll Make You Proud To See Me Overcome All Day Life.

Alex sat down on the grass, toying absentmindedly with some blades of grass. Today was the day he finally gathered the courage to face his worst fear. He was determined to not leave unless he had spilled his heart out to his ex-fiancé. As he sat there not knowing where to start, he couldn't help but shiver slightly at the chilly breeze hitting his T-Shirt-clad chest. It was strangely warm for mid-April, not that Alex complained, he had always loved the warmth of summer, even though summer was months away. He couldn't help but stare at the boy he had lost two months ago, Jack was still as gorgeous as back then. It almost seemed like he had stopped aging at a point, like he was some sort of distant memory that Alex couldn't get rid of no matter how hard he tried. The brown-haired boy risked one last glance at the raven-haired beauty with those gorgeous deep dark orbs he used to get lost in, before inhaling deeply and exhaling shakily. He was fidgeting, desperately trying to find the right words, miserably failing in trying to not cry. He was a mess before he had even started talking, but the look the younger of the two gave him was enough to make him spill.

"You know Jack, there were times when I really thought I could be enough to keep you around. Times when we both were happy and carefree. You said you would never leave me, that you loved me way too much to ever hurt me this way. You promised you wouldn't leave. I can't put in words how much you eventually leaving me has destroyed me. I don't even know why I'm still here, because you were the one thing keeping me alive and while you turned your back on me without thinking twice about it, I kept you in mind, I cared for you nevertheless. And don't go thinking for even one second that you didn't break my heart, because you did, Jack. You did without noticing it, but I'm not gonna blame you for that one, because you had your reasons, am I right? The night you told me that you thought it was for the best if we were through, that I wasn't enough, was basically the night I cried for eight hours straight, did you notice? I bet you didn't, because I still tried to make you feel less guilty about it. I tried to take your own pain away.

I tried to keep you happy, that's everything I always did, since the very first day, because you always seemed to be something special. And I bet you never knew that I self-harmed after our relationship broke off, did you? Because I hinted more than one time that I, in fact, was struggling with these things but you never seemed to catch on that, which I don't blame you for either. I wish I could've talked to you about all my issues, I wish you would have cared but you probably wouldn't have, that's why you left. That's why I never bothered to try and tell you. All those times I was trying to hide my scars and put on my brave face so you didn't have to worry that your boyfriend was a freak. And while everybody thought I was strong and practically invincible, I cried myself to sleep every night which I seem to still do up to this day, because constantly keeping up a fake act is making you just more vulnerable than you already are.

And that's exactly what I am, vulnerable. What's probably the worst is, that I always felt safe around you, that you made me feel whole and okay. You took away every single bad thought and every ounce of my depressed self with a simple smile and I wish that you could've been there to go through all of this pain with me, but instead you left and I don't know who I am anymore. I never felt so alone in my life, I never felt more useless than when you walked out of our apartment that night. Do you remember that night, Jack? Because it keeps haunting me. You probably don't even remember me, so why do I still care? I just wish that you could be here. I wish that you would hold me close one more time.

Do you remember how all of this started, Jack? Because I do, I never forgot. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember how we first met all those years ago. It was our first day at High School, it was my first day at a new school in a foreign country, but you were the first to approach me. You've always been a lot more outgoing than everyone else, but that's one of the things that drew me in from the very moment I heard your voice. I remember how you decided out of the blue that we were best friends, whether I liked it or not. From that day we were inseparable. I remember how you asked me out six months later, you looked cute that day. I remember how cheesy you always were, how often you made me blush. Sometimes when the pain gets to hard to bear, I pull out the box with pictures of us that I keep well-hidden in my socks-drawer and I look at them and remember. Remember what I used to have and how complete I once felt.

We had a wonderful life ahead of us, Jack. We were getting married after being together for six years. After living together for two. I thought you were as happy as I was, I thought I was finally enough. What happened, what made you leave me, Jack? I tried my best to make you happy, I never forgot an anniversary, I used to cook your favorite meals. I would sing to you if you couldn't fall asleep, cuddling you to my chest and showering you in affectionate kisses. I held you in my arms every time you broke down, because your parents weren't accepting of our relationship, still. I was always there to put you back together, to mend your broken heart. But where were you when my heart needed to be mend? Where were you when they told me the news? Where were you when my heart shattered in a million tiny pieces, pieces that I will never be able to put together in a whole. Pieces that I lost, pieces that I threw away, because if I couldn't have you, I never wanted anyone else, ever.

Was it satisfying for you to see people crying over you? Looking down on you lying in a coffin, lifeless, waiting to be buried six feet under? Can you live with yourself wherever you may be with the knowledge that you hurt so many people by leaving? That you destroyed me? Have you ever considered what you committing suicide would bring upon the people around you? Your mother is taking antidepressants, because her baby boy killed himself. Your father blames himself for your death, because he was homophobic, he hasn't left his room since your funeral. And Rian and Zack? They both are just a shell of the heartwarming, nice guys they used to be. Rian blames himself for not noticing what state you were in and Zack stopped eating, because he fell into slight depression.

And me? Well, Jack, I think I'm ready to join you. I'm ready to put an end to this nightmare that I'm living, I'm ready to leave everything behind just to be with you. 'Cause I'm feeling like I might need to be near you to feel alright, but I can't. I can't put them through the things you put us through, I know how much they'll hurt. I stopped living the moment you stopped breathing, since then I'm only existing, not caring what happens to me. You left me broken, you left without saying goodbye. Can you even fathom how horrifying it was to be told that the one you love with everything you have was found in a pool of his own blood, died on impact from jumping off a bridge and hitting the concrete? Do you know what you did to me, Jack?

I miss you, I miss you so much and it gets harder every day. I can still see your smile when I close my eyes, I can still feel your touch on my skin. When it's quiet, do you hear me? Do you still think of me? Because I sure do, Jack. I love you. I never will stop loving you, do you hear me, Jack? You'll always be my only one."

The twenty year old boy sits crying in front of Jack's tombstone for a while, having lost track of time. He wanted to be strong, he promised himself not to cry, but how could he keep his composure when the one he loved so dearly was buried deep down, never coming back? Alex had avoided going to the graveyard, knowing that the pain would be overwhelming, that everything would be just that tiny bit too real. He let the tears fall shamelessly, pulling his knees to his chest and burying his face into his arms. He came to make peace with what happened, but the wounds were way too fresh and more importantly too deep to heal that fast. The blood was still staining his every movement, reminding him of what happened. There was not one minute in the life of Alex Gaskarth that wasn't spent with painful memories and "what if's" now that his loved one had taken his life at such a young age.

Alex was so engrossed in crying that he hadn't noticed Rian sitting down next to him until the bald man wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and wiping away the tears on Alex's cheeks when he was finally looking up at the newcomer. Rian gave Alex's shoulder a gentle squeeze, letting him now that he was proud of him for leaving the safety that was his home and facing his demons. He took a brief glance at his best friend's tombstone before the tears were silently streaming down his face as well. Both of them let out all their bottled-up emotions, reminiscing Jack Barakat as the amazing young man he was before getting up and leaving, biding him farewell for one last time.