I Lost Him, but Gained You

Everything seemed to go into a downward spiral in no time, grabbing everything and everyone as it spins. The faster it spins the more wrapped up I got, grabbing me by the limbs, not letting go. That seemed to go on since the night I found out he left, it all ended when he was pronounced dead, dropping me from nothing to reality.

Here I am now, he’s in his favorite suit, matted blacked with a pink tie. “Real men wear pink.” He used to say to me as we got ready. His hair messy, with strands hanging from all corners. No one dared to touch his hair, even now. In his eyes it was perfection, and what got him all the girls. Still is, and forever will.

The bracelet I made him when I was in third grade still hangs loosely on is wrist. I don’t know why he wore it all this time; the ratty old thing held small little heart shaped beads with his and my initials on it. I surely thought it would embarrass him to be worn around his friends, but he didn’t care. I love him for that, I still do.

I smile at the small tear on the corner of his collar; he said it gave it character. I believed him.
Slowly, I place the small white rose between his hands and take one last look at him. This wasn’t goodbye, he never liked that saying. He preferred see you later, or we’ll meet again. One day we’ll see each other again. One day.

Slowly, the casket closes. The shiny wooden frame glistens under the sun as it descends into the black hole. My mother grasps my arm for support. Her petite body quivers against mine, quiet sniffles sound from beside me. Dad strokes her arm, his eyes puffy holding in his own tears. My little sister stands behind him, her small figure peeks from behind. She didn’t understand, even if she did, not enough to make such a great impact. She didn’t know him like I did, no one did. No one will.
Guys in fancy suits start to shovel dirt over the hole, the sobs became louder. I stand there looking up into the sky…that was where he is now. Surely looking down at us, a sly smile sprawled across his face.

I look back at the covered hole, now as one whole piece of surface. Covered with square cut out grass, he’s really gone now.

I feel a tug on my arm, I turn and my mom pulls me into a hug. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I know,” I say into her ear, Dad comes over with Kenna in his grasp and joins us.

“I think we should head back inside and thank everyone who came out today.” Dad says laying a hand on Mom’s shoulder. She pulls away nodding, blotting her face with a napkin.

“You’re right,” she grabs my sister’s hand and locks her other with Dad’s. “Are you coming, Grace?”

I shake my head, offering her a smile. “I think I’ll stay a little longer, you guys go ahead.”

She nods her head and starts back to the hall. “Alright sweetie, don’t stay out too long, it’s getting chilly.”

She walks off with Dad and Kenna; I look down and take a seat on the grass. Kicking off my heels, I lean over running my hand over his tomb stone. I feel the rough engravings on the stone, his name spelled out on the gray surface.

“You’re really gone, huh?” I say reading the date. “It seemed like it was just yesterday you were tossing me around and singing me to sleep. Who knew it could all be over in twenty four hours. You really shocked me, you’re a fighter Matt. I really thought you’d fight, I really did…we all did.” My voice of torn but no tears dared to escape. “I guess you gave up. But that doesn’t seem to matter, everything’s said and done.”

I start to play around with the grass, letting every strand play with my fingertips. The sun was starting to set as the wind grew stronger. I gently lay my head against the cold marble, feeling the surface against my face.

“I’m going to miss you…I am missing you. So are Mom and Dad. Mom’s taking it the hardest out of all of us, she might be putting up a font but she’s hurting inside. Kenna doesn’t really understand yet, she knows you’re gone but, doesn’t fully understand. It’s not like we’re not telling her, we’re just protecting her. She’ll understand when she’s older.” I look up at the clear night sky. “I know you’re somewhere up there right now, causing trouble like always. Just not too much now, that’s how we got here in the first place.” I smile thinking back to the times when he’d do something stupid and I’d always cover for him. “I should get going now, I’ll come back tomorrow” I get up slightly and kiss the stone. “I love you Matty Poo, and sweet dreams.”

This wasn’t goodbye, tomorrow is another day.