So Long and Goodnight...

You sat in the sand, curled into a tight ball, listening to the waves lap lazily at your bare feet... trying desperately to disappear.

How could you have been so stupid?

Of course he was dating that bitch again.

Why else would he be so happy and dazed?

You wanted to kick yourself in the face.

"What a fucking dumb ass, Helena," you scolded yourself. "How the hell did you manage to trick yourself into thinking you actually had a chance with him? If I would've just fucking told him earlier..." you yelled, throwing a handful of sand into the ocean.

The tears streamed down your face in a torrent and you couldn't have stopped them even if you'd wanted to.

You cradled your head in your hands and wept, wishing you could be somebody else.

Careless, reckless, bold, alive, ...free.

...Like the horses.

Two years ago, your mother, your sister, and you had spent a month on your uncle’s ranch in Montana.

It was beautiful.

Wide-open meadows, endlessly blue skies, sparkling valleys, and the stars at night were unlike anything you'd ever seen before.

Breathtaking.

The best part was that everyday, close to sunset, the four of you would ride up to the ridge that overlooked the valley behind your uncles property and watch the wild horses.

You'd always loved horses (they were your favorite animal) but you'd never seen them in the wild.

They were so gorgeous.

Majestic and powerful ...but at the same time so relaxed and carefree.

You sat atop Star; your favorite of all your uncles horses, (the one he had let you name and that he always reserved especially for you and never let anyone else ride) as you watched them play and roll in the dirt.

Then, just before sunset, they sped off toward home, their manes flowing like silken veils behind them.

The images from that trip stayed with you for a long time.

Even now, hundreds of miles away in Jersey, you could feel the wind in your hair, smell the crisp, clean air, and see the beautiful wild horses nipping playfully at each others ears and kicking the air as they tossed their heads back in laughter, enjoying every second as if it were their last.

You wished so much that you could be like them...

You had been bottling so much up for such a long time (the death of your beloved mother and sister, the countless beatings that you had now come to expect, dealing with your step-mother night after dreadful night, high school drama, your feelings for Gerard, the overwhelming need to be free from all of it...)

Without even being fully aware of it, all those feelings came pouring out in the form of a song.

You'd written plenty of poetry before ...but never a song.

You weren't really sure where it was going.

You just closed your eyes and let the words and tears pour out into the night.

"I feel these four walls closing in.
Face up against the glass,
I'm looking out.
Is this my life, I'm wondering?
It happened so fast.
How do I turn this thing around?

Is this the bed I chose to make?
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about.
Wide-open spaces far away…

All I want is the wind in my hair,
To face the fear but not feel scared.

Wild horses, I wanna be like you.
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too.
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to.
I wanna run with the wild horses,
Run with the wild horses, oh.

I see the girl I wanna be,
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore.
If only that someone was me,
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought.
To act and damn the consequence!
How I wish it could be that easy.
But fear surrounds me like a fence.
I wanna break free!

All I want is the wind in my hair,
To face the fear, but not feel scared.

Wild horses, I wanna be like you.
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too.
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to.
I wanna run with the wild horses,
Run with the wild horses, oh.

I wanna run too…"

By this time you were standing up, facing the waves, singing at the top of your lungs... but as the last line of the next part came to you, you fell to your knees in the sand, the volume of your voice dropping as well.

"Recklessly emboundening myself before you,
I wanna open up my heart...
Tell him how I feel..."

You curled back into your ball and continued on, your voice, choking with emotion and barely above a whisper as it was carried away by the wind that had started to pick up again.

And still... the tears flowed freely.

"Wild horses I wanna be like you.
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too.
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to.
I wanna run with the wild horses,
Run with the wild horses,
Run with the wild horses..."

With no more left to sing, you stretched your bare feet out into the reach of the waves crashing onto the shore with more force now (due to the wind that was now whipping your hair around your face) and laid on your back to stare up at the once beautiful stars that now only looked cold and empty to you.

You were startled by a voice from somewhere behind you.

You sat up, turning to see who it was... even though you already knew.

You made no effort to hide the rivers of tears running down both sides of your face.

"That was the most fucking beautiful thing I've ever heard in my entire life," Frank said, stepping out from behind a row of trees.

You turned away, embarrassed.

"Yeah, well... no one was really supposed to hear it."

"I'm glad I did."

He sat next to you, pulled out a cigarette and offered you one.

You took it gratefully.

He lit them both, shielding the flame from the vicious wind and took a long drag before letting his gaze shift to the invisible horizon somewhere out where the sky and ocean melted seamlessly into one another.

A minute of silence quickly came and went, then another and finally, he spoke to you again, his eyes still fixed on his invisible dot in the sky.

"So... judging by your song and those tears that I know aren't there because you're just bursting with happiness (as I was expecting)... I think I'm willing to go out on a limb here and guess that things didn't go exactly as planned with Gee."

"Not exactly," you mumbled dryly, staring out into the ocean which once filled you with peace and serenity but now looked as deep and black as death itself.

"What happened?"

Franks eyes were now on you and he looked calmly concerned... but you knew better.

As soon as you told him what had really happened, there would be hell to pay... for Gerard... and you were reluctant to sentence him to that punishment so willingly.

You fell into a deep silence, waiting for the strength to answer Franks question.

He knew you, perhaps, better than anyone and he knew that you would answer when you were ready.

He was blessed with patience and understanding in most situations and everyone knew they could count on him to take their secrets to his grave.

He was your guardian angel, your brother... and you loved him with the same binding intensity that you had for your sister.

You kept waiting, convinced and praying that any second now, Gerard would jump out and shout "JUST KIDDING" and then the three of you could have a good laugh... but it soon became clear that... that wasn't going to happen.

So you braced yourself for more emotional warfare... and told Frank the news.

"He's... he's dating... Alexa again."

You curled yet again into your protective ball, knowing already what Frankie's reaction would be.

"What!?" he shouted, whipping his head toward you. "Please tell me you're fucking kidding!"

You trembled with emotion and bit your lip until you tasted blood, willing yourself to not cry but you knew that the tears would keep coming even as you answered Frank.

"No," you sobbed, your voice muffled by your knees. "I'm not."

"SON OF A BITCH!" Frank yelled, jumping up and kicking the sand at his feet. "I'm gonna KILL them both, I swear to GOD! How the HELL could he go back to her after what she did to him before?! FUCK! He almost KILLED himself because of that whore and now he wants her back?! What the fuck is wrong with him?!"

After a few minutes of pacing the beach he had calmed down enough to address you again.

He sighed and looked at you, sadly, knowing the answer to his question before he even asked it.

"You didn't get a chance to tell him anything then, did you?"

You tried and failed to fight back the pain as you fully realized that you would NEVER be able to tell him now.

In response to Frank's question, you shook your head as you burst into uncontrollable sobs that shook your entire body.

"Come here, sweetie," Frank whispered, pulling you to your feet and into his arms.

After a long while, you had finally run out of tears to cry and for a moment you were granted sweet release from the sobs that had racked your whole body.

You and Frank stood side by side, neither of you saying a word but instead watching the waves crash onto the shore in front of you right before the icy, white foam washed swiftly over your feet, feeling the treacherous pull of the water, beckoning you into it's endless, black depths.

It felt so inviting...

Your sides and throat burned with the effort of sobbing as hard as you had and you knew that by tomorrow it would be ten times worse.

Tomorrow...

You had to go home tomorrow.

With any luck, your father would've gotten trashed over the weekend and forgotten all about your little "jail break" ...but you weren't going to hold your breath.

He always remembered things like that.

Waking up in the morning and facing your father was like playing Russian roulette.

Every breath and step you took, every move you made, was the equivalent of pulling the trigger.

So far you'd been lucky (if you could call barely surviving "luck") but you knew that very soon, your "luck" would run out.

One day, you would pull that imaginary trigger and your time would be up.

BANG!

Game over.