So Long and Goodnight...

“Alexa?” you questioned after turning around to see her standing at the foot of your driveway looking a bit concerned. “What the fuck do you want?” you spat.

“Come on. Don’t be like this, Lane. I just wanna talk.”

“Fuck you! I have no reason to talk to you! I have NOTHING to say to you after what you fucking did to him and DON’T call me Lane. Only my friends call me that, you fucking whore.”

“Helena, you can yell at me all you want. I know what I did to him was wrong and I really do regret it.”

“You didn’t even come to the hospital.” You were crying now. “He was dying and you didn’t come. What kind of person does that?!”

“A really fucked up one. And I was fucked up then. When Mikey called me …I was shocked and a little scared but I tried to act like it didn’t bother me because everyone said he wasn’t like me. He was poor and punk and wasn’t going to go anywhere with his life.”

Was she seriously saying this right now?!

“That’s just what everyone else said!,” She clarified quickly, noticing that your fists were clenched at your sides. “I never thought that I loved him and I still do.”

You felt sick.

“Helena, I was playing to everyone else’s views, not my own. I was wrong. I told him the same thing. I told him everything …and he forgave me. He said that he still loved me too.”

You had to swallow hard to keep from throwing up.

“Well good for you!” you spat sarcastically. “You want me to throw a fucking parade in your honor or what? Why the FUCK are you here? Did you just come to rub it in my face? What? You got him before me AGAIN? Yeah, I know! Thanks for that! You can LEAVE NOW!”

“Helena, that’s not why I came?”

“Then why!? Just fucking tell me why.”

“I came to talk to you. Not about Gerard but about us.”

“Us? There is no us anymore, Alexa.”

“That’s exactly why I came here. I miss my best friend, my sister …I miss you Laney.”

Alexa was the only one that had ever called you Laney. It had started when you were little girls and “Helena” was just to hard to pronounce so she called you Laney …and it had stuck throughout your friendship.

Hearing that name now flooded you with so many memories and though you fought to keep your anger your, edges had softened a bit. Apparently it was a noticeable change because Alexa felt safe taking a few small steps toward you.

“Can we walk?” She asked sweetly.

“I don’t have time.” You said sounding much less angry than you had intended. “I have to go.”

“Just a quick walk. You’re less violent when you’re in motion.”

You fucking hated yourself for it …but you had to laugh a little. Like it or not, you had still been friends with this girl since like preschool. She knew you way too well. And she was right. Whenever you were mad or stressed, you would go for a walk and be totally at peace when you finished.

You sighed angrily.

“Fine. Ten minutes. That’s IT and then I’m GONE, understand?”

“Perfectly.”

You closed the car door, not even bothering to lock it this time. What was the point? You took a few steps in Alexa’s direction and then stopped, remembering something.

“Wait,” you said to Alexa who had started walking slowly so you could catch up but now stopped and turned back around to face you.

“What?” Did her sweetness sound guarded just now or was it just you?

You decided it was just your imagination and continued.

“Weren’t you, Gerard, and Mikey supposed to be watching a movie right now?”

“I told them I wasn’t feeling well.”

“So you lied to them?” Typical. Wasn’t she just talking about how she’d “changed”?

“Helena, would you relax? I thought about it and realized this was way more important to me than a movie. I knew your dad wasn’t home because Gerard told me why you had to get back home so quick without coming in to say hello to me and Mikey so I figured it was a good time to talk to you. Besides it was a really gross, gory, horror movie and anyway I’m glad I did decide to come now. It’s obvious I wouldn’t have had the chance otherwise.” She gestured to the car behind you. “And Helena, don’t worry about it. We have movie nights all the time.”

Was she trying to rub it in your face or just stating fact? …You couldn’t tell.

“Come on,” she said, beckoning you. “Let’s walk.”

“Yeah, ok,” you said, giving in and following her into the street where you always walked instead of sidewalks.

As she immersed you in conversation and good times from the past, you didn’t even notice the shadowy figure of a man creeping toward your sister’s car, the sounds of gravel crunching beneath his feet masked by the frequent roar of thunder closing in on the town.

______________________________________________________________________________________

You didn’t know exactly what time it was. Just that it was late. Your ten-minute walk with Alexa had been more like twenty minutes and arriving at the foot of your driveway, you were extremely surprised (but thankful) to see that your dad wasn’t home yet. Maybe fate was finally calling the shots in your favor.

The storm was close now. Really close. The wind had picked up a lot and was now blowing leaves off of trees and whipping your hair and Alexa’s around your faces. As you turned to face her, you felt a few raindrops hit your face and arms. The thunder, which cracked the silence violently now instead of rolling easily across the sky, and lightning that streaked down from the sky like demonic hands harvesting the souls of the innocent were near constant so you and Alexa had to yell to be heard over the chaos.

“So you’re really leaving?” Alexa questioned, meeting your eyes.

“Yeah. I’m leaving.”

“Well …good. I mean …it’s for the best you know? Your dad …” She looked around as if fearful he would pop out of a bush or something. “He’s fucking crazy and it’s best if you just get as far away from him as possible.” She paused and gazed at the ground. “It sucks though. We wasted so many years hating each other and now that we’re actually talking about things …you’re leaving.”

You hesitated …not sure you wanted to say the words in your head. A part of you still wanted to rip her throat out and free Gerard from whatever hurt she might deal him. But that part of you was arguing with your five year old self who, despite all the bad blood, looked at Alexa and only saw a friend to share cookies and milk with at snack time, to share blankets with during nap time, to play Barbie’s with when it was play time, and when you got older …a person to share every secret of your life with in complete and utter confidence …another half of you.

“Yeah that does suck but …who knows? I mean …maybe …I’ll come back some day.”

“I hope so.”

“So …this is goodbye then, yeah?”

“…Looks like it,” she whispered and you were surprised to see that her eyes were moist with tears. “I’ll um …you know …miss you.”

You sighed. God this was weird. “Yeah I’ll …miss you to, Lex Luther.” You finished with a laugh. That’s what you’d started calling her a few tears ago when she stole Gerard from you and especially when she broke his heart.

“I deserve that,” She said smiling.

“Well as long as you agree.”

You met her eyes and held her gaze for half a minute and you were only half stunned when she stepped forward and hugged you. You hugged her back but still felt kind of weird about it. You’d hated her for so long and now you were hugging her. Talk about a change of heart.

When the hug broke you looked at her again, deadly serious.

“Just don’t ever …hurt him again, ok?” There was a subtle venomous tone in your voice that Alexa caught on to right away and she nodded in understanding.

“I won’t” She promised.

You exchanged a half friendly, half challenging stare before you turned away from her, got into your sister’s car and started the engine. You rolled down the window and addressed her again.

“And Alexa?”

“Yeah?”

You blinked the sudden tears from yours eyes as you said your final words: “Take care of him for me, ok? Just promise you’ll take good care of him.”

“I will Lane,” she promised as a tear fell from her eye. “I promise.”

You nodded and turned up the radio. The beginning of F.O.D. (Fuck Off and Die) by Green Day filled your ears and you turned it up about as loud as it would go, wishing that the guys were there to rock out with you. They LOVED Green Day and so did you.

Instead of singing you were trying to keep from crying as you backed out of the driveway and waved goodbye to Alexa but you listened to the song as it played. For some odd reason …as the lyrics poured out …you kept thinking of Alexa and how perfect this song was in describing how you felt about her. You squinted your eyes in thought.

‘You mean before tonight when she talked to you and made everything better …right?’ You’re mind asked you.

You didn’t have an answer for it. Why did you still feel such hate for her? It was big of her to come to you like that.

You shrugged it off as you turned onto the main road and continued listening to the song as you distanced yourself, second by second, from the life and the people you had held so dear.

“Something's on my mind.
It's been for quite some time.
This time I'm on to you.
So where's the other face?
The face I heard before?
Your head-trip's boring me.

Let's nuke the bridge we torched
2,000 times before.
This time we'll blast it all to hell.
I've had this burning in my guts now
for so long.
My belly's aching now to say…

Stuck down in a rut of dislogic and smut,
A side of you well hid.
When it's all said and done,
it's real and it's been fun.
But was it all REAL fun?

Let's nuke the bridge we torched
2,000 times before.
This time we'll blast it all to hell.
I've felt this burning in my guts now
for so long.
My belly's aching now to say…

to say...”

By now you were calm enough to sing. And besides …this was your favorite part of the song. And so what if such a mean song reminded you of Alexa? You were allowed to hold a little grudge for what she did and in her defense you expanded the message of the song to include your father …and you belted it.

You're just... a FUCK!
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm take…ing pride
in telling you to FUCK OFF AND DIE!.

I've had this burning in my guts now
for so long.
My belly's aching now to say
I'm taking pleasure in the doubts
I've passed to you.
So listen up as you bite thisssss...

You're just... a fuck!
I can't explain it 'cause I think you suck.
I'm take…ing pride
in telling you to fuck off and die!

Goood niiiiiiiiight....”

You snapped off the radio as the DJ’s voice blasted from the speakers to drive on in silence.

The rain was pouring down now and you were driving into the very worst part of the storm. It was really bad and you were kind of scared. Your windshield wipers were going crazy and you could barely see five feet in front of you but you still felt ok to drive the normal speed. You’d driven this road plenty of times before when your sister was teaching you how to drive. It was a piece of cake.

You knew that it would slope downhill in a few feet and that at the end of the slope there was a bit of a sharp turn that avoided a pretty nasty cliff which hung over the lake that this road skirted.

You tapped the brakes and the car responded …but barely. You were going downhill now and the road was so slippery that you were sliding a bit so you did what every driving instructor tells you NOT to do when you’re sliding on ice or hydroplaning …you slammed on the brakes and to your surprise …they gave out all together.

Now you were rocketing towards a fifty foot drop into deep, deep water with no way to stop yourself.

No brakes.

The first thought that popped into your head was: ‘Dad?’

But then you had a thought that baffled you and you couldn’t think why it had popped into your head …but you soon understood all too well.

Cold fingers of terror gripped at your heart as you fought to take control of the car once more …but to no gain.

You looked down and saw that Charlie’s envelope had slipped out from under the seat. You quickly snatched it up hoping it would give you some form of comfort before you died.

You knew you would. It would be terrible too.

You would crash through the already weak and worn out guardrail at the end of the straightaway, plunge into the cold water below, causing the glass around you to burst in on you, probably cutting you multiple times, water would rush in before you had time to catch a full breath …and you would drown, feeling the horrible pain that comes with oxygen deprivation due to drowning. People that had been saved from drowning said that at the worst point, it felt as if their lungs were exploding and it hurt like hell. Frankie’s worst fear was drowning …and now you knew why. It was a terrible way to go, being totally conscious of your own death as it was happening and not being able to save yourself.

You braced yourself and then let go of everything. You were no longer in control of yourself. You just let whatever was going to happen …happen.

You cried out as the car smashed through the guardrail and plummeted fifty feet straight down into the black water below. A terrible darkness pushed itself in around you and you couldn’t breathe. Thankfully …you blacked out and fell into unconsciousness before you had the chance to suffer any of the intense pain you knew would come.

And then …you died.