So Long and Goodnight...

Frank’s P.O.V.

I stood by Mikey gazing down at the tombstone that bore Helena’s name but did not guard her body. The rest of our group had left and now it was just he and I.

“Can you believe it’s been four years,” he asked me numbly, breaking the silence.

“It feels like she was here just yesterday,” I replied.

Silence claimed the night again and we stood side by side, not saying a word.

It was unusually cold for the time of year and I could smell rain on the horizon. ‘This is exactly how it was on the night she died,’ I thought to myself and shivered involuntarily.

“Cold?” Mikey asked just for conversations sake.

“No,” I mumbled. “Just thinking.”

“Oh…”

I sighed and broke my stare from the cold marble slab that stood at my feet and looked at Mikey.

“Ready to go home?”

He looked at me with vacant eyes. He wasn’t the same person he was four years ago. He had lost almost all of his boyish innocence, his fun-loving attitude, his ability to make people laugh at the drop of a hat …it was all gone. Only a shadow remained.

He returned his gaze to the cold earth that guarded Helena’s empty coffin.

“You go ahead,” he replied. “I’ll be along in a minute.”

“Mikey, are you sure,” I asked with concern. “It’s late and this is Jersey.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just go,” he said with more force than he had intended.

I just nodded and made my way out of the cemetery and towards the apartment that Mikey and I shared. I thought about waiting for him outside the gates but he seemed like he really needed to be alone and it was only a few blocks to the apartment. He would be fine. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and set off down the street. I watched my shadow loom before me and then dissolve into nothing as I passed in and out of pools of light from the street lamps above.

I started thinking about the band. We were an actual band now. Nothing really big but we got some pretty good gigs at clubs and festivals and things of that type. We were gaining quite a local fan base and Gerard was talking about making some demos that we could put on the Internet and maybe get someone’s attention.

Gerard. I didn’t know what to think about him. When he was dealing with band business and on the rare occasions we could drag him out of his hole to come hang out with us, he seemed completely in control of himself. He looked like he was coping well with what had happened. But there were times when he seemed so distant, so broken and I knew that he drank far more than any one person should. He drank to forget… I worried about him more often than I tried to convince myself he was ok. It had been four years but he was still hurting just the same. I hated to see him like that.

Him and Alexa were still together. The guys and I still didn’t like her. She was still the controlling, stuck up, rich girl that she had been in high school and she treated Gerard like shit most of the time. We had no idea why he wouldn’t leave her but he never wanted to talk about it so we just let it go. Alexa kept asking him when they were going to get married and Gerard always told her he would ask her eventually and stalk out of the room. We hoped that he was just bluffing …for his sake.

I looked up and discovered that I was home. I bounded up the concrete steps, pulling my keys out of my pocket as I went. I let myself into the main hall of the apartment, went up the flight of stairs to my left, and stopped in front of the door to the left at the end of the hall. I unlocked the door, stepped inside, and closed it behind me, making sure to lock up again. Mikey had his own set of keys and besides I would be here to let him in when he got back.

I flopped down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and started flipping through the channels but nothing caught my eye so I flipped it back off and folded my arms over my chest.

“I should go to bed,” I said to the empty apartment. “I have band practice in the morning …but I’m not tired.”

I glanced to my left and saw the book that I had just started reading laying on the table. I picked it up and gently traced the wording with the tips of my fingers. It was Lord Of The Rings, the complete edition with maps of Middle Earth, the characters family trees, diagrams of ancient runes, an Elven dictionary, backgrounds and information on elves and hobbits and dwarves …everything you could imagine and some things you couldn’t. Helena had gotten it for me for my 16th birthday. I’d never gotten around to reading it …until a few weeks ago.

I flipped to the page I had stopped reading at and plucked the bookmark out of the crease between the pages. It was the note that Helena had left me on the night she went missing. I moved the book aside, gently resting it face down and open to my page so I wouldn’t lose my spot. I turned the note over in my hands a few times debating whether or not I should read it. Then I unfolded it and smoothed it against my lap. The writing was faded and the paper was thin and battered from four years of being folded and unfolded, moved from place to place …and soaked in tears …but I didn’t need to look at the paper to see what it said. I had it memorized.

Frank,
I don’t want any of you to think this is easy for me, just packing up and walking out of your lives like this. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But it’s the only thing I can do. I’m so sorry that it has to be this way but it won’t be forever. I’ll come back for you, all of you. Even if I have to crawl to the ends of the earth, I’ll be with my beautiful boys again. And you are beautiful. Every single one of you. Inside and out.
Frank I can never thank you enough for being the person that you are. You’re my angel, my light. You were there to talk to me when I felt so alone and confused and frustrated about Gerard and about my mom and sister. I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without you. I always felt like there was nothing I couldn’t tell you and I still haven’t found one thing that you didn’t totally understand or one ledge that you couldn’t talk me down from. I love you so much, Franklin. Thank you for lending me your shoulder when I couldn’t walk on my own and being my voice when I couldn’t speak. You have wings of gold. Don’t ever lose them. I’ll miss you so much. But I swear I’ll see you again someday. And I’ll write you everyday.
All my love,
Helena

I folded the note back up, not even bothering to wipe the tears off my face, and stuck it back into the book before closing it gently and laying it back on the end table where I had left it last time.

Taking a deep breath and trying to steady my nerves, I glanced at the clock above the tv. I had left Mikey about fifteen minutes ago. Shouldn’t he have been home by now? As in response to my question, a loud clap of thunder split the silence and I jumped out of my seat.

‘What the fuck was I thinking leaving him alone?’ I thought angrily. ‘Helena never would’ve done something like that. I have to go find him.’

I grabbed my jacket and stepped back out into the hall not even caring if the door was locked or not. Just as I got to the bottom of the stairs and was about to open the main door, Mikey stepped through it, soaking wet.

His eyes were red and swollen so I knew that he’d been crying pretty hard and he looked cold and miserable.

“Mikey,” I whispered, extremely concerned for him.

He took one look at me and burst into tears. I caught him just before he collapsed on the ground and let him lean on me as he cried.

“Mikey, it’s ok,” I tried to soothe him. “It’s gonna be ok.”

“No it’s not, Frank!” He yelled, pushing away from me. “It’s never gonna fucking be ok! She’s gone! She’s fucking gone.”

He started to sob again and I tried to calm him but he turned away from me so I stepped back and took a seat on the bottom stair waiting for him to get through this on his own.

When he had calmed down a bit but was still crying, he turned back to me.

“I just …miss her so much, Frank.”

“I know, Mikey,” I whispered. “I miss her too.”

Mikey’s P.O.V.

I turned and watched Frank walk away from me and out of the cemetery. Maybe I had been a little harsh. I was just upset and I wanted to be alone. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

Four years later and the wound was still fresh. I wondered silently if it would ever heal but I knew that it never would. I sat with my legs crossed at the foot of her grave, my face lit by the eerie glow of the solar footpath lights that were scattered throughout the graveyard.

I closed my eyes and was instantly flooded by old memories of Helena, each one more painful and heart wrenching than the last. I didn’t want to but I had to read the note. I reached into my pocket and quickly unfolded it as if it were a drug that I desperately needed to numb my senses and calm my nerves. I read with tears blurring my eyes.

Milky Way,
It hurts me to say goodbye to you more than you will ever know. Sure, you gave me a hard time whenever you got a chance and you made me want to beat you into a pulp more times than I can count …but I know that you were just being Mikey, the fun-loving, caring, amazing human being that you are and always have been. I hope that you never lose that. You showed me how to laugh when all I wanted to do was disappear. You made me realize that nothing is ever as bad as we make it out to be. You chose to never be a victim of anything and through example, you taught me how to be strong and fight for myself. Not even asthma could keep you down. You’ve always risen to every challenge that’s ever confronted you. You’ll never know how much I admire you for that. I’m so proud of who you are, Mikey. Promise me you’ll always be the same as you are now. I love you so much, little brother. Take care of Gerard for me. And Brooke …don’t let her get away from you. You’ll never meet another person like her. I’ll write you soon. Sweet dreams, my Mikey bear.
With Love,
Helena

I folded up the note and angrily shoved it back into my coat pocket. I wasn’t angry with Helena. I could never be angry with her. I was angry with myself for going against her wishes. She told me to never change who I was, to never lose my sense of humor, the child in me. But I had done exactly that. The old Mikey was gone. I had let him die. The pain and the emptiness had completely suffocated me until all that was left was a broken reflection of the person I once was. How could I betray her like that? I had to admit that I wasn’t even very friendly anymore. I snapped at everyone and had a dangerously short fuse. I had never been one to be angry when I was younger but now …even Frank, Bob, and Ray had started picking their words carefully around me. I never wanted to be that person but now …I was …and I hated myself for it.

Helena was right about Brooke though. She was always there for me and she would listen, she understood everything and even when I started being a complete bastard to everyone around me, she stood her ground and she never let me push her away. We were still together now and I thought about pulling my cell phone out and calling her but it was so late. She was probably asleep. I didn’t want to disturb her. So I buried my face in my hands and cried for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was only a few minuets.

I considered Frank and how worried he must be about me so I got up, said goodbye to my friend, and started on my way home. I was about halfway there when the sky opened up and rain began to pour down on me. I didn’t care. I barely even felt it. Besides, it helped to hide the tears that still trickled down my face.

I got to the apartment building, stepped through the door and saw Frank standing there with his jacket in hand and a worried expression on his face. Evidently he had been pretty worried about me.

I don’t know what it was …maybe it was being faced with the proof that my friends did still care about me even after the way I had been to them …maybe it was the pain that I saw in Frank’s eyes that let me know he had been thinking of Helena too …I think it was a little bit of both …but I just started sobbing and I couldn’t stop.

Frank was trying to soothe me and help me calm down but (typical Mikey) I pushed him away like I had tried to do with everyone else. I could see from the look in his eyes that I had hurt his feelings but it was too late to take it back. I couldn’t take anything back even though I desperately wanted to.

When I finally calmed down a little, I turned back to Frank.

“I just …miss her so much, Frank,” I said between uneasy breaths

“I know, Mikey,” he whispered. “I miss her too.”

I let him put an arm around me and help me upstairs and to my room. We said goodnight to each other and he left me alone as I closed my bedroom door. I heard him go into his own room as I threw myself onto my bed and cried myself to sleep like so many nights before.