So Long and Goodnight...

Gerard’s P.O.V.

I sat alone on the worn leather couch, trying to collect my thoughts but it was far from quiet. The muffled sounds of music pounding from stage mounted speakers and restless teens screaming above it for my friends and I floated through the closed door to our dressing room. We were in Los Angeles promoting the release of our very first CD, ’I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love’. It was painfully obvious to everyone who I had been thinking of when the name for the CD came to me …except Alexa. She thought I had named it for her. I didn’t care enough to tell her the truth. A lot had happened in one very short year …but it had all felt like a millennium to me.

I wanted a beer so bad …maybe some pills, some coke. Anything I could get my hands on. But I had been sober for about three months now. Mikey had come to me one day after we had put some hours in at the studio …and I had screwed up on almost every song we tried …he told me to choose my family (the band included) or the drugs and alcohol. Bob, Frank, and Ray said nothing, just stood staring at the ground, afraid of what I would say. It didn’t take me long to choose my friends and my brother but putting that stuff down was the hardest thing I had ever had to do …aside from letting Helena slip through my fingers.

A nauseating wave pain came over me and I felt like I was going to be sick. I resisted the urge to go hunting for some relief in whatever form I could get it.. It wouldn’t be too hard to find in this place. Instead I put a shaky hand to my forehead and willed myself to ‘think happy thoughts’ as I had written in a recent song …things not related to her …but no matter what I did, I could only picture her face the very last night I had talked to her. I should’ve known what she was planning to do. The sadness in her eyes should’ve given it away. For five long years, her voice had filled my ears, and her face had haunted my sleep. I could’ve stopped her. I could’ve saved her …but I was too stupid to see what was right there in front of me.

I swallowed hard against the lump in the back of my throat but it did no good. The tears spilled out anyway. Tonight marked the fifth year since the very last time I had seen Helena’s face. I hated myself for being here and not in Jersey with my parents and Autumn and Ravens parents, standing by her grave, paying my respects to her like every other year before. I felt like I was betraying her. White-hot knifes of pain ripped in to my heart and I doubled over with a pain no less real than if someone had actually just stabbed me.

I reached into my pocket and closed my hand around the only thing that could ever hurt me so much more than it helped me but still provide me with at least some form of release from the pain ...as small as the release was.

It wasn’t a pill bottle.

It wasn’t a flask.

It was a piece of paper.

A piece of fucking paper with words scrawled onto it, now faded and torn by age …but it was all I had left of the most important person that had ever been a part of my life.

With shaking hands and rapidly blurring vision, I unfolded the note in my hands and read the words that for five years had kept me going and dragged me down at the same time.

Gee,
This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written in my entire life. I just sat here and wrote nine others and I haven’t cried yet but …I’m going to cry now. This isn’t going to be easy for me at all but it has to be done so …here I go.
There are so many things that I want to say to you, that I’ve tried to tell you to your face. I never planned to say them in a letter but …it’s the only choice I have left.
God, I know this is going to come out wrong no matter how I say it so I’m sorry in advance but …I think you deserve to know. I can’t leave with this hanging over my head.
Gerard, …ever since we were young and played cops and robbers in your backyard and shared milk and cookies at snack time …I have been completely and inexplicably …in love with you.
There. I finally said it. That’s my big secret. That’s what I’ve been afraid to tell you for so long. …It’s funny how it seems like such an easy thing to say now that I’ve blown all my chances…
You have always been my white knight. I tried so many times to tell you but it never ended right. I either lost my nerve or timed it wrong or …got to you too late.
In the park, beneath the stars after that concert …God, it couldn’t have been more perfect and Gerard I wanted to tell you so bad and I would’ve …but that was before you told me you were back with Alexa.
Alexa. The one who ruined you. She broke you. She never showed up at the hospital the night you almost killed yourself over her. She never even called or asked anyone how you were. But I was there with you the whole time. I know it sounds like I’m mad at you but I swear I’m not. I could never be. I just don’t understand …how she can beat me every time.
This whole time you thought that we were actually best friends? That was just a show. The night she broke your heart, she became my very worst enemy. I don’t blame you though, for liking her best. Everyone does. She’s beautiful and smart. I can’t deny the facts. My own father always liked her more than he liked me.
I hope you can understand why I have to leave. This is, in no way, your fault. Don’t ever let yourself think that. You did nothing wrong. It’s not about that.
I just can’t let my father do to me, what he did to my mom and sister. I won’t let him. I have to get out.
But I want you to know above all things that I love you more than life itself. Without you I would not be here today and I can’t stress that enough. You are my life. I will always love you no matter how many miles are between us and I will see you again someday. I promise.
You’re so much more than you give yourself credit for. You’re going to go somewhere. You’re going to be somebody. I can feel it. Don’t ever let anything or anyone hold you back from what you’re meant to be. And no matter what happens, promise me that you’ll never change who you are. Don’t ever let anyone take away the things that made me fall in love with you.
I love you, Gerard Arthur Way …more than you could ever possibly understand.
All my love, forever,
Lana♥

I returned the note to my pocket and buried my face in my hands as the sobs wracked my body. The emptiness, the betrayal, the guilt that I felt in every inch of my soul for Helena was a very real physical pain to me and the only thing that had ever dulled it at all were pills and alcohol. I wanted them so fucking bad right now.

‘But I can’t let them down: my friends, my family, my baby brother, …Alexa,’ I added almost as an after thought and almost laughed out loud.

Like she gave a fuck about me. She would’ve left me a long time ago if My Chem hadn’t been discovered and started pulling in some pretty good money as fast as it did. I knew she was using me and I was positive that she was cheating on me with more than one guy. It hurt at first but …I just stopped looking for answers. It was easier to look the other way and pretend that I was happy. After all …we were engaged now. She was going to be …my wife.

I felt a wave of sickness rise in me again and this time I pushed myself off the couch and over to the nearest trashcan where I emptied my stomach of the lunch I’d had earlier that day.

I hated myself. Helena was right about Alexa. She never fucking cared about me. But still, I couldn’t end it. I was terrified of being alone. Words couldn’t even begin to describe how badly I wanted to end my life. But in my heart, I felt that would be the biggest betrayal of all, not only to my friends and family …but to Helena.

From the speakers on stage, playing music to keep the crowd calm until we got out there, I heard the first notes of a new song and instantly wished I could melt into the floor and just cease to exist. It was ‘Losing My Grip’ by Hoobastank and it seemed to say everything that I didn’t want to feel at that moment. But I couldn’t block it out so I let the lyrics assault my ears while I leaned my back against the wall, still sitting on the floor next to the trashcan.

“Another night follows the day
Like a child does to its mother
And everywhere I look, I see your face
On the face of others
And I can't escape the pain...

All the questions I went through
I never told myself the truth
I turned my back on you and me
Cause I was scared to see
That we weren't who we used to be
So now I'm...

Trying hard to let go, let you go
But I can't seem to loosen my grip
Trying hard to let go, let you go
Let you go, go...

I feel an emptiness inside
A part of me already died
When I pretended to go on
Like everything's ok

Then all we built began to fall
As I began to lose it all
I shut my eyes and set me free
Cause I was scared to see
That we weren't who we used to be
So now I'm...

Trying hard to let go, let you go
But I can't seem to loosen my grip
Trying hard to let go, let you go
Let you go, go

You're all that I ever wanted
You're everything that I need
But now it's finally over
Time for goodbyes
I need it so now I'm...

Trying hard to let go, let you go
But I can't seem to loosen my grip
Trying hard to let go, let you go
Let you go, go

I'm trying hard to let go...
let you go, go...”

I dried my eyes and reminded myself how much I fucking hated that song. I didn’t want to let Helena go. I would never be able to let her go completely …but I was getting married. I couldn’t hold on to something that wasn’t even there. But still …I wanted to have her here with me now more than anything.

In three months …I would marry someone who didn’t give one shit about me or anyone I loved. She only wanted me for the money I was already making faster than I cared to and the fame that had already started to take its toll on me. And this was just the beginning. Is this the kind of life that had destroyed so many rock stars? …Would it destroy me too …or was I already gone? I couldn’t tell.

I dragged myself off the floor and stood in front of a counter, behind which hung a lighted mirror, mounted to the wall. I leaned on the counter for support as I hung my head and closed my eyes, trying desperately to regain some ounce of self-control.

I heard the door creak open behind me but did not turn around.

“Gerard,” came the soft voice of Brian Schechter, our band manager and very close friend. He knew the whole story of Helena and he knew that I and the rest of the guys and the three girls that we had brought with us (Autumn, Raven, and Mikey’s recently fiancé, Brooke) would be complete miserable wrecks tonight and it was best to not ask too many questions and just leave us alone. “You guys are on in five.”

“Yeah, ok thanks, Brian,” I mumbled disgusted at the weak sound of my voice.

I heard the door click closed behind me and finally raised my head to gaze into the mirror.

God, I was a mess.

I quickly brushed a hand through my hair and rubbed away the black smudges under my eyes before reapplying a thin coat of eyeliner. Helena always loved it when I wore eyeliner.

If I stood very still and closed my eyes, I could almost make myself believe that I could open them back up again, look in the mirror and see Helena’s reflection right next to mine, hear her whisper softy in my ear, feel her delicate arms around my waist, her soft lips on my skin…

“Don’t even fucking start crying again, mother fucker,” I warned myself, opening my eyes and pushing my delusions to the back of my mind.

I stood still, frozen in place, gazing into the smooth surface of the mirror, trying to recognize the man staring back at me …but I didn’t know him anymore. I wanted so badly to see the person Helena loved and when I looked for him in myself, I found him drowning in a pool of his own mistakes and regret. I wanted to help him …but I couldn’t. The only thing that could’ve helped him was waking up and finding out that the past five years had all been a really fucked up nightmare and that Helena was right here …right beside me. But she wasn’t. The old me was as good as dead. I shut out his desperate cries for help as I watched him drown in my minds eye.

I must’ve stood there, lost in a trance for a lot longer than I thought because the next thing I heard was a soft knock on the door. Then Brian stuck his head in again and said: “I’m sorry Gerard but I’ve really gotta get you guys out there. They’re getting unruly.”

“Coming,” I said, never taking my eyes away from the staring contest I was having with my reflection.

Brian reluctantly left the room once more but this time he left the door open slightly and even from back here the roar of the crowd was all but deafening.

“Showtime,” I said as the man inside the mirror mocked me.

I turned my back on him and headed out the door, towards the stage.