So Long and Goodnight...

Gerard’s P.O.V.

Helena and I finally broke our kiss …but only half a second before our lungs would have burst from lack of oxygen. We were laughing. We just couldn’t help it. We were sitting on the ground in a deserted alley littered with boxes and trashcans and things we didn’t dare ask about and we were basically making out even though we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in five years. Even considering that fact …it all felt so right to me. The kiss, her melodic laughter, the gentle pressure of her arms around my neck …fuck, even the dank, dark alley that surrounded us …it was all so …right and I had never felt more natural or comfortable in my entire life.

I smiled and kissed her forehead, pulling her closer to me as our eyes met once again.

“Fuck, I missed you,” I said brushing a strand of hair back from her face. “There’s so much that I’ve wished I could say to you these past five years. I …I don’t even know where to begin. But …what I’ve wanted to say the worst I think is …I’m sorry.”

She lifted her head from my chest and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “You’re sorry? Gerard, you have nothing to be sorry for. I should be the one groveling at your feet right now.”

“No. I know why you left, Helena and I think I know why you were so afraid to contact us. But it wasn’t until after I found out that you were …well thought you were …gone for good that I realized how much of a complete and total fucking idiot I’d been. I mean you tried to make it obvious and I know now that you tried countless times to tell me but …I was so fucking oblivious that I couldn’t even open my eyes and see you. I’ve regretted that every fucking day since you left.”

Her eyes were quite misty (as were mine) but she was holding back her tears like a trooper as she gazed at me …and then she smiled.

“So I take it you read my note,” she smirked.

I chuckled softly and nodded my head. “Yeah. I did. I actually um …I read it a lot. Every year …on this night, we all read them. It’s kind of a …tradition I guess you could call it. And every year except this one since we had to be here, we would all um…” I choked back a wave of emotion and tightened my arms around her, reminding myself that she was here. She was right here. “…we would gather around your …grave and just …think about all the great fucking times we had with you and we would miss you like Hell. I mean, when you left it was like …a huge part of all of us went with you and we didn’t even know how we were going to live without you. And it never got better …ever. Five minutes ago, I was thinking about you and missing you and now …” I let my words trail off into the night for I had suddenly run out of them as I was again struck by the suddenness of everything. She was back from the dead. What the Hell did you say in a situation like that?

“I knew that you would be okay though. All of you. Especially you. You’re so strong, Gerard, so determined. You never needed me. Look at you. You’re a fucking rockstar. You and the boy’s, you did this all on your own and …a part of me is so scared that I’m going to ruin it all for you. It was so selfish of me to think that I could just barge back into your lives whenever I felt like it.”

She would’ve said more but I put a finger to her lips to silence her. “You’re wrong,” I told her bluntly and truthfully. “You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried. We didn’t do this to get over you or to forget you. At first it was just to try and numb the pain but …it didn’t work like that because at every practice, every band meeting, every time I tried to write a line or a verse …I looked around for you. We all did. It felt so wrong that you weren’t there to encourage us and tell us off when we started to doubt ourselves which was every single fucking day. The music made us miss you more than it provided release but soon …it was like the pain of missing you …made us all feel closer to you and every time that it hurt so bad that we wanted nothing more than to give up, we pressed on that much harder because we knew how pissed off you would be if we gave up.”

I felt her laugh against my chest and smiled in spite of my tears.

“Every time we play, every note, every line, every song …it’s not for us …it’s for you. It’s always been for you because you were the only person who ever really understood everything about me. You knew me better than I ever knew myself. You picked me up whenever I fell. You believed in me when no one else did. And every time I would doubt myself or put myself down or say that I wasn’t good enough …you made me feel like I could do anything. Every time I brought you my bullets …you brought me your love.”

I gazed down at her tear-streaked face as I let the last sentence sink in. Her breath seemed to catch in her throat and her eyes grew wider as she realized the meaning of what I had said. When I said that it was all for her …I had meant it. And now she knew.

“Y-you mean…”

“Every …word …is for you. All of it.”

“Gerard,” she whispered before her lips met mine for the second time and I was lost in ecstasy again. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, sugar.” I had never called anyone that before but that sounded right to me too. Her kiss was sweeter than any wine could ever be so ‘sugar’ seemed to fit her just fine.

She smiled at the name and snuggled back against my chest and we just sat there, listening to the sounds of the wind blowing through palm fronds mingled with the hard sounds of downtown L.A., breathing in the palm/smog scented air, and cherishing the feel of our bodies against one another. Time seemed to stop and I didn’t know how long we had been sitting there when her voice broke the silence.

“Hey, as much as I’m enjoying this, and trust me I am, isn’t someone going to start wondering where you are?”

I sighed, knowing she was right. I didn’t want this moment to end but I didn’t want anyone to come looking for me and come upon her suddenly like I did. I didn’t know if Mikey’s poor heart could take that and he was usually the one who served as damage control for me and eventually came to collect me and make sure I was okay after I went off on my own …even when I had been especially cruel to him through the blinding veil of my extreme emotions. He was a great little brother …the best …and I regretted having yelled at him in the dressing room.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I conceded. “We should go in. I mean …you are …staying …aren’t you?”

She smiled up at me somewhat timidly. “Well to be honest …I kind of don’t have too much of a choice. I used every cent I had just to get here and I …I kind of um …snuck in.”

“No shit?” I laughed. “Hey, I’m proud of you. How the hell did you manage that?”

“Haha. I don’t know exactly. There were a few more security guards than I thought there would be.”

“Yeah well you can blame our manager for that. He’s so protective of us and he always has to make sure nothing at all can possibly happen to us. God, if he finds out I’m not in the dressing room, he’s gonna have a fucking cow.”

“Aw sweet! Can I name it,” Helena asked excitedly and I suddenly felt like I did before Helena had left; light, carefree, and …happy. I never would have guessed that I could be this happy ever again.

I kissed her on the cheek, still laughing and said: “Sugar, you can do whatever you want as long as you promise you won’t leave us ever again.”

“But I can’t stay. I have no money and I’ll just be in the way.”

“One: don’t worry about the money. I have too much as it is and I’m not the one who spends the majority of it but that’s something I do not want to discuss right now and something that I do not want you to worry about. It’s halfway taken care of already and later, I’ll explain everything and let you beat the shit out of me because it needs to be done.” I continued before she could say anything. “And two: you will not be in the way. We have eight bunks on the tour bus. One of them,” I stressed the word one for a reason. “…is used as a place for everybody’s bags and shit but they can easily be moved to the floor in the back and that can be your bunk …unless, of course, you want to share one …with me.” I meant nothing sexual by that, just that I would love to fall asleep after a long day with her in my arms and her smile told me that she understood. “Before we leave here tonight there will be plenty of room for you in my bunk, I promise you. That being said, I know you have a few questions for me so …go.” I smiled, knowing she understood at least an outline of what I was leading her to.

“Um ok,” she blinked trying to process the last thing that I had said and apparently not liking what she kept coming back to (I couldn’t blame her) so she went with the question that had presented itself a bit earlier. “Either you’re really bad at math or you meant to say six instead of eight because the last time I checked there were only five people in your band not seven which if there were eight bunks on your bus that would mean three open ones, not one.” She took a deep breath as she had said all that at once.

“I meant eight and I passed all my math classes thankyouverymuch.”

“So …you picked up two hitchhikers?”

“Close.”

“Three hitchhikers and one of you is sleeping with one of them?”

I had to try hard not to laugh. “Closer, ” I smirked.

Her face suddenly changed from playful to serious. She had always been so good at reading a persons face and it was nice to see that very little had changed.

“Three people?”

“Yes.”

“Three,” she swallowed hard. “…girls?”

My smile grew. “Yes.”

“Three girls that …maybe … I know?”

“Quite well, I’d say.”

Her eyes grew wide and sparkled like diamonds. “Autumn, Raven and Brooke,” she whispered as tears came to her eyes.

“Autumn, Raven, and Brooke,” I confirmed. “We couldn’t leave them alone for the um …ya know anniversary so …we invited them along.”

“So wait does that mean...” Before she could actually ask me, the answer came to her. “Oh my god! Mikey and Brooke are still dating?!”

“Hey, don’t act so shocked. They’re fucking perfect for each other. They’re still together but don’t make me say anymore or you’ll ruin the surprise.”

“Surprise?” She obviously had no way of knowing that they were engaged and I wasn’t going to tell her here. I wanted it to be Brooke that told her.

“Silly me, I’ve said too much. Time for a well placed distraction. Look! A mongoose!”

Helena and I both started laughing and she was too preoccupied with trying to draw breath to hound me for more clues so I focused on the next item on this unexpected agenda of preparing her for what waited inside.

I sighed not wanting to tell her the next part, afraid that she would hate me or hate herself for making out with me when I was supposed to be getting married to another girl …even if that girl was Alexa. But I had to tell her. There was no way I was going to let her find out on her own, especially not now that I knew the friendship they had showed towards each other since I first started dating Alexa had been a complete cover up. I had never told Alexa that I knew about that. I had never even showed her the note or questioned her for her side in any of it. It all made sense to me. I was just a pawn in Alexa’s little game but I was too afraid to be alone …and Helena thought I was strong. I was only strong when she was my support system. When she left …I became helpless.

Taking her hands in mine and forcing myself to look into her eyes as I gave her this charming little piece of information, I tried to gently lead her to a truth that I couldn’t quite voice on my own because …I was ashamed of it.

“Ok, Helena,” I paused to take a deep breath and the seriousness of my tone was reflected by the concern on her face. “I have to tell you something and it’s gonna suck but I don’t want you to worry about it, ok? It’s my problem. It has been for five years and I’ve just never had the strength or the courage to stand up for myself but now that you’re here, I do.”

“You’re not alone are you?”

I laughed nervously. “Define alone.”

Her eyes never left mine and in her face was a level of understanding that I think surprised even her. She remained silently supportive and let me continue.

“Helena,” I said after another deep breath. “After you …left, I …I wasn’t the same person. I mean …I was convinced that I was going to lose everyone I loved but …more than anything …I was terrified of being alone. I knew what you said about her was true and I wanted to tell her to go to Hell but …I didn’t want to be alone. She stayed with me because I was easy to control and I did whatever she wanted me to do and I only stayed with her because I didn’t know what else to do but I want you to know that from the moment I read your letter, I knew that she was only using me just like she always had and every feeling of love or affection that I thought I had for her died right there. I only ever thought of you and every fucking day that I saw her I wished that the two of you could’ve traded places. I started to hate her just for the simple fact that she wasn’t you and I would start a fight just to piss her off enough to leave me since I was too weak to leave her but …she was too busy using me for what I could get to leave.”

I saw the question in Helena’s eyes as I said that but I wasn’t ready to answer it yet so I pushed on before she could stop me.

“Anyway …what I’m trying to say and I think you already know is that …technically I’m still with Alexa.”

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard as that name assaulted her ears and I felt like a bastard. She shivered violently which seemed a bit out of place and when she opened her eyes I thought I saw something like …fear flicker through them. It was windy and the night was turning cold. She was wearing a sleeveless top, (which I suddenly noticed was an MCR one that I had designed) and no coat so …maybe that’s all it had been.

“You cold?” I asked softly.

“…A little,” she confessed avoiding eye contact. So I slipped off my jacket and placed it over her shoulders.

“Thanks,” she said giving me a weak smile.

I sighed. “There’s a little more …I got into a fight with her backstage just a little bit ago. That’s actually why I came out here, to cool down but there are a lot of reasons that I’ve been wanting to break up with her and tonight was kind of the last straw, I guess. I basically told her that I was done with her, that I wanted nothing more to do with her and that she could keep the …ring …I gave to her.”

Helena jumped a bit when I said the word ring and her shocked eyes met my ashamed ones.

“Oh my god. Gerard …I had no idea.”

“I know and this isn’t your fault. If you hadn’t shown up, I probably would’ve went back to her and I didn’t want to do that. This is Alexa we’re talking about, okay? You know how she is. There was no love there, Helena. We hated each other. When the band got discovered and we started making some real money, Alexa suddenly got real friendly toward me again. And she only begged me to marry her so she would have legal rights to my money. That’s all it was. She was using me. I know she didn’t love me. She loved …everybody.”

The guilt and concern on Helena’s face turned to rage in an instant. “She was cheating on you?!”

“Only with the entire population of whatever town we happened to be in that week.”

“I’m gonna fucking kill her!” She jumped up and started heading for the stage door.

“No, Helena! Wait,” I said jumping up as well and grabbing her arm that was now slipped through the sleeve of my leather jacket. She looked good in it …really good. “It’s not worth it, okay? I don’t care about her. She can do whatever the hell she wants. She can choke on that fucking ring for all I care.”

“You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that but that’s not the point,” she raged. I just smiled because I knew her anger was not directed toward me. She was defending me and it felt so good to have someone fighting for me again, especially since it was Helena. “The point is that when I left, I made it crystal clear to that fucking bitch that if she ever hurt you again I would gut her like a fish.”

I had to laugh. God, she was so cute when she was angry.

“Where is she, Gerard? I’m going to kill her.”

I didn’t say a word. I just wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed her. Her anger quickly melted away and she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me deeper into the kiss.

When we finally came up for air, she was calm again and she smiled at me and said: “What were we talking about again?”

I laughed and slid my hands down to her waist. “What do you say we go see the guys?”

She bit her lower lip and shifted her gaze to the ground. “I’m scared.”

“Don’t be. They’ve missed you so much, Helena. They’ll be shocked as Hell at first, I know but all they’ll care about it the fact that you’re alive. And then when everybody calms down you can tell us what happened if you want to. Everyone will want to know. I know I do.”

She smiled and took my hand. “Ok.” She said bravely. “Let’s go.”

I squeezed her hand supportively and led her back through the door that led to the backstage concession area and the dressing room where all her friends waited for a reunion they had no idea was coming.