Wasted

I absolutely hated that I had to leave South Dakota. Having to leave everything there behind me, including my truck. Knowing that Jacob could wake up one day and wonder why I haven’t been around for a while nearly killed me. What would Jason even say to that? I should have known better than to get close to that little boy. I should have made sure that whatever Jason and I were doing, it didn’t involve his kid. I’ve abandoned that little boy. That was the only thought that was rolling through my head as the bus drove on a two lane highway, surrounded by trees. Bobby wasn’t even particularly happy about my leaving. I was convinced that it was only because I cooked for him.

It all came down to being Dean’s fault. Dean was my reason for leaving and my reason for having to come back. I guess you never get what you want. The second I found something that I really wanted, Dean took it all away, begging me to finish a case with him. Granted, that I did want to know what the black eyes were all about, I wished Dean could have done something without me. The man knew how to use a phone. He could have called me and told me what the black eyes were and we would have gone on with our separate lives.

What hurt the most about leaving, was that Jason told me to go. He just let me walk out the door, like that entire week hadn’t happened and hadn’t been the best week of my entire life. I couldn’t cry. I felt like I needed to, but, for some reason that I didn’t know about, I just couldn’t. I was hurt. After years of not dating, this is all I have to show for it? A broken heart, a confused best friend, and a kid who would someday notice that I’m not there. Knowing this is all I have now, I certainly wouldn’t be dating again. Dating in my life just wasn’t possible. How could I have been so stupid?

When the bus rolled into the station, my eyes instantly shot to that Chevy Impala sitting in the parking lot. I sighed, not nearly prepared enough to go back to this. It would take everything that I had in me to start screaming at Dean. I grabbed my backpack and forced myself off of the bus. In the parking lot, Sam and Dean were leaning against the passenger side of the car. Sam showed his big toothy smile and walked towards me. I smiled back and ran into his arms, hugging him tightly.

“You’d think that after not seeing you for two years, one week wouldn’t be nearly as bad.” I said, jokingly, as I pulled out of his grasp. Sam smiled. He seemed a little awkward and unsure of what to do in this situation. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, enclosing him in another hug. “I really missed you, Sam.” I said, tightening myself around his rigid figure until he relaxed and hugged me back, just as tightly.

“Hey, you’re back, right?” Sam asked, into my ear. “That’s all that matters.” I nodded, opening my eyes to see Dean still leaning up against the car, but he was looking up from under his eyelashes. I slowly pulled myself from Sam’s grasp and walked over in front of Dean. He stood up straight in front of me. I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. Even after thinking about it the entire ride over here, it was like, my mind was drawing a blank. I wanted to hug him and punch him in the face at the same time.

“Dean.” I said, coldly. He deserved a little bit of my cold shoulder. I was angry with him. I was in the right…right?

“Ken, don’t do that.” Dean told me.

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t order me around.” He didn’t say anything back. I sighed, wishing that I hadn’t been that mean to him. Maybe he didn’t warrant being avoided as I thought that he did. “So what’s the plan?” I asked, looking towards Sam.

“Well before we came to get you, we visited the house of one George Phelps.” Sam explained. “He was the man believed to have had the black eyes. Apparently there was nothing going on at home. Nothing too strange, that would elicit him to use super strength on the airplane hatch.”

“And now?”

“Now we have to check out the plane wreckage.”

“But, first,” Dean said, “we need some new duds.”

~~

I was stuck waiting at the car, leaning against it, while the boys were inside MORT’s For Style. They needed some high rate clothing so they checked out this place. Since they didn’t know that I was coming back with them, they didn’t have a fake ID made for me. I couldn’t blame them. I wasn’t planning on coming back either. It was half an hour before the two came out sporting crisp black suits they had purchased. Once Dean came out from behind Sam, my heart skipped a beat. I shook my head to get out of the wild thoughts that were running through my head.

“Man, I look like one of the Blues Brothers.” Dean complained, looking down at himself.

“No, you don’t. You look more like…a seventh grader at his first dance.” Sam countered. I shook my head at the arguing brothers before walking up to Sam. I ordered him to lean down a little so that I could fix his collar.

“I hate this thing.”

“Personally, I think you both look very handsome.” I walked over to Dean. I noticed him get a little nervous as I reached up to fix his tie. “It’s not every day that I get to see my two favorite guys all dressed up.” Dean smiled at me. I nodded, just trying to keep the peace. Maybe if we just moved passed all of this, we could get back to normal. Like it was before I left. “And besides, according to you, this is the only way you guys can get to check out the wreck.” The three of us gathered into the car. “Alright, so tell me the plan again.”

“Dean and I will go in posing as Homeland Security. We’ll check the EMF just to get a lead on what exactly we’re looking for.” Sam explained.

“And I will be here?”

Sam nodded. “Stay in the Impala, engine running. Just in case we need to make a quick getaway.” I wasn’t very comfortable with this. Something could easily go wrong. Going in as Homeland Security was a big deal. I don’t think we have ever gone that far up the totem pole of law enforcement before. I was shaken from my thoughts when the car halted to a stop. Sam and Dean climbed out of the car before I even noticed their absence.

“McKenly.” Dean called. I looked up at him, before climbing over the front seat of the car. I turned my head to him, moving my hands onto the steering wheel. Dean looked as if he was going to say something, but then he pulled away and sighed. I bit my lip. “Keep her engine running.” He said, simply.

I nodded. “Don’t get caught. In and out.” He pat his hand on the top of the car before walking off into the building with his brother. I sighed. I hated behind left out of the good stuff. Especially since Dean dragged my back out here.

I groaned. I needed to get out of my thoughts. I pulled my phone from my pocket. There were no missed calls or messages. after I checked the time, I figured out that Jason would have just gotten to work. Jacob would be at Preschool for a few more hours, when Chelsea would be picking him up to watch him until Jason gets home. How could I stay out of their lives when I knew so much about them? I’ve only known who they were for about a week, but it seems like so much more than that. I enjoyed their company, and they made me feel at home. I didn’t have anything supernatural to deal with. It was all very normal. Without thinking, I dialed the number to his house.

“You’ve reached Jason Fisher.” Jason’s voice ran clear through the receiver end.

“And Jacob!” the little boy shouted.

Jason laughed. “Please leave a name and number at the beep and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.”

The beep sounded.

“H – Hey, uh, Jason. I know we didn’t really define what was going to happen with us after I felt, but I just wanted you to know that I got in safely.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Dean just – he severely overestimated the drama of the situation and I can’t make it back. I wish I could. I miss you two so much. But I think that this is for the best. My family is here. I’m just not ready to settle down. Maybe our paths will cross again someday.” I sighed. “Goodbye, Jason.” I hung up quickly, I stared at the phone in my hands. I wasn’t really all that sure that I should have called him, but I did and it was too late to take it back now. I jumped at the sound of a door slamming.

“McKenly!” Dean shouted.

I shook my head from my thoughts. “What?”

“Go!”

I gasped. “Shit, sorry!” I said, slamming the car into drive and pressing my foot on the gas. The silence in the car as we drove away was too intense for me. I knew Dean was mad about me being distracted. I tried to ease the tension. “So what did you find?” I asked, carefully. Dean shook his head and looked out the window.

“A yellow sort of powder.” Sam said, taking it out of his jacket pocket. It was in a small Ziploc-like bag.

“Let me see that.” I told him, reaching my arm around to take the bag from him. I opened it with one hand and drove with the other. I tried to see better by looking into the bag, but immediately drew the bag away when I caught the smell. “Urgh, Jesus.” I complained. Then something hit me. “Wait, does that smell like rotten eggs to you?” I asked Dean, holding it up to his face. He took a sniff and then backed away, grabbing the bag to close it. “It does, doesn’t it?” Dean nodded. “Bet my ass that stuff’s sulfur.” I said.

“Let’s take it back to Jerry to find out.” I followed his orders and drove the directions he told me. when we got there, he greeted me kindly, obviously having remembered me. I only smiled and asked him about his wife. I just wanted to get down to business. Once Jerry determined that it was, in fact, sulfur, we deemed that it was from demonic possession. It’s been a while since we’ve dealt with the damn things, but I remembered instantly and it all made sense. The sulfuric residue, the black eyes, the superman super-strength. We went back to the boy’s motel room to do some more research. We taped pictures to the walls and had articles strewn all across one bed. Sam sat at the table with his computer while Dean and I were sat on the other bed, me digging through a book, and Dean rifling through his father’s journal. We sat on the same bed and he wouldn’t so much as look my direction.

“So,” Sam started. “every religion in every world culture seems to have their own concept of demons and demonic possession, right? I mean Christian, Native American, Hindu, you name it.”

“That may be right, Sam, but not one of the ones that I’ve read about were like this.” I told him, defeated that I couldn’t find anything in the books like what we were dealing with.

“That’s not exactly true. You see, according to Japanese beliefs, certain demons are behind certain disasters, both natural and man-made. One causes earthquakes, another causes disease.”

“So this one causes plane crashes?” Dean asked, getting up from his side of the bed. “So what? We have a demon that’s evolved with the times and found a way to ratchet up the body count?”

“Yeah. You know, who knows how many planes it’s brought down before this one?” Sam played. Dean scoffs. “What?”

“I don’t know. This isn’t our normal gig. Demons don’t want anything. They just want death and destruction for its own sake this is big.” He paused. “And I wish Dad was here. Maybe then we could have a focused getaway driver.” Dean said, glaring in my direction.

“Dean, don’t start.” Sam warned, knowing, all too well, that he was about to tread in dangerous waters.

I stood up from my spot on the bed and moved between the two. “No, Dean. Go ahead, yell at me. It’s better than sitting right next to you and not even acknowledging me.”

“Okay.” Dean said, taking a breath. “Let’s start with you being distracted back at the warehouse. What the hell was going through your mind? Sam and I told you to stay ready.”

“Don’t drag me into this.” Sam said, sitting down to return his attention to his computer.

“So I was in space for a minute. I’m sorry! But we got away and that’s all that matters!”

“I just don’t think that your head is in the game.”

“I was gone a week.” I argued. “My head is completely in the game. I wanted to go check out the wreckage. So far, I’ve done nothing since you dragged me back here. And that’s your doing.”

“I didn’t drag you back! You came back!”

“Shut up, Dean!” I shouted. “You practically begged me to come back. I was find in South Dakota. I was normal and had friends.”

“Single dad and a five year old. Sounds like loads of fun.”

“It was certainly better than being here with your annoying ass!”

Dean furrowed his brow, and took a deep breath. “Okay and what about that stunt you pulled a week ago? Leaving in the middle of the night. After I… you know.”

“After you kissed me.” I said, aloud. Finally admitting it in front of Sam. It’s probably what Dean was trying to avoid, so I figured I would put him on the spot. “Before a few weeks ago, our relationship was pretty set in stone. We’ve always been best friends and that’s it. Granted, I wasn’t happy with it. You hit on everything with two legs. You have never noticed me there, wishing that it was me that you were buying drinks for. Then when I threaten leaving, suddenly it’s like I’m the one thing you can’t have. It was supposed to feel good. ‘Cause that is exactly what I wanted, but it wasn’t. with you, it’s just the one night stand or cuddling to keep away the nightmares, but that’s not what I want. I want a normal relationship and I had that!”

“You can’t walk away from this life, McKenly!” Dean yelled, taking a step towards me.

“Obviously not, because I couldn’t go a week without you needing my help!” I took a step towards him, getting in his face.

Sam took this opportunity with us not yelling at each other to get up and get between us to spread us apart. “Alright, take a break before you two kill each other.” He said, carefully. He was probably still shocked about our confession that we had kissed.

“Come to think of it, I know exactly how you felt, Sam. How reluctant you were to come back to this life. You really had something with Jessica and we took that away from you. I am so sorry, Sammy.” Sam didn’t know what to say to my comment so he just left the room, not that he had the chance to say something.

“Don’t pucker up to Sam, McKenly. This is you and me right now. I missed you, Ken. I wanted you back. We’re family.”

“And as family, you are supposed to support me.” I said, proudly. “If I wanted to stay in Souix Falls with Jason and Jacob, and grow old and have kids, get a normal job and live that apple-pie-white-picket-fence life then you should have let me. And we should have let Sam.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know what else you want me say. I’m sorry that I dragged Sam out here. I’m sorry that I pissed you off so bad that you had to leave! I’m sorry that I brought you back! And I’m sorry that I kissed you!” Dean shouted.

I cringed away from him. “I’m not.” I said, quietly.

“What?”

“I’m not sorry. I’m glad that you wanted me to come back. And I’m glad that you kissed me.” I shrugged. “It just wasn’t the right time for anything. So I got scared and I left. You and I haven’t been anything but friends and I wouldn’t know how to be anything else. I couldn’t even keep a boyfriend that wasn’t you.”

“That’s my fault.” Dean admitted.

“Partially.” I agreed. “But I realized that I wasn’t ready to be a mother to that kid. And as much as that little boy made an impact on me, I would know how to feel about raising a kid that wasn’t mine. I was happy there. I enjoyed Jason’s company and he enjoyed mine, but I’m not ready to settle down into someone else’s family. My family is here. And as much as you irritate me, I still came back.”

Dean opened his mouth to respond, but his cell phone rang interrupting him. “Hello?” he answered, waiting for a response. “Oh, hey, Jerry. … Wha – Jerry, I’m sorry. What happened? … Where’d this happen? … I’ll try to ignore the irony in that. … Nothing. Jerry, hang in there, alright? We’ll catch up with you soon.” He hung up his phone and buried it back in his pocket.

I gave him a worried look. “Another crash?”

“Yeah. We gotta go.” Dean responded.

“Where?”

“Nazareth.” He grabbed his jacket and started to walk out the door.

“Dean?” I called. He stopped a few step in front of the door and turned to face me. I took a deep breath and walked towards him. I wrapped my arms around his middle when I got in front of him and hugged him tight. His arms instantly snaked around my shoulders, making me sigh, taking in his scent. “I missed you.” I felt him nod, then he kissed the top of my head.