Guilty

There I was lying in a pool of my own blood thinking about my life. I'm going to die. I don't want to live anymore. I don't deserve to live after what I did. I wish I could take it all back but I can't. The guilt is tearing me apart like the claws of a monster ripping through the flesh of some unsuspecting child. I just couldn't live with myself. I had to end it. I had to end my life before I do it again. I guess I just went crazy as so many people often do who grow up the way I did. But that's no excuse for what I did. There is no excuse for what I did. Unlike most people who go insane I became sane again but not before I hurt someone. I sometimes liked to fantasize about killing people. But eventually fantasizing wasn't enough. I don't know what changed to make me finally act instead of just fantasizing. Maybe it's because my knife shop was going bankrupt because I refused to sell my babies to anyone I thought was unworthy. No one was worthy. Or maybe it was because I found that whore I used to call my wife in bed with that bastard I used to call my friend and neighbor. So one night I was lying in bed fantasizing about stabbing that bastard when I decided that I'd actually do it. So I grabbed one of my knives, the one I was going to give to that bitch for our anniversary and went to hunt down my prey. I walked to my neighbor's house. Lucky for me he never locks his door at night. I opened the door slowly as to not make too much noise, walked up the stairs, down the hall to the first bedroom. It was his son's room. He lay there both arms wrapped around a teddy bear. He looked so innocent it disgusted me. Seeing something innocent always pissed me off. Why should someone else have innocence when I lost mine long ago? I covered his mouth with my hand so his daddy wouldn't come and spoil my fun. Like my daddy did every night after a long night of drinking. He started to squirm like a bug being burned by a magnifying glass. I raised my knife and brought it down again and again blood spattering my face and the teddy bear's. After he stopped squirming I knelt by his bed and leaned over his body so I could get a closer look at my handy work. His Super Man pajamas were now splatted with his blood.
"Super Man may be the Man of Steal but you're no more than butter against my knife". I whispered in his ear. I could see one of his ribs poking out of one of the stab wounds. His face twisted in pain and horror as well as soaked in his blood.
"Wheres your innocence now you little shit?" I whispered in his ear. "I'll See you in hell. I think I'll go and take your daddy's innocence now."
I walked down the hall blood dripping down the blade to the floor like the tears drip from a child's eyes as his daddy beats and rapes him.
"Slice your heart and make you die stick my knify in your eye. I killed your son your only child laughing as he bled now I'll make you dead" I sang.
I stopped at his door and opened it careful not to make a sound. I walked to the bed, raised my knife smiling the smile of insanity. "Slice your heart and make you die stick my knify in your eye. I killed your son your only child laughing as he bled now I'll make you dead" I sang.
He opened his eyes but not before I plunged my knife as hard as I could into his crotch. He screamed in agony. His eyes bulging out of his head like canon balls coming out of a canon.
All the while I sang "Slice your heart and make you die stick my knify in your eye. I killed your son your only child laughing as he bled now I'll make you dead"
I pulled the knife out and stabbed him again, this time through his eye. He let out one last scream before he died.
I left the room singing "Slice your heart and make you die stick my knify in your eye. I killed your son your only child laughing as he bled now I'll make you dead" as I went. But that's when my sanity came back and it hit me like a truck full of bricks. I had killed someone. I ran from the house as fast as I could and back to mine. Once I was back in my room I sat on my bed and started to cry. The tears and the blood on my face mixed and dripped on the floor in little red splashes.
"What have I done, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE! I yelled. I had killed someone in cold blood. "What do I do? What if I go crazy again and kill someone else?" "No I can't let that happen."
That's when I decided to kill myself. But how should I do it? I could drink bleach, no I don't have any. I could jump off the roof, no it's not high enough. I know I'll stab myself like what the Samurai call Seppuku. I got my knife, the very knife that I killed them with and plunged it into my stomach. I pulled the knife out and blood gushed from the wound and spilled onto the floor joining the red tears. I had worked to keep my house and my life as spotless as I could but just like the now blood spattered floor and teddy bear my life was dirty, so very dirty. I plunged the knife in again, this time leaving it in. The pain was excruciating but I deserved it. I deserved to rot in hell for eternity. I can feel my heart slowing down. In a few more seconds I will be dead and in hell. I could hear the screams of my neighbor echoing in my head. The last time I heard a scream like that it was coming from my mother as my father murdered her. He would have killed me too if not for the next door neighbors running over to see what all the screaming was about.
I remember the last words my father said to me as the police dragged him away were "See you in hell you little shit". Well, I guess he was right. I always hated my father and promised myself that I would never be like him. Well, I guess that's not the first promise I've broken. All I wanted was to live a happy life but I fucked it up like I fucked up my business.
"Here I come daddy" I smiled as my heart finally stopped.