The Frayed Ends of Sanity

It is nighttime. The moonlight creeps slowly into my tomb- I mean room- and I shiver and pull my cellphone out of my bag. Today’s events have left me restless and I have so much adrenaline pumping through my veins it’s all I can do to keep myself lying still.

I need to talk to someone but at this late hour, who would I call? I toss the phone back into my bag and close my eyes…

He eyes me with undisguised disgust, hissing words I’ve heard a million times over and over like a broken record. He is singing my fears like a lullaby, and like a baby I am drawn in. My voice of reason takes over though and I punch him to get him to shut him up, but he won’t shut up. I do it again. And again. If I do it enough he’ll die. Like I’m supposed to be. We’ll be dead together, only he will be below me. The fire will reach him, burn him, and destroy him. I escaped the fire. I am the fire, I’m hungry to burn. He screams in agony, and I laugh. Tears pour down my face, a waterfall of lava, melting my skin. As the flesh drips down onto the floor in sickening clumps, every sizzle repeats the same mantra: suffer, bleed, repeat, suffer bleed, repeat. The words are louder and louder with every passing second and I know this is so I won’t forget.

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Emergency room, stat!” someone yells and my eyes flutter painfully open.

I’m strapped down to a gurney, being rushed down an endlessly long hallway by a nurse who is now looking at me with so much worry I fear I must be dying. As if she can read my thoughts she begins to coo gently.

“Shh sweetie. Don’t talk, it’s too much energy and you’re going to need it for the journey that’s ahead.”

Her hand reaches out to stroke the hair away from my face and tears come to my eyes.

Not even my own mother did that for me.

I’m so touched by this gesture, I cling to her hand, and her fingers wrap around mine, securing me and giving me security.

“What happened?” I choke out, shocked that it comes out as a mumble and I can taste blood- lots and lots of blood.

It hurts to talk but I need answers to the millions of questions now racing through my mind. I reach for my face and feel swelling, blood caked on my skin, various gashes and bruises.

“Oh honey, you hurt yourself. Smashed yourself up and whatnot. But don’t you worry, the doctors will help you get back on track and looking better than ever” the nurse says before wheeling me into a dark room and lifting me onto an operating table.

I catch my reflection in the mirror and try not to gag. It’s worse than I thought.

I look like I’ve been beaten by a professional boxer and run over by a bulldozer, baptized in acid and raised in a box of glass shards.

Doctors rush in at that moment and before I can ask questions I become sleepy, so sleepy, and fade into a darkness I dare not fight.

I am a child again, laughing alone amongst my pile of toys, stuffed animals that listened to all my problems with smiles as if they understood it all. A shaft of sunlight reaches me and I clap and giggle, basking in its warmth. I don’t ever want it to go away, this warmth. If I could stay here, forever, I would. I am happy, carefree, and life as I know it is perfect. Nothing could ruin this moment, these moments for me.

I am running, and this shadow is chasing me. I scream for help but my throat burns, ragged from all the screaming that goes unheard. Where is everyone? Why am I always alone?

They are laughing at me, a classroom full of kids who don’t know what I know, don’t see what I see, will never understand me. The teacher eyes me warily, unsure, as if I might snap at her. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I didn’t mean to bring the nightmare here, to school, where everyone would know… Should I get up and leave? No, that would make it worse. But if I stay….thunk! an eraser hits my back, followed by a pen, wads of paper, pencils. I am shaking, but I will not cry. Not yet. A knock at the door, and then two security guards enter the room and head straight to me. They speak but I don’t hear them. I grab my backpack, get up, and follow them. Behind me, someone claps, and then everyone is cheering, whistling, glad that I am gone.

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There is pain, but I detach myself from it.

I’m back in my tomb- room- wrapped in the gray blanket.

Why does it feel like a shroud?

That nurse- I wish it were the smiling one i saw before the doctors took over- is in here, closing the window curtains and fiddling with the thermostat. I close my eyes again until she leaves. When did I leave the hospital?

There is a mirror on the bedside table and I grab it. My face is disgusting, horrible to look at. I place it back down but pick it up again when I see a flash of black flit across the smooth surface.

Nothing.

Must be my eyes, my mind playing tricks on me from all the medication. I feel thirsty so I get up to go outside for a drink of water. Grace is in the hall, and she eyes me with curiosity. I am too weary to explain myself, and I’m not even sure if my explanation would be accurate, if she’d even believe me.

“He got to you too” she says in a whisper so soft I’m not even sure I heard her correctly.

“Oh my God…he….he….”

before I can say something, she falls to the ground, shaking uncontrollably, clutching her chest. Her back arches and she lets out a chilling, animalistic growl. She looks like someone possessed, and i back into a wall, terrified.

Grace relaxes, her body slumping against the linoleum ground, and I hesitate, wondering if she's safe to approach. Before I can decide, the nurse emerges from another room and freezes for a split second, before rushing towards us.

"into your room. Now!" she commands.

I am helpless and I obey, but i cannot control my thoughts.

What the hell is going on?