For My Sake

I awoke with a start when the RV hit a pothole, almost falling out of the bunk I had crashed on. The pothole didn't seem to cause the RV any damage. I released a breath of relief, glad there wasn't a flat tire or something. That would be bad, considering it was night.

I rose from the bunk, glancing at a sleeping Rory on the lower bunk across from me. I shut the door to the sleeping quarters, making my way to the front. Penelope was driving, Dan was asleep on the couch that folded out into a futon. Madelyn sat at the small table with a picture of her husband, cleaning guns while she occasionally looked at the smiling man in the photograph.

I slid into the passenger seat next to Penelope. She glanced at me, but quickly returned her attention to the road. It was dangerous driving at night. You never knew when one of them would walk out into the street.

“You want me to take over?” I offered, half because I had slept through two shifts and half because I was afraid for her driving at night.

“Nah,” she said. “I got it.”

My stomach rumbled loudly. I held it, embarrassed. Then again I couldn't really blame it for complaining. I hadn't eaten in two days.

Penelope glanced at me again. “You should eat.”

“We need those supplies.”

Her brows furrowed. “Yeah, to use.”

“I mean for winter. We barely have enough to last us a month. We won't survive if we can't find more somewhere.”

Penelope's frown deepened, if that was possible. “You can't just not eat, Charlie. Eat an apple at the least. Madelyn has marked up the map for places to check out once the sun rises.”

I don't know how, but for once she was more optimistic than I was. Maybe it was the just-woken-up grogginess I was feeling, but I haven't seen Penelope smile since all this went down. It was a shame, she had the most beautiful smile. Not wanting to upset her, I reached behind my chair for the dry foods compartment, the supplies that would perish within a couple weeks, and plucked an apple from its depths. It was red with numerous brown bruises, but I ate it despite its poor conditions. These days, a bruised apple was comparable to a top notch steak.

A deep silence fell over us as I ate. It wasn't like the silences I was used to. It was full of worry and misery. Whatever person we were in the past isn't what we are today. Everyone has changed, most for the worst – and I'm not even talking about the dead ones – but some have stepped up. It's hard to accept the fact that it took their whole family being eaten by cannibal dead people for it to happen, but it was the truth.

Penelope was in the middle. She was still the good person she always was at heart, but she has turned cold. Her lips are set in a permanent frown, her shoulders sag with the responsibilities she has burdened herself with, the blood on her hands never seems to stop piling on. She's been through so much, if the world ever went back to the way it was, she never would. And I wished I could change it, change her back to her old self. I missed the old Penelope, but I knew I had to accept that the new Penelope will be the one I'm stuck with.

“What do you miss the most?” I asked before I could stop myself. I always tried to avoid these kinds of conversations, because it made everyone uncomfortable and sad. I hate seeing the look in people's eyes when past lives are brought up.

But, to my surprise, Penelope didn't punch me in the arm. She didn't tell me to shut up. She sighed. “I miss having a place to be, a home.” That was true for everyone. “And not just a house, Charlie. I miss feeling the safety and comfort of a home. I miss knowing I had a place to go when the day was bad, a place I could call my own.”

I nodded, placing my hand on her shoulder, although I stared at her hand. We never hold hands anymore. The only time our fingers have entwined is if we were pulling each other out of danger.

“What do you miss, Charlie?”

I blinked, a blush creeping its way up my cheeks. “I miss... you.”
Penelope's eyes widened and she looked at me. “Don't be ridiculous,” she turned her attention back to the window. “I'm right here.”

“Your body's here, but you're not. I haven't talked to the real Penelope since before everything went down. You don't touch me, you don't say 'I love you' anymore, you're not wearing the ring.”

Penelope's left hand flexed subconsciously. “I lost it,” she whispered.

“It's in your gun holster,” I corrected. “Penelope, you had a dream in your eyes and a smile on your face. What happened?”

“The world went to shit, Charlie. That's what happened. Why can't you wake up and realize that we're all going to die, torn apart by the people who used to be our friends, our neighbors, our family?”

“That's not going to happen, Penelope. We're smart, we're safe. We need each other, I need you.”

She stopped the RV, put it in park. “I change my mind,” she growled, her face in a scary calm expression. “You can drive.” With that, she stood and walked to the sleeping quarters, slamming the door shut. I looked at the silver band on my ring finger, my face scrunching up. I ripped it off and shoved it in my pocket.

Maybe it was better not to care. It makes it easier when all your friends get eaten by the dead.