Lunacy
Lucid Dream
Kaoru – December 27, 2010
I hate people that remind me of myself. I despise it. And right at this very moment, Die was showing a lot of my qualities, and it was really getting on my nerves. I do realize that the only reason he is being so bothersome is because he cares about my wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean walk into my room every five minutes and ask about my mood.
I don’t know why I’m in such an insufferable mood today; I just woke up and felt out of my sorts. Nothing is going to help solve me for the day, and all I usually do is sulk anyway – so I’m not seeing the big problem.
Ever since the guys found Die’s old key to my apartment, they have stopped every single day for the past week. It was alright at first, I was starting to slowly warm up to their gestures; and I might have even said a word or two. As time went on, and they stayed longer and longer each time, it began to feel overwhelming and like I was nothing but a burden on them. Who was I to keep them from their daily lives? I never spoke a word to them, I hardly moved around, and the only emotion I showed anymore was sadness. The worst part, though, was whenever the guys were over it just reminded me of Shinya. I knew he was gone, and never coming back, but it almost felt like he was there with us. Maybe it was old memories of the band coming back again, or maybe it was just out of habit. A habit, just like feeling Shinya lie next to me every night.
I was constantly at an internal conflict with myself, I wanted to go out to forget my problems and dead lover, but I didn’t have the energy or will to bring myself out of the house. I had turned into a complete shut in, and I hated myself for it. But, then again, it was the only thing that brought me comfort anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore, or if I even wanted to continue to find the purpose of it. The only thing I ever was good at was playing music; and now that is gone. Even when Dir en grey broke up, Shinya was always there to comfort me. When I got depressed, he’d tell me that there were other things to look forward to in life, and that we never know what is coming next. Sadly, for him, he really didn’t know what was coming next, when we were driving together. We were in a tragic car accident, and after a few days of being sickly at the hospital, Shinya died. The worst part about it was that I wasn’t even there when it happened.
My door cracked open yet again, and I looked up from my bed, sighing. “Hey, Kaoru,” Die began, poking his dark-haired head into the room, “Toshiya just finished dinner and we were wondering if you’d want to join us.” He gave me a small smile, but I could tell that the ‘wondering’ wasn’t really an option, dinner was a mandatory.
I lightly nodded my head and headed out the door with Die.
. . .
Kyo – December 28, 2010
“Hey… Toshiya…” I lightly nudged his shoulder. “Toshiya,” I nudged his shoulder harder than last time
He came back to reality and stopped staring into space. “What?” he asked, sounding confused.
“You zoned out again… you keep randomly staring off.” For the past few weeks, Toshiya just couldn’t keep his grip on reality. I don’t know what his problem has been. We are all just as worried about Kaoru, and none of us have been getting any sleep either. No one else felt the need to act like a zombie and stare off into random directions all the time.
He looked over at me and gave a nervous laugh and nodded his head. What the hell would he have to be nervous about? Most of the time I don’t even question Toshiya and his actions, there’s seldom any reason in them anyway.
I decided to ignore Toshiya and get back to the dinner that he had prepared. It was nothing special, chicken with a mushroom sauce, rice and a small salad with ginger dressing. It was good for the time being, it was all I had eaten all day, and probably all that Kaoru had left in his house. He hadn’t left it for a good four weeks, actually. The guys and I were going to go out and get some groceries for him tomorrow morning. We probably wouldn’t need to buy too much, Kaoru hardly ate anything at all; I think out of the entire dinner, he had eaten two bites of chicken, a few grains of rice and one piece of lettuce.
I can always understand a good heartbreak; I’ve been through a few in my lifetime. Just to keep it nice and simple, people are dicks. But, I guess in Kaoru’s case, it wasn’t his or Shinya’s fault, it was everyone else’s. Never had losing one person ever traumatized me as much as it did to him. I would mope around the house and do other self-destructive activities for maybe a week or so, until I blocked them out of my mind and forgot about it. Every one of us knew how much he cared about Shinya. When you saw the two of them together, it was very obvious. Kaoru would do absolutely anything for him; he would have gladly given up his life for Shinya any day. Maybe he’s been feeling guilty this entire time – he probably accused himself of Shinya’s death. What did I know, I was never one to psychoanalyze people.
“Hey, Kyo!”
I turned my head into the kitchen. “What do you want, Die?”
“Can you help me with the dishes?”
I guess I got lost in my train of thought, most of the dishes were gone from the table, and Toshiya was already getting a small dessert together. I slowly walked to where Die was and reluctantly helped him clean off the plates. There weren’t too many dishes to be cleaned, but it was still always a chore.
As I finished the last dish and was walking over to the table for dessert, I could have sworn I felt a cold breeze go through the room and up my spine.
. . .
Toshiya – December 29, 2010
“Shit…” I mumbled as I heaved the heavy grocery bags out of my car’s trunk. “Why couldn’t any of the other guys help me with this?” I said to no one in particular, considering I was the only one here. I mocked Die’s voice, “’Oh, Toshiya, you should take the groceries back to Kaoru’s house, I’m busy.’ ‘You know how Kyo gets, Toshiya!’” I rolled my eyes. “Bullshit.”
I slowly lugged the arm full of groceries up the apartment stairs and up to Kaoru’s door. “Why does he need to live on the fourth floor?” I huffed before putting the bags down onto the ground.
As soon as I unlocked the door, I practically ran to the kitchen counters to drop the dozens of pounds from my arm. “Finally…” I sighed. I looked around the house, and unusually, Kaoru was nowhere to be seen. Usually around this time, he’s sitting on his couch watching his TV or just aimlessly wandering through the house, opening and closing cupboards as if he is in search of something.
I carefully walked myself through his apartment; just to be sure that I wasn’t missing him around a corner or that he wasn’t doing something too self-destructive. He had a really nasty gash on his arm a few weeks back, apparently from a smashed picture frame. His room was an absolute mess, almost everything was broken. It took everyone almost four hours to get all of the glass and other assorted pieces off the ground.
Kaoru was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t want to open up the door to his room; I knew he hated it when Die always intruded on his space. I don’t blame him, I hate it myself. Deciding I would be nice, I turned around to put Kaoru’s groceries away. I mean, if he can barely get himself up to come to dinner with us, chances are he isn’t going to be too motivated to put away a bunch of food that he isn’t going to eat.
There it was. I stopped in my tracks. That cool breeze that I always feel wafting through this apartment. The feelings always sent chills through my entire body. I haven’t seen Shinya quite as clear as I did a week or two back. I might sound crazy to anyone but myself, but I always think that I can feel him. I’ve been able to see very small strange reflections in the in-between time, but I usually convinced myself that they were nothing. We all missed Shinya. I didn’t want to end up driving myself too crazy; if I actually saw him or not.
I sighed as I pulled out a bag of carrots and put them into his fridge. We ended up getting a lot more groceries than needed, and they were going to take forever to unload. Kaoru had so many cabinets in his house, I’m sure there was a small compartment I had to find for everything in a bag.
A small chill went through me and I shivered, dropping the bag of potato chips that was in my hand. It crunched upon making impact with the ground, and slid a few feet behind me. I quietly cursed and rolled my eyes, turning around to pick up the now flattened bag of chips.
As soon as I stood up, the bag dropped from my hands again. But, this time, I didn’t lean down to pick it up.
Standing right in front of me, almost as if he was never gone, was Shinya. I couldn’t breathe, my throat was completely dry, and it felt like I was paralyzed. Unlike the last time, he didn’t disappear after a few moments. He stayed right there, lightly swaying back and forth on his heel.
. . .
Shinya – December 21, 2010
Maybe my daydreams weren’t for nothing. Maybe I wasn’t hoping for something so unreachable. Maybe I might actually get a second chance.
Toshiya stood in front of me, completely frozen. His eyes were as big as walnuts, and his mouth was wide open. I sure hoped he wasn’t going to pass out; this might be one of my only chances to actually communicate with someone.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to let he regain his composure, but it seemed like he had been standing there forever. I guess when you don’t need to sleep or really do anything you lose your perception of time.
I slowly and carefully brought my hand from my side and waved close to Toshiya’s face. It got his attention immediately, but he still looked pretty shocked.
He squinted his eyes as if they were playing tricks on him. “Shinya?” He whispered in a raspy voice
I gave him a light smile and nodded
“But… I don’t understand. You’ve been gone for over a month now. This shouldn’t be happening… This really shouldn’t.”
“I don’t understand any more than you. I’ve been stuck in this apartment for weeks now, and still have no idea why I’m here.”
“I thought I saw you before…” he quietly mumbled to himself. “Why hasn’t anyone else been able to see you? Especially Kaoru? He never leaves this place, and apparently you don’t either.”
“I know he doesn’t leave, and it depresses me to no end. I hate seeing him like this, but I can’t do anything about it.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, Toshi,” I thought for another few seconds, “Weren’t you always whining about spirits and bad auras before? I remember you’d be complaining about how your mother used to tell you all that spiritual stuff when you were little.”
He slowly nodded his head, not quite understanding where I was going with this.
“Everyone else used to laugh at you for being so paranoid about it; you were obviously the most superstitious one.”
His head lightly bobbed up and down again, seeming to slowly connect two and two together. I didn’t feel like waiting for that to happen, though.
“Where I’m going with this is that you were more spiritually aware than the other guys. That’s probably the reason why you can see me. If you claimed to have slightly seen me before, maybe that sparked a feeling inside you or something. I don’t really know, all that matters right now is that you can see me.”
His eyes lit up, finally getting the idea. “Hey, speaking of Kaoru,” He leaned back onto the countertop, “Maybe you and I can help him. Since I’m the only one that can see and hear you, I could always comfort him and maybe put him at ease with what you tell me to do.”
“He never listened to what you said, even before I died.”
“Okay, okay, fair enough. What if I tried to get him to believe in ghosts? I could just stay here all day and he would have to listen to my ramblings. I know he isn’t going to be leaving the apartment any time soon. Even if he sees the slightest glimpse of you, I’m sure it would help him, or help him to see you even more.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s a longshot, but I don’t see why we couldn’t try. And I wouldn’t mind having you camp out here for a few days… it gets awfully lonely not being able to talk to anyone or interact with anything.”
“Great!” He smiled. I guess he was already perfectly fine with the idea that his dead ex-band mate is talking to him. “I’ll go run back to my place to grab a few things I’ll need to stay here.” Maybe what his mom taught him wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
. . .
Kaoru – December 30, 2010
I wandered around the apartment, looking for what rooms Toshiya wasn’t in. He’s been going on and on about all this spirit crap again, and I really don’t want to hear it. Die or Kyo haven’t stopped by for a few days either, and to be honest, I almost miss Die a little bit.
Toshiya knows that the word dead is incredibly touchy for me. It should be avoided at all costs in conversation. I should have gotten over Shinya at least a little bit, but nothing has been helping. It wasn’t necessarily all my fault, and the guys were just going to have to deal with that.
Every single time that I saw him, he started to lecture me about spirits, or ghosts. I don’t know why he was being so damn persistent.
I jumped a little bit when he walked into the living room. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch, figuring that I would just give in to his tactics and make him happy. Not only that, but hopefully make him stop. I still didn’t reply when he talked to me, so I’m not entirely sure why he kept trying.
“Hey,” he said while smiling and sitting down next to me.
I curtly nodded my head as he sat down next to me.
“So…” he slowly began. I knew exactly where this was going, so I reclined back into the couch. I wanted to be comfortable for this hour long lecture. No one else in the band believed in supernatural entities or beings, and he knew that. Why he was pushing it now, I’ll never know. “I know you’re probably completely annoyed at me for ranting to you about spirits and auras and sleeping at your house…” Toshiya softly trailed off, and looked as if he was deep in thought. I let a very small smile leak out. It was the first smile that I actually let come out for the first time in months. Leave it to Toshiya to actually make me happy. “But, today, do you think that you could listen? I’m gonna talk about a little bit of a different topic…” He said it like he was a teacher lecturing a class.
I suppose there was no harm in actually listening to what he had to say. When he talked to me, usually all I would start to daydream, or think of how miserable I was. I’m aware it isn’t good for me at all, but when I get depressed, I have the type of personality where I can’t get it off of my mind and all I do is wallow in my own hatred. It’s a horrible habit, and I can’t break it. I nodded my head yet again, still not in the mood to talk.
“Well, some people say that you don’t experience supernatural phenomenon unless you actually believe it. Now, I know that I could give you a myriad of examples and tell you a load of bull you wouldn’t believe, but I’m not going to say anything more. All that I want you to do, is please, just think about the topic. It won’t hurt you to ponder it, right? You can’t totally knock down an idea until you’ve tried it and you’ve been able to completely prove it false.” He exhaled loudly and closed his eyes for a few seconds. “It would mean the world to me if you would just keep this on your mind for the next day or two.”
I looked at him, with a raised eyebrow.
“Please, just trust and believe me on this.” He lightly raised himself from the couch and disappeared into another room.
As much as I hated to admit it, Toshiya was right. I really hadn’t looked into anything dealing with ghosts; I just didn’t like the idea, and decided not to believe it. I was interested into looking into it, but the stubborn part of me still didn’t want to admit I was wrong.
. . .
I rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. 3 A.M.
Toshiya was going to be waking me up in a few hours, as usual. He thought it was a fun idea to get me up early, because ‘A fresh start on the day makes for a positive attitude!’ or something stupid like that. Tonight was one of those nights again; where I was stuck in my own mind. Sometimes I would just simply pace around my room for hours, in lack of having anything better to do. Since I didn’t feel like getting up tonight, I just stayed where I was and thought.
Being unresponsive to everything around you made you notice a lot more things – like the small gestures people make when they lie, or how silence really does have a significant sound. It has only been Toshiya and me for the past few days, and I actually had gotten to know him a lot better. The fact that he would do this for me really does mean a lot. He’s taking time out of his life to tend to me. Thinking about how much my friends do for me really does make me feel like a selfish and greedy bastard. Probably because I am.
Whatever my mind races to, it just makes me hate myself even more. There isn’t one topic I can dwell on before it traces back to me, and what’s wrong with me. Any good memories with my friends have Shinya included, and that just opens new wounds and makes old ones worse. Nothing happy has happened recently, so there is nothing to reflect on there either.
I tightly closed my eyes, and thought as hard as I could. I needed to get my mind off of myself and everything I’ve done wrong. I let my thoughts race for a few moments, trying to find something.
The only thing that I could think of was the advice that Toshiya had given me. ‘Please, just trust and believe me on this.’ I actually hadn’t given what he said a second thought the entire day. Everything went on as normal, and I didn’t mutter a single word.
Maybe he’s right
Maybe the problem is just me
Maybe I am a hypocrite
Whatever the problem or situation was, it had to do with me, and this was the one thing I was willing to fix. I needed to let my pride down and admit I was wrong.
I deeply exhaled and cleared my mind. I gave what Toshiya told me a good think. I mean, there is a chance that I could be wrong. If Toshiya was right it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe I am wrong. What if we aren’t always alone?
I hate people that remind me of myself. I despise it. And right at this very moment, Die was showing a lot of my qualities, and it was really getting on my nerves. I do realize that the only reason he is being so bothersome is because he cares about my wellbeing, but that doesn’t mean walk into my room every five minutes and ask about my mood.
I don’t know why I’m in such an insufferable mood today; I just woke up and felt out of my sorts. Nothing is going to help solve me for the day, and all I usually do is sulk anyway – so I’m not seeing the big problem.
Ever since the guys found Die’s old key to my apartment, they have stopped every single day for the past week. It was alright at first, I was starting to slowly warm up to their gestures; and I might have even said a word or two. As time went on, and they stayed longer and longer each time, it began to feel overwhelming and like I was nothing but a burden on them. Who was I to keep them from their daily lives? I never spoke a word to them, I hardly moved around, and the only emotion I showed anymore was sadness. The worst part, though, was whenever the guys were over it just reminded me of Shinya. I knew he was gone, and never coming back, but it almost felt like he was there with us. Maybe it was old memories of the band coming back again, or maybe it was just out of habit. A habit, just like feeling Shinya lie next to me every night.
I was constantly at an internal conflict with myself, I wanted to go out to forget my problems and dead lover, but I didn’t have the energy or will to bring myself out of the house. I had turned into a complete shut in, and I hated myself for it. But, then again, it was the only thing that brought me comfort anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore, or if I even wanted to continue to find the purpose of it. The only thing I ever was good at was playing music; and now that is gone. Even when Dir en grey broke up, Shinya was always there to comfort me. When I got depressed, he’d tell me that there were other things to look forward to in life, and that we never know what is coming next. Sadly, for him, he really didn’t know what was coming next, when we were driving together. We were in a tragic car accident, and after a few days of being sickly at the hospital, Shinya died. The worst part about it was that I wasn’t even there when it happened.
My door cracked open yet again, and I looked up from my bed, sighing. “Hey, Kaoru,” Die began, poking his dark-haired head into the room, “Toshiya just finished dinner and we were wondering if you’d want to join us.” He gave me a small smile, but I could tell that the ‘wondering’ wasn’t really an option, dinner was a mandatory.
I lightly nodded my head and headed out the door with Die.
. . .
Kyo – December 28, 2010
“Hey… Toshiya…” I lightly nudged his shoulder. “Toshiya,” I nudged his shoulder harder than last time
He came back to reality and stopped staring into space. “What?” he asked, sounding confused.
“You zoned out again… you keep randomly staring off.” For the past few weeks, Toshiya just couldn’t keep his grip on reality. I don’t know what his problem has been. We are all just as worried about Kaoru, and none of us have been getting any sleep either. No one else felt the need to act like a zombie and stare off into random directions all the time.
He looked over at me and gave a nervous laugh and nodded his head. What the hell would he have to be nervous about? Most of the time I don’t even question Toshiya and his actions, there’s seldom any reason in them anyway.
I decided to ignore Toshiya and get back to the dinner that he had prepared. It was nothing special, chicken with a mushroom sauce, rice and a small salad with ginger dressing. It was good for the time being, it was all I had eaten all day, and probably all that Kaoru had left in his house. He hadn’t left it for a good four weeks, actually. The guys and I were going to go out and get some groceries for him tomorrow morning. We probably wouldn’t need to buy too much, Kaoru hardly ate anything at all; I think out of the entire dinner, he had eaten two bites of chicken, a few grains of rice and one piece of lettuce.
I can always understand a good heartbreak; I’ve been through a few in my lifetime. Just to keep it nice and simple, people are dicks. But, I guess in Kaoru’s case, it wasn’t his or Shinya’s fault, it was everyone else’s. Never had losing one person ever traumatized me as much as it did to him. I would mope around the house and do other self-destructive activities for maybe a week or so, until I blocked them out of my mind and forgot about it. Every one of us knew how much he cared about Shinya. When you saw the two of them together, it was very obvious. Kaoru would do absolutely anything for him; he would have gladly given up his life for Shinya any day. Maybe he’s been feeling guilty this entire time – he probably accused himself of Shinya’s death. What did I know, I was never one to psychoanalyze people.
“Hey, Kyo!”
I turned my head into the kitchen. “What do you want, Die?”
“Can you help me with the dishes?”
I guess I got lost in my train of thought, most of the dishes were gone from the table, and Toshiya was already getting a small dessert together. I slowly walked to where Die was and reluctantly helped him clean off the plates. There weren’t too many dishes to be cleaned, but it was still always a chore.
As I finished the last dish and was walking over to the table for dessert, I could have sworn I felt a cold breeze go through the room and up my spine.
. . .
Toshiya – December 29, 2010
“Shit…” I mumbled as I heaved the heavy grocery bags out of my car’s trunk. “Why couldn’t any of the other guys help me with this?” I said to no one in particular, considering I was the only one here. I mocked Die’s voice, “’Oh, Toshiya, you should take the groceries back to Kaoru’s house, I’m busy.’ ‘You know how Kyo gets, Toshiya!’” I rolled my eyes. “Bullshit.”
I slowly lugged the arm full of groceries up the apartment stairs and up to Kaoru’s door. “Why does he need to live on the fourth floor?” I huffed before putting the bags down onto the ground.
As soon as I unlocked the door, I practically ran to the kitchen counters to drop the dozens of pounds from my arm. “Finally…” I sighed. I looked around the house, and unusually, Kaoru was nowhere to be seen. Usually around this time, he’s sitting on his couch watching his TV or just aimlessly wandering through the house, opening and closing cupboards as if he is in search of something.
I carefully walked myself through his apartment; just to be sure that I wasn’t missing him around a corner or that he wasn’t doing something too self-destructive. He had a really nasty gash on his arm a few weeks back, apparently from a smashed picture frame. His room was an absolute mess, almost everything was broken. It took everyone almost four hours to get all of the glass and other assorted pieces off the ground.
Kaoru was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t want to open up the door to his room; I knew he hated it when Die always intruded on his space. I don’t blame him, I hate it myself. Deciding I would be nice, I turned around to put Kaoru’s groceries away. I mean, if he can barely get himself up to come to dinner with us, chances are he isn’t going to be too motivated to put away a bunch of food that he isn’t going to eat.
There it was. I stopped in my tracks. That cool breeze that I always feel wafting through this apartment. The feelings always sent chills through my entire body. I haven’t seen Shinya quite as clear as I did a week or two back. I might sound crazy to anyone but myself, but I always think that I can feel him. I’ve been able to see very small strange reflections in the in-between time, but I usually convinced myself that they were nothing. We all missed Shinya. I didn’t want to end up driving myself too crazy; if I actually saw him or not.
I sighed as I pulled out a bag of carrots and put them into his fridge. We ended up getting a lot more groceries than needed, and they were going to take forever to unload. Kaoru had so many cabinets in his house, I’m sure there was a small compartment I had to find for everything in a bag.
A small chill went through me and I shivered, dropping the bag of potato chips that was in my hand. It crunched upon making impact with the ground, and slid a few feet behind me. I quietly cursed and rolled my eyes, turning around to pick up the now flattened bag of chips.
As soon as I stood up, the bag dropped from my hands again. But, this time, I didn’t lean down to pick it up.
Standing right in front of me, almost as if he was never gone, was Shinya. I couldn’t breathe, my throat was completely dry, and it felt like I was paralyzed. Unlike the last time, he didn’t disappear after a few moments. He stayed right there, lightly swaying back and forth on his heel.
. . .
Shinya – December 21, 2010
Maybe my daydreams weren’t for nothing. Maybe I wasn’t hoping for something so unreachable. Maybe I might actually get a second chance.
Toshiya stood in front of me, completely frozen. His eyes were as big as walnuts, and his mouth was wide open. I sure hoped he wasn’t going to pass out; this might be one of my only chances to actually communicate with someone.
I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to let he regain his composure, but it seemed like he had been standing there forever. I guess when you don’t need to sleep or really do anything you lose your perception of time.
I slowly and carefully brought my hand from my side and waved close to Toshiya’s face. It got his attention immediately, but he still looked pretty shocked.
He squinted his eyes as if they were playing tricks on him. “Shinya?” He whispered in a raspy voice
I gave him a light smile and nodded
“But… I don’t understand. You’ve been gone for over a month now. This shouldn’t be happening… This really shouldn’t.”
“I don’t understand any more than you. I’ve been stuck in this apartment for weeks now, and still have no idea why I’m here.”
“I thought I saw you before…” he quietly mumbled to himself. “Why hasn’t anyone else been able to see you? Especially Kaoru? He never leaves this place, and apparently you don’t either.”
“I know he doesn’t leave, and it depresses me to no end. I hate seeing him like this, but I can’t do anything about it.” I thought for a moment. “Wait, Toshi,” I thought for another few seconds, “Weren’t you always whining about spirits and bad auras before? I remember you’d be complaining about how your mother used to tell you all that spiritual stuff when you were little.”
He slowly nodded his head, not quite understanding where I was going with this.
“Everyone else used to laugh at you for being so paranoid about it; you were obviously the most superstitious one.”
His head lightly bobbed up and down again, seeming to slowly connect two and two together. I didn’t feel like waiting for that to happen, though.
“Where I’m going with this is that you were more spiritually aware than the other guys. That’s probably the reason why you can see me. If you claimed to have slightly seen me before, maybe that sparked a feeling inside you or something. I don’t really know, all that matters right now is that you can see me.”
His eyes lit up, finally getting the idea. “Hey, speaking of Kaoru,” He leaned back onto the countertop, “Maybe you and I can help him. Since I’m the only one that can see and hear you, I could always comfort him and maybe put him at ease with what you tell me to do.”
“He never listened to what you said, even before I died.”
“Okay, okay, fair enough. What if I tried to get him to believe in ghosts? I could just stay here all day and he would have to listen to my ramblings. I know he isn’t going to be leaving the apartment any time soon. Even if he sees the slightest glimpse of you, I’m sure it would help him, or help him to see you even more.”
I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s a longshot, but I don’t see why we couldn’t try. And I wouldn’t mind having you camp out here for a few days… it gets awfully lonely not being able to talk to anyone or interact with anything.”
“Great!” He smiled. I guess he was already perfectly fine with the idea that his dead ex-band mate is talking to him. “I’ll go run back to my place to grab a few things I’ll need to stay here.” Maybe what his mom taught him wasn’t such a bad thing after all.
. . .
Kaoru – December 30, 2010
I wandered around the apartment, looking for what rooms Toshiya wasn’t in. He’s been going on and on about all this spirit crap again, and I really don’t want to hear it. Die or Kyo haven’t stopped by for a few days either, and to be honest, I almost miss Die a little bit.
Toshiya knows that the word dead is incredibly touchy for me. It should be avoided at all costs in conversation. I should have gotten over Shinya at least a little bit, but nothing has been helping. It wasn’t necessarily all my fault, and the guys were just going to have to deal with that.
Every single time that I saw him, he started to lecture me about spirits, or ghosts. I don’t know why he was being so damn persistent.
I jumped a little bit when he walked into the living room. I rolled my eyes and sat down on the couch, figuring that I would just give in to his tactics and make him happy. Not only that, but hopefully make him stop. I still didn’t reply when he talked to me, so I’m not entirely sure why he kept trying.
“Hey,” he said while smiling and sitting down next to me.
I curtly nodded my head as he sat down next to me.
“So…” he slowly began. I knew exactly where this was going, so I reclined back into the couch. I wanted to be comfortable for this hour long lecture. No one else in the band believed in supernatural entities or beings, and he knew that. Why he was pushing it now, I’ll never know. “I know you’re probably completely annoyed at me for ranting to you about spirits and auras and sleeping at your house…” Toshiya softly trailed off, and looked as if he was deep in thought. I let a very small smile leak out. It was the first smile that I actually let come out for the first time in months. Leave it to Toshiya to actually make me happy. “But, today, do you think that you could listen? I’m gonna talk about a little bit of a different topic…” He said it like he was a teacher lecturing a class.
I suppose there was no harm in actually listening to what he had to say. When he talked to me, usually all I would start to daydream, or think of how miserable I was. I’m aware it isn’t good for me at all, but when I get depressed, I have the type of personality where I can’t get it off of my mind and all I do is wallow in my own hatred. It’s a horrible habit, and I can’t break it. I nodded my head yet again, still not in the mood to talk.
“Well, some people say that you don’t experience supernatural phenomenon unless you actually believe it. Now, I know that I could give you a myriad of examples and tell you a load of bull you wouldn’t believe, but I’m not going to say anything more. All that I want you to do, is please, just think about the topic. It won’t hurt you to ponder it, right? You can’t totally knock down an idea until you’ve tried it and you’ve been able to completely prove it false.” He exhaled loudly and closed his eyes for a few seconds. “It would mean the world to me if you would just keep this on your mind for the next day or two.”
I looked at him, with a raised eyebrow.
“Please, just trust and believe me on this.” He lightly raised himself from the couch and disappeared into another room.
As much as I hated to admit it, Toshiya was right. I really hadn’t looked into anything dealing with ghosts; I just didn’t like the idea, and decided not to believe it. I was interested into looking into it, but the stubborn part of me still didn’t want to admit I was wrong.
. . .
I rolled over in bed and looked at the clock. 3 A.M.
Toshiya was going to be waking me up in a few hours, as usual. He thought it was a fun idea to get me up early, because ‘A fresh start on the day makes for a positive attitude!’ or something stupid like that. Tonight was one of those nights again; where I was stuck in my own mind. Sometimes I would just simply pace around my room for hours, in lack of having anything better to do. Since I didn’t feel like getting up tonight, I just stayed where I was and thought.
Being unresponsive to everything around you made you notice a lot more things – like the small gestures people make when they lie, or how silence really does have a significant sound. It has only been Toshiya and me for the past few days, and I actually had gotten to know him a lot better. The fact that he would do this for me really does mean a lot. He’s taking time out of his life to tend to me. Thinking about how much my friends do for me really does make me feel like a selfish and greedy bastard. Probably because I am.
Whatever my mind races to, it just makes me hate myself even more. There isn’t one topic I can dwell on before it traces back to me, and what’s wrong with me. Any good memories with my friends have Shinya included, and that just opens new wounds and makes old ones worse. Nothing happy has happened recently, so there is nothing to reflect on there either.
I tightly closed my eyes, and thought as hard as I could. I needed to get my mind off of myself and everything I’ve done wrong. I let my thoughts race for a few moments, trying to find something.
The only thing that I could think of was the advice that Toshiya had given me. ‘Please, just trust and believe me on this.’ I actually hadn’t given what he said a second thought the entire day. Everything went on as normal, and I didn’t mutter a single word.
Maybe he’s right
Maybe the problem is just me
Maybe I am a hypocrite
Whatever the problem or situation was, it had to do with me, and this was the one thing I was willing to fix. I needed to let my pride down and admit I was wrong.
I deeply exhaled and cleared my mind. I gave what Toshiya told me a good think. I mean, there is a chance that I could be wrong. If Toshiya was right it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Maybe I am wrong. What if we aren’t always alone?