The Past That Blinds (1 of 3)

I'm simply standing off to one side as the company are less than pleased with the vegetables that the elves had served them for dinner, or of the music for that mater, Dwalin asking where the meat is. Causing me to chuckle a little. But I don't think that they really enjoy being here. I don't blame them, but it does put a little weight on my shoulders and make me feel more like they do ignore or forget the fact that I am half elf. Thorin excuses himself and stands off to the side, I can't help but glance over at him and as I do I notice him looking at me, slightly, trying not to show it. As I notice and he notices me look at him, we both look away.

“Alright Lads there's only one thing for it” Bofur says as he stands up, catching my attention, thankfully. He goes over and stands on a small decorative pedestal in the middle of the small coffee tables that were brought in for the dwarves to sit on, and he starts singing.
"There's... An..."
The dwarves laugh a little and cheer when they realise what he is singing, I see Thorin smiling and chuckling, an expression I have not seen from him this entire journey so far.
"Inn, there's an inn.
There's a merry old inn
Beneath an old grey hill
And there they brew a beer so brown
The Man in the Moon"
I smile and remember the song and everyone, including myself join in singing, and food starts getting thrown around. Cutlery gets tapped on the table and plates, even glasses, and Bifur includes his own head as other stamp their feet.
"Himself came down
One night
To drink his fill"
I catch myself tapping my foot a little in tune looking around at the elves who are unsure what to make of dwarvish songs, they can't fault the singing, Bofur has a great singing voice.
"Oh
The ostler has a tipsy cat
That played a five-stringed fiddle
And up and down he saws his bow
Now squeaking high
Now purring low
Now sawing in the middle"
I look around at the dwarves and even notice Thorin smiling and tapping his foot to the beat, whilst drinking from his flask.
"So
The cat on the fiddle
Played hey-diddle-diddle
A drink that'll wake the dead
He squeaked and he sawed
And he quickened
The tune
And the landlord
Shook the Man
In the Moon
'it's after Three!' he said."
We all cheer and Thorin, seeming to be in a plesant mood, inclines his head at me, I raise my glass and incline my head in return, respectfully, smiling and taking a drink before quickly having to dodge a projectile carrot.

The elves do not seem very impressed with what dwarves call entertainment, myself on the other-hand prefer dwarvish entertainment, even the flying food. But I was raised surrounded by dwarves, and I can't help but laugh as I look around at the faces of the elves.

I was given my old room to stay in and accepted it, but I haven't spent much time in it yet, I've been walking around the gardens, admittedly I've been upset, being here has brought the memories flooding back,
I hear a lot of shouting and follow the sounds and see what all the hilarity is about, it's the dwarves, obviously, this place it usually tranquil, and we all know what dwarves are like. I'm thankful I am at a distance, I would rather not be any closer to naked dwarves as they are swimming and diving into one of the large fountains. I pray that Lord Elrond doesn't see them and I quickly turn and walk away, I've seen enough of naked dwarves albeit distant naked dwarves. Once I am a good distance away from the dwarves I start heading to a place where I can just sit and think, and battle the memories that are clawing to get out and onto the surface. I turn and walk around a corner, my fight is failing against the memories and because I'm concentrating on my thoughts and not on my surrounding I bump into someone, with the speed I was walking and the force of the other person I ended up facing the opposite way than I was walking and looking right at Thorin. I'm surprised and as I see his face I feel my walls break. I apologise quickly as I turn away and continue to walk feeling my tears filling my eyes. Seeing him while in that state of mind completely knocked me off my supports.

A few hours later I am in a courtyard standing in front of a memorial statue, the only sound is the trickling of water features. It's dark now, the sun set about an hour ago. Everything is just piling up into a crushing weight that I feel in my chest.
“I thought you would be here” Lord Elrond says softly from behind me. I turn around and bow respectfully, and to my embarrassment, surprise “The memories are resurfacing I assume” he says as he is walking towards me.
“Yes, and no matter how I try I can not get them out of my mind again” I sigh. I dread to think of the nightmares that are going to follow. Usually they're bad anyway, but now the memories are back and I'm not intoxicated through alcohol consumption, they're torture.

“I worry for you, you are like a daughter to me, you know this. Which is why I am wondering if you think this quest is really worth it?” Ahh, he's worked it out I guess, or been told. “You have been here less than half a day and you are already troubled, I do not like the thought of what pain Erebor will bring to you, you will not be able to hide it forever” he says taking hold of my shoulders. I don't try and hide my tears from Elrond, he's one of the few people that I completely trust. He did save my life after all. He tries to comfort me by gently hugging me reassuringly. He must know that Thorin is being difficult because of his hatred for elves

***

Wargs are snapping and snarling, they can't get through the gap in the rock thankfully, the cold stone against my ripped and bloody shirt is numbing the large claw wound on my back. One of the creatures managed to clip me as my mother and I had taken cover within the safety of this small cave. My mother and myself can catch our breath confident that the warg can't get in. The cave is small but large enough for a small group of people and looks to have been used as a temporary campsite, but not for very many years. There are a few bones around and a few of them look as though they were sharpened. I pick one up that is near me, falling to my knees as I move. Feeling weak from the blood-loss and travelling I have to really force myself to make any motion. I look around for anything useful, even though every movement is agony for my back and my muscles in general I can't afford to just give up, I've lost my father to these wargs already, I can not loose my mother to them too. I see a few long sticks around and shuffle over to them on my knees and pick one up and creating a makeshift spear, using a string from my clothes to tie it together as my mother fusses over my back. Using a few herbs we have found on our journey. She grabs a stone, that has a slight bowl shape to it and starts to mash them into a paste using another stone.
Using my makeshift spear as a prop to help myself stand up, I move over to the warg that is still snapping and snarling at the entrance, using the wall as a support. I gather most of the strength I have left and raise the spear before stabbing the warg. It yelps and I stab it again before it retreats from the cave mouth. I sigh relieved and fall to my knees. My mother hurries over to me as I lean against my spear and she quickly puts the paste on my back. I hiss a little at the cold contact and the pain it causes but it quickly starts soothing it. She speaks reassuringly but I can't make out what she's saying, the pain and the dizziness has now blocked out my senses and everything feels like it is going in slow motion and my ears are ringing. I don't even realise that I have fallen onto my side until the darkness starts clouding my vision.
I wake up with a jolt as I see my father getting pounced on and torn apart by two wargs. A few seconds later the pain hits me with blinding force causing me to struggle breathing and screw my face up tightly in agony. The paste on my back had hardened and because I moved suddenly and split the wounds that were healing, the blood contacting the hardened paste caused the healing properties of the herbs to react and start to numb it almost instantly. I feel a hand on my shoulder and the soothing voice of my mother, I look at her when the pain starts to fade. Clean streaks down her dirty face gives away that she had been crying, no doubt worrying about me and mourning for my father I blink painfully and look out of the gap
“How long has it been?” I ask noticing it's light outside, just like it was when I lost contentiousness.
“About two hours” she replies softly. I'm surprised so I start to get up but she stops me
“We can not stay here mother, I need to get you home” She reluctantly nods and starts to stand up. We had been travelling towards Rivendell, with what money we had we bought supplies at the villages we passed, at one place my mother had to sell all her jewellery, including a locket that father got her as a gift, and she even had to sell her wedding ring, even my father sold his treasured possessions 'as long as we have each other we will not need trinkets' he had said. But she now has nothing to remember him by, only memories. Helping me as she does before getting my spear and one that she had made. She had sharpened them, her hands all cut from the sharp rock she had used.
We quickly make our way across the grassy and rocky land making good time. Since I have never been to Rivendell my mother is leading. Then we hear a howl in the distance from where we came. Wargs. I curse and she urges us to run, they will no doubt catch our scent soon. And is if our luck could not get any worse one jumps in front of us from behind a group of rocks. We skid to a stop on the dusty ground and the warg crouches in an aggressive stance and starts to slowly walk towards us, my mother pushes me behind her and holds up a spear at the warg, as do I from behind her, weakly. It growls and jumps at the both of us, my mother pushes me out of the way causing me to fall onto the floor but out of the creatures pounce. The Warg impales itself on the spear wining and flailing. I look back to see the warg fall onto it's side in pain and my mother bleeding from her shoulder, but behind her is an orc that stabs her in the lower back, I don't know where he came from, he must have also been behind the rocks. She falls to the floor as he lets her go and looks at me smiling menacingly. If I could scream I would, but in that moment I feel strength rise from deep within and I grab the makeshift spear I made and get up, I run at the orc and skewer him through the abdomen. He squeals and tries to slash me with the dagger he used on my mother but the spear is too long, I twist it causing him to roar in pain before pulling it out of him, he stumbles backwards and I sweep the spear to his feet and trip him up. Stabbing him again now that he is on the floor, I do not stop until he is no longer screeching. The frantic stabbing causes blood to splatter all over my face and front. I lean against the spear that's still embedded in the now dead orc and I just breathe heavily, realising I have killed. I start to shake and I lean off the spear and look at my hands covered in blood.
I hear howling a lot closer and I remember the warg that pounced at us and I hear a rumbling, slightly wheezy growl as it gets up, I look to it and seeing how close it is I quickly back away from it tripping over a loose rock and falling. It snarls as it slowly walks over to me, limping a little before collapsing as an arrow embeds in it's skull, killing it. I'm surprised and look around a little, unable to see anything because I'm on the floor. I crawl over to my mother, tears in my eyes and I can just make out the sound of horses hooves in the distance seemingly fighting what sounds like more wargs. To my surprise she's still alive, but barely, she's paler than she usually is, and she's cold.
“My dear girl, you are alright now” she says smiling softly, looking weary “You are safe”
The horses get close and I hear voices
Boe din eithad!” They need aid! Someone calls to the others. I turn and look in the direction my mother looks and I notice a few people hurrying to us. One of them is a tall man with long dark hair “Odulen an gin eithad” I am hear to aid you. He says softly as he crouches down to help me up, the other two helping my mother carefully
***

“I could have saved her, I could have saved the both of them... If only I was stronger, quicker... Wiser” I say softly, looking back to the statue of my mother, letting him go.
“In a way, you did save them, they live through you, they would be proud of the woman you are today, even though it is not the life they would have liked you to have. But they would not want you to blame yourself for what can not have been helped, dry your eyes, I suggest you try and get some sleep, or at least go and enjoy the party your friends seem to be having, I heard an almighty thud and then a chorus of laughter after passing their quarters” he chuckles a little. I can't help but smile a little and he hands me a handkerchief “Goodnight, Lady Chase” he says softly as he smiles, before walking away. I thank him as he leaves and wish him a goodnight before drying my eyes and looking back to my mothers statue with a small figure carved into the front of it. To most people it may look like a mother and her child, but I know that it is my mother and my father.