I Am Not Afraid

Being the youngest of any family is always the worst. But when you're brother is so important to everyone around it's hard to live up to it all. Everyday there's always at least one person saying “Why aren't you more like you're brother?” It get's heart breaking each time it's said to me.

Things weren't always this bad though. All my life I've been the little one in the spot light. Being the new baby, needing attention all the time, running around the house and getting into things like the troublemaker I was from the start, reading and writing first, making all of the friends, getting all of the spot light.

For some reason at age 16 Jakub, my brother, decided he should put out a comic book idea he had apparently been working on for a long time. The Comic House, loved it and colored it to publish it in the give away free comic day. It caught on, far to quickly. He wrote and drew more making the small dark three page free give away into a full on novelette six part series. Two years later he moved to “The Big Apple” to attend a fancy art college, for FREE. He came home saying he didn't like it, it wasn't much of his place but he'd go to the classes anyway. Four years later he graduated and I was finally able to escape all of the bullies I had gotten to know well in the hell called High School.

No one noticed and no one cared any and every time I was pushed, hit, tripped, or beaten to a pulp. By the time I was 15 I was a pro at applying make up to my own face and body. I'd watched enough makeup how to's and over heard enough conversations from girl while waiting to be saved from various lockers. It wasn't that bad though, I just thought of it as another talent I could use one day when I got out of my rut.

College, well that didn't happen for me. My parents didn't want to waste their money on me, I had no money of my own, and I wasn't good enough for scholarships, so I settled for job hunting. After a month I got a job at a bookstore in my small town. Another month later Jakub had came to visit but sadly he couldn't see under all the makeup or into my scared,sad, pleading eyes. When he left my parents kicked me out of the house, saying, “When your brother was this age he had a graphic novel already out and selling well and his second one well on it's way.” Out of anger I packed my things and left that day. I had no where to go, but I knew I couldn't go home.

I became a high school graduate, who lived on the streets and sold used books to kids that needed them for some high school class. I never was really sure if Jakub knew where I was or if his parents had lied to him about where I was. I always hoped it was that our parents lied about me but I could never be sure.

By the time I was 21 I had been raped a countless amount of times, mugged an even higher number of times and almost kill a handful of times. I still worked at the same shitty book store, with the same shitty position. Apparently the boss knew my brother's work, and always made comments on how sorry he was for my brother but he never did anything to help me get anything better in life. He found out I didn't have a home, and he said he couldn't employee me anymore. So I then became a high school graduate with nothing.
It wasn't until I was 25 had I gotten up the courage to go to one of Jakub's signings. He had 3 series out, a movie, and now he sang lead in some band. I heard he had a wife and child but I never looked into it. I arrived at the place early in the morning, sleep was nonexistent now a days so I figured it would be best to spend my time that way. I was wearing my Anthrax shirt, from the 11th grade, a pair of skinny jeans that had now torn into shorts, and some shoes I didn't even think were shoes anymore. I grew a bit of a beard, and my hair reached down to my shoulders. I never had been able to grow facial hair well and now I was thankful for that.

I could see Jakub from behind the line of people. He was handsome, clean, and had a smile on his face. I hadn't smiled in I couldn't even remember how long. The line took forever, Jakob listening to everyone's life story while he signed everything they brought and took a happy picture with them all.

It was my turn and I didn't know what to say. I stared down at my brother hoping he would know who I was and would finally see the dirt cover scars and dead, hopeless eyes of mine. He was looking at me and talking, but I didn't respond, I wanted him to know I was me without having to tell him my name or life story. My eyes were filled to the brim with every single tear I had held back since I was 12. After two blinks, trying to rid the tears, they poured down my face leaving me to look like the fool I was.

He still didn't know. He was asking if I was okay, offering autographs, photos, and hugs when I all I wanted was my brothers love. I couldn't take it so I ran. Running past all of the fans that looped around the building and hiding in the alley where a few guy were going through my bag that had mostly nothing in it. I was to sad to yell at them, or to try and get my things back.

I was full on crying in the alley with my back against the dirty, rotten brick wall, and my body shaking violently with my sobs. He was the only one that really mattered. The only one that I really wanted to see me. Not even he could do that so what was the point. I was a 25 year old man, with a high school diploma, a rich and famous brother, no clothes but the ones on me, no home but the streets of this dirty Jersey city, no friends but the other homeless psychopaths, and nothing ahead of him, so I ask again what was the point?
There was and is no point. I should have gotten out while I could have at age 12 when this whole thing started but since time travel still wasn't a thing I was forced to do it now and save a later me. Shards of glass littered the dirty, garbage stained floor. Still shaking while crying harder then before I bent down and picked up the best looking one. I knew it hurt, I'd done it enough, but I had nothing else.

The sharp, rainbow glowing, piece of heaven had already made it's long, sparkling red trails down my dirty gray forearms. “Wait! Stop!” I heard from the mouth of the alley. There were enough people around for me to know they probably weren't talking to me so I carried on with what I was doing, saving a life. “Stop!” The voice ordered. Just as I was going to go for one more a pale white hand with long thin fingers grabbed my dirty wrist. “Stop,” he was quieter this time, almost below a whisper and I knew who it was. “Don't do this kid, you got a whole life ahead of you,” he informed me looking deep into my eyes but not seeing what I wanted him so badly to see.

We stayed like that for a long while, just staring at one another while I prayed to a God I didn't believe in to give me hope right now and make my dreams come true. “Dominik?” He finally asked. His voice was light, as if the slightest noise was going to make us both fall through a worm hole in the ground and be separated into all the universes not known to man.

I couldn't speak, but I stared at him with eyes that I hoped would let him know that yes, it was me. He quickly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me as close as it was to him not caring about getting his white button up shirt stained. I began to cry again, happy that he finally knew where I was and cared. Or at least was very good at acting like he was caring.
“Dominik, I've missed you so much. They told me you moved away. That you didn't call or come by. If only I realized. I'm so stupid.” He rambled on and on not letting go the slightest bit.

We went to breakfast, he canceled his signing and said he'd pay for any and everything. I ate as much as I could, feeling bad but so hungry. We didn't speak until we got to his hotel and I had a shower and he wrapped my arms up nicely. I got clean clothes and even some socks before I laid curled up in the bed under the mass amount of blankets. He pulled his clothes off and put on a plain shirt with his boxers shorts before he to got in the bed and under all of the blankets. I felt his arms wrap around me and I didn't think twice about curling into his touch.

I told him what happened after he left, how everything changed and no one cared about me. I told him about graduating but not walking across the stage, about prom and not going, about never getting my license, getting kick out by my own parents, living on the streets, getting a job, getting fired, being violated, not sleeping out of fear, not eating out of lack of money, and hardly drinking any water at all. I told him how I wanted to just die and I even told him why. He was crying silently, listening to every word I had to say and not once interrupting.

When I was finished he hugged me tighter then he had all day long. “You are strong, and brave. Never be afraid to keep on living or having to sometimes walk this world alone. If you'd stay with me, nothing will ever stop me from leaving you behind.”

So with my brother by my side I cleaned up, got a college degree, and wrote a graphic novel with the amazing Jakub about two brothers that stuck together no matter how many villains got in their way. After the 25th book we got a deal and it became one of the greatest cartoons of it's time. All the money we made never amounted to all of the smiles, laughs and moments I got to SHARE with my older brother.

I'm now 40, Jakub 44, I have a wife and a baby boy on the way, while Jakub has a husband and two adopted children that him and his husband saved from an abusive home. I never thought he would be the gay type but Jakub is full of surprises, something I've found myself doing more and more.

I'm Dominik and I am not afraid to keeping on living, nor walk this world alone, nothing you can say can stop me from staying home.