Like it Was Before

"Shane, are you going to talk to me?"
I ask once we've gotten most of the water jugs filled and loaded into the back of the Jeep.
It had been on the tip of my tongue since we'd arrived, but I was too nervous to force the words out of my mouth, not at all anxious to ruin my pleasant glow.
We're taking a break, my tank top still in his floorboard in deference to the heat and he pointedly looks at my semi-exposed chest instead of my eyes.
"Don't know what you're talkin' about, Savannah," Like hell he didn't.
Abruptly, I'm infuriated-with Shane, with his bullshit answer, with the whole damn world falling to pieces around us. Needing to get away from him I strip my sneakers off and wade into the cool water up to my shins. It's beautiful out here, deep blue and secluded. I'd have liked to come here under different circumstances. Shit, I'd like to be there under different circumstances <i>now</i>.
After taking a breath and a moment to myself I whirl back around to face him, the water splashing around my legs, strong from running all these months.
"I'm 'talkin' about' how weird you've been acting lately," I challenge Shane, eyes blazing.
"About how disinterested in me you've been-" I anticipate Shane's interruption here and head it off at the pass. "Today's extracurricular activities notwithstanding. How..."
Here, I falter, almost losing my nerve, almost backing off. "about how Rick's still alive. About why you lied to everyone. That's what I'm 'talkin' about', Shane."
Why he lied to Lori is the only question I deliberately leave unasked, terrified on the answer he might give me if he's feeling honest.
"You've been acting like you can't stand me and I just don't know what to do.
Tell me what to do, Shane."
I blurt finally ending my monologue instead of fully speaking my mind. Then I turn back to face the
horizon instead of Shane, bending over to splash water in my face, on my chest, careful not to get any
in my mouth. "I love you, still." I say, back turned, hands on my knees.
It's the only way I have the courage. "So much. And I just don't know what to do."
I repeat, voice cracking as I peter out, taking big gulps of the fresh air to keep from crying.
Shane, in an unexpected move, wades into the water until he's standing behind me, wrapping his arms
around my waist, coaxing me to come out of my hunched-over position, to stand up straight.
"Savannah, I love you, too." He tells me as we both look out at the water.
"You know I do. It's just been hard on me lately, that's all."
He's avoiding the important questions, but I stay quiet, interesting in what he has to say anyhow.
"Been hard on everyone. But see, these people-these people need a leader, Savannah, someone they
can look up to and I've been trying to be that for them. But now..."
Now Rick's back. And he's stepped up.
"I'm sorry, baby," Shane says. "I'm trying here. I am."
"Okay," I say.
This is the first time in our relationship that I don't rush in after a fight, falling all over myself to reassure Shane. "You know he put down Leon Basset?"
Shane asks, out of nowhere, sounding distracted. "Bastard still has my jumper cables. Had, anyhow."
I slap a hand over my mouth at this to quell a burst of inappropriate and feel Shane's chest rumbling behind me with it. Then, he leans down kissing the crest of my shoulder, soothing me.
"It's gonna be okay. We're gonna get back to normal, girl."
Shane releases me and I let his promise pass without any comment. The fact is, none of us know what normal even is anymore. "C'mon," He turns back towards the shore, regular gruff Shane again,
"Let's get this water back to camp."