Like it Was Before

Shane's quiet at first when I've returned to our room and settled in. I'm towel-drying my hair, lost in my own thoughts as I try to calm down and almost miss Shane speaking, entirely. "I went to go see him."
"What's that, babe?" Shane sits heavily on the leather couch dominating most of the room, shirtless rubbing the back of his damp head the absolute picture of exhaustion.
"I went to go see Rick, did you know that? When everything went down, before I came for you, I went and saw Rick."
I'd known, of course I'd known, but this has the air of a confession and I keep quiet, draping my damp towel over a nearby chair. We obviously had other business to attend to, but I'd long since wondered about this, the particulars.
"I swear to God, Savannah, I thought he was dead. I put my head to his chest and I...walkers got into the hospital, Van, or turned there. Soldiers were shooting people, innocent people. It was a massacre, absolute chaos."
Shane's voice is rough and uneven, thick with un-shed tears, making me wish he hadn't drank so much.
"We don't have to talk about it-"
"No, see, we do. I listened; I listened and I couldn't find a heartbeat, nothing. Hardest thing I ever did, leaving him there. And I need to know...I need to know that you don't think any less of me, that you understand," I'd heard enough, more than enough for one night.
This was still Shane, the man I loved. "Hey," I cut him off sharply, sitting down on the arm of the couch, taking his hand which grips mine bordering on painful. "Listen to me: you did what you thought was right. I trust your judgement, okay?"
Nothing. "Okay?" I press. Shane nods and I take care to kiss his forehead softly. "I love you,"
The moment was tender, sweet, before he leans back into the couch arm around my waist, bringing me with him, the both of us landing with an 'oof'. "Let's get a cot set up and go to bed, babe," I propose, making his chest shake with laughter.
"Tried to tell you earlier-we don't need the cot, we'll sleep just like this."
Shane, stretched out, me literally on top of him length-wise.
"I want to keep you just like this. Close as I can." I kiss his chin and settle myself a little more comfortably in his arms.
"You're drunk," my protests are feeble. "And you're going to wake up with a crick in your neck on top of the hangover."
I stop, gauge the moment while I clear my throat and then bite the bullet, figuratively speaking.
"I know about Lori." I blurt out before I can think better of it and feel Shane go very still beneath me.
For a moment I'm sure he doesn't even breathe and I'm glad I can't see the expression on his face.
"Savannah..." He sounds helpless and I shake my head, unwilling to let him play the victim.
"How many times?"
"Once. And it was a mistake, Savannah Jane, I swear to God. I love you." I ignore this.
"The day Amy went looking for mushrooms, right? And Lori took over for her?"
Shane doesn't speak which I take for a yes. I'd known anyhow-looking back, he'd been acting so weird those few days-and I don't need Shane's confirmation. I sit up to place some distance between us and then, to complete my humiliation, I begin to cry, big drunken tears sliding down my face. "Savannah Jane, don't," Shane reaches up instinctually to wipe my tears away and I jerk my head severely back, away from his touch. "It was one time," Shane reiterates. "And I regretted it as soon as it happened. I'm so damn sorry, girl,"
"Do you love her?" This, unlike the last question I'd asked already knowing the answer, I needed reassurance on.
"No," Shane reaches up for me and this time I allow it.
"Do you love me?" Sounding pathetic, but unable to help myself. Shane looks at me as if I'm insane and that's answer enough, but still, he speaks. "I love you, Savannah. And I will never do anything to hurt you again, I promise you,"
I get up and pace a little, working over this. In the old world I would have thought anyone who stayed with a cheater was an idiot.
But the old world was gone, dead and buried. And this was Shane.
After a few moments of this which Shane endures silently I pull myself together, flicking the light off and climbing back onto the couch with him. "I love you," Shane repeats again there in the dark, tentative.
"I know it. You wouldn't work so hard to keep us alive otherwise,"
I hesitate before this next even though it's the truth. "I love you, too."

xx

We've adjusted our cramped positions sometime during the night and it was nice to come awake slowly still bathed in relative darkness and feeling safe, a sure improvement over most mornings (and sometimes, yes, nights) where we'd jerk awake heart hammering, suspicious of our surroundings. It would almost be perfect, if not for our hangovers, mine worse than Shane's something I was bitterly upset about; he'd drank way more and felt okay. Despite my protests and general bitchiness we head straight for the kitchen where T is manning the stove making eggs from a powder and waving a spatula around as he speaks.
Glenn groans sounding not unlike a walker in this is another one of his sentiments I find myself whole-heartedly agreeing with as I turn right back around, headed for the nearest bathroom, groaning myself.
I have time to turn the sink on, taking care to blast the cold water to smother the sound and for a moment I think I'll be able to hold my gorge, but alas the moment is fleeting and I'm soon on the cool tile floor yarking up Maker's Mark and red wine, a lovely combination.
Shane comes after me, finding me rooting around for a tube of toothpaste, squirting it directly into my foul-tasting mouth. I catch sight of my reflection and underneath these energy-saving fluorescent lights, I look positively green.
My husband has the nerve to look not only smug but amused. "Go away, Shane,"
"Brought you somethin'," I eye him dubiously until he hold a cup of coffee aloft in one hand, a bottle of Advil rattling around in the other.
I feel a wave of relief as I take the booty and he comes closer, kissing my chartreuse forehead.
"It's gonna be okay, Savannah Jane," Shane soothes, rubbing the back of my neck tenderly.
"We're safe now. C'mon, take these." I throw the aspirin and caffeine back quickly, standing very still until I'm sure the concoction is going to stay down. "Good girl," Shane smiles, "You okay?"
I nod then stop at once when my head begins to spin. "Okay."
"Good," Shane takes my hand, leading me from the room,
"The Doc's got something to show us,"