Temporary

Ella is tired.

No. Not tired. She’s exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally. It feels as if her fingers are two minutes away from crumbling; turning to ash right in front of her. Her back aches and her feet must have fallen asleep somewhere between Lily Allen’s Smile and One Direction’s One Thing because she can’t feel them anymore. She wants to cry, desperately, but she doesn’t think she has it in her.

After the song on current play ends, the twenty year old puts on her earphones and says her adieu to the thousand plus students who must be tuned it right now to the four o clock radio show. Her shift’s done and she’s dying for a cigarette. Riley, Ella’s co-host, mutters his signature farewell and flicks the auto-play button; readying the studio for the next presenter due to come on. Once they’re off air, he looks sympathetically at his colleague.

“Yer gran' so, love.?”

The endearment makes Ella smile. Riley is Irish, bright blue eyes, dark hair; and has the kind of smile that could melt a girl’s heart in seconds. The rumours she hears of his conquests prove that that’s not the only thing his smile is capable of doing, but she doesn’t care much for them. Riley is a good enough bloke to have around; especially when it’s a friend that you need.

And a friend is exactly what I need right now.

“I’m fine, Riles. Just tired is all.”

When she stands however, he follows suit and reaches the door in time to open it for her. Ella knows that the action is normal Riley behaviour; ever the gentleman, honestly, but it’s almost enough to send a few tears streaming down her pallid face. Stubbornly, the girl pushes the feeling away and steps into the next room just as Steven; the five o'clock host, brushes past them with a curt hello.

Well aware that Riley is following, Ella walks the short distance to the garden; the only smoking area in this part of the campus, and pulls out a fag. It’s unusually empty. Riley takes the rock beside her; his perch whenever he chooses to join the smokers for a chat, and looks expectantly up at the raven haired girl. Ella is a mystery to him; just as she is a mystery to about every other boy on campus.
Her eyes are a brilliant green, almost amber when the sun hits the right way, and her hair as dark as night. The freckles that spatter the bridge of her nose and cheeks are a result of her fascination with her surfboard and the sea, and she’s almost always wearing that horrid shell necklace that sits comfortably on the v of her neck. Forcing his eyes away from the white conch shell, Riley takes in the lines on her face and the hollow of her cheeks. He can’t believe he hasn’t noticed before, but she looks smaller somehow; emaciated, sick.

“Yer sure yer gran' so? Oi don’t mean ter pry but yer didn’t seem yerself back dare.”

Ella’s hands are shaking when she lights her cigarette; when she brings the fag to her lips and takes a long pull.

It isn’t after a long moment that she speaks though. Her voice is trembling.

“I’m not.”

Riley’s eyebrows rise at the quiet of her voice.

“Waaat is it? Is it evan again? Bejasus, 'as yer man been botherin' yer?”

The anger that lace his words rush the denial from her own. Stammering, Ella shakes her head. “No, no god, no. I wish it was as simple as that.”

Riley looks confused but he’s trying to be patient. It’s not easy, he knows but he’s trying.

Ella gulps down the usual wave of dread and takes another pull of her cigarette. Oddly enough, it’s the most comforting, stable thing that she has in her life right now. The shakes increase and after grinding her fag to the ground with the toe of her boot, Ella folds her hands into her arms and looks everywhere but at the boy sitting before her.

She knows she can say it. There’s no use hiding the truth anyhow. The doctors have already confirmed it, with their white lab coats and constructed pity. She knows she’ll have to tell somebody eventually, if only to keep herself from completely losing her mind. The question is whether or not she can tell Riley. It’s not his burden to bear, this baggage she carries around with her, but dear god she needs to tell someone and he’s as close to a friend as she’s got. Heaven knows everyone else is dead, impassive or too busy to be bothered with the news.

“You nu yer can trust me, roi?” Riley says, as if to reassure the girl. Ella smiles wanly at him and a few tears manage to slip through. When he sees this, he stands to his full six feet three and rests his warm hands on her shoulders. The twenty year old starts to tremble.

“Riley...” she begins, but her voice betrays her and cracks. Ella’s breathing quickens when she thinks of the fear, of the pain and of the hopelessness of it all. There’s a short struggle as she’s trying desperately to rein in the emotions again – bring them under tight control – but Riley’s wrapped his big brother arms around her and Ella knows that she cannot.

I have to admit that I’m weak. I have to admit that I can’t do it alone any more.

“Waaat is it, love? Tell me.” He whispers into her hair.

Ella lays her head across his broad chest; hears the sound of his heart beat, breathes in the mingling scents of cigarette smoke and men’s aftershave and whimpers.

“I have cancer,” she finally says. Riley stiffens and the girl knows that he’ll want to pull away now. No one wants to befriend the dying girl. Not when she’s Ella Beaufort.

“Waaat?” He hasn’t pulled away yet and this encourages her a little. She winds her arms around his torso and feels the sobs build, threatening to overtake her.

“Waaat ye say?”

Her eyes flicker up to meet his and she knows, she knows that she can cry now. He’s blue eyes are so sincere, so fiercely comforting, that she knows that now would be a good a time as ever to fall apart. And she does.

“I have cancer.”

“Ah jaysus.” He breathes, before he buries his nose into her hair again. Their embrace tightens and Ella can feel the curve of his biceps beneath the jacket he’s wearing.

She says the words again; trembling like a leaf in the wind. It’s a reassurance, really, a promise that she’s yet to learn to accept.

I have cancer, and I am going to die.

And finally, she breaks.