Incapable

Your voice plays through the car speakers as I anxiously look out the window, watching the numbers of the buildings go by, Hero. My lips move slightly, mouthing the lyrics only someone with such a mind like yours could produce. You don’t know me, Hero. You don’t know the effect your words have on me. You probably never will.

My face lights up and I scream, pointing out the venue to the driver. You’re in there, Hero. That makes my heart skip beats. I grin widely as we walk to the almost non existent line. It’s early, Hero, but nothing is going to stop me from being close to you.

She has a shirt with your face on it, Hero. All I can do is smile, and nod in agreement when she talks about how perfect you are. You’re her hero too. Did you know that? Did you know that we all love you? Maybe you do, but I bet you don’t know how much, do you, Hero?

“Where is he?” she asks as he signs her picture.

“He needs his beauty sleep,” the drummer laughs.

I picture you, Hero, sleeping soundly in your bunk. Carelessly, peacefully, perfectly. I wish, Hero, that you would be here, and not him. Don’t get me wrong, Hero, I love him too, but he’s not you. You need your rest though, I know you do. You’re going to give it all you’ve got tonight, Hero. And for that, you need your rest.

They’re playing you through their phones, Hero. It’s making me even more anxious. Your words, your voice, your sound, Hero. I can’t wait.

“You can meet them,” he says handing me a card. This is my only chance, Hero. I’m finally going to meet you. I grin widely as I hand him the money, holding the card in my hands for a moment, before carefully slipping it into my pocket. It’s my ticket to meet you, Hero. I’ll guard it with my life.

“No cameras,” he says making his way down the line of people. We’re all here to see you, Hero. But no, this can’t be happening. I need my camera. I need pictures of you, Hero. I need pictures with you. How could they do this, Hero? It’s just not fair. I’ll hide it in my pants, Hero. It’s my most prized possession. I’ll risk it if it means I get pictures of you though.

They’re opening the doors, Hero. They’re letting us in. I can’t wipe the smile off my face. We charge through the halls, Hero, and get to the gymnasium. There’s just enough room for two, Hero, right on the barrier, in front of where you stand. This is going to be perfect, Hero.

“I’m right in front of where he’ll be,” I nearly cry into the phone. “He’s going to be right in front of me.”

“Calm down,” she laughs on the other line. “I thought you got hurt.”

They’re taking to long, Hero. Why won’t they finish yet? Don’t they know we’re not here to see them? Time is ticking by to slow, Hero. I want to see you up there, not them. He’s bouncing around like I imagine you will, Hero. So why can’t they just be over?

They’re entertaining, Hero. They’re friends of yours. I watch in awe at things I’ve never seen done at a concert before. I like them, Hero, but I still wish you would come on already.

They’re boring, they always are, Hero. You’re playing with them again. Why, Hero? Why do you put us through this? “Torturous” is what we call them. But I would do it day after day if it meant seeing you, Hero. I wish they would hurry up.

Another one, Hero. They’re not very good. This is the most painful one, Hero. I know you’re on next. “Please be the last one,” she mutters to me as they start the riff to a new song. I hope it is too. It’s not, Hero. It’s not the last one. This is taking to long, Hero. Please, come out.

It’s hard, Hero. I feel my arms bruising from the pressure of holding myself on the barrier. It’s all worth it though, Hero. I’ll get to see you. Up close and in my face.

My feet hurt; I’ve been waiting all day for you, Hero. I wonder if you’re waiting too. I wonder what you’re thinking. Do you think this is just another, Hero? Do you think we’re all just the same? We’re not, Hero. Tonight is different, I swear.

There’s no water, Hero. I can’t leave. I won’t leave. But I can’t breathe either. He hands us a bottle. “You’ve been waiting all day,” he says, as if it were something odd. Of course I’ve been waiting all day, Hero! I wouldn’t have it any other way!

The lights flash, Hero. Suddenly I spring back to life. They walk on stage, but you’re not there. You’re waiting, Hero. You need your dramatic entrance. I love that about you.

There you are, Hero. Finally you’ve joined them. You’re all on stage now, Hero. I scream my heart out. It’s the most perfect moment. Please don’t ever let this end.

The music starts, Hero. We cheer in anticipation. We’re waiting for you to sing, Hero. Waiting for your sweet voice to surge through the speakers, and comfort us. We’re all one now, Hero. We’re one person, waiting for you.

You open your mouth, Hero, and out flow your beautiful melodies. That sound, Hero, that voice, those words of yours that I’ve waited to hear all day. I want to cry, Hero, but I won’t. Not yet.

I don’t think you get it, Hero. Seeing you up there, hearing your voice. Your words, Hero; they’re so precious to me. Every single one of them is special. They all mean something different, Hero. Something else I can relate to. I love them all, Hero. I love you.

You want people to dance with you, Hero. Oh please, Hero, it would be my dream come true. Yes! You pick me, Hero. You pointed right at me! I swear, Hero, you did. He doesn’t believe me, Hero. Make him believe me! I cried, Hero, he wouldn’t let me up. You made her life though, and she loves you just as much. Thank you for making her happy, Hero.

We yell things at you, Hero. Funny things. She wants you to get naked, Hero. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t want it too. You talk about how you celebrated today. People think it’s weird that I didn’t do that same. I told them I would be with you, Hero. I refused to be that way if I was going to be seeing you. You say you love us; we’re your favorite place. Do you really mean it, Hero? I hope you do.

It’s almost over, Hero. You haven’t played my song yet. You always play it, Hero. Why not tonight? I always cry when I hear it. I wanted to be that close to you and cry to those words. That song, Hero, that song saved my life. I’m screaming for something, Hero. I want you to hear me. I wish you would perform it. You don’t.

It’s over, Hero. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could rewind and relive it all over again. I can’t, Hero, so I rush out as quickly as possible. I rush to meet you. I see them in line, Hero. I scurry over to them. “No pictures,” I hear him say. Is he kidding me, Hero? How could I not take a picture? I need to remember this moment. The first time I meet you, Hero. I need a picture, I need it.

The line’s moving to fast, Hero. Is that weird to say? I want to meet you already, but I haven’t thought of what to say. It needs to be perfect, Hero. I hope I don’t choke up. I glance over and see you sitting there, Hero. My heart starts to race, and a small screech slips out from between my lips. I know what I’m going to say to you, Hero. I know what I’m going to say.

We’re close now, Hero. I look over to see you again. “Please don’t cry,” she laughs, as she sees my eyes water. I think I might. There are only a few people before us, Hero. I see you now. You look mad. Why are you mad, Hero? Don’t be mad. I love you, Hero. Please don’t be mad.

“C’mon let’s go,” you say, sounding irritated. “There are too many people, look at all these fucking people.” No, Hero. Don’t be mean. Please don’t be mean, Hero. “We’re gonna miss our bus and get stuck in New Jersey.”

“But New Jersey’s the shit,” I say. I can’t believe I opened my mouth to you, Hero.

You scrunch you face and shake your head, “Nahhh.”

I didn’t mean to, Hero. It just came out. I’m sorry you’re in a bad mood. I realize now something new about you. You want to be in a band, Hero. That’s all you want. I think you’re overwhelmed, Hero. I think you wish you could just play music, and not have to deal with so many people. You get overwhelmed, Hero. I’m sorry we make you nervous and irritated.

“Can you sign my shirt?” I ask, and the guitarist leans over, flashing a smile as he scribbles his name. “Thank you,” I nod, as the drummer hands me a poster. My heart starts to race as I move down the table. It’s you, Hero. You’re right in front of me now. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life, Hero. It’s you. This is real.

“H-hi,” I stutter. “Can you sign my shirt?”

“Yeah,” you say, taking it from my hands.

“Thank you. Can you sign the one I’m wearing?”

“No,” you shake your head.

“Oh..then can I have a hug?”

“No,” you reply. Why, Hero? Why would you say no? Don’t you know how long I’ve waited for this moment? My face starts to turn red and I turn to face the bassist. I hear your giggle in the background, Hero, and feel a hand grab my arm. Suddenly I’m pulled down across the table, buried in your shirt. I wrap my arms around you, Hero, and your hands are on my back. Tears start to fill my eyes as I feel you press your mouth to my head.

“You’re my hero,” I mumble into your shirt.

“No I’m not,” you say as I pull away.

“Yes you are. You’re my hero.”

“Why?” you ask.

“Because. You don’t care about what others think of you. You don’t let anything get to you. Anything that happens..you still can get up on stage and just play.” I feel my eyes begin to let the tears slip by. I can’t help it, Hero. You’re so perfect, just talking about it gets to me.

“But you don’t even know me.”

“But you’re my hero.”

“I can’t be your hero,” you tell me. “I can’t be anyone’s hero.” What? Hero! No! Stop talking like this! What do you mean you can’t be my hero? “I’m not capable of it.” Not capable?! You’re perfect! How are you not capable? You’ve taught me so much! You mean more to me then anything. You’re all I’ve ever known! You’re the only one I’ve ever trusted! You’re the only one who’s never let me down! You’re the only one who’s ever been my hero. You’re my everything, Hero. Why…how could you say that?

“But I…” I don’t know what else to say to you, Hero. I smile, and lean over, asking the bass player to sign my shirt between sobs. I cry louder as I leave the table. I turn back for one more glance at you, Hero. You see me, and lean backwards in your chair. You smile at me, Hero, and bring both hands to your mouth, blowing me a kiss. I laugh slightly at your cuteness.

“Can I..get a..picture?” I ask softly

“No,” he says.

“Go!” you yell loudly with a smile. I nod, and exit crying.

“Was he yelling at you?” he asks.

“No,” I sob. “I just love him so much.”

You’re my hero. You always will be. No matter how much you refuse it. No matter how much you try and deny it. You’ll always be my hero. You’ll always be the person I look up to. The person I admire. You’re perfect, Hero, in every way possible. I love you, Hero. I’ll never stop.

That’s why, Hero, I am, sincerely yours, forever.