Disgusting

“What the fuck?”

I put my hand over Devon’s mouth and led him to my room.

“Hunter, what’s going on?”

“I can’t believe that I ever left you.”

Devon looked at me like he was trying to process what I was saying.

“I realized how much I missed you.”

That was enough for Devon. Clothes came off. Devon paused and looked at my shoulders.

“Holy shit Hunter. What happened?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You have like hand prints and blotchy bruises all over your shoulders. What the fuck happened?”

“Rough sex.”

“No shit. You look like you got beat up.”

“It felt good.”

Devon said nothing at that. “So you found someone bigger than you to fuck with huh? I could never do that to you.”

“Yeah, and he was a virgin too.”

“Fuck. How come I never get those?”

I shrugged.

“I have an idea,” Devon said. “Lay on your stomach.”

He was gone for a minute and then he returned. There was something cold on his fingers. He massaged my shoulders with his long, talented fingers. It was lotion of some sort. He pressed into my sore muscles, tensing them and then relaxing them afterwards.

“I missed you so much,” Devon whispered, leaning over me. He kissed the back of my neck and down my spine.

“I missed you too,” I breathed. And it was true.

“I’m glad you called.”

“Same.”

I didn’t feel guilty about Jake amazingly enough. I had felt guiltier when I was with him. That was the thing about Jake: everything we did together made me feel so guilty because every new act between us was something that we’d never done before and something that took away his innocence.

“So is there any chance that this boy you slept with was the same boy that we stopped talking over?”

“There’s a 100% chance that it’s the same boy.”

“Well, damn, then you were good to drop me for a while. Looks like you had quite the time last night.”

“The physical part was great, you know? But then the minute that we started talking about love and the other parts of it, I started to get sick and I feel really guilty because I don’t think that I love him.”

Devon stopped touching my shoulders. “Hunter, what if you feel guilty because you do care about him and because you know what you’re doing to him is morally wrong?”

“Then why doesn’t it matter when I do things with you?”

“Because you don’t love me.”

I turned my head to look at Devon. “You’re such a fucking genius, I think. But either way, we’re broken up and done for the time being. I need to give him time to cool off. I think I really, really upset him.”

“I’m sure you did. You know you dropped him right after having sex with him, he probably thinks that you used him for sex.”

I groaned. This was all so frustrating. My timing was impeccably off, and yet again I’d managed to fuck everything up.

“Do you think I should call or anything?”

“I think you should give him some space for a while. Let him come to terms with things.”

“You’re a lifesaver Devon.”

“Thanks.”

Devon continued to massage my back. It felt so good. I was melting into his fingers as he rubbed the stress right out of me.

“Why am I really here?” he asked me.

“I have no one else.”

“Are you sure that’s all?”

“I’m not really sure about anything.”

“Would you be okay if we fucked, or are you holding out for that boy?”

Devon kissed behind me ear and down to my collarbone, licking over my bruised skin and making new bruises with his teeth.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“He’ll never know, come on.”

“Do you really think it’s a good idea?” I asked.

Devon paused. “Probably not if you really want that boy back.”

“Fuck it. I’m going to see him.”

Devon stared at me. He blinked a few times.

I pretended that I couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. He didn’t let them fall freely. He held back.

I looked away and got up to find clothes.

Devon sat on my bed.

I felt bad for how I always treated Devon, but it was sort of his idea.

“I’ll just leave then.”

I got to thinking. What if Devon hung around because he thought that maybe just once I would pick him over someone else? I knew that he loved me, and maybe he thought that id he kept coming back and being there for me that I would fall in love with him.

I couldn’t leave him.

I sat down on my bed with my shirt in my hands.

“I’m not leaving.”

“But you should go and find Jake and make it better.”

“I don’t want to.”

Devon looked at me and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

“You’re serious?”

“Completely. I’m done with Jake.”

“Are you just saying that?”

“No, I’m completely serious.”

“Good.”

“God, this is so unreal.”

Devon gave me a small smile before relaxing back into the bed.

The reason that I stayed with Devon was that being with Devon made him happy. When I was with Jake, I only ever made things worse. I wanted Jake to be happy because maybe I loved him, but leaving him would be better for him.