Disgusting

I searched through Jake’s drawers for something to wear. My clothes really weren’t an option because a) they were lying in a heap on the bathroom floor and b) they probably smelled like road kill. Once I was dressed I went back into the bathroom to check on Jake.

He wasn’t crying, but he didn’t exactly look happy like I thought he should. It was times like this when I hated myself for being an asshole.

I sat down next to him.

“Jake, is everything okay? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I?” There I went being an asshole again. I always just had to make sure that everything I did was right and not sound concerned for other people whatsoever.

“I’m fine.”

“You look horrible. Tell me what happened? Do you want me to go home? I can just leave…?”

Jake grabbed my wrist. “Please stay? It’s not you. I promise.”

“What is it Jake. Something’s eating at you. I can tell. I’m not psychic, but something is definitely wrong.”

“It’s not you. Don’t worry about it.”

“Jake. I care. You can tell me anything.”

“This whole thing, whatever it is, it’s just not working.”

I can’t say I didn’t see that coming. I just knew inwardly that this wasn’t going to last long at all. I think that Jake and I were pretty much toxic from the beginning. I never saw this ending well.

I nodded.

“I just want to be friends again. Okay?”

I just kept nodding. I was glad he still wanted to be friends at least, but it sort of hurt that that’s all he wanted to be. Not to mention the fact that I was going to be missing out on some tail for a while.

“Did I hurt you?” I found myself asking.

Jake shook his head. “I just thing I’m too young for this sort of thing.”

He was completely right. I knew he was too young the whole time.

I nodded for the third time.

“Hunter?”

“Yeah?”

“You give really good blowjobs.”

“Shucks….”

Jake followed me back to his room once we had finished talking.

“Hey Jake, I think I’m going to head home and check in with the auntie.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Thanks for everything.”

“We were going to have breakfast together though.”

It’s funny. When he said that I suddenly remembered how hungry I was. That’s the joy of being a teenage boy: you’re always hungry without fail.

So Jake and I sat down to a nutritional breakfast of microwave waffles and Froot Loops. It was better than the food I had at my house though, so I had no complaints.

When I was done eating, I put my dishes in the dishwasher and got my stuff form Jake’s room upstairs. Jake was still moving cereal around his bowl when I returned from upstairs.

“I love you Jake. Don’t forget.”

I saw him smile, but he didn’t look up.

I pulled on my coat, because for early July weather, it was still damn cold. I slid my feet into my shoes that were pretty broken down. I figured it was probably about time to ask my aunt for a new pair.

“Bye Jake.”

“You don’t have to leave.”
“You know I don’t want to, but I have to go and see my family. I mean my blood family. I like to pretend that they care about me.”

“Seth does. And so does your brother.”

“But I don’t live with my brother, and your cousin just isn’t the same as your mom or dad.”

“I guess I wouldn’t know.”

I hugged Jake.

“I love you Hunter, okay? Happy birthday.”

“Thanks.”

The truth of the matter was that I didn’t want to go home at all, but I knew that if I didn’t go home every other day or so, that my aunt would call me into the police, which she wasn’t above doing, and then when she found out I was spending time at Jake’s house, she would be pissed because she thought I was too old to be hanging out with kids Jake’s age.

I stepped outside into the wind and cold. It looked like it might rain and sort of had that pre-rain smell in the air. I pulled my coat tighter around my shoulders and tried to walk quickly home. I made it to the front porch just as it started to downpour. I’d gotten drizzled on a little bit, but that was all. It wasn’t that big of a deal, not even enough to make my hair wet.

Inside, I kicked off my shoes and put them next to everyone else’s shoes that lived in this house. My cousin, Kate, was standing in the hallway texting on her phone. “Ew,” she said when she looked at me.

I rolled my eyes. We didn’t get along well at all.

“Where the hell were you?” she asked.

“Since when do you care?”

“Oh right. You were at your boy-toy’s house. I remember.”

“He’s not my boy-toy.”

“Come on Hunter. I’m not stupid, you totally got laid.”

“Whatever.”

I heard my aunt lumbering down the stairs before I saw her; all 200 pounds of her jiggled and swayed as she descended the last few steps.

“Where have you been Hunter?”

“My friend’s house.”

“Okay.”

I always found it sort of ironic that my aunt was Kate’s mom because my aunt was so fat and Kate probably hadn’t eaten anything other than celery and fruit for the past two years.

“Happy birthday, by the way.”

“Thanks.”

I went to go to my room. My aunt didn’t say anything to stop me, so I just kept on walking. I locked the door to my room and sat down in the middle of the carpet on my floor.

I sat and thought for a while, then eventually moved to the bed because I got really tired when I thought.

I sort of wished that I could fall asleep and never wake up, because if I did that then I would never have to feel anything again. I would never have to feel bad about hurting Jake, or anyone else ever again. I wouldn’t be a burden to my aunt or a waste of anyone’s time. Sometimes that’s all I felt like I was: a waste of everyone’s time.

I couldn’t sleep because I felt guilty. I texted Jake just to make sure that he was okay.

Then I sort of remembered that sixteen years ago, on this very day, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, I was being born. And then I thought, Fuck birthdays because I really wouldn’t have minded not being alive at that moment.

I clawed at my own skin because sometimes living inside of it was just such an uncomfortable place to be. I screamed into my pillow and then stared up at the ceiling, fuming, until Jake finally answered me. That was enough to significantly lower my angst.

Hey, I promise you didn’t do anything wrong the message read.

It’s like he could read my mind. Sometimes I swear he knew more about me than he’d ever let on.

I thought about wishing how I wasn’t alive. Really the only people it would have a major impact on would be Jake and this other guy Devon that I hung out with sometimes, but mostly we just had sex. If Jake were to ever die, there’d be a lot of people who missed him. He may not have had many friends, but I knew that he was nice to almost everyone and tended to make good impressions on people.

Even though I knew it was wrong, I sent a text to Devon because I wanted to hang out with someone, I just couldn’t handle Jake right then. I asked him to come over. He told me he’d be there in just a few minutes.

Sleeping around was sort of my way of coping. Some people had therapy; I had sex. I knew it was risky, I knew it was dangerous, and I knew it was bad, but it was cheaper than therapy and it kept me from going crazy.

“Hunter!” my aunt called from downstairs.

A few seconds later Devon knocked on my door. I got up to let him in and locked the door behind him.

“Happy birthday Hunter.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Don’t be a Debbie-Downer, I’ve got big plans for you.”

The thing about Devon was that he was a charming. He could sweet-talk almost as well as I could, and I liked that about him.

Devon pulled me close to him and gave me a quick hug that escalated into to a lack of clothing really quickly, but I wasn’t protesting.