The Staal Sister

I walked right through the bench, pushing my team mates out of the way as I stumbled towards the locker room, feeling nauseous and like I couldnt breath. I was suffocating, but not from lack of air.

I whipped off my helmet and gloves as I ran towards the bathroom, fighting off tears that longed to over take me.

I sank down into one of the stalls as I threw up into the toilet. It was the only noise in the whole locker room. It felt like the whole world.

I whiped my mouth off with a piece of toilet paper and I closed my eyes, my head leaning against the plastic excuse for a wall. I could only imagine how pathetic I looked right now. Number 1 draft pick, The Staal Sister sitting alone on a bathroom floor after punching her douche bag older brother in the face during her first NHL game. Wow, I completely embarassed myself and my hand hurt like hell.

Maybe this just wasnt going to work. Maybe I couldnt do this.

Tears silently trailed down my cheeks as I stood up. I walked over to the mirror and looked at myself.

Shiny blonde hair. Blue eyes. Tan skin. I shouldnt feel this ugly. I shouldnt feel so unloved. Ken loves me. My kids love me. I think my family used to love me. But I dont deserve it. We accept the love we think we deserve. Kris made me feel so special over the past few days. I probably just scared him away.

I washed my mouth out with mouth wash I always kept in my purse and watched the game on the tv in the locker room. No one came out to grab me and I coudnt face them. Not yet.

We were winning 3-1 with 4 minutes left in the third period. Jordan was no where to be seen so I figured he was with the examiners. Or making someone else feel like horse shit.

I had all my equipment off by now so I left through the back door. No one saw me leave.

I sat in my car as I watched all the fans pour out. There were the puck bunnys, the kids and the old folks who were die hard penguins fans. Oh, and the young adults who always drank too much. They were all different but the same.

My thoughts ranged from kittens to Law and Order: SVU. They were very scattered and I was a mess. Ken had Liam and Iris so I wasnt worried but I felt awful for not being there for them right now but I couldnt hold myself together in front of them. Most days I could put on a brave face for them, but not tonight.

I drove to a nearly deserted bridge and got out into the brisk Pittsburgh air. I sat on the edge, looking down at the water. It seemed so far but so close. I closed my eyes and tears stung my vision again. I really needed to get my shit together.

Rape. What do you think when you hear the word? When you experience it, you cant even mutter the word without throwing up. You think of a cold, dark alley. Scary old men. Not at home. Not in your nice, warm bed. It's the worst crime ever committed. If you disagree, than its never happened to you. Be thankful. Some of us arent as lucky. Its strips you of everything that makes you…you. Its an ongoing murder that never has its release. Death.

Jack, why did you have to do that? I was happy. So happy before you ruined my life that night. You took much more than my virginity that night. You took my pride. You took my bubbliness. You took my confidence. You took my joy. You took…me.

I'm not sure if I can ever get her back. I think she's already gone.

I started sobbing and accidently jerked forward when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I slipped. An accidental push was all it took.