With The Scars You Left Me

Looking at the clock she saw it was almost 3 pm, her nap had stretched on longer than she'd wished.

Alexander wasn't coming over today, he was trying out for the summer soccer team at the local park.

Which also meant I'd see him less and less, he would be busy.

I didn't mind, I had no intention of holding him back from his life and keeping him in a little shell like I had done to myself.

Karma hissed sharply, alerting me to my doorway, I stared intently and stayed quiet, waiting for something to happen.

When nothing did I visibly relaxed, figuring she was just hungry.

I dropped two mice into her tank and watched her eat intently, watching them move throughout her body with interest as a small smile made it's way to my eyes.

Carefully lifting her up I let her lick at my chin as she draped herself over my shoulders, relaxing against my body heat as we made our way downstairs.

I poured water into a mug, filling it less than half and making my way over to the couch closest to the window, barely opening the blinds so there would be some sun for Karma.

Taking small sips I stared out of the window, frowning.

I didn't even know what day it was.

The heat soon made me uncomfortable and I left Karma to cuddle up against the window, closer to the sun.

I use to actually take walks with her outside, but I didn't anymore.

Not only because people got scared, but because, well.

I didn't go outside anymore.

I trotted upstairs, pulling on a gray long sleeves shirt and some loose blue jeans, tucking the shirt in and sticking a belt through my jean loops, then slipping on my worn out chucks.

It takes 20 seconds of bravery to do something spontaneous, right?

I practically sprinted downstairs, racing to the door and completely freezing when my hand touched the cold metal.

No, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't put myself out into the world just yet. I couldn't.

But you can.

I felt a nudge at my heel, and then the pressure of something wrapping around my leg as Karma slithered up, like she always did when we went out for walks.

I caved, the bravery in me restored as I stared down at the slits in her eyes, her tongue slithering in and out approvingly as she urged me to go outside. I laid my arm against my side allowing her to slither up to my shoulders again and tickle my neck, giggling softly.

Opening the door, the eerie creaking sound did nothing to calm my nerves as I squinted my eyes, temporarily going blind as my eyes readjusted to the bright light.

Cars went by, but none of them stopped. I sat on the front steps of my porch, not wanting to go any further, not daring to go any further. My nerves were already at their peak as they were. Karma had gone off to crawl in the grass and the one big Oak tree on our lawn.

I didn't have to worry about her, our grass was short so I could see her and she was trained. She didn't bite, had no venom, and would never disobey me.

The fresh air almost felt foreign to my body as I inhaled it and closed my eyes, letting it calm my body. My house was a brown color, bringing me a very earthy feeling.

It's funny, I had actually forgotten what the outside of it looked like.

There were vines and small flowers blossoming along them, loitering on the walls and the two white pillars that held up the porch. A porch swing that was old and creaked sat unused, next to the door mat just outside the window.

A small brick wall surrounded the perimeter of the house, about 2 or 3 feet high and adorned with black Romanesque style gates. The entrance to our little home was a small iron gate with double doors that came up to about my chin, leading into our house and on the opposite end was the sidewalk.

"The petals of blow roses on the grass." I mumbled, watching the wilting roses and their petals adorn the green grass.

Summer was always hot in Florida. High's in the 80's day and night.

I felt the first trickle of sweat move down along the side of my head and onto my neck.

I made a small whistling sound and stood, opening the door with my back to the world as I waited for Karma to slither past me and into my house. She lightly bit at my ankle, but not enough to puncture skin, to let me know she was here.

I slipped silently into the house, my mind not as much a clutter of thoughts as before, a serene feeling enveloping me as the air conditioning cooled my body.

I found it easier to finish my mug of water now that I was so thirsty, but I scrunched up my nose in distaste, feeling sick to my stomach.

"I'm proud of you." the voice on the counter scared me, causing me to jump and all my muscles to tense.

"Ah, I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't mean to scare you. I came in through the back and saw you sitting on the porch and I didn't want to bother you...." My mother mumbled on as I relaxed, more on edge now as I sat across from her, smiling, showing it didn't matter and I was fine.

Karma was playing with her fingers, nipping at them.

She was the only person besides me that she liked.

I smiled, dropping my mug into the sink and stopping at the door before turning around, "I'll be having dinner at the table tonight." I spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, but I know she heard me when her eyes watered.

I turned before she could say anything and lifted karma as she nipped at my feet, not keen on going up the stairs herself.

It seemed like minutes passed by, but it was hours and before I knew it my mothers signature knock was at the door.

I removed the towel from my hair and slipped on a pair of comfortable sweats and a shirt big enough to reach my knees, sleeveless for once.

"Coming mama." I spoke, raising my voice slightly.

Marking the page in my book I placed it on my computer desk and made sure Karma's heater was on in her tank before walking downstairs and fumbling with my hands.

I didn't know where to sit or what to do.

The table was set, my mother and father next to each other and beaming up at me.

I smiled awkwardly, slipping into the seat opposite of my father and staring at the salad already set on my plate.

It was a small portion, and next to it was an even smaller portion of lasagna, my favorite.

That notion alone made my eyes sting but I held it back, happy they were thinking about me, and trying, like I was so desperately trying to cling onto my sanity and humanity.

That sliver of my soul barely lit, struggling to spread and illuminate me.

I was so lost in my thoughts I hadn't even noticed my parents staring at me.

"Hm?" I squeaked, staring at them.

"We were thinking since tomorrow is Sunday and neither of us worked, if you'd like to go into town with us tomorrow to run a few errands." my mother said in a loving, and almost hopeful voice.

Uneasiness immediately settled in my stomach and I was no longer hungry, my mind screaming at me to turn down the offer right then, but my heart won out, whispering in the back, give it a try, give it a try.

So I nodded meekly, my face blanched of color and expression as they continued on with their dinner while I moved around the now cold lasagna and picked at the lettuce from my salad.

I excused myself and threw it out, dropping the dishes into the sink, and without thinking walked over to them and barely, just barely brushed my lips against their cheeks.

They both sat still, stopping their movements with wide smiles plastering their faces, probably afraid to move in case I freaked out.

"Goodnight mama and papa." I whispered before slipping upstairs and laying in my bed, drifting into a somewhat comfortable sleep.

I dreamt with the serene feeling of gentle breeze coming through my window, lulling me to sleep, as if singing me a song, whoosh.