Because I Messed Up

“Alan!” I yelled in the bus. I had been looking for his little ginger ass everywhere. No one knew where he had gone to and we needed to talk. About what? The little stint he pulled on stage last night. During Let Live, I leaned over to kiss his cheek and he turned towards me causing out lips to meet. Normally, I wouldn’t have cared, but when he didn’t move away right after, let’s just say I was a little more than thrown off.
I made it to the back lounge and threw the door open. “Alan?” I asked before realizing that he was lying on the floor facing the ground. I walked towards the couch, stepping over his body in the process. I sat down and just stared at him, waiting for some sort of response. When I didn’t get one, I sighed.
“Alan, what are you doing?” he mumbled something into the floor. “Can’t hear you Alan.” I said in annoyance. He lifted his head a little before speaking again.
“I said, I’m dying in self loathing.” He put his head back down against the floor. At this point I wasn’t even upset anymore. Seeing him like this made me realize that he had punished himself enough, but that didn’t mean that we weren’t going to talk about it.
“Get your butt up here. We’re going to talk about this.” He made a noise that sounded like a cross between a groan and a strangled cry. I rolled my eyes and knelt beside him, scooping his small body into my arms and setting him down on the couch. He didn’t even try to resist me and just stared at the floor. I took a seat on the floor in front of him, refusing to let him not look at me.
“Why do you loathe yourself?” his eyes flickered to mine for a moment before quickly returning to the floor.
“Because I fucked up.” I quirked an eyebrow at his statement.
“No you didn’t Alan. What makes you think that?”
“I kissed you.” He mumbled. He wasn’t wrong, but I had a feeling that this was a little deeper than just the kiss.
“So, we’ve kissed on stage a few times.” He looked up and met my eyes, his shining with moisture.
“Yeah, but not like that. They never meant anything before.” His eyes widened a little as if he regretted what he had said. I stared at him in slight shock. Not at what he thought it was about, but at the thought that he believed that they didn’t mean anything. Sure, I never really thought about him that way, but that didn’t mean that I would just kiss him willy nilly.
“Did this mean something?” I was pushing the boundaries, but Alan was my best friend and I hated seeing him like this. I needed to know where this was headed, regardless of what might happen because of it. He returned his gaze to the floor and nodded his head lightly.
“I’m so sorry Austin.” I could tell that he was trying not to cry. “I’ve tried to let go of these feelings that I have, but they just won’t go away.”
“What are you talking about Alan?” I knew, but I needed him to say this. More so for himself than for my own benefit. He looked up at me again, this time his eyes were steeled and he seemed more… determined?
“I think about you all the time… and not in the way a best friend should!” He wasn’t yelling, but his tone was stronger now. “I dream about you and I get these really dirty thoughts when I see you change or when you’re singing on stage. You’re the one I think about when… when…” his voice faltered and he lowered his head again. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks at his words. He didn’t have to tell me for me to know what that meant.
“Alan… I…” I paused, lifting his head. Whatever words I was going to say vanished when I looked at him. His eyes were bright because of the tears and the look on his face stirred something inside of me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Desire.
Before I really had time to say anything else, Alan lunged off of the couch, attaching his lips to mine in a fierce kiss. Normally in a situation like this, I would have flipped out and shoved the person off of me, but something about the way that Alan’s lips were moving against mine rooted me to my spot. After recovering from the initial shock, I reached up and cupped his face, holding him to me and deepening the kiss. I felt his body relax as I slipped my tongue past his lips. He fought against me for dominance before quickly giving in and letting me take control. It was raw and passionate, speaking our emotions that we were unable to convey in words. Eventually, the need to breathe beat out the need for passion and we pulled apart, each of us breathing heavily.
“Austin?” Alan asked meekly.
“Yes Alan?” I smiled at him.
“I love you.” A red blush had crept its way onto his already rosy cheeks. I knew then and there that I loved him too. It was as clear as daylight to me.
“I love you too Alan.” His demeanor perked up at my words. “Come on now. We’ve got a show to put on.” I reached over and helped him to his feet and laced our fingers together. And as soon as we got to where the crew was, no one seemed surprised by us. They congratulated us and everything went on like normal.