I'm Drowning In The Ashes

Breathe Ellie. Breathe. Deep breaths. In. Out. Good.

The rubber band, it could keep her sane until she got home. Snap snap snap. No it's just an apartment now. Not a home. Not without Sean.

Where's she going to live now? What about rent? She can't afford rent. Fuck.

Snap snap snap.

"Can you stop with that fucking rubber band already?" Jay was gripping the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles were white, his face pulled tight, trying to stay as calm as possible.

"Would you rather give me a knife so I can get blood in the car? No? Then shut the fuck up and leave me alone." Ellie's voice was calm, it was almost as if she was talking about something of no importance, like the weather.

He slams on the breaks, thankfully there's no other cars on the road, and him and the blond are now staring at her. In what she thinks has to be either disgust, shock, or both. She's leaning towards disgust.

Snap snap snap.

/ /

"What? Sean didn't tell you? I thought he told you people everything."

"You're fucked up, Red."

Snap snap snap.

"Well shit, Jay really? I never fucking knew! And before you say that's why he left, I fucking told him the first fucking day we talked. Now take me home."

"I'm taking you to your mom's, Red."

"NO!"

"Yes."

"Question. Why do you think I started cutting the the first fucking place?"

Snap snap snap.

"Fine, Christ!"

/ /

"I'm going to tell Suave."

"Guess what, Greenpeace? She already knows. You people are fucking stupid."

"You're a bitch."

"I repeat, I never fucking knew! Tell me more!"

"Lay off, Red."

"Wouldn't have to worry about it if you would just take me home and mind your own business. Fuck."

Jay says nothing more, just floors it to the apartment in a worse mood than he was before.

Snap snap snap.

/ /

The apartment seems empty. Sure, Bueller is there, along with the furniture and food, but there's no Sean.

Sean makes all the difference.

/ /

Ellie was sitting on the bathroom floor, fighting with herself. She promised Sean, no more cutting, Sean promised her he wouldn't leave her though. He broke his promise. She can break hers right?

But she promised Paige too. Since when did Paige matter to her though? It's not like they were friends.

/ /

Just one cut. Just one. That's it. No more, no less. One, just one. And then never again. Right?

/ /

Ellie sighed at the relief her compass brought her with that one pass over her skin. That was the one, right? No more?

She was lying to herself. She knew she was. She needed this, she needed her compass to survive. Especially without Sean. She could never stop. Not again. Not without Sean. Never without Sean.

The young girl was so focused with arguing with herself she never noticed the tears falling down her face.