Fifty Words for Embarrassment

Because I was, I confess, something of a mess, I knew that it was in everyone's best interest that I stay away from Riley for a bit. I knew one thing about myself to be an absolute, undeniable truth: I was skilled at rebounding. I had hurt many people thus and thought too highly of Riley to let it happen to him. Keeping away was trickier than one might imagine, being that he was not only my stand partner, but an audience member at almost all of Back to Bach's shows.

Also, he was nice and not unattractive and I was fairly certain that he was interested in me.

I knew myself, though, and I'm telling you, I was absolutely convinced that there was no way I could be over Reed yet. It was just too soon by my standards. After my last breakup, I'd been a mess for a solid eight months... and then Caleb came along and brought Reed and the whole cycle whirring into action again.

Well, the rebounding wasn't happening again. Not this time. I started to make a point of inviting everyone I could to come along any time I knew I would be seeing Riley. I knew that he was taking my refusal to be alone with him in completely the wrong way. He thought that it meant that I was disinterested when really, I was.

This was allowed to carry on for three weeks, then a fourth. Finally, after orchestra rehearsal, I found myself alone at my violin case. Usually I had a small mass of people gathered around, putting away their own instruments and socializing. Footsteps came toward me and I knew without looking that they belonged to Riley.

"I was hoping to catch you alone."

"You did this on purpose. Hope had nothing to do with it.' The accusation escaped me before my inherent embarrassment that usually accompanied such exchanges could stop it.

"I did." His eyes searched my face and I, coward that I am, turned away and pretended to loosen my bow hair.

Riley waited for a long moment before quietly saying, "If you loosen that any more, the hair will pop out." I winced and put the bow away.

"I'm stalling."

"I know." His expression, as he looked at me, was quizzical. "Why?"

"Because if I'm right about what you want to say, I need time to figure out a good response." I glanced up at him. His eyes were on my hands, which clung to my violin like it was a security blanket.

"I think that thinking is the problem here. You're doing too much of it." I nodded. This was not the first time that I had heard such a thing. Or the second. I didn't reply, so after a while he took a seat next to me on the floor and said, "What's been bothering you?"

I liked that he had never pressured me and wasn't doing it now. I decided to try honesty again, since it seemed to be working pretty well so far. "I don't have an answer for you."

He nodded, accepting this. "Forget I said anything." Riley stood up. "Now, I have someplace I want to take you."

I followed without question and listened gratefully when he talked about some movie he and Justin had been watching over the weekend. I was glad that there was no pressure being put on me to talk. Instead, I had my thoughts turned inward. What was wrong with me? I always did this. Other than with Flo and my band mates, every friendship I had ever had had been superficial in the extreme. I don't mean that there was a lot of shopping and looking in mirrors, but that these were fair weather, temporary friendships. That was unhealthy, keeping people always at a distance. And it was then that I started thinking that maybe Florence had been right about me all along. I told you once how infuriating it could be, being around her when she was clearly treating me as though I was a social cripple. But wasn't that exactly what I was?

I looked over at Riley, who had stopped talking. Judging from his expression, some response was expected from me. I was glad that, instead of looking upset that I clearly had not been paying attention to him, he instead looked mildly amused.

"Sorry, what was that?" By way of apology (and also because I wanted to), I took a step closer to him and concentrated on keeping my eyes fixed on his.

A smile broke out across his face and he shook his head. "There's a party this Friday. I think you guys are playing there?"

"We're playing at a birthday party at some hotel." I couldn't be bothered to keep track of all of the details. Rupert always made sure that everyone made it to the right place on time.

Riley waved his hand dismissively, looking amusingly like my grandmother as he did so. I managed- barely- to stifle a chuckle. "I asked Gus already. He confirmed that this party happens to be for my cousin, Lucien."

I couldn't think of a good response so I settled for, "Oh, really?"

Riley beamed. "Yes. You should come early. You guys don't play until eight thirty, but the party starts at six." I winced and Riley looked a little hurt. "Come on. I"ll introduce you to my cousin and my sister, and Justin and Alice will be there. Have the rest of the band come, too. They can bring people if they'd like."

Well, that did sound like fun... "But are you sure that no one will mind?"

Riley pulled a card out of his pocket and held it out triumphantly. It read, "To you and your twenty closest friends,..." and proceeded to give the date and time of the party.

Riley explained, "Lucien always does this. He likes to have strangers there, keeps a count of how many new people he meets."

"But why?"

Riley laughed at my astonished expression. "Because he can't stand being alone. Always has to be doing something with someone."

"But that's sad," I said. "I mean, can you imagine? It's unhealthy to not ever be alone."

"If you tell me that Lucien is sad after you've met him then I'll believe you," was Riley's only response.

"So you assume I'll be there?"

Riley's hip bumped against mine. "Of course."

***

The band was ecstatic when they learned that they had scored invites. "I've heard his parties are the stuff of legend," Gus said excitedly.

"Besides," put in Lionel, "It will be a great opportunity for publicity. We'll all wear band t-shirts and..."

I tuned out for a little while. They were used to my not paying strict attention while band meetings took place so I knew that I wouldn't get in too much trouble for it. Instead, I thought through all of the time I had spent with Riley... which was accruing quickly. I knew that I had to be careful to keep my distance, but that was starting to seem less and less like a real concern. I realized that, just maybe, I was ready to let go of Reed.

I realized shortly afterwards that I already had. After all, given the choice between going to the bookstore with him and seeing my new friends (Riley being one of them), had I not chosen the new? What other explanation could there be?

"Rhea." I looked up at Marcus and shrugged apologetically.

"I told you she wasn't paying attention," Lionel said. His tone was warm, affectionate. That kept me from hitting him.

I smiled sweetly. "What did I miss?"

"We've decided that the four of us will wear the shirts with you on them and that you'll wear the one with the band name. Also, we're throwing four free shirts into the audience."

"But not the ones that you'll be wearing," I told them in my best warning tone.

Gus grimaced. "I wanted to, but I was overruled." The most amusing part of this exchange was that he was being serious.

"Yeah, well your pasty body would drive people away, and we're trying to build up our fan base," said James. Gus parted and laughed a little more.

***

I didn't know whether to be horrified or impressed with myself when I took almost an hour getting ready to go to the party on Friday even though the boys had picked out half of my outfit and I already had my standby hairstyle for the shows-- a mixture of carefully placed ratting, twisting, and pinning. The result was a little crazy, but I felt that that was appropriate, considering how crazy it was that I had this life, this band, at all. Besides, anything was better than my default ponytail.

Lionel had offered to pick me up, saying that he would need someone to give him directions and that being the least annoying person in the band had won me that honor. The car that pulled into my driveway at the appointed time, however, was not Lionel's at all. It was Reed's. I didn't realize this until I was halfway out the door, and when I did, I know that I froze up comically. The screen door banging into my side got me moving again and I forced a smile, a wave.

"Well, this is unexpected," I said once I had put my violin in the back seat and arranged myself in the front. I had been going for a friendly tone but it fell flat.

Reeds right hand moved toward me and I foolishly thought that he wanted to hold my hand, but he was just shifting the car into reverse. "This was the only way I could be sure of having a chance to speak to you tonight."

I frowned. "I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good friend lately."

Reed shrugged. "I let it happen."

I noticed then that his eyes looked bigger than usual and that he had a new furrow on his brow. "Are you okay?" I asked.

There was a moment of silence and I found myself wondering whether he would answer at all. He did, though. "No, I'm not." I exhaled the breath I had been holding and examined him cautiously. It was always terrible, this kind of moment where you were wondering whether it was better to ask for details or leave it alone.

"Reed, why did you want to talk to me?" I finally asked. This would both tell me something I was burning to know and would give him the opening to talk.

My pocket buzzed and a cheerful time interrupted whatever response he was about to give me. I knew that it was Riley. We had been texting a lot lately. Just then we were in the middle of a game, one that I should probably explain later so as not to take away from Reed's situation.

Reed cleared his throat and said, "I know that things changed between us for the worse and I know that it was my doing. I want to fix it."

I felt sick, hearing his words. I wanted to be pleased by them, knew that this was something I had once waited for... but then an image came unbidden to my mind: the look that Riley always wore when we were saying goodbye. I knew that Reed was expecting a response from me but all I managed to choke out was, "Oh." I listened for a minute to the radio, which was playing some jazzy song. "You're upset because your girlfriend broke up with you," I guessed.

Reed took a good deal of time checking his mirrors. "A couple of weeks ago. That's not what I wanted to talk aout, though." My heart sank at his words. He couldn't have just wanted to talk to me, oh no. He hadn't finally decided to choose me over her. It was only when she wasn't an option anymore that he sought me out.

But... well, that wasn't true, was it? He had been coming to shows for more than a couple of weeks, trying to get me to talk with him. I shook my head. "You had better tread lightly," I warned.

The car was painfully silent for the rest of the ride. When we arrived, though, Reed stuck by my side and I didn't have the heart to tell him to bugger off. Besides, I had missed him more than I could have ever realized. It felt right, being near to him again.

And he was single now.

Reed had just pulled me onto the dance floor when I thought this. He intentionally used just enough momentum that I fell onto him. I didn't step away. We danced.

***

After Back to Bach played, Alice joined us briefly backstage. She gave me a quick hug and a bit of paper was shoved into my hand. "You guys were fantastic," she said. Alice gave me an awkward grin and slipped away before I could do much more than stare after her.

I looked at the note. It was from Riley. It read, "I always knew that you were running from something. I'm sorry it caught up to you so soon." I frowned. What-?

The thought refused to complete itself. I thought that I knew what Riley had meant, what he must have seen: my dance with Reed.

I spent the rest of the night not altogether aware of what was going on around me.

I kept turning over the possibilities in my mind. If I went home tonight and called Riley, assured him that he had been wrong, that I wasn't running from Reed, that we were just a couple of friends having fun... well, nothing would have to change, would it? Things could carry on just as they had been and maybe I would be able to find it in myself, the ability to be as happy with him as I had always imagined I would be with Reed. Riley hadn't hurt me like Reed had. It would be healthier for everyone involved if I stayed clear of Reed, wouldn't it?

Oh, I spent the night agonizing over more than just what to do about Riley. I was equally distressed by the knowledge that I was in this kind of situation at all. I had never wanted to be this kind of girl. Despite all of my worry, I did manage to get some sleep and when dawn came, I knew what my choice had to be.