Fifty Words for Embarrassment

It was Saturday morning two weeks after my impromptu sleepover with Reed. He and I were lounging on my bed, having just finished a Lord of the Rings marathon. Reed was comparing battles, attempting to determine which was the best. I heard him say my name and realized that I had stopped paying attention several minutes ago.

“Sorry, what?” I asked, blinking sot hat his features came into focus.

Reed chuckled. “I asked whether you were listening. I winced guiltily. “What’s on your mind?” he asked.

“Lionel,” I answered. Reed’s brows shot up and he shifted so that he could better see my expression. “He told you I was seeing someone. Why?” I could tell from the look on Reed’s face that this had not been weighing on him like it had with me.

“I don’t know. He was probably just confused or maybe protecting me? My last relationship was a catastrophe. I was a mess for months.”

“But he knows me. He has to know that I would never hurt you if I could help it,” I argued, dissatisfied with his rationalization.

Reed leaned over and brushed his lips against one cheek then the other. “Don’t worry so much about it.”

I saw that this conversation would win me no answers and let it drop. We had rehearsal tonight. I would confront Lionel then. My band wasn’t like others. We were all very close with one another and there were no power struggles, no jealousy to cloud things. Simply put, we trusted each other. That was ruined for me until I got an explanation.

***

I called for an earlier break than usual, but the boys seemed not to mind. Marcus immediately claimed Florence, who had come to watch us practice, and headed upstairs. I went over to Lionel and took hold of his sleeve so he wouldn’t leave and waited as the rest of the boys cleared out.

When we were alone, I released my hold on him and searched for the right words. Lionel spoke up before found them. “Rhea, I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I know you’ve been seeing more of Reed. That’s a bad idea.”

It seemed I might get my answer without having to ask. “Why?”

“Because it’s not good for the band. Do you remember how things were back before New York City? I do. Your music output was diminished and sloppy. You were less focused during rehearsals, and don’t think I don’t know your secret.”

I wasn’t sure whether I was more confused or angry. Confusion won for the moment. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Lionel’s face distorted into an ugly, sneering expression. “Oh, Rhea, I think that we don’t have to pretend with each other anymore. I know about Liesl.”

“What does Liesl have to do with anything?” I let hostility leak into my voice so that he wouldn’t know about the sharp stab of pain his words inflicted on me. Liesl was a girl I used to care for. She’d had cancer, stage four. For a while, she lived with us because her mother had to work so much to pay for her medical bills. When she died, she was just four years old.

“Let me explain. Susan, the last girl to break my brother’s heart, was a young mother too. She was messed up. Needy. Always going on about how much she wanted a whole family. When someone becomes a mother, that’s all she cares about. It doesn’t matter if the kid is dead. Last time, Reed got so wrapped up in the relationship that it changed him, and not for the better. Then she ended it and it destroyed him. What Reed needs is stability and Rhea, you’re a good person, but based on your past, I have to believe that you’re even more unstable than Susan was.”

I gaped at Lionel. “You’re speaking nonsense. What, you think that I was Liesl’s mother?”

Lionel said, “Of course. What, did you think you’d managed to keep that a secret?” I had never seen this side of Lionel before. Where was it coming from? Had he always been so malicious?

“She wasn’t mine.” I pulled my shirt up and tugged a little on my jeans so that all of my abdomen was exposed. “Look, no stretch marks. Do you see this tattoo? It’s a little faded, yeah? I’ve had it for years. It’s not stretched out either.” The tattoo I was talking about was of three bird silhouettes which were carrying a key. I had gotten it for my sixteenth birthday, three years ago. I was hoping that he wouldn’t realize it had been inked on after Liesl was born. Lionel stepped closer and examined my skin.

“There are creams to reduce scarring,” he said dismissively. “This proves nothing.”

I yanked my shirt down and stomped over to my violin, putting it away. “That’s fine, since nothing is exactly what I have to prove to you.” I thrust my bow into its slot and zipped my case shut. My sheet music would have to stay; I couldn’t take another instant in his presence. On my way up the stairs I almost knocked Flo down. She opened her mouth to speak to me, concern clouding her lovely features, but I shook my head and kept running. I blew past Reed on my way out, not bohering to acknowledge him. I knew that any words I spoke now I would regret later.

I threw my car door open and unlocked the other doors so I could put my violin in the back seat. In the half-minute it took for me to do that, Florence deposited herself in my passenger seat. I said not a word as I got in and pulled out. A spare glance toward Lionel and Reed’s house showed me that Reed was still there in the doorway, watching me. He looked concerned. Florence must have noticed that I was watching him in the rear view mirror because she said, “He wanted to come but I told him to let me handle it.”

I nodded and maintained my silence. I was still too upset to explain what had happened. Florence dug through my CDs and popped in my favorite, a collection of Vivaldi’s work. That was the best thing she could have done. As I sped down the road toward my favorite park, I relaxed into the music, playing along in my head. When we arrived, I got out and led Florence throughout a patch of trees. We sat on the bench that they concealed. I was ready to talk now, and explained everything to her. Before I was even halfway through, Florence’s arm came around me. Her comfort gave me the strength I needed to finish.

“Oh, Rhea,” was Flo’s only response for a long time. We sat in silence for a bit while I absorbed the peace that this place always had to offer. “I was always a little worried about Lionel. He seems unstable.”

“What? He was always so nice to me before.”

Florence shook her head. ‘I never wanted to tell you this, never had any reason to before, but he wasn’t always so nice. You should have seen the looks he shot you during practices when he thought no one was looking. I overheard him telling Reed once that he heard you had an STD. I butted in and told him he was wrong, but...”

I pulled away from her, feeling a sting of betrayal. “What? And you never told me? Florence, that was wrong.”

She frowned. “Rhea, I didn’t think that it would matter so much. Besides, the band always seemed so cohesive. I knew that if I told you, the dynamic would be off. I didn’t want to ruin it for you. I didn’t imagine this would happen.”

We were quiet for a bit longer before I told her, “I’m sorry. I understand. You were protecting me.” I leaned my head on her shoulder. My phone buzzed, but I ignored it. There wasn’t a single person I wanted to hear from just then.

“What are you going to do? Will you tell Reed? Will you stay in the band?”

“I don’t even want to think about the band right now. I don’t see how I can keep it up and I don’t see how I can let the boys down. They count on me. But Reed... well, I think he deserves to know. Besides, I don’t know if Lionel ever mentioned Liesl to him. If he knows about her, he really should hear the truth.”

Florence nodded, jostling me a bit. “It’s going to work out, you know. And at least now the full story is out.”

“I wish it wasn’t.” My phone buzzed again and, exasperated, I pulled it out of my pocket. It was Reed. I answered. “Hi, Reed.”

“Are you okay?” he asked, skipping formalities.

I sighed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Do you want to come over tonight?” Reed agreed. I told him to be there at nine and hung up.

“I’m going to stay with a friend tonight, okay?” Florence said. “I’ve been meaning to catch up with Stacy Keller, anyway.”

I didn’t want her to go too far, but I knew that she was trying to give me privacy with Reed. I shuddered to think about the hours after he left. I didn’t want to be alone. Still, it would be worth it, I thought. “Thank you, Flo.”