Fifty Words for Embarrassment

I could hear Florence sniffling before I even opened the door. I poked my head back into the kitchen. “Hey, Reed? Can we take a rain check? I think this is going to take a while.”

Reed walked over and gave me a brief hug. “Of course. Just let me know if you can’t make it to band practice. I can break it to the guys.”

I nodded gratefully and went to Florence. I opened the door and all I could see of her was shaking shoulders and blonde hair. The rest was buried under her blankets even though it was stiflingly hot in the apartment. “Flo? Honey?” I slid under the blankets and used my hand to prop up my head. She shook even harder. “What is it?”

“Marcus,” she said, and hiccuped. “He dumped me.”

“Oh, Flo.” Florence turned and cuddled into my side. I stroked her hair while she cried. It took a while. Eventually the trembling died down and she blinked a couple of times.

“He told me that it was too much,” she whispered. “Rhea, did I suffocate him? I thought I was giving him space. He said that he wanted me to come to practices! He said he liked to sit in on my pottery class. I didn’t call him more than once a day ever, and I didn’t text that much either. You know, just when I had something to say. How was it too much?”

“Maybe he didn’t mean physically, Flo. Maybe it was emotionally? Tons of guys have commitment issues, you know that.” Just look at Reed, I added silently. When he had gotten scared, he had invented a girlfriend. Heck, she’d even had a backstory. The point: boys are ridiculous.

“I don’t know. He looked so distant when he was talking. He didn’t even wait until we were outside, just walked me downstairs and did it.”

“That jerk!” A little bashing seemed appropriate.

Florence eyed me solemnly. “He has every right to break things off. I’m just glad he did it before things got any more serious.” Her eyes landed on her alarm clock. “It’s almost three! You’re running late for practice. This is the first one all week. You’ll be in big trouble if you don’t hurry.”

Just one of the myriad reasons I loved Florence was that she could be heartbreakingly selfless. “You think I care? You’re hurting. I’m staying here.” Nonetheless I sat up and pulled my phone from my pocket, shooting off a text to Reed asking that he tell the boys I wouldn’t make it.

“Don’t be silly. Besides, if you don’t go Marcus will know it’s because of me.”

“Yeah and what will that tell him? That you’re upset? Of course you are. There isn’t any shame in it, Florence.” She sighed, resigned, and nodded. “Good. Now, I’m going to run to the store and the library, but I should be back in fifteen. In the meantime you are going to take a shower, turn the thermostat way down, and get into your coziest pajamas. Am I understood?”

“Yes, sir!” she said, mock saluting me. Another tear ran down her cheek, but at least she was smiling. I tweaked one of her curls, which were already falling flat, and left.

My library trip was uneventful. I picked up a bunch of movies, grabbing everything that I thought Florence had the smallest chance of being interested in. I stayed away from romantic comedies. The store was a little bit more interesting, or had the potential to be. Riley was there, you see, with Alice and Justin. They were loading up a cart with all kinds of bad-for-you food. “Hey, guys!” I said. It was nice to see smiling faces. I knew that my night would be more tear-filled than smile-filled. They had caught me by the ice cream aisle.

“Uhm, Rhea? Explain please?” Alice said, laughing as she peered into my basket, which had six flavors of ice cream in it.

“It’s a ‘boys suck’ kind of a day,” I said, shrugging.

Alice grimaced in sympathy. “You’re alright, yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s my friend... and I really need to get back to her. I’ll catch you guys later, alright?” We said our goodbyes and I hurried back to the apartment.

Marcus’ car was in the parking lot when I got there. I swore loudly, grabbed my bags, and sprinted up all three flights of stairs in what had to be record time. Marcus was standing outside of our apartment, his forehead resting on the door. He looked up as I approached. It was a mark of how distressed he was that he didn’t blink twice at my ice cream-filled bags.

“What the hell, Marcus?” I demanded in a whisper. If Florence found out that he was here, things were going to go downhill. Fast.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” he said quietly.

“Yeah, well if you really want to help right now, you’ll get out of here before she hears us.”

“Rhea, I’m here for Florence. I need to talk to you.” My heart sank. Whatever this was, it couldn’t be good.

“Yeah, well Flo needs me right now. As far as I’m concerned, tonight you’re enemy number one. We can talk tomorrow.” I shoved past him and fought with my key. I managed to get the door open but Marcus’ hand shot out, gripping my wrist.

“You can’t make anything easy, can you? Normally I like that about you, but Rhea would you just listen for one minute? She’ll be okay for one minute.” I glared at him. Perhaps Marcus knew that this was the best opening that he would get, because he continued, “I was going to tell everyone together at the practice tonight, but then you didn’t show.” I opened my mouth but he cut me off. “Yeah, I know, it was my own fault. Just... Look, I’m moving, okay? My gran’s gotten sick and my parents are renting a house in Kansas. They’re going to stay there until... Well, they’re staying there to be close to her. I’m going with them.”

“You liar!” This I said far louder than I should. I froze, hoping against hope that Flo wouldn’t come investigating.

“What? No, it’s the truth.”

“You lied to Florence. You told her that the relationship was too much. Was that true?”

Marcus’ whole expression changed, shifted into sorrow. “No. I didn’t want her to be tempted to try something long-distance. I don’t know how long we’re going to live there. I don’t want to get her hopes up. It’s better this way.”

“You need to tell her the truth,” I told him point-blank. “And I need to put this ice cream in the freezer before it melts. Come on.” Since I wasn’t offering much in the way of choice, Marcus followed.

“Rhea?” he said quietly. I turned around and caught the flash of despair that passed through his eyes.

“Aw, honey.” I hugged him closely and we stood there for a moment. This had to be terrible for him. Yeah, I thought that Marcus was making the right decision, going with his parents. Knowing that it was right wasn’t going to make it any easier for him to go. It would mean leaving the band, his friends, his girl... his whole life.

“Rhea?” This was Florence. I withdrew myself from Marcus and gaped at her. “What’s going on?” Florence didn’t even spare a glance for Marcus. I silently cheered her on. Even though I couldn’t pretend that he was the bad guy here anymore, it was still good to see her not falling into a mess of longing goo at his feet.

“Florence,” Marcus whispered. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you.” I watched as he took her hand and led her down the hall to her room. I stayed in the kitchen to give them some privacy. This was the only room where I might not overhear things.

I pulled my phone out and called Reed. “Hey, did Marcus tell you?” I asked as soon as he answered.

“Actually, Lionel told me. He broke up with her, didn’t he?”

“Yeah.” I leaned back against the counter. “What was it you wanted to talk about earlier?” Now that things were a little more stable with Flo, I didn’t feel guilty asking. Besides, I was burning with curiosity. Whatever it was, it seemed serious. The kind of serious that I couldn’t think very long about without feeling really anxious. “Should I be feeling anxious?”

“Can we not do this on the phone?” Reed asked, sounding pained.

I shut my eyes and let myself feel the disappointment for a minute before I said, “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“I’m sorry. Is there any chance you can sneak away for coffee?”

I glanced toward Florence’s room although the door wasn’t visible from the kitchen table. “No. I’m needed here.” There was no way I was leaving until I was certain Flo was alright with being alone. Even knowing the truth would hurt her, I thought with a grimace.

“I thought as much. I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?” I agreed and hung up, then crossed the room and grabbed a tub of vanilla bean ice cream out of the freezer. I opened the top, grabbed a spoon, and started eating it straight from the carton. If there was ever a time that I deserved it, that time was now.

***

I didn’t hear from Florence until the next morning. In fact, neither she nor Marcus surfaced until after I had brewed coffee and fetched the mail. Neither looked like they had gotten much sleep. I had spent the night on the couch last night, since the living room didn’t share a wall with Florence’s bedroom and my room did. I still wasn’t sure whether this was a necessary precaution, as I had heard nothing coming from the room last night.

While I’m talking about this, I might as well confess that while I did not for an instant regret having stayed behind in case Flo needed me again, I was a little disappointed. I had stayed away from Reed for nothing. The curiosity that he had stirred up within me yesterday had only grown more intense overnight.

Florence and Marcus both poured cups of coffee and sat at the table in silence. I looked between them, wishing I could know what they had talked about last night. I wondered how Flo was taking the news that he would be leaving. I knew that she was really attached to him. This was going to be rough.

It took a while, but eventually Florence said, “Thank you for bringing him in last night. He told me that he wasn’t going to explain anything, the dork.” There was no bitterness in Flo’s tone. She was more forgiving than me and always had been.

I shrugged, smiled. “You know I’ve got your back.”

Flo wrinkled her nose. “Yeah, well, I’ve got yours too. That’s why when Reed calls you have to go off and meet with him, okay? Don’t worry about me. We can have our girls’ night later, after you get back.”

“But Flo-”

“Oh, don’t you ‘But Flo’ me,” she protested. Marcus snorted and took her hand, looking at her with the same goopy expression that he always wore.

It was that look that did it for me. “Fine. But I’m not staying out long and when I get back, we’re going to have some fun, you hear me?” Florence smiled sweetly and I got up to rinse out my cereal bowl. When I turned back around, Florence and Marcus were leaning in close, talking in murmurs. I smiled and left them alone. Probably they were anxious for some privacy.

I decided to call Reed rather than waiting for him. I was in the way here. He answered quickly and skipped the greeting part of a conversation. “Rhea, hi. I was actually about to call you. Does this mean that you’re able to leave for a bit? I have the house to myself. You should come. I’ve got brownies.”

And he was anxious again. Reed wasn’t usually so verbose. “That sounds great. I’ll see you in ten?”

“Great, yeah. See you.”

I hung up and stared at the phone. “Well that was strange,” I muttered to myself. Then I realized that I had said ten minutes when really I wasn’t even dressed yet. The drive was only five, but I still had to either hurry or make him wait for me.

In fact, I phrased that wrong. You see, I both hurried and made him wait. When I got there and knocked on the door, Reed had it open in seconds. He was holding a mug of coffee in his hand and thrust the coffee toward me. “Here, I made it the way you like.”

I smiled at him and took it. In truth I was getting a little anxious. He was seriously worked up. This was unlike Reed. Even back in New York City when he had been so panicked that he lied to me about having a girlfriend, he had still had the appearance of being relatively calm. Reed’s nerves were contagious. I went and sat on the couch to appease my trembling knees.

Reed sat next to me, further away than he usually would. My stomach turned. “Rhea,” he whispered, his eyes fixed on mine. I looked away. Whatever it was, I was suddenly sure that I didn’t want to hear it. Reed scooted closer so that our legs were pressed up against each other.

“Whatever you have to say, please just say it,” I said. My voice came out sounding strained. I refused to meet his gaze.

“Rhea, I don’t understand what you want from me.” I looked over toward Reed, trying to figure out whether this was a subject change or if it was the thing that he had been wanting to talk about. “You’re not saying anything.”

“Sorry. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what you mean. I thought you knew what I want.”

Reed shrugged helplessly. “Even if you think I know, would you please just say it?”

I opened my mouth, shut it. I didn’t have words for this. Or maybe it was that I had words but they were too embarrassing to say. I almost kissed him, hoping that that would be answer enough. I didn’t. No, I could still remember what had happened the last time that I had taken that kind of leap. It had gone terribly. I almost lost Reed, then. I would not take that risk again.

But why did it feel like such a big deal now? I mean, he and I, we kissed all the time. A couple of times we had even gotten to the removing-clothing part of it. I looked at Reed, silently pleading with him to say something, to do something that would make this- whatever it was- easier.

The front door opened. It was Reed’s mother, Lillian. She grinned when she saw me. “Rhea, dear, how are you?” Lillian bent down and removed her boots. She had yet to really look at either me or Reed.

“I’m alright,” I said in a small voice. I cleared my throat and made sure that my voice was stronger when I added, “It’s been too long. Where have you been hiding?”

“Oh, the hospital has been giving me these terrible hours. I never see any of you anymore.” Now she did turn around and look at the two of us and her smile froze a bit. I wondered what we looked like, whether the tension that I felt was written plainly across my face. I still felt vaguely sick and the way that she was looking at me, at Reed... well, it only made me feel worse.

I stood. “Reed, why don’t we go for a walk?” I still wasn’t sure what this conversation was but I was absolutely certain that it wasn’t the sort of thing that I wanted his mother to overhear.

Reed scrambled to his feet next to me. “Sure. We’ll be back soon, Mom.”

Lilian’s smile grew. “Alright. Rhea, you’ll stay for dinner, won’t you? I’m making chicken parmesan.”

Reed’s hand slipped into mine and when I glanced up at him he smiled softly. “Sure, that sounds great. Thanks.”

As we headed down the street in silence, I kept looking over at Reed. I noticed all kinds of things about him that I hadn’t paid much attention to before, like a particular freckle that was almost at the corner of his eye and the slant of his cheekbones. In the time that I had known him, he had become beautiful to me. “Reed, have I ever told you just how glad I am to know you?”

His eyebrows shot up. “In fact, you haven’t.” This was said with an attempt at cheeriness. It fell a little flat.

“Well, I am.” I thought for a moment. When was the last time that I had told Reed how I felt about him? Had I ever? I tightened my grip on Reed’s hand and pulled him to a stop so that I could look at him properly. “Have I ever once told you how very much you mean to me?”

Reed slowly shook his head. “No, you haven’t.”

I took a deep breath. “It’s scary, how much I feel for you. I think it would be scary even if you felt like this too. I wasn’t going to go here, not tonight and maybe not ever, but with you looking at me like that... Well, I think that I might as well go for broke. Reed, I love you. I mean, if I had to choose between never hearing Beethoven again and never seeing you again, I’d choose seeing you. If Lionel made me choose between you and the band, it’d be you again. If-”

I was cut off by Reed’s lips pressing against mine. I only let myself sink into the feeling for a moment before pulling away and hitting his arm. “Hey! I wasn’t done.”

Reed smirked. “I heard all I need to hear.” Then the Reed gave a funny laugh and grabbed my hands before whirling us in circles, around and around until we collapsed against each other, laughing. “I thought...” Reed hesitated, stroking my cheek as he swallowed, inhaled deeply, and began again. “I thought that you didn’t want me. You never said... You always acted like it was fine for us to be what we have been. I thought that was as much of you as I could have. I thought I ruined everything before. You never really forgave me for that, did you?”

I pulled away and glared. “What, for your having lied to me about having a girlfriend? Or are you talking about how you pushed me away for months without any explanation at all?” Reed looked alarmed and opened his mouth to respond. I cut him off before he could. “Look, Reed, I might not like what you did, but I understand... okay, I kind of understand, a bit. What I mean to say is that I am putting real effort into trying to understand what was going on in that testosterone-infected brain of yours. And I promise, if I was holding those things against you in the past, I don’t know. I can’t.”

“You’re too good for me.”

“You’re right.”

We stood glaring at each other for a few moments before a beatific smile appeared on Reed’s face. “But guess what, Rhea? You’re not going to be able to get out of this one. It’s too late for that. You see, now that I know you love me I’m not letting you get away again, even if you are too good for me. We’re going to give us a real shot, you hear? And I don’t expect any argument from you on this. I’m not giving you a choice.”

I turned my face away to hide my smile. “Are you threatening me into a relationship with you?” I asked. “Because that’s hardly a good note to start on.”

“You would know, being the musician. Just trying to establish who’s the dominant one right from the start, darling.” Reed took hold of my head, turned me so that I was facing me, and kissed me on the brow.

I laughed. “No, if we’re going to do this it will be on my terms.”

Reed looked concerned. “And what are those?”

I smiled. “Can we talk about that later? I have something more important to be doing.”

“What could be more important?” I gave him a sly smile and pressed myself against him. My lips lightly brushed against his and I felt his smile. “You’re right, we can talk later.” Strong arms came around my waist, pulling me in closer.