Have Faith In Me

Kellin’s blue eyes latched onto mine as he sat calmly in the chair. I ran my pointer finger across the surface of the blood stained rope, trying to look calm when on the inside my mind was screaming from pure adrenaline. Just one simple movement from Kellin made my nerves tremble and my heart race. Every movement and every look from him made me go insane. Sometimes I would think that he would be too much to take in- but I would never let Kellin know this, it would make me look weak, and I didn’t need that; not in a situation like this.

I didn’t want to hurt him physically anymore, I didn’t want to make him suffer, but after all I still had my doubts about this kid. I made a mental note to search for his file; which I probably wouldn’t be able to find because since no one really cares about anyone in here, they let every trace of them go- the people in here are pretty much erased from society and existence. I knew I didn’t really have much more time with Kellin today, considering they shorten the time a little day by day.

Kellin smiled at me as I held up the rope, he knew everything he said was right. I watched as his face didn’t cringe from the torture, and he seemed to be getting used to it. Even though blood would run down to his feet he still would act as if things were perfectly fine, and he’s really adapted well. After enough suffering on both of our sides I sighed, I knew this wasn’t the job for me from the get go, but it brings the money in since no one else would want to hurt people for a living. I didn’t say a word to Kellin after I was done. I felt horrible. My eyes didn’t sway from the ground as I walked out of the building into my car. I would save getting Kellin’s file for later, I just needed to be alone right now- one of those rare moments. I took the back roads and drove slowly, listening to sad songs and all I could think of is this isn’t the life I wanted to be living, but I could never get out of it.

Upon arriving home I found that I had a voice mail from an old friend, but I ignored it; knowing that they would just want something in the way of money, and that’s how everyone was now. My mind burned on one single question- Does anyone even have real relationships with each other anymore or is it just because they want something out of it? Something that was parasitic. I hoped the relationship I had with Kellin wasn’t like that, I hope he didn’t just want me to feel sorry for him and eventually stop the lashes; although, I could feel that there was something more there between us, something genuine. I really hoped he felt the same way also. And here I am again, over analyzing another situation, great. There was nothing else I could do though, no one to run to, to tell about my problems. I had to make the right decision in situations and if I didn’t then I was the one getting screwed in the end.

-----

Oli invited me out for lunch on our break and it was quite refreshing, because we actually had something to talk about: our work. We talked small talk for a little while then he would ask deeper questions like, “Do you like this job?” “What do you want to do after?” “How was your childhood?”

I responded with, “Yes,” which was a lie, I hate this job. “Become a millionaire,” I had no idea what I wanted to do after this. The last question really hit home though, I could never explain to him everything so I kept it at a smile, “Great."

On the other hand Oli let everything pour out, devastations, tragedies, and happiness. At some points I would begin to feel bad for him considering he had so much going on in his life. Then he explained how he used to be just like me, into drugs and no one was really around for him at all. This is when I started opening up to him. I explained to him about how my mother died at such a young age and my dad was never there to support me. My brother was the only one I could ever turn to but eventually he got tired of me and moved away. I begged and pleaded for him to stay, but in the end I realized that he should be doing what makes him happy and I shouldn’t stand in the way of that. I explained about the drugs too, “I think I started the harder ones when I was only fifteen, I mean I used to have friends in primary school and it’d be all fun and games. Then the year in middle school when my mom died everything went down from there. Drugs were my only friend; they would help ease the pain. Whenever I was sober I would feel immense pain, because no one told me to stop doing them and honestly, I didn’t think anyone cared for me, and that was the first year I attempted suicide,” I couldn’t believe I just told Oli my biggest secret.

I ran my fingers through my long brown hair and looked down at the table we were sitting in. It was almost deserted in this little place, but I needed it to be that way right now. I didn’t look at Oli to wait for his reaction because I knew his jaw would be hanging down to the floor. My grandfather told me that in the past suicide happened too frequently, but now it happens rarely, and if you attempted then you were looked down on; I mean prisoners do it all the time, but normal people? No. That’s why I could never let anyone know, I would be sinking my status down to the inmates.

Thankfully Oli accepted me. One hand clasped onto my shoulder, “Well, I think you’re great, mate.” I laughed at how he rhymed and eventually we both busted up laughing, filling the empty restaurant with joy. I smiled knowing that maybe if I told Kellin he would accept me too. But first, I would need to check out his file.

----

Oli and I arrived back at the jail and we finished up our schedules, well I basically just finished up with Kellin. I wasn’t going to do the lashes today, I couldn’t. Kellin sat on his bed and I sat as close to him as I possibly could. I knew this might be a little close for comfort to other people but I did’t care. It was late in the day and everyone at the facility was gone and Oli would be soon, too. I laid my head on his shoulder and asked him a question that I needed to know, “If you weren’t in here and you actually had a life out there do you think you’d be happy?”

Kellin moved his whole body away and laid on his bed. “I like to think I would be happy, but Vic, I’m already happy in here with you, knowing that I get to see you every day is enough for me,” He admitted. I managed to fit myself onto the tiny bed and pull myself closer to him, and then pulled the covers up to my head; I didn’t care if they were dirty. Kellin’s hands wrapped around my neck as he came to face me again, I could feel him scooting closer to me and he leaned his head in to kiss me; I got the same thing in my stomach as he did so, my nerves began to turn weak and I almost melted right into his arms. I kissed him back and he soon tried to pin me down to the bed. I wasn’t going to let this happen, not yet at least. I escaped his grasp and stood up next to his bed.

“I really have to be going home, I have things to do,” I lied. I locked his cell and walked out of the facility, but before I could I stopped myself. I jumped over the front desk and pulled out one of the drawers that was labeled ‘suspects.’ The content was scarce and I ripped through file after file, not finding anything about Kellin yet. I sighed, I knew there probably wasn’t anything about him or it got lost in the transfer. I pushed the drawer back in and jumped over the front desk; just to lay eyes on what looked to be Kellin’s file. Sure enough “Kellin Quinn Bostwick” was written across the top.

I began to wonder why it was out on the desk in the first place, but I decided to look through it. I read page after page about him, there was so much. One thing caught my eye, one thing I couldn’t believe. My heart stopped and my jaw dropped. What was I reading?