You've Got to Die Laughing

I smile slightly, trying to not display the shock that I feel seeing him this way. "Hi." I go to his bed side and awkwardly hug him. I sit in the chair next to the hospital bed and hold on to his hand tightly. He doesn't belong here. It's not right for him to be here. Why is this so hard?

"I'm glad you came." He sits up a little in the hospital bed, coughing the entire way. I close my eyes and try to hold back the shudder that wants to run through my body. I can't stand being around sick people. It makes my stomach feel cold and uneasy, like a nail is being hammered into me. I open my eyes and find him staring at me. "Are you still with that Nathan boy?"

Nathan was my fiance for a while. That ended after I caught the man with another woman a week before our wedding. "No. We separated a long time ago, Papa."

"Good. I always knew that man was trouble. You could do so much better than him anyways." I hate that saying. I mean, who is able to decide what a person deserves besides that person. No one else knows you completely. They don't know everything you've done. But for arguments sake, I agree with him.

"Yeah. I know. Is Grandma on her way to see you?"

"Oh you know your grandmother. She's on some mission trip halfway across the globe. They have no cell reception or whatever else you kids call those things you carry on you all day. She'll come when she gets some access to technology."

That sounded just like Grandma. Always on a mission to save the world. Personally, I feel like she does it to save herself. Some "self-redemption" type mission. She blames herself for son's and granddaughter'd deaths. Like she could control what happened. That was completely and utterly an act of God. I don't know why God takes away good people. I don't know why the "Almighty" could just leave well enough alone. My father and sister's deaths is the reason why I stopped going to church. My father and sister's deaths is the reason why my mom is never sober. Their deaths is the reason why my grandfather started swimming again. And their deaths is why my grandmother isn't here to support Papa. I blame it all on God. Grandma should too and save herself the time. God only knows what she will do in six months. Uh, I can't think about that. I'm here right now and so is he and that's all that counts.

"Yeah that's Grandma for you."

We sat there in an awkard silence for a while. Well, it wasn't silent.The beeping of the heart monitor resonated through the room, counting the beats of his heart like a clock counts the seconds. It placed me in another time when I didn't have to worry about anything. Father was still alive. Mother was sober. My grandmother actually hung around and socialized with her family. I was a Christian back then too. I was a child then. It was easier to believe in such things and accept them with such blind faith.

The memory that comes to me now is an Easter party at my grandparent's house. The house was so huge to me back then, like a castle. The rainbow colored Easter eggs were hidden cleverly all around the house and grounds. Me and my sister ran in our matching white dresses with pink sashes tied around our waists. Our long, wavy blonde hair was tied up in in pink ribbons and our white dress shoes were all dirty now. I remember mom got so mad because we ruined our church shoes that day. We laughed and laughed trying to beat the other in the number of eggs we collected. The grandfather clock struck twelve and Alex and I ran hand-in-hand until we were inside the house to eat lunch. I remember Grandma commenting that we were the cutest sisters she had ever seen. We were best friends. I mean, what girl isn't best friends with her twin sister? The beeping of the monitor slowly brings me back into the present.

"Where did you just go?"

"What do you mean?" I'm so confused by what he means. Is the cancer already spreading.

"You weren't here. Rather, you're mind wasn't here. Where did you go?"

"Oh. Something reminded me of Alex." I say softly. I don't want to remember her. It's too painful. We had been together since before we were born. And then she left. She disappeared from my life forever. My only friend in this world was taken from me. Hate courses through my veins. I hate God.

Papa nods his head. He understands me better than anyone else had. Anyone besides Alex that is. "That's completely understandable. I need you to do me a favor Alis."

"Anything. " The answer comes immediately, without hesitation as if my mind has become detatched from my body. I just want to curl up in bed right now and never wake up; not run errands around town.

"Use your key to the manor and go up into the library. On the very back wall, there's an old leather bound journal sitting on the very top of the middle shelf. Would you bring that back to me next time I visit? Don't open it though. I need to read it. It would be better coming from my lips, narrated in my voice."

"Alright. I'll bring it to you tomorrow when I come to visit."

"Thank you, doll."

I stand up and kiss his forhead. "No problem. Love you."

I start to walk out the door. "I love you too Alis." I shut the door behind me. I had no idea it'd be that hard.