Falling for You Was Out of My Control

Jessie’s POV
“You ok if Marc and V come over for lunch?” Evgeni sat up on the bench as I searched for something to eat.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I frowned shutting the fridge having not found anything of interest.
“Well with the… you know,” he waved his hands around trying to think of a way to say it, “Annabelle and the thing.”
“The miscarriage?”
“Yeah,” he looked sorry.

Honestly we hadn’t really talked about how we felt. I was sad and confused because I don’t think it had really hit yet.

“I am ok for now, but what about you?” I walked over to him and stood between his legs resting my head on his stomach.
“Up set, let down but be ok,” he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head.
“Let down by me?” I pulled away and looked up at him.
“No,” but I could tell he was hiding his feelings from me.

“Is not your fault,” he pulled me back into his arms and really I was too tired and missed him too much to even bother picking a fight with him about it.

But it really did worry me that I was eventually just going to crack. I didn’t know who I was going to blame or what irrational thing I was going to do but I just had to go along with life until then.

“Hey guys,” I smiled as our friends walked into the dining room where I had taken to playing an intense game of solitaire on my computer.

“Look,” Evgeni walked in holding Annabelle’s hand as she giggled walking next to him.

That image there was enough to tear my heart apart thinking about how I could have had Evgeni teaching our own child to walk and play with.

“Hey baby girl,” I put my hands out to catch her because I couldn’t take this out on anyone else, it wasn’t their fault.

Annabelle had grown up so much since I had seen her last, for a start she was walking but she was looking more and more like a little girl. She was dressed in a little yellow dress with a white cardigan and I really whished that someday soon Evgeni and I would have that.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the little girl the whole time they were there and when they weren’t on her they were on Evgeni watching him play with the little girl.

“So are you guys thinking about having kids soon?” Marc spoke up as Evgeni sat back down with Annabelle in his lap and snatched a biscuit from table for her.
“We might do,” I shrugged grabbing a biscuit for myself.

This was definitely a touchy subject. I hadn’t talked about it to anyone yet but now kids were all people wanted to know about I didn’t think dealing with this miscarriage was going to be easy.

“Are you ok?” Vero looked over with concerned eyes.
“Yeah I am fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“YES V I AM FINE!” I scared myself as it just came out of my mouth and everyone looked at me with horrified eyes.

“I am sorry, I just… I need some time alone,” I got up from the table and rushed upstairs. Maybe I wasn’t going to be ok. Maybe I was really going to breakdown thinking about what we had missed out on.

Evgeni’s POV
I was so worried about Jessie. She hadn’t been the same since and even if it wasn’t obvious to other people I could see it. I could see how much she was hurting and how much she needed something to fix it, what I didn’t know but I was determined to help.

“Jessie…” I opened the door to our bedroom and peered in to find her curled up in bed with the dogs, “I come in?”
“Yeah,” she sounded miserable and didn’t even bother to look at me as I slipped in next to her.

“I am sorry,” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into my chest.
“It’s ok,” she began to cry wrapping her arms around me.
“We will be ok,” I assured her dropping a kiss to her forehead.
“How do you know?” she looked up with sad tear stained eyes.
“You come Russia? Mama help?”
“How is your mother going to help?”
“She try if you let her,” I suggested tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.
“Ok I guess we could.”

If there was one thing my mother was good at it was fixing things and right now Jessie needed someone who would just be there for. I could be there but I didn’t know what to say to make her feel any better, that was what my mother could do.