Falling for You Was Out of My Control
I Can't Keep A Secret Much Longer
Jessie’s POV
“You sure you ok?” Evgeni looked at me as we walked into the foyer of the little orphanage.
“Can you please just stop this,” I pulled my hand from grasp, “I am fine.”
Ksenia and I stepped back as a woman appeared with a broad smile and started speaking rapidly in Russian to Evgeni and Sergei. There was a small child hiding behind her who looked up at me with curious face before I waved and a smile cracked onto his face.
“Come on,” Evgeni put his hand out for me but I wasn’t going to take it. I could handle myself here, I didn’t need to be right by his side every second of the day. Besides he was here for the kids, not me.
We followed them outside to where all the kids were playing. For children without their parents they seemed rather happy. All had bright smiles on their little faces as they played.
“So what are they doing exactly?” I turned to Ksenia.
“Well they usually come and brings toys and play equipment, donate money and just play with the kids.”
Of course they played with kids. Evgeni already had one up on his shoulders within the first few moments of joining them, while Sergei pushed another on the swings.
“How do you know?” I said vaguely staring at the ground in front of me.
“How do you know what?... is everything ok?” she took the seat next to me.
“I don’t know,” I sighed looking up at everything going on, only for my eyes to land on Evgeni who had a huge smile on his face as he played with the little boy who had been staring at me before, “yes, everything is wrong,” I shook my head letting my head fall into my hands.
“Anything I can do to help?” she put her hand on my back.
“I wish,” I sighed.
“Well has Evgeni done something…”
“No,” I cut her off, “No, Evgeni has done nothing wrong.”
I stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of her, racking my fingers through my hair hoping to find something to relieve the knot in the pit of my stomach. Nothing was helping though, nothing was going to stop me from living in this hell I was in.
“Evgeni’s perfect, he’s more than perfect and being with me isn’t what he needs, I just can’t bring myself to let him go.”
“What?” she stood up and grabbed my shoulders stopping me from going crazy right there in front of everyone, “of course you are. Evgeni is like a son to me and I have never seen him with someone more perfect for him.”
“I am not, he deserves better,” I was almost certain I was going to cry as she pulled me in for a hug.
“You are and all of this is going to get better, I promise,” she made me look at her.
I didn’t know what to think. I knew that without Evgeni I wouldn’t be anything. My life was with him, our dogs, and the house. We lived together and the next logical thing was getting married and having kids, but that wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t because we might have been moving too fast, it wasn’t because of the miscarriage, it was more than that and we were going to have to deal with it.
“Evgeni,” I spoke into the silence of the dark bedroom as I sat up staring at his large form next to me.
“Mmm,” he sounded almost asleep but there was no way I was going to sleep, not with all this mess running through my mind.
“When are we going to see your parents?”
“Soon,” he groaned.
“I need to speak to your mum.”
“Why?”
“Oh come on Evgeni,” I was suddenly feeling angry, “you can’t tell me that we are fine,” I didn’t want to actually yell at him so before I could do anything else I climbed out of bed and face planted on the couch finding it much more comfortable.
Maybe just getting out of the same room as him was all I needed for a while just so I could fall asleep, or at least almost sleep.
“Jessie,” his voice was quiet as I heard his footsteps get closer to me, “you talk to me?” I could feel his body heat as he sat on the edge of the couch.
“Jessie,” he put his large hand on my back and rubbed in slow circles.
I wanted to answer him, I wanted to tell him what was wrong. He deserved to know all along but I couldn’t make myself talk.
He huffed in a sigh and picked me up, I was expecting him to carry me back to bed but he didn’t. He just slipped in underneath me and pulled the blanket from on the back of the couch over us.
“I love you Jessie, I am here, I stay, we fix it,” he spoke softly as he ran his hand through my hair over and over lulling me to sleep before placing a kiss on my forehead.
I loved him. I love everything about him, he is the most perfect human being in the world and if I couldn’t just man up and tell him then I would have to just leave.
“You sure you ok?” Evgeni looked at me as we walked into the foyer of the little orphanage.
“Can you please just stop this,” I pulled my hand from grasp, “I am fine.”
Ksenia and I stepped back as a woman appeared with a broad smile and started speaking rapidly in Russian to Evgeni and Sergei. There was a small child hiding behind her who looked up at me with curious face before I waved and a smile cracked onto his face.
“Come on,” Evgeni put his hand out for me but I wasn’t going to take it. I could handle myself here, I didn’t need to be right by his side every second of the day. Besides he was here for the kids, not me.
We followed them outside to where all the kids were playing. For children without their parents they seemed rather happy. All had bright smiles on their little faces as they played.
“So what are they doing exactly?” I turned to Ksenia.
“Well they usually come and brings toys and play equipment, donate money and just play with the kids.”
Of course they played with kids. Evgeni already had one up on his shoulders within the first few moments of joining them, while Sergei pushed another on the swings.
“How do you know?” I said vaguely staring at the ground in front of me.
“How do you know what?... is everything ok?” she took the seat next to me.
“I don’t know,” I sighed looking up at everything going on, only for my eyes to land on Evgeni who had a huge smile on his face as he played with the little boy who had been staring at me before, “yes, everything is wrong,” I shook my head letting my head fall into my hands.
“Anything I can do to help?” she put her hand on my back.
“I wish,” I sighed.
“Well has Evgeni done something…”
“No,” I cut her off, “No, Evgeni has done nothing wrong.”
I stood up and began pacing back and forth in front of her, racking my fingers through my hair hoping to find something to relieve the knot in the pit of my stomach. Nothing was helping though, nothing was going to stop me from living in this hell I was in.
“Evgeni’s perfect, he’s more than perfect and being with me isn’t what he needs, I just can’t bring myself to let him go.”
“What?” she stood up and grabbed my shoulders stopping me from going crazy right there in front of everyone, “of course you are. Evgeni is like a son to me and I have never seen him with someone more perfect for him.”
“I am not, he deserves better,” I was almost certain I was going to cry as she pulled me in for a hug.
“You are and all of this is going to get better, I promise,” she made me look at her.
I didn’t know what to think. I knew that without Evgeni I wouldn’t be anything. My life was with him, our dogs, and the house. We lived together and the next logical thing was getting married and having kids, but that wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t because we might have been moving too fast, it wasn’t because of the miscarriage, it was more than that and we were going to have to deal with it.
“Evgeni,” I spoke into the silence of the dark bedroom as I sat up staring at his large form next to me.
“Mmm,” he sounded almost asleep but there was no way I was going to sleep, not with all this mess running through my mind.
“When are we going to see your parents?”
“Soon,” he groaned.
“I need to speak to your mum.”
“Why?”
“Oh come on Evgeni,” I was suddenly feeling angry, “you can’t tell me that we are fine,” I didn’t want to actually yell at him so before I could do anything else I climbed out of bed and face planted on the couch finding it much more comfortable.
Maybe just getting out of the same room as him was all I needed for a while just so I could fall asleep, or at least almost sleep.
“Jessie,” his voice was quiet as I heard his footsteps get closer to me, “you talk to me?” I could feel his body heat as he sat on the edge of the couch.
“Jessie,” he put his large hand on my back and rubbed in slow circles.
I wanted to answer him, I wanted to tell him what was wrong. He deserved to know all along but I couldn’t make myself talk.
He huffed in a sigh and picked me up, I was expecting him to carry me back to bed but he didn’t. He just slipped in underneath me and pulled the blanket from on the back of the couch over us.
“I love you Jessie, I am here, I stay, we fix it,” he spoke softly as he ran his hand through my hair over and over lulling me to sleep before placing a kiss on my forehead.
I loved him. I love everything about him, he is the most perfect human being in the world and if I couldn’t just man up and tell him then I would have to just leave.