Falling for You Was Out of My Control

“Come on we have to go,” I rushed around the nursery restocking Andrei's nappy bag.
“We ready,” he sat in the rocking chair with Andrei in his lap rocking back and forth making him laugh.
“Evgeni,” I sighed, “I need you to help.”
“Ok,” he got up and walked over to me but I just couldn't let myself relax right now like I normally did so I headed out into the kitchen to grab my things.

“Jessie,” he put his hand on my shoulder as I kept fussing with the things in my bag, “just relax.”
“I have been asking you all morning to help me; the dishes, cleaning the kitchen, hell I have even got dinner ready and all you have been doing is playing with him. This was meant to be a two person thing and so far I feel like it's all me,” I took Andrei from him and snatched the keys from the table and headed out to the car.
“I am trying,” he followed quickly behind me, “you not let me.”
“I have given you plenty of chances to step in and help out but you only ever start doing this when I say something about it.”
“Jessie,” he steadied my hand as it shook while I tried to buckle Andrei in.
“No Evgeni don't,” I shrugged him off again, “I just want to get this doctor's appointment out of the way with already,” I struggled with the belt but eventually got him safely in, “if you didn't want this then maybe you should have said something about it.”
“But I do, not exactly how planned, but I want it.”
“Not exactly how you planned?” I frowned, “well then how did you plan it?”
“I think maybe be married and then have kids,” he shrugged.
“Why didn't you say something?” I could feel the anger rise in my stomach, “I never planned on not being able to have kids, I never planned on losing that baby, I never planned on any of it.”

I stopped for a second and sighed, frustration getting the better of me as a tear rolled down my cheek.

“Come here,” he turned me around and pulled me into his arms. There was no escaping what was stirring up inside of me, I had never been so scared in my life. Even after everything we had been through watching Andrei go through all of this was really getting to me.

“Is ok,” he whispered running his hand up and down my back, “he going to be ok.”
“How do you know?” I cried wrapping my arms around him.
“Because Andrei can do anything, he is ours, we all do together,” he kissed my forehead.
“Ok,” I mumbled.

I needed him to just hold me for a while as I let all my emotions drain out of me and he knew that. I had to be kept together while we were at the doctors otherwise I didn't know how I was going to handle it.

“You ok now?” he cupped my face and ran his thumbs back and forth over my cheeks.
“I will be fine,” I pulled back and wiped the tears away with his help, “I am sorry.”
“Want me drive?” he reached out and grabbed me around the waist pulling me back to him.
“Ok.”
“Come on,” he opened the door and helped me into the passengers seat.

He went back and buckled Andrei in before going into the house and grabbing his things and returned.
“Is ok,” he grabbed my hand kissed my ring a pressuring gesture he had already started doing all the time now.

I never really understood how my emotions worked and how I could be so angry at him one second and the next melting into his embrace, but it happened every time.

“Evgeni I am sorry about what I said,” I spoke into the silence of the car.
“Your stressed, not mean it,” he grabbed and pulled it into his lap letting his thumb slide over the back of my hand softly.
“I just can't lose anything again, after basketball and the baby I can't do it.”
“You not, we here. Andrei and me not go anywhere.”

Watching Andrei go through all the tests with the doctor I realized that it was probably harder on me than it was on him. He didn't seem to mind all the machines too much and the attention, he loved it.

I knew this whole process was going to be hard and I knew there would be more fights to come but in the end it had to work out. Andrei was everything to me and he was everything to Evgeni and I hadn't meant to accuse him of anything less than that. I guess I just needed some time to work on myself otherwise I was going to crack.