You Saved Me

Okay, so for you to understand my story, I need to give you some background on my life. Here goes.

I'm a tomboy at heart. I pretty much hate anything girly but that doesn't mean I hate all things feminine. I don't really have that many friends that are girls, and the friends that I do have aren't, well, they aren't exactly the best people around. Most of my friends are guys which is weird because I really don't like guys. Drake, Terrence, and Stone (that's his actual name, I'm not even kidding) got me in to drugs. Anything that you can smoke, snort, or inject, I'll take. I don't really see the harm that everyone talks about. I mean sure, you can get a little dizzy and calm, but other than that, it's nothing. It helps me forget everything.

What would I need to forget? Well, my home life for one. My mom and dad split when I was little. My mom doesn't seem to care about anything besides her current boyfriend. My dad only cares about his new trophy wife. He screams at me and my brother Blake all the time, calling us things using vulgar language that I'm trying to not use. My dad though understands that I am the way I am and doesn't try to change me. My mom on the other hand, tries to make me wear frilly skirts and dresses and heels that make me want to throw up.

My dad knows most of my guy friends as well. They came over all the time, just walking in the front door without even knocking as if they owned the place. This is probably why my dad was completely surprised when he found out what they did to me. Ever since then, I don't really like guys all that much. To be honest, they kind of disgust me. I find myself everyday becoming more and more attracted to girls. My mom would kill me if I ever became a lesbian though.

Anyway, it's hard feeling this way. I don't like it. I'm disturbing myself. I look at my life constantly, see what I've done and what I'm doing and what I've become and it hurts me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to change the way I am though. I am the way I am, and nobody is going to change that. Not even myself. I don't see the point. I don't care if I live or die. I don't matter to anyone. And hey, if I'm having fun living the way I am, then what does it matter? It doesn't. And if I don't care if I live or die, then I can do dangerous things without it even crossing my mind twice. I really don't care anymore. Not about anything. Even myself.

My closer friends who can see through the fake smile that I paint across my face like a freaking circus clown think that I'm messed up. That my life is a wreck. They should mind their own business. If they really care about me, then they'll let me live the way I want to live without trying to guilt me out of it. I hate people like that. They annoy me more than anything. Even freshmen. It's weird because I am one, but I am way more mature than anyone in my grade. Trust me, they're all like children that I have to watch over. It sucks, but like I've been saying, I don't care about anything, nothing at all.

Another thing that you should know to understand me is that I've tried to kill myself...multiple times. You think that God would get the hint that I don't want to be here. That is, if there is a God, which there's not. I'm too deeply rooted in science to ever believe in the existence of an all knowing, all powerful God. If he was real and if he was all powerful and if he's supposed to be "good", then what happened to me would never have happened. That's why I don't believe in God. If there was one, then bad things wouldn't happen to good people, especially not to fourteen year old girls.

Nothing that I try works though. I've tried slitting my wrists and bleeding out, but the crimson liquid stopped flowing on it's own. I've tried overdosing on pills. My body just rejected it though and I threw it all back up...unwillingly of course.

I don't know. Maybe this will help you understand why I am the way I am and understand my perspective of everything better. Obviously, no one has cared about my feelings or my mortality, so why should I?