Dearest Shinya...
With all my heart...
Dearest Shinya,
You piss me off. You confuse me. I want to throttle you, just to see if I can get some sort of reaction from you. You give me migraines, day after day. That is how often I’m thinking of you. You’re killing me, you parasite. You’ve leeched every ounce of dignity, hope, and compassion out of me. And yet, in my heart, you’re all that I want. You’re all that I need. I couldn’t get by without you. You’re my addiction. You’re a fucking cigarette; my sweet relief and ultimate demise. I wish I knew how to get off you. And yet, here I am…time and time again by your side. But really, this time, this is it. I swear.
So let me start at the beginning, the first day I met you…
“Airi!” Daisuke’s voice squeals outside the door. I growl to myself, questioning whether or not I should let my brother inside. “Airisu! Please?! It’s so cold out!” His voice grows impatient and annoying. I sighed, rising to my feet and stomped to the door. You were tucked under his arm, your pale face hidden beneath thick, auburn hair. It hung in loose coils down to your narrow waist where your short skirt fell. Thin legs were hugged by fishnet stockings as you struggled to stand upright in the tall heels you wore. Your face was caked in thick makeup, but I wasn’t fooled for a second. Your lonely eyes flashed to mine for only a second, and I pitied you. I guess that was my first mistake.
“Thanks Airi!” Die exclaims, quickly ushering you inside and toward his room. I could smell the stench of cigarettes and alcohol on his body, and I rolled my eyes, grinning to myself. I wonder how long it would take Daisuke to realize…
I plopped down in front of the television again, returning to the program I’d been interrupted from. Infomercials. I couldn’t help chuckling at the poor acting. Before long, I heard Die’s scream enter the hall. I bit my tongue, fighting back laughter.
“You still have to pay me!” A raspy voice proclaims, desperation in his voice.
“No fucking way! You never told me you were a dude!” Die’s voice responds, infuriated. I slowly increased the volume on the television.
“It doesn’t matter! You owe me!” He growls. I spot Daisuke fleeing from his room, his face flushing as he sees me. You quickly appear behind him, your bloodshot and tired eyes on me now. They quickly begin watering up as they dart between the two of us. “I…I just need enough to buy a meal.”
I shake my head, immediately glaring at Die.
“We didn’t do anything! I wouldn’t have!” He growls, stamping his feet. “Just…make it a sandwich and get it out of here! Dirty thing…” He snarls, disappearing out the door. You drop to your knees in defeat, hiding your face in shame. Mascara drips down your features, staining your pale complexion.
“What would you like to eat?” I question, moving to your side to rest my hand on your quivering body. Your sobs increase to wails, and I sigh recognizing hopelessness when I see it. “You can take the couch tonight.”
And that was the day you came into my life. You lived off my couch, contributing what you could. Daisuke eventually came around, especially once he realized what you had to offer: Your talent. Sure, you gave all you could-cooking, cleaning, shopping, running errands, etc. But you came to life on that drum kit.
I watched you, day after day in the garage, pounding away as loud and proud as you could. Day in and day out.
“Dammit Shinya! You missed the beat again!” Kyo hollers, kicking an almost empty water bottle across the room. It snaps against the fall, bouncing to the concrete floor where it stays.
“I’m sorry!” You stutter, bowing your head in shame. Kyo growls, obviously agitated.
“Take a break Kyo.” Kaoru sighs in his Leader-sama tone. He tosses a pack of cigarettes toward the small singer who eagerly accepts, disappearing from the garage. Kaoru gently massages his eyes, narrowing them toward the floor.
“Okay guys, from the top.” He demands, strumming and drumming instantly following. I returned my eyes to you, biting my lip in nervous anticipation. Were you okay? What a silly question…you were in your element. You were beautiful. And you didn’t miss the beat this time!
I longed to know the true Shinya. At home, you were controlled and quiet. Still, you dressed in women’s clothing, hiding the truth beneath this façade. There was an air of regality and nobility about you when you hid beneath your clothing. But still, I desired to know the man behind the mask. Who were you?
I opened myself to you after that. I poured my heart out to you.
“I love you.” I whispered against your naked chest, the soft air raising goose bumps on your skin. There was a genuine smile on my lips, and I longed to see it on yours. Your soft voice hummed in response as your eyes fell closed, disappearing into a sweet slumber. Day in and day out, we were inseparable. I breathed for you, lived for you.
Your supple lips were intoxicating. Your far away eyes were alluring. Your docile demeanor was a mystery. We stayed up all hours of the night exploring each other’s bodies. Your soft hands on my skin made me writhe in pleasure. Your lips caressing my neck, whispering sweet nothings, was irresistible. The sweet sensation of you slipping into me and filling me made me gasp in ecstasy. Oh Shinya, you were divine.
I gave myself to you, again and again, until I had nothing left to give. And still, I was no closer to knowing who you truly were. I had no clue of your past, no idea of your future. I saw no gate into your soul. I knew not what your feelings even were towards me. One day, you’d finally had your fill of me.
“We should see other people.”
Those words shattered me. You shattered me. You left me, just as you were finally getting somewhere. I’d realized then, we’d switched roles. I was now that “woman” I invited to my couch. I had nothing, because I’d given everything to you.
I saw you and the others off as you boarded your flight, all your belongings going with you. I said my farewells to my brother, embracing him in a tender hug. I wished Kyo, Kaoru, and Toshiya a safe journey. But I met your eyes. Your sweet face brings only happy memories behind. You brought the best out of me. The love I felt for you was something I needed to truly exist as a person. I kept my mouth closed tight. What could I say to you? What should I say to you? I was drawing a blank…
So I said nothing.
Shinya Terachi, I am writing you this letter to express that which I could not say to you. Now that I am not a lovesick puppy, I can think clearly.
I hate you, with every fiber of my being. Your mysteries, your hesitance, your altruistic nature, your spinelessness, your ignorance and carelessness, your lies and broken promises, your honesty, your mixed signals, your friendship…
Those same things are what make me love you. Those confounds that make you who you are, I love every bit of you.
I wish I knew whether I loved or hated you. It’s confusing being caught here in the middle.
So, I’m writing you this letter to say goodbye. Goodbye to you, the man I love and hate. Good luck to you, my brother, Kyo, Kaoru, and Toshiya. Good luck to Dir en Grey! I wish you all the best! I’m leaving for America to study medicine. I hope to better myself as I’ve learned so much from our time together. I am doing this for myself, just as you and Dir en Grey are doing for yourselves. So please, return the luck my friend!
With all my heart,
Airisu Nakamura
You piss me off. You confuse me. I want to throttle you, just to see if I can get some sort of reaction from you. You give me migraines, day after day. That is how often I’m thinking of you. You’re killing me, you parasite. You’ve leeched every ounce of dignity, hope, and compassion out of me. And yet, in my heart, you’re all that I want. You’re all that I need. I couldn’t get by without you. You’re my addiction. You’re a fucking cigarette; my sweet relief and ultimate demise. I wish I knew how to get off you. And yet, here I am…time and time again by your side. But really, this time, this is it. I swear.
So let me start at the beginning, the first day I met you…
“Airi!” Daisuke’s voice squeals outside the door. I growl to myself, questioning whether or not I should let my brother inside. “Airisu! Please?! It’s so cold out!” His voice grows impatient and annoying. I sighed, rising to my feet and stomped to the door. You were tucked under his arm, your pale face hidden beneath thick, auburn hair. It hung in loose coils down to your narrow waist where your short skirt fell. Thin legs were hugged by fishnet stockings as you struggled to stand upright in the tall heels you wore. Your face was caked in thick makeup, but I wasn’t fooled for a second. Your lonely eyes flashed to mine for only a second, and I pitied you. I guess that was my first mistake.
“Thanks Airi!” Die exclaims, quickly ushering you inside and toward his room. I could smell the stench of cigarettes and alcohol on his body, and I rolled my eyes, grinning to myself. I wonder how long it would take Daisuke to realize…
I plopped down in front of the television again, returning to the program I’d been interrupted from. Infomercials. I couldn’t help chuckling at the poor acting. Before long, I heard Die’s scream enter the hall. I bit my tongue, fighting back laughter.
“You still have to pay me!” A raspy voice proclaims, desperation in his voice.
“No fucking way! You never told me you were a dude!” Die’s voice responds, infuriated. I slowly increased the volume on the television.
“It doesn’t matter! You owe me!” He growls. I spot Daisuke fleeing from his room, his face flushing as he sees me. You quickly appear behind him, your bloodshot and tired eyes on me now. They quickly begin watering up as they dart between the two of us. “I…I just need enough to buy a meal.”
I shake my head, immediately glaring at Die.
“We didn’t do anything! I wouldn’t have!” He growls, stamping his feet. “Just…make it a sandwich and get it out of here! Dirty thing…” He snarls, disappearing out the door. You drop to your knees in defeat, hiding your face in shame. Mascara drips down your features, staining your pale complexion.
“What would you like to eat?” I question, moving to your side to rest my hand on your quivering body. Your sobs increase to wails, and I sigh recognizing hopelessness when I see it. “You can take the couch tonight.”
And that was the day you came into my life. You lived off my couch, contributing what you could. Daisuke eventually came around, especially once he realized what you had to offer: Your talent. Sure, you gave all you could-cooking, cleaning, shopping, running errands, etc. But you came to life on that drum kit.
I watched you, day after day in the garage, pounding away as loud and proud as you could. Day in and day out.
“Dammit Shinya! You missed the beat again!” Kyo hollers, kicking an almost empty water bottle across the room. It snaps against the fall, bouncing to the concrete floor where it stays.
“I’m sorry!” You stutter, bowing your head in shame. Kyo growls, obviously agitated.
“Take a break Kyo.” Kaoru sighs in his Leader-sama tone. He tosses a pack of cigarettes toward the small singer who eagerly accepts, disappearing from the garage. Kaoru gently massages his eyes, narrowing them toward the floor.
“Okay guys, from the top.” He demands, strumming and drumming instantly following. I returned my eyes to you, biting my lip in nervous anticipation. Were you okay? What a silly question…you were in your element. You were beautiful. And you didn’t miss the beat this time!
I longed to know the true Shinya. At home, you were controlled and quiet. Still, you dressed in women’s clothing, hiding the truth beneath this façade. There was an air of regality and nobility about you when you hid beneath your clothing. But still, I desired to know the man behind the mask. Who were you?
I opened myself to you after that. I poured my heart out to you.
“I love you.” I whispered against your naked chest, the soft air raising goose bumps on your skin. There was a genuine smile on my lips, and I longed to see it on yours. Your soft voice hummed in response as your eyes fell closed, disappearing into a sweet slumber. Day in and day out, we were inseparable. I breathed for you, lived for you.
Your supple lips were intoxicating. Your far away eyes were alluring. Your docile demeanor was a mystery. We stayed up all hours of the night exploring each other’s bodies. Your soft hands on my skin made me writhe in pleasure. Your lips caressing my neck, whispering sweet nothings, was irresistible. The sweet sensation of you slipping into me and filling me made me gasp in ecstasy. Oh Shinya, you were divine.
I gave myself to you, again and again, until I had nothing left to give. And still, I was no closer to knowing who you truly were. I had no clue of your past, no idea of your future. I saw no gate into your soul. I knew not what your feelings even were towards me. One day, you’d finally had your fill of me.
“We should see other people.”
Those words shattered me. You shattered me. You left me, just as you were finally getting somewhere. I’d realized then, we’d switched roles. I was now that “woman” I invited to my couch. I had nothing, because I’d given everything to you.
I saw you and the others off as you boarded your flight, all your belongings going with you. I said my farewells to my brother, embracing him in a tender hug. I wished Kyo, Kaoru, and Toshiya a safe journey. But I met your eyes. Your sweet face brings only happy memories behind. You brought the best out of me. The love I felt for you was something I needed to truly exist as a person. I kept my mouth closed tight. What could I say to you? What should I say to you? I was drawing a blank…
So I said nothing.
Shinya Terachi, I am writing you this letter to express that which I could not say to you. Now that I am not a lovesick puppy, I can think clearly.
I hate you, with every fiber of my being. Your mysteries, your hesitance, your altruistic nature, your spinelessness, your ignorance and carelessness, your lies and broken promises, your honesty, your mixed signals, your friendship…
Those same things are what make me love you. Those confounds that make you who you are, I love every bit of you.
I wish I knew whether I loved or hated you. It’s confusing being caught here in the middle.
So, I’m writing you this letter to say goodbye. Goodbye to you, the man I love and hate. Good luck to you, my brother, Kyo, Kaoru, and Toshiya. Good luck to Dir en Grey! I wish you all the best! I’m leaving for America to study medicine. I hope to better myself as I’ve learned so much from our time together. I am doing this for myself, just as you and Dir en Grey are doing for yourselves. So please, return the luck my friend!
With all my heart,
Airisu Nakamura