Another Sentimental Argument

Billie and I did have breakfast that morning after I eventually emerged from the bathtub. Some toast and grapefruit that we ate sitting on his balcony. The air was chilly and cutting and the sun never seemed to come out from its hiding place behind the clouds. We ate quietly and shared some small talk through shy smiles. I saw Billie rub the back of his neck sheepishly so many times in that short amount of time that I almost started doing it as a monkey see, monkey do kind of thing. Luckily, I held out on that one.

Shortly after, I left and thanked him for taking such good care of me while I was drunk. I wanted to say so much more than that of course. Stuff like "thanks for existing", "thanks for letting me look at you because you've got a perfect face and even nicer eyes", and "thanks for talking to me and telling me I was pretty that one night when we were both young in high school"... But I wanted to keep things brief so I didn't really bother to mention any of that.

We hugged in his doorway and he watched me go. When I reached the bottom of the stairs, I turned around to give him one final wave but he was already shutting the door. My heart deflated, my head fell, and I slowly turned the corner to go home. As soon as I stepped onto the sidewalk, the sun decided to come out and try its hardest to blaze through my skin. I was still quite hungover so every glare was blinding. Everything about me that once felt so light, now felt so heavy. I dragged my feet beneath me down the cement, thinking I couldn't reach home soon enough.

After a great deal of time, I reached my apartment and trudged through. I was sad and sort of wanted to cry so I closed the curtains to get rid of the sun and laid on the couch, curled up. Some tears escaped but it hurt my head too much to sob. I looked at the ceiling, wondering when I would see him again. Wondering if the next time was gonna end with us kissing or me crying. I had a brief thought of "why do I do this to him." And another tear slid down my cheek because I didn't know. Why did I make things so hard? And then another thought of "why do I do this to myself." No answer for that one either. After that, I fell asleep.

Days later, I saw the flyer on a lamp post. Walking to my car after a long shift at work, it glowed green and pulled me toward it. His band's name was listed third. I looked at it for a long time under the streetlight. I felt a cold shiver down my back and I turned to get in my car. I could still see it through my windshield, across the lot. A stomach-turning bright green stared right back at me. It had been almost a week since I last seen him. His bright green eyes I think about a lot. I tried squinting through the glass. As if the longer I stared, maybe it would just disappear in thin air. It never did. And when I got in bed later, it burned behind my eyelids for hours.

I laid in bed staring at the wall, feeling like my entire heart was just a black hole that would swallow me up. I felt too small in my bed but too large in my own head. I knew that I missed him. And I knew that it was time I admitted that to someone other than myself.

A sigh leaves me and I close my eyes only to see his.