Fall Away

Someday when this is over,
we may still have no answer.
For now it's when I hold you,
we are closer, we are closer.

"Where are we going?" Jack asked Evan when they all piled into Evan's car.

Thankful that he didn't bring his car and they'd chosen to walk, Jack sat down in the back with Alex.

"The hospital," Evan stated, turning on the engine and backing out of the parking spot. It was a tight fit and, of course, a classic example of parallel parking leaving Evan struggling a bit. He clutched the steering wheel extra tight as if that would keep the car in the perfect position.

"And why are we going to the hospital?"

"Shhh," Evan scolded, waving a hand to shut him up.

"Do you even have a license?" Jack asked worryingly, scared for his life when the car jerked forward violently and Evan slammed on the brakes.

"I obviously do," he grunted, pulling out of the parking spot after another minute of struggling.
"He flirted with the proctor so he could pass the test," Alex giggled, "It was a gay guy; poor idiot didn't realize Evan likes vagina."

Jack snorted.

"Why are you laughing?" Evan glared, purposefully swerving the car to the left for a millisecond before staying straight on the road, causing Jack to jump in his seat. Evan laughed and stuck his tongue out immaturely.

"Alex is funny."

This prompted Alex to wink at Jack who let out a soft sigh, his hand reaching across the middle seat. Alex noticed immediately; face lighting up with joy as he laced their fingers together. Jack ignored the feeling in his gut telling him how right it was, how good their hands felt together.

It was silent as they all stared out their windows watching the road. The ride took five minutes and as they pulled into the parking lot of the hospital Jack could feel Alex's grip on his hand tighten. Only then did he comprehend that Alex would be seeing himself for the first time as an outsider. Humans don't see themselves outside of mirrors, Jack realized, feeling his stomach twist because this would be hard on the other boy and he didn't want him to hurt.

"I'm scared," Alex whispered, leaning into Jack as Evan parked the car.

"It's going to be okay, you've got me." Alex nodded, eyes wide as he leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Jack's lips. They pulled away and shared a secret smile. Evan finally finished parking and got out of the car. Jack opened the door and hopped out of the car, stretching as Alex came out and stood beside him.

Evan nodded his head toward the hospital, turning and walking expecting them to follow. Jack stared at the huge network of buildings, taking in the seven floors and multiple smaller structures stemming out of the center building. It looked like a prison and Jack knew Alex agreed when he could feel slim fingers wrapping tightly around his forearm. They began the walk towards the hospital and Jack knew that, of course miracles happen in there- cancers cured, broken bones fixed, wounds stitched, babies born- but he also knew that it was miserable, because for every baby born, there was a person dying in the hospital, living their last days attached to tubes. His stomach clenched when Alex’s name flashed through his mind and he gasped, because Alex would not die, he couldn’t die in a shitty hospital.

The big sliding doors opened automatically and they all walked straight to the reception area in the lobby.

“How may I help you?” An elderly woman looked up from the computer screen, chewing a piece of gum vigorously and Jack found himself wondering if the gum would get stuck in her dentures.

“Uh, we, uh, came to visit someone?” Evan sputtered out, nervous under her scrutinizing glare. It was as if she was harshly judging them for the simple fact that they were teenagers. She stared at them, her eyes scanning over their features as if she were waiting for a sign to appear, something along the lines of “I SMOKE WEED” painted on their foreheads or a hint that they might start throwing the magazines laid out next to hard plastic chairs.

“For every nice old grandma, there’s a fucking witch like this one,” Alex grumbled, his hold on Jack’s arm tightening. He shuffled even closer to Jack, as if making up for the fact that they couldn’t hold hands in the hospital. Jack secretly admired the way Alex seemed to need to be close to him.

“Name?” The woman finally asked.

“Gaskarth. Alex Gaskarth.” Jack stated.

She typed something into the computer, her long nails taping loudly against the keyboard. A baby started crying a few feet away and Jack sighed because it was taking so long to get a room number.

“And who are you?” She asked.

“I’m listed as a contact,” Evan muttered. “Evan Kirkendall. And this is Alex’s boyfriend, Jack.”

“He’s not listed as a contact.” She looked up, smirking as if she finally found something to get them in trouble for.

“I was in Costa Rica,” Jack said, barely disguising the disgust in his voice at her. “I didn’t have a chance to list myself as a contact and his parents didn’t know my information. I’m his boyfriend, and I’d like to see him.” He stated, ignoring the way his throat tightened around the word ‘boyfriend.’

She hmphed. “Sorry, hospital policy states you can’t go in.”

“Listen here,” Jack jumped forward, his hands resting flat on the table. “I will have you fired in two minutes if you don’t give me his room number and a visitor’s pass.”

She rolled her eyes, clucking her tongue, and muttering something along the lines of ‘damn teenagers.’ “Building C, Room 605.” She picked up two pieces of paper, handing them to Evan. “Your visitor passes.”

“Thank you.” Jack spat, grabbing a sheet from Evan which he realized was a sticker. He took the sticker and stuck it on the front of his shirt, the label stating that he was a visitor.
They all silently walked through a set of hallways, following signs until they found themselves in Building C. When they got into the elevator going to the sixth floor, Evan started laughing.

“What?” Jack asked.

“You’re pretty menacing for a twig.”

“Shut up, Alex loves my body. He practically drools over it.” Jack smirked.

Seconds later he felt a hand grabbing his butt, causing him to jump up and swat a hand at Alex. “Dude, don’t touch my ass.”

“Well you said I drool over it, which I do, I was just showing your body how much I love it.”
Alex countered, crossing his arms and pouting adorably.

The doors to the elevator opened and they all stepped out, walking down the hallway marked “Comatose Ward: Rooms 600-630.”

“So you guys fucking yet?” Evan interrupted, leading them both to turn and gape at him. “I mean, you might as well be. I could sense the sexual tension in there and I can’t even see Alex.”

“I- uh”- Jack stammered.

“Its fine you know, I mean, you can obviously feel Alex or whatever this weird situation is where you can touch him and maybe some sex will help release the tension so I could stand in an elevator with you two without suffocating in hormones.”

“Evan!” Jack exclaimed. “We are not having sex! Even if we were to have sex, we’d wait; I mean I’ve only known him for a month and a half.”

“Funny how you had sex with Kyle when you only knew him for a day,” Alex snorted.

“Can we drop it?!” Jack yelled.

Evan shrugged, wondering why Jack got so angry and figured that Alex must’ve said something. “We’re here anyway,” He stated, pointing at the door marked ‘605.’ The door was closed, and Jack stared at it in worry. He could once again feel Alex’s hand finding his own, their fingers interlocking.

The hallway was rather empty, only a few nurses and doctors walking in an out of rooms and a couple of relatives clearly visiting their family members.

Jack grew scared that perhaps Alex’s parents would be in there and he would have to explain how he got in without any real permission. But when Evan opened the door to the room carefully there was only a nurse in there. She was wearing blue scrubs and examining the machines, writing details on a clipboard. She looked up when they came in, quickly pulling the drapes shut so the patient was out of view.

“Oh! Hi, I’m Maria, I’m a nurse here. You came to visit Alex Gaskarth?” She smiled softly waiting for a response. They nodded. “Okay, sorry I closed the curtains, I wasn’t sure and we like to keep the privacy of our patients. So, afternoon visiting hours are over in ten minutes but you can come back for evening hours later as well.”

“Thank you,” Evan said.

“I’ll be on my way now,” She finished writing something on the clipboard. “Remember, don’t touch the machinery, don’t disturb Mr. Gaskarth, and please, if anything goes wrong, or if he wakes up, please let someone know immediately.” With that she smiled a final time and stepped out of the room, leaving the door open just a crack. “Doors can’t be closed, sorry.”

Jack felt bile rising in his throat as he thought over the fact that Alex wouldn’t wake up yet, it was impossible. And Jack was growing increasingly worried that he might not be able to fall in love with Alex in time, because sure, he probably could eventually. But he knew himself, and the Lebanese boy was big on one night stands because relationships were always too much effort. But it seemed the ghost was making an impression because they had a date soon, which Jack was still unsure of how Alex was going to make happen, after all-

“Jack, Alex? He’s here right?” Evan asked, interrupting Jack from his thoughts.

“Uh, yeah, he’s beside me.” Jack raised their interlocked hands showing Evan yet again.

“Okay, um, just be prepared okay, Alex doesn’t look too good.” Evan smiled nervously and opened the curtain.

The gasp beside Jack was unmistakably ghost Alex, but his eyes couldn’t leave the boy lying in the hospital bed. The boy was laid out with his hands at his side, his face blank, eyes closed. There were bruises on the inside of his arms where IV’s were stuck in, and a face mask over his mouth. Jack could see a few scars on Alex’s arms that had been stitched up. He could see his thin body protruding from the blankets and suddenly the beeping of the machines keeping the boy alive was way too obvious. There were various bags hanging off of a hook filled with different liquids, going into his bloodstream. Jack could see his caramel hair losing its color and growing rather long, despite having been most likely cut by nurses. Alex had slight stubble also probably due from the nurses having not shaved it in a while. The boy in the bed looked well kept and clean, but he was undeniably sick. Jack wished he could remove the image from his head, wished he could still see the glowing albeit pale ghost in his mind. Because real life Alex was pale but he looked dead, as if he is already a corpse. In that moment Jack realized that all of the movie scenes of coma patients were untrue. No amount of makeup or perfect movie directing could make a real person look this dead. It became so much more obvious that Alex was dying, each day getting closer and closer to never recovering and waking up.

He stepped closer to the real Alex, feeling ghost Alex’s hand clutch even tighter as he walked behind Jack. Once Jack was only inches away from the comatose boy he carefully reached out a hand and lightly ran his ringers across his cheekbone. He couldn’t help but expect for Alex’s eyes to open and tell him to fuck off or even better, lean into the touch. But he didn’t, he didn’t even stir.

“F-fuck, I can’t,” Jack whispered, letting his hand drop onto the boy’s shoulder.

He heard a light sniffle behind him and turned towards Evan but found that Evan was simply sitting in the corner of the room staring at the boy sadly. His eyes swept towards the ghost only to find him standing there with his mouth in a wide ‘o’ shape, a fist in between his teeth as he bit into his knuckles, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Ev? Can you leave for a minute?” Jack asked, removing his hand from the comatose boy and turning to the soul instead.

“Of course,” He nodded, quietly walking out of the room.

When Evan was gone Jack looked at Alex, pressing the pads of his fingertips to his cheeks.

“Look at me.”

He looked up at Jack, trying to smile but failing when his bottom lip trembled. “I’m sorry, it’s just, and I’m practically dead. Without those machines, I wouldn’t be alive.”

“No, no Alex, don’t you fucking dare think like that. Every time we get closer, your body is slowly getting better, your brain healing itself. You have to believe, baby.” Jack ran his fingers up and down the side of his face, their eyes meeting. He felt like he was lying, his throat closing around each word, because he didn’t know if Alex would make it out alive. And he hated how much of it relied on him. As if he could force feelings.

“It hurts, Jack, to see the way you look at the real me. I mean, as if I’m already dead, but yet you look so sad, as if we could’ve actually had a chance at something great if I had never gotten hurt. We could’ve been so perfect.” He mumbled, his voice getting louder towards the end until he was practically yelling, tears leaking from his eyes.

“Alex,” Jack grabbed his wrists, pulling his hands down from his hair where they’d been pulling on the strands. He took a deep breath, finally letting out the truth, admitting it to both himself and the ghost, despite it being rather obvious before. “I like you. I look at you just the way you say I looked at your body, because you’re here. You’re real to me, and I promise, I’m not giving up.”

“Y-you like me?” He hiccupped.

“Of course angel. I do, I finally confessed it to myself. I promise.” Jack cupped Alex’s chin, pulling their faces closer and pressing their lips together. Their lips slipped and pressed softly, causing for little sparks of warmth. “Let’s get out of here; your body isn’t you right now. You’re Alex’s soul, you’re Alex. And I happen to like Alex Gaskarth.”