Dirty, Rotten Bastard
Ten
Billie Joe found himself in the basement as of late, usually within close proximity to the bar fridge despite his medication telling him it was a bad idea. Adrienne didn’t seem to care though; his own wife watched on as he took his pills, for pain relief, mild depression and anxiety, with a mouthful of beer. The list only seemed to be growing. He set his guitar down in his lap for a moment and leaned his head back on the arm of the couch, just listening to the painful silence that his life had become. If it weren’t for his love of creating music, he wasn’t sure how he’d be coping with it all. He was used to the annoyance of footsteps as he tried to record demo tracks. Today there were none. Adrienne would avoid being home during the daylight hours as much as she could, coming up with excuses like meetings and birthdays. Once the sun set at night, she would claim to be tired and head off to her bedroom. Her bedroom. Billie now exclusively slept in the spare. Adrienne hadn’t told him he wasn’t welcome back into their room with her – not in so many words.
Billie picked his guitar back up, struggling to see the fretboard through the tears in his eyes.
“I’m missing you.
I’m missing you.
You’re not around and I’m a complete disaster.
I’m missing you.”
Adrienne stood on her front porch for a good 10 minutes trying to keep the images of her children in her mind as she finally unlocked the front door and took a step inside. She was quiet, but not quiet enough to cause conversation. She dropped her keys into the bowl on the table by the door and took off her jacket, pausing to remember her mother’s scent as she’d hugged her, and her words of wisdom as they flooded her mind.
“You should leave him now, while there’ll be no question about who gets custody of the kids.”
Adrienne had already had that idea floating about in her head, but she just couldn’t do that to him. Or her children. This wasn’t their fault, after all. Though their relationship felt beyond repair, she knew of his ability to fix them. He’d done it before. Hell, their relationship had started as a long distance one, something Adrienne had told herself she’d never do, and he’d made that work for her. Billie Joe always made things work…
Adrienne passed through the kitchen, not at all surprised to see there were no dirty dishes anywhere to be found. She wasn’t sure if Billie was actually cleaning up after himself lately or if he really wasn’t eating. That thought had hit her hard. As much as she despised him right now, she was never the type of person to watch another struggle. Although she wasn’t very hungry herself, she decided she’d make a little effort to make dinner tonight.
After her internal heated argument of ‘you should make him something to eat’ versus ‘but he doesn’t deserve it’, all Adrienne could muster up were a couple of bowls of heated canned soup. She rested the bowls on plates so she could carry them down to Billie – there really was no question as to where he would be. Sometimes, she had the heart to worry about him spending so much time in the basement without his bandmates. Her footsteps got a little quieter and slower as she heard his singing coming from the gap beneath the door.
“Sometimes I wonder if I should be left alone
And lock myself up in a padded room.
I'd sit and spew my guts out to the open air
‘Cos no one wants to hear a drunken fool.
Everything she does questions my mental health.
It makes me lose control
I just can't trust myself.
If anyone can hear me slap some sense into me
But you turn your head and I end up talking to myself.
Anxiety has got me strung out and frustrated
So I lose my head or I bang it up against the wall.”
She only found herself halfway down the stairs to the basement before she had to stop. Carefully, she placed the plates down on the stairs before sitting down, herself, finding her head in her hands and running them through her hair as she cried in a way she simply hadn’t cared to since the whole incident had begun. She realised more than ever in that moment that she still cared, very much. Hearing the song he’d written for her over 20 years ago certainly had a point to make.
Billie picked his guitar back up, struggling to see the fretboard through the tears in his eyes.
“I’m missing you.
I’m missing you.
You’re not around and I’m a complete disaster.
I’m missing you.”
Adrienne stood on her front porch for a good 10 minutes trying to keep the images of her children in her mind as she finally unlocked the front door and took a step inside. She was quiet, but not quiet enough to cause conversation. She dropped her keys into the bowl on the table by the door and took off her jacket, pausing to remember her mother’s scent as she’d hugged her, and her words of wisdom as they flooded her mind.
“You should leave him now, while there’ll be no question about who gets custody of the kids.”
Adrienne had already had that idea floating about in her head, but she just couldn’t do that to him. Or her children. This wasn’t their fault, after all. Though their relationship felt beyond repair, she knew of his ability to fix them. He’d done it before. Hell, their relationship had started as a long distance one, something Adrienne had told herself she’d never do, and he’d made that work for her. Billie Joe always made things work…
Adrienne passed through the kitchen, not at all surprised to see there were no dirty dishes anywhere to be found. She wasn’t sure if Billie was actually cleaning up after himself lately or if he really wasn’t eating. That thought had hit her hard. As much as she despised him right now, she was never the type of person to watch another struggle. Although she wasn’t very hungry herself, she decided she’d make a little effort to make dinner tonight.
After her internal heated argument of ‘you should make him something to eat’ versus ‘but he doesn’t deserve it’, all Adrienne could muster up were a couple of bowls of heated canned soup. She rested the bowls on plates so she could carry them down to Billie – there really was no question as to where he would be. Sometimes, she had the heart to worry about him spending so much time in the basement without his bandmates. Her footsteps got a little quieter and slower as she heard his singing coming from the gap beneath the door.
“Sometimes I wonder if I should be left alone
And lock myself up in a padded room.
I'd sit and spew my guts out to the open air
‘Cos no one wants to hear a drunken fool.
Everything she does questions my mental health.
It makes me lose control
I just can't trust myself.
If anyone can hear me slap some sense into me
But you turn your head and I end up talking to myself.
Anxiety has got me strung out and frustrated
So I lose my head or I bang it up against the wall.”
She only found herself halfway down the stairs to the basement before she had to stop. Carefully, she placed the plates down on the stairs before sitting down, herself, finding her head in her hands and running them through her hair as she cried in a way she simply hadn’t cared to since the whole incident had begun. She realised more than ever in that moment that she still cared, very much. Hearing the song he’d written for her over 20 years ago certainly had a point to make.
♠ ♠ ♠
This sprung from the clips Billie Joe posted playing an acoustic version of Missing You recently. My little heart broke.You can listen/watch here