Weightless

*1 Year Later*

Graduation. Something every high schooler dreams about. Dreaming about that they will be walking up onto that stage, accepting their diploma. Every high schooler’s dream. A day they all look forward. Well except me. Sure, yes this is supposed to be a happy day, a memory, but right now? That’s not how I’m feeling. In fact, in this very moment I’m terrified. Yes, I do want this to be a night of memories, a night of pure happiness, I don’t deny that I wanted it, but something in my mind won’t let me accept it. First off, my parents are in London on some kind of a business trip, leaving me on my own. Well, not technically, Jack is here. Thankfully his parents allowed him to get ready, knowing me and my situations. But Jack had no idea this is what I was thinking, or at least I hoped so. Jack knew me better than anyone else, sometimes even more then I know about myself.
I knew he was suspicious of my behavior. I was acting as if I was panicking, and I won’t lie. I was panicking. To the point I began to shake. This wasn’t good. At the rate I was going I would be in a full on panic attack. Three fucking hours before graduation. Graduation. That word was like poison to my mind. What would happen after graduation? I applied to several colleges, but never got accepted. I was going to be nothing. A nobody. I would never amount to anything, I’d just be a piece of dust flying through the wind. Passing by everyone and no one would even think to take a second thought to look in my direction.
“Alex?” Shit, Jack was heading back to the room, and I couldn’t control my shaking. Trying to stop it made it worse. I had to sit up against the wall. Even though I knew that wouldn’t help, it was just an instinct. “Alex?!” He was yelling now, worry was now over taking his voice with each time he called my name. I could hear his footsteps increasing, picking up to a steady jog. I didn’t know if he entered room, I had my head rested on my knees that I pulled up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them tightly. My shaking increasing. It was like I was going into cardiac arrest. My chest tightening up, but the truth? I wasn’t going through a heart attack, no, it was a panic attack. One that was more intense, a full on attack.
“Oh god” Jack whispered. He was kneeling in front of me, his hands on my arms, moving up and down, a technic he used to start to calm me down, but tonight it wasn’t working. “Alex, I need you to look up at me babe”. But I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head. My whole body felt numb. The only responses I could give were verbal, if my voice decide to work. “ Is everything numb?” Jack being an 18 year old, a normal guy like him shouldn’t know this much about attacks, what was going on, why I couldn’t move, but the reason why he did? Me. I had so many attacks with him it was unbelievable.
“Yes” I grumbled, trying to lift my head up to meet his eyes at least, but it wasn’t working in my favor. I lost the feeling of Jack’s hands on my arms, as if they weren’t even there anymore. This wasn’t going to be a short attack; no it was full on attack. I was never good at calming myself down; sometimes I would make it worse trying to calm myself. But thankfully for Jack he knew almost everything to calm me down, or at least to reduce the numbing so I could move.
“Alex, I need you to listen to me, ok? I want you to focus on my voice; I want you to try to let everything else slip away. Can you do that for me?” he knew I wouldn’t be able to answer, but he knew I would try my best to let his words slip into my panicking mind. “Just listen to my voice. Concentrate on my words. Nothing else Babe. Don’t think about anything, the numbing, and the shaking anything like that. I need you to focus all on me.” And that’s what I did; I focused on every word he continued to speak.
After 20 minutes of him shooting out phrase like “focus on me”, “Concentrate on my words and nothing else”, I was finally able to lift my head to meet his brown puppy eyes. “I’m sorry” I mumbled. My words slurring together.
“Don’t talk like that ok? I need you to focus on me.” It sounded easier. He knew I would try my best, but he knew what was coming, as I did. The numbness started to creep in again. Taking over my body. This was one attack Jack wouldn’t be able to help with. No matter what he tried nor how long he did.
“Alex,” tears started to overcome his eyes. I didn’t want him to cry, but he knew there wasn’t anything he could do besides call an ambulance to get me to a hospital “it’s going to be ok.” He said searching his tux pocket for his phone. The only thing he could do, call 911.
“Promise?”
“I Promise.” His words were followed with a kiss to my forehead and his shaky figures having troubles pressing the three simple numbers, 9-1-1.
I could hear the faint clicks of three buttons, and I knew he was doing it for the best. It had been about 2 hours into my attack and I started to escalate even more.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”. He thankfully put it on speaker, knowing I’d need to hear it or I would panic even more.
“I need an ambulance at 23 Lank Drive now!” Jack choked out, his words almost unrecognizable. I knew he was worried, but I couldn’t have him worked up. I needed him to be calm, to stay sane. But I couldn’t say anything. It was like my voice ran away deep into a black forest, lost for now.
“Sir, what’s going on?” the women asked on the other end.
“He can’t calm down. He’s getting worse….” Jack trailed off, I could hear him shut down. He was breaking down.
“Sir, I need you to stay calm and explain everything, ok?”
“Alex. He has anxiety disorder and suffers from extreme panic attacks, and I think he’s going through both. Please, he won’t stop shaking and he isn’t able to talk. Please I need an ambulance!”
“What is your relation to Alex?”
“Why does that matter?”
“I need to know”. I didn’t need him arguing, not right now, he was already getting worked up enough, and this was always my fault. Maybe if I wasn’t this way, that maybe, just maybe I was born normal, me and Jack would be on our way to graduation. But giving it a second thought, if I was born normal, Jack wouldn’t be in my life, he wouldn’t be the man I love, he would have been a friend and always stayed a friend. He wouldn’t be here right now. He wouldn’t be the one saving my life.
“Jack…” I croaked, my voice returning, but only for a short time, “Please don’t..” and that was it, my voice gone, only slight, muffled moans escaped from my lips.
I wish I could have seen his face, his reaction. That was my way of letting him know I’m still ‘here’, but I couldn’t. My only knowledge of him taking what I had said was his sigh. A sigh of some relaxation, a sense of ease. “I’m his boyfriend…”
“ What’s Alex’s last name?”
“Gaskarth. G-A-S-K-A-R-T-H.”
“And your name?”
“Jack Barakat. B-A-R-A-K-A-T. Please ma’am hurry.”
“We have an ambulance on its way now Jack. What I need you to do it try to get Alex to…”
“I know you’re trying to help, but this isn’t my first time with this. Sure I’m calling an ambulance, but I’ve been with this boy for a year and I’ve known him since we were 7, and honestly I have seen every single part of him. And trust me when I say this, I know what I’m doing and what to do for Alex, but tonight? There isn’t anything I can do; tonight has just gone too far, too intense for both of us, and right now it would be in his best interest and mine as well that he needs a doctor ”. I couldn’t help but smile at those words. Yes, it did seem rude to cut her off, but Jack knows what he’s doing, and God forbid if anyone would tell him anything different.
“I understand Jack, but…”
“Listen to me ma’am, I did everything. I know so much about these attacks and what to do, but there is nothing that I can do, only a hospital can help him unfortunately.”
“Alright. The ambulance should be there any minute now.” And the next thing I could remember was the sound of a call ending.