Weightless

I still haven’t been released from the hospital. It’s been three days since the attack. Jack has barely left this room. Staying here next to me, trying to keep me smiling. But one thing that kept bugging me was that my parents weren’t here, they probably weren’t even notified.
“Alex?” Jack repeated my name once more. i just wanted to go home, I didn’t want to be in this hell hole anymore, it was overwhelming, and I couldn’t handle overwhelming well. I had to go.
“Jack, I need to get out of here…I can’t…” my breathing was getting heavy, my chest tightening on me. I knew it was coming, it was a matter of time. After every major attack it is always followed by a minor one, and today was the day it was going to happen, and I wasn’t going to stop it. I was use to these tiny ones now, but then I remembered that Jack was here, and knowing him, he would calm me down immediately.
“Alex, are you going-“
I cut him off, “Yes” I groaned, numbness taking over my body.
“Let me-“ I cut him off once more, my hand tightening on his. I knew he wanted to go get a nurse, but they would just sedate me, and I wanted to tough this one out.
“No”. my head was sinking down. My thoughts were everywhere. Graduation, my parents, Jack. Jack was always my biggest concern. I never knew what these attacks did to him, what stuck with him. I didn’t want him to live with this, to see me like this. I couldn’t have those images burned into his mind forever, that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe it was time, time to let go. I know, Jack literally saved my life, but at what expense to him? I couldn’t have him live with just memories, it wasn’t right.
“Alex, are you sure babe?” I used my last bit of strength to look up at him, I saw the panic in his eyes return, the same as two nights ago, a look I didn’t want to see again.
“Fine” I moaned, my chest starting to loosen up. “Chest…better”. I wasn’t able to make out full sentences, something that came along with attacks, but thankfully not every one of them. Jack just sat there throughout the rest of my attack, waiting out the long 10 minutes. Not letting go of his eye lock on me.
After the attack Jack didn’t leave, he just sat there, looking as if he was trying to absorb all of this. “I’m sorry-“ I whispered, trying to let my voice travel its way back up.
He cut me off immediately. “Don’t talk like that, you have no right to apologize, you couldn’t help it. I’m just glad you’re okay baby, that’s all that matters to me.”
“I don’t get it” I whispered, letting my head fall back against the pillow. I couldn’t understand why someone like Jack would stay with me. Why someone who has so much ahead of him would stay and be with a damaged boy, a boy who is fighting against himself, struggling to survive everyday.
“Don’t get what babe?” Jack whispered, joining me on the bed once more, allowing myself to curl up against his side, my arms snaking around his waist. I moved my body to line up perfectly with his. Our sides mushed together, our hands playfully tangling with the others, and my head tucked safely into the side of his neck. “Alex?”
One of his hand left mine, and found a home in my hair, playing with it gently. “Why do you stick around. After what you’ve been through with me, what you’ve seen. These god forbidden attacks Jack, I don’t get how you can stay around a guy like me.”
He kissed my forehead before answering, “ That’s the whole reason why I do stay Alex. Because I know what you are, and I’ve seen you at your worse. I may be quoting this wrong but, If you can’t accept someone at their worse, than you don’t deserve them at their best.” He took a deep breath before continuing, playing with a section of my dirt blonde hair, something that needed to be washed badly. “ Alex, I love you. Attacks or no attacks. I need you more than you know, more than you’ll probably understand. But as of right now, I stick around because I know there will always be good days, and along with those good days come bad ones, they go hand in hand, and I will always be here no matter what kind of day it may be. So I take it one day at a time because that’s all I can do babe. But I will guarantee this; I will always love you and will always be here for you, you got that?”
I couldn’t even begin to say anything. Jack had a way of making me speechless, but this time it was different. The meaning behind it all was just something uncomprehendable, something not everyone would understand. “I need you to believe that you are good enough Alex, because you are. You may not see it yourself, but trust me, if you saw yourself in my eyes, every single one of your insecurities would just disappear, because what you see are faults, and what I see is perfect.” I was breaking down into Jack’s neck by the time he stopped. There were times where I just couldn’t handle my life anymore, and then there was Jack trying to prove to me that my life is worth keeping.
I tried to speak, but I couldn’t say a word. Nothing would come out. “Shh, you don’t have to say anything baby. Just sleep, and maybe you’ll be released tomorrow.”