Sullen Girl

Have you wonder to yourself, how could I change my life from what is it now? I’ve always wondered what could I do to change what is happening at this moment. I could be anything in the world, I could be a famous pop star, I could be a famous actress, hell even a writer, maybe I could be a doctor? But then reality hits me I know there is no magic genie, there is no superman or batman coming to rescues me. Not even a prince charming. I have no one, and I am all alone, who wants to be with me anyways?

Sure, I am pretty but looks can last for so long.

And when you’re pretty people don’t expect much out of you anyways, and in this case they are right. I am nothing, I am worthless, and I am deemed in the eyes of other people of nothing. I can’t do anything right, and yet here I am wanting something more than what I have in my life. Which is just that, a shitty apartment in town, Bombay black cat that is very loving, I kind of needed someone to love me. I didn’t want a dog because they are too annoying and drive me crazy so I picked a cat, and his name is Micky, it reminds me of my happier memories.

When times were simple, when life wasn’t so damn fucking hard, god I sound bitter. I am bitter, I am unhappy and I am hopeless.

I groaned getting up because of my job, my senseless job but it helps pay the bills…I supposed. I am in section 8 building but it still helps pay my bills that I need to be paid. Mick is already up and about; unlike me he is an early bird. He likes to run around the house at god damn 7 am, which drives me crazy, good thing I had to wake up early or else I’d been having cat for dinner tonight.

“Good morning, mick.” I said while yawning as he ran towards me hearing me awake and following me to the bathroom while rubbing him between my legs. I cursed as I stumbled over him and slammed the door shut to make him know I am angry.

I should have known better—of course. Like I should have known better for a lot of things in my life but I was naïve then. I sighed letting the thoughts rattle in my mind before looking over towards how much of a mess my bathroom really was. I groaned at the idea of cleaning it myself, but who the fuck else was going to do it?

At least it wasn’t filthy; it just had astray of clothes on the floor (you know pj pants, some tees, some tanks, and some work stuff.) My make-up and face wash was all over the place and so was my hair stuff, I have unnatural unruly curly hair, that I down play to a short bob cut and it was sleek straight. The only thing that was set in place was a tooth brush in a cup, which was something when I was down when I was little. The yowling of Mick tells me that I’ve been in here for far too long, which was probably true.

“Alright, shut up.” I said softly as I quickly brushed my teeth and cleaned them until they were white and brushed my hair quickly, I quickly put on some cover up, concealer, cat eye and thick mascara. I play up my good parts of my face which was my eyes and hide my freckles on the bridge of my nose, and the face of a scared little girl that I see in the mirror. I quickly put on natural tone lip stick and got out of the bathroom, seeing a very annoyed Mick. I just blew him a small kiss but he kept the not amused look on his face before he took the lead to his kitty bowl as if to say “Human feed me, that’s all I need you for.”

It’s true, I probably needed him more than he needed me.

~~*~~
The restaurant isn’t busy when I get there so I don’t have to fake a smile, or fake how happy I am to be alive. A few of my co’workers are there and they wave to me as I gently wave at them back, but I keep a safe distant from them. It’s just safer that way.

“Hey, Liv.” The voice is soft as if they know not to startle me, but the accent I knew it was one of my favorite customers, always sweet and never hit on me.

“Hey Lucas.” I said turning to give him a small but sincere smile, and it seem to make him happy that I showed him a glimpse of what I don’t show other people.

Lucas has been coming to this restaurant for almost three years—actually since I got hired and the first time he saw me, he saw I was getting hassled by some drunken dude, and Lucas told the guy to beat it and Lucas isn’t a small man so the guy did. People like Lucas actually scare me if anything but he is all bulk but all teddy bear once you get to know them.

Not like I know him.

“You’re in early.” He said as I looked down at my note pad waiting for him to order but he seem to be talkative, I wouldn’t know how he’s like in the morning though, I’m normally mid-shift and I leave before the night shift.

“Yeah.” I said softly. “I got…uh a second job. So I need the morning hours.” I never looked at Lucas too long in the face but when I did take looks, it always stunned me how good looking he was, he nodded his head smiling over at me.

“That’s good, Liv. It sucks getting paid only five bucks?”

“I got a raise.” His smile widens and I kept looking down at my pad as my smile widen a bit. “Yeah the boss likes me here…though if I worked night shift I’d get more money but that’s not here or there.”

“Indeed.” He said with a handsome smile, before looking down at the menu and I looked at him, waiting for him to speak. “I’d like a coffee, black please and scrambled eggs with French toast. Hell why not add the orange juice.” He said closing the menu even though he didn’t really look at it, like if he knew what he was getting.

He probably did. Lucas was a man who left England (I’m not sure what part but I know it wasn’t from Liverpool, there accent was very different.) To come to America to become a singer or something of the sort, I wasn’t too sure. Maybe it was an actor? Well whatever it was he tries to get into the show business, and now he went to writing. Lucas is a pretty great writer, I’ve read some of his books and they are very entertaining. Always about teenage angst because as he told me “Being a teenager sucks but honestly I think that’s the most time you have the most emotions, the most passion in your life and that is something worth writing about.”

He has a second job working on cars but he doesn’t do it very often.

“So what’s your second job?” he asked as I poured him a cup of coffee and that’s the first time I looked at him right in the eye and I felt my throat starting to close on itself, I quickly looked down away from him.

“You know. Just a dead end job.”

Dead end like your soul, you mean Olivia. I thought as I quickly walked away from him but I could feel him staring at my back, he was probably wondering why I didn’t tell him about my second job. Lucas I’ve grown to slightly trust, I told him I had a cat and that I was born in London, England which is why I know he’s from there too.

“Cool.” He said as if it was bridge under water.

But it wasn’t.

Because I knew I shouldn’t be doing this job.

It rips my soul apart.

It turns my stomach.

But I needed the money, fuck I really needed the money.

“Well I hope it isn’t like this one, you deserve better than this.”

Ha. Ha. Ha. Hahahahaha. Oh if you only knew.

I gave him a head nod and walked off to help someone else, someone else that I didn’t feel the sudden disappointment, the shame, the hate was turning in my stomach. Fuck, I needed to get this over with.

I didn’t speak to Lucas for the rest of the time he was there, but he still left me a good tip. Bless him. I didn’t do much for the morning shift, and I left feeling the dread in my stomach as I walked to my other job. I needed to get there early to do my make up and get dressed up, or dressed down if you think about it.

I sighed as I reached the building, glancing up to read the big unlit light DIAMOND GIRLS, I glared at the sign as I felt the need to throw up.

Fuck. I hate my life.