Sullen Girl

There was so much noise, to many people, and my mind was racing it was overbearing and the fear sat deep in my gut. I couldn’t focus on anyone or anything as everything buzzed past me, my heart was fighting with my chest and winning. Everyone looked like they were melting and I was the only solid thing there as I try to inch my way carefully around them.

Am I lost?
I think I am lost.

How could I lose a big guy?

Why couldn’t I lose a big guy?

My chest tightens, it felt my shirt was pushing it way through my throat and taking away all of my oxygen and the dim room was slowly slipping into darkness. Every thought and memory was fighting its way to get my attention cluttering any clear positive thought out. The rough hand that wrapped around my wrist woke me up as if cold water was splashed in my face.

“Liv.” The voice was soft the accent cut away all of my thoughts instantly. I opened my eyes to see Lucas standing over me which caused me to furrow my eyebrows in confusion. How did I get down on the floor? “Are you okay?”

No.

“Yes, yes. Sorry.”

Lying was a lot easier than to say “oh I had a panic attack because you brought me to do a normal thing. Sorry! I may or may not be normal.” I could picture the look on his face if I ever told him that and then I would probably lose the only person that is remotely interesting and is…what I would like to call a companion.

“Are you sure? I could just take you home.” He asked and I noticed his hand was already off of me. God bless this man soul but now I feel guilty. He was having fun and here I am ruining it with my stupid anxiety of everyone and how my life has just turned into one big ball of what if’s and fearful thoughts and stupid horrible memories.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled as he sent me a small smile but I just looked down to my feet, noticing I was pretty much hiding in the darkest spot of this bar. I hope no one was paying attention to us, I would die of embarrassment, I could already feel the flames of humiliation.

“For what, liv?” He asked putting his hand out for me, I bit my cheek, pushing down the bile that was rising and grabbed his hand. It was big compare to mine; my hand was so tiny and fragile looking in his massive hand.

“For embarrassing you.” And me but that isn’t important, he rolled his eyes as he picked me up gently and with ease from the floor. Normally that would scare the hell out of me but I actually did not mind it this time.

“Olivia. You do not embarrass me, I do that plenty for myself.” He said as his laugh came out making my smile and my heart felt a bit loose and not as strained as before.

“I doubt that.” I said softly as he looked down at me with a perked eyebrow causing me to feel the blush to my cheeks.

“Hm. I may need to bring you around more often. You’ll see I get like a wanker.” He said causing me to smile a bit more and he laughed again.

We walked through the crowd but this time I held on to Lucas’s hand, I didn’t want to have an episode like before, I actually don’t even remember what happened before that other than Lucas asking me if I wanted to come in and I agreed. We reached the table and I had a drink of water, I could see from my lip stick stain on the straw, and my coat was hanging on the chair. So…we did sit down. Hm.

“Lucas.” I whispered while pulling on his hand before we reached the table, he turn to look at me with both eyebrows perked. I would have laughed but this was serious. “What was I doing all the way on the other side of the bar?”

“You went to go to the bathroom.” He said titling to his head to the right looking at me confused.

That’s right I did went to go to the bathroom but what happened to make me black out? I thought as Lucas told his friend that he was driving me home, his friend made an off comment but Lucas pretty much cut that conversation short. I put on my jacket quickly, as Lucas chugged the rest of his beer (which wasn’t a lot.) he turn to look at me.

“You’re ready?” He asked as I nodded my head making him smile to me as I gave him a smile back, he put his hand out again and without a second thought I grabbed at it following him.
What made me have a panic attack? Why did I have it? I kept asking myself as I felt hands get sweaty making me feel insecure about the whole Lucas’s hand thing. I am sure he is just thinking of how much of a loser I am and a freak. Who the hell freaks out while going to the bathroom?

Me. I do, of course.

“Hey Liv.” I heard making me freeze in my spot but my hand grasped onto Lucas’s hand harshly, I heard him curse. Probably in pain, I haven’t cut my hands in three days, I’m sure my nails were digging into his skin, god I am fucking up royally tonight. “Liv, Olivia from Rice High?” I heard and the voice was bringing me close to tears, I glanced at them and yup, it would be him, Kyle Adams.

I thought he’d never come back. I thought he was gone forever. I..I..I..

“Hey Liv, you ready to have fun tonight? I’m so ready to get wasted.” Anne my beautiful blue eyed blonde hair friend said with a wide smile and I smiled back to her. “Thank god we graduated, I thought I would never make high school.”

“Aw come on it wasn’t that bad, I mean you were on the cheerleading team.” I shrugged my shoulders as she laughed.

“And you were prom queen!” She said hugging me close to her as I laughed nodding my head. “I wonder where Kyle is.” She asked as I shrugged.

“He’s your boyfriend, so he’s probably playing video games.” I said as she nodded her head grabbing my hand and pulling me along towards the array of people.

“Class of 06 is finally old!” we heard causing us both to laugh while I shook my head before grabbing an unopened beer from one of the guys hands.

“You owe me a beer Sheik.” He said as I smiled rolling my eyes. “And a dance for that eye roll.”

“Whatever, Mitch.” I said as Anne rolled her own eyes. “I wonder when he’ll stop trying to hit on me?”
“When you stop flirting with him and even then I think he will still keep trying to get at you.” Anne smiled and I smiled back at her.

As we walked into the living room her boyfriend Kyle was playing a video game but some girl was pretty much on his lap, I looked over at Anne as her face started to turn red. She let out a scream causing both of them to look at her and I think that was my cue to pull her away from that part of the party. As I grabbed her arms to pull her along she pulled away from me and went up to Kyle as he said his sorry’s and slapped him across the face, before sprinting out of the room.

“Damn you Kyle.” I growled trying to find my best friend, Anne could be very aggressive, and mean and very hurtful when you push her to be, so I already knew this party was going to turn into shit. For me at least, it was my last party before I go to school in NYU, I won’t see Anne for a while, she’ll be in Nashville.

It was an hour until I found Anne again and she was kicking back the beers, I rolled my eyes walking over to her. She was a sloppy mess, and I was wonder for her, but as soon as she saw me she put her hands out and shoved me back.

“I want to fuck tonight and you’re not going to ruin my fun!” She stated and shoved me again. “So piss off.”

“Anne, come on let’s go.” She growled and slapped me across the face and my jaw dropped as she turn her back to me, I rolled my eyes trying to hold back the tears as everyone stared at me waiting for my reaction. I quickly turned my back to them and tried to find my way towards a bathroom. I pushed my way through the many high schoolers in this party and half of them seemed younger than us, and the attention whores of our school’s were already making out together making the guys scream “GO GO GO!” And get horny over fake lesbianism, it was pretty pathetic.

“Hey Olivia, where you going.” Mitch asked with a smile bringing my attention off of the girls with his hands at my waist causing me to roll my eyes and push him off of me. “Aw don’t be like that.”

“I’m trying to find a bathroom.” He perked an eyebrow before grabbing at my wrist pulling me along with him. “What are you doing?”

“Leading you to the way of the bathroom.” He said with a wide smile, which caused me to smile back at Mitch, Mitch wasn’t an ugly guy he was anything but; but Mitch and Amber one of our other friends went out and it was weird. “And look there isn’t a line.”

“Thanks Mitch.” I said giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Now run off.” I said as he pursed his lips. “Seriously, I still need a ride home so if you wanna do that.” His eyes lit up and he threw his cup of beer that he seem to be nursing since we walked in.

“I’m down for it; I’ll get my car ready.” I nodded my head with a smile, as I walked into the bathroom with a sigh, as I looked into the mirror seeing the red mark on my left cheek. “Fucking Anne.” I mumbled.

“Hey.” The door opened and kyle popped his head in making me glare at him. “Where is Anne?” He pushed his way in the bathroom, as I pursed my lips.

“You need to get out.” I said as he stared at me with a smile on his lips. “Seriously, Kyle get out. Kyle. I’m being-“

“Dude, she doesn’t remember you.” The other guy laughed shoving him and my jaw clenched harshly, I felt the pain in my joints.

“Nah, she has to remember me.” Oh, no I do buddy trust me. “You’ve lost a lot of weight since we’ve last met. You’re looking good. Hey don’t be rude.” He said putting a finger under my chin, pushing my head upward so I could look at me but his finger was pulled from under my chin suddenly. I looked over to see Lucas glaring at Kyle.

“I wouldn’t touch her if I was you.” His voice was deep rumbling in anger causing me to feel…I don’t know how I feel. I felt a rush of emotions almost too much to comprehend, all I know is I wanted to get the hell out of there. With Lucas.

“Alright, alright. I didn’t know she was your girl, sorry.” Kyle said as Lucas kept glaring at him until he backed away from the both of us even though I should feel happy, I’m not. I feel sick, humiliated and ashamed.

“Liv, are you alright?”
I don’t even know anymore.

We didn’t speak walking towards his car; he didn’t send me worried glances either. The snow was coming down hard and I was glad I could call out of work tomorrow, if it stays bad as it is now then I could sleep in for the day then get ready for the night job.

“Olivia.” I heard and I looked up to see a road block near my house, this was the only way home. “I’m sorry. I should have brought you home earlier.”

“It’s fine.”

It was?

“Do you have anyone that you trust living close by?” Lucas asked and I felt myself smiling. Lucas is a kind soul.

“No.”

Just you but it’s no big deal. I could probably walk that.

“It’s fine, I’ll just walk.” I said as I started to open the door but his long arm came across my lap making me suck in my stomach and he closed the door. I turn to look at him and his face was close to mine but I didn’t feel uncomfortable as I thought I would.

“If you don’t mind a dog who is huge but likes to act like a lapdog, and an apartment that is messy, some hot coco then you can crash at mine.”
That sounded nice, because it was nice but I haven’t been over to a man’s house in a long time and the thought of him knowing that hey I am a stripper at night because of the clothes in my bag is enough to make me walk across that path way.
“I’m not letting you walk across that street.” He said as he saw me thinking and I bit the inside of my cheek again. “But if you really want to get to your apartment, then I say we try to walk across together. You can even get a piggy back ride.” He said with a smile and instantly I felt better about life.

“I’d like that.” He laughed as he parked the car in the middle of the street, seeing how no one is outside and no one is driving at this moment.

“I feel like I’m apart of lord of the rings.” He said getting out of the car and I perked an eyebrow as I saw the drop from his car to the street. He looked at me before putting his hands out as to ask if it was okay he was about to grab my waist, I nodded my head and he quickly but gently grabbed my waist pulling me down in the snow, it reached past my ankles and half way to my claves. “Don’t you?”

“If I get to be legolas.” I teased causing him to laugh at me; I bite my lower lip licking the snowflakes off them.

“You’re more like a hobbit.” He said causing me to roll my eyes. “And I am more like Aragorn. I was going to say I’m Boromir but I don’t take anything by force.” He said as I looked over at him and he sent me a smile, the same wide smile so I can see his teeth that I find very endearing, it made him human-like instead of movie star like. “You want that piggy back ride still?” I nodded my head as he kneeled down and I quickly moved behind him and jumped on his back, he clasped behind my knees and off we walked through the snow.

I liked this feeling as my arms were wrapped around his neck and he was pushing through the snow like a snow blower, god how the hell strong is he? I sighed thinking how selfish I really am, he’s going to have to walk this back to his car. I should have invited him in; instead of letting his car sit in the middle of the road.

Though I would never go to sleep, not like I will tonight anyways.

“I’m sorry.” I said again in his ear as he pushed through the snow and I wasn’t sure if he heard me because he didn’t say anything. I closed my eyes and buried my face in his back so the snow wouldn’t hit my face, it wasn’t a smart move. He didn’t know my house.

“Which one is yours?” he asked making me look up to see we were at it, so I tapped him on the shoulder and he let me down with ease. “Stop giving apologies, Olivia. You have nothing to be sorry for.” He said with a smile, he moved his hand but he stopped himself letting his hand drop to his side. “You have snowflake on your eye lash.”

I smiled flicking it away and he stared at me for a second before waving a goodbye and in a friendly voice before going back to his car making me feel bad for the rest of the night.